Yesterday was a good day to be Jim Hendry. He finally got his hair cut. He got to actually sit in a seat and watch his baseball team play a game in person. His wife even showed up. Then, his first round draft pick from a year ago humilated the first place Astros and every one of his midseason pickups got a hit, or more. Hell, one of them had three hits, and two others hit homers.

The Cubs won 6-0, moved past the evil Cardinals and reminded Houston what we’ve been telling you for weeks now.

“Thanks for keeping first place warm. We’ll take it from here.”

To listen to Chip Caray and Steve Stone you’d have thought that Prior’s triumphant achievement in his seven inning, nine strikeout masterpiece was when he struck out Craig Biggio to lead off the game.

Only later would Steve have to admit that:
a) Biggio’s not really hitting very well, and yeah, he didn’t last year either
b) He has no arm, so you just run all over him in centerfield
c) Chip and Steve only love him because he actually talks to them before games

This one was over as soon as E-ramis Ramirez launched a Jared Fernandez knuckleball (more like a nothingball) over the centerfield fence. This homer was momentous for two reasons, it’s the fourth in four games for E-Ramis, who is postively studly and needs to be recognized as such, and secondly, the wall in centerfield is probably 12 feet high and Biggio jumped up like he was going to catch it. For some reason the word “flubber” comes to mind.

Prior had put the Astros on notice in the first inning with an 11-pitch, all fastball, three strikeout effort in which the killer B’s, Biggio, Bagwell and Berkman all made u-turns toward the dugout.

Muahahahahahahahahaha!

By the fourth inning you weren’t wondering if the Cubs would win, but rather, would Prior throw a no-hitter.

In my addled memory four Cubs have come pretty close to no-hitters in recent years. Steve Trachsel threw a one-hitter in 1996 against the Astros and Brian Hunter broke that up. Jose Guzman’s no-hit bid in 1993 was lost to Otis Freakin’ Nixon and two years ago Mark Lorretta broke up Kerry’s. Now Adam Everett? Bleech.

Of course the Cubs had a combined one-hitter in a game Matt Clement started in Philly earlier this year and Sammy Sosa hit a homer to win that one 1-0. But of course, Sammy only hits homers in 12-4 Cubs losses…so that must be fiction.

You can be a pessimist and say that if Tony Womack got three hits in his Cubs’ debut then that just means he’s not likely to get another hit for about three weeks. But we’re not pessimistic are we?

Nah.

Didn’t you get the feeling though that in the ninth inning Dusty was just showing off that he’s got a real bench now? He pinch hit Doug Glanville, Eric Karros and Ramon Martinez just because.

When you figure that the “normal” Cubs lineup against a righthander once Grudzielanek comes back will be:
cf Kenny Lofton
2b Mark Grudzielanek
rf Sammy Sosa
lf Moises Alou
3b Aramis Ramirez
1b Randall Simon
ss Alex Gonzalez
c Damian Miller

That means the bench has:
Eric Karros
Ramon Martinez
Doug Glanville
Tony Womack
Troy O’Leary
Paul Bako

Yeah, it’s still crap. What was I thinking?

Watching Alex flail his way through a four strikeout game you really have to wonder if Ramon won’t be playing short (or, gasp! Womack) when Grudzielanek comes back. I mean if that’s the standard, 0-4 with four K’s, I think Ramon and Tony can exceed that. At least by a little.

In fact, I’d bet my firstborn that Womack plays short tonight and Alex sits against the immortal Ron Villone.

How are we liking the Randall Simon era so far?
In three games he has five hits in ten at bats, a homer, four RBI and a double.

I love Big Choi. I think he’ll be a stud some day, but given that we’re in a six week sprint for something important, I have no problem with him riding a combine in Iowa. Consider that in the two months since he cracked his Big Cranium on the first base line that he has a grand total of TEN hits, one homer and TEN RBI. That’s in 58 at bats.

But you listen to some Cubs fans, or some of those cyberweenies and they’re up in arms that the Cubs would dare send the great Choi packing.

He hit .182 in July and .166 in August. Enough said.

Great moment last night. Watching Al Hrabosky try and put a positive spin on the Cardinals’ 14-0 loss (yes, 14-0) to the Pirates he said. “Well, we’re going to be getting Eli Marrero and Joe Girardi back soon, and Fernando Vina’s back. Of course they’re not pitchers.”

No, and Al, they all suck.

Cardinals fans are by rule, a little off. They love Bo Hart. They think Bo Hart is just super. Look at Bo hustle! Look at Bo play second base! Hey, Bo’s hitting .290!

Yeah, Bo’s hitting .290. He also hit .426 in a fluke run in June. Then, he hit .257 with 19 strikeouts in July. Now he’s hitting .228 with 14 K’s so far in August. Leave him in the lineup though, he’s a real sparkplug.

Whatever.

Scariest moment of the night was when Shawn Estes started throwing in the bullpen. I started throwing up at home. Thankfully he didn’t actually make an appearance. You want to see a six run lead disappear? Bring in Shawn Estes.

Cardinals honco Bill DeWitt says that the team can now add $500,000 to their $84 million payroll for an arm to help them down the stretch. Speculation is that the Cardinals will go after Expos starter Livan Hernandez. Aside from having to bring his own “fat” pants from team to team, Livan is less than 40 innings shy of reaching a milestone that guarantees him $6 million for next year. If the Cardinals get anybody, it’ll be Pat Hentgen…again. Yeah, that ought to tilt the balance.

Jeff Kent still thinks the Cubs suck. I can respect this. I don’t like it when a player on my favorite team gets all gushy about the opponent. I mean, we love it when Mark Prior shoots off his mouth and says that the Cubs are better than the Cardinals (they are) and the Astros (yup, them too), so why get offended when Kent does the same thing for Houston? He’s a jerk, but in a good way.

Mike Downey ponders the insane genius of Jim Hendry.

This just in, The Franchise? He’s really good.

I don’t blame Moises Alou for going ballistic last night. On Tuesday he got called out on a pitch at his shins, last night he got puched out on a knuckleball in the lefty batter’s box. Some umps are just lousy, and that needs a little light shed on it. Consider Moises a floodlight.

The Sox are in first place. Mostly.

Fred Mitchell catches up with my boyhood hero. Shawon Dunston. Surely, Dusty has room for him on this team. I predict that Shawon is a coach for the Cubs next year. Just a hunch.

Kendall Gill’s glad to be home. Considering it means the end of Dalibor Bagaric, I’m glad he’s home.

Brian Urlacher is none too happy that Fat Ted is a Patriot now. He’ll get over it.

Richard Dent says one of the Bear defenders needs to sack up and become a leader, and Chris Chandler gives Mike Vick some scrambling advice. The only things scrambled on Chandler are between his ears.

Ty Willingham says that if you only worry about winning the next game and the last game you’ll be all right. Huh?

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to realize that this Mark Prior guy just might be good enough to lead the Cubs to the playoffs.

Dusty’s already wondering if the 2004 Cubs will have a tall Asian or a short, fat guy from Curacao playing first base. My money’s on the non-arbitration eligible Asian dude.

Jerry Krause wants to scout…for the Cubs. In fact, he might be doing just that.

The Wizard of Roz thinks Kenny Williams needs some credit for both years of Stevie Loiaza’s contract.

Doug Glanville is weird.

Jayson Stark with some other good stuff.

Tim Burton is remaking “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” and Johnny Depp is slated to be Willy Wonka. Does this surprise anybody?

Taco Bell wants you to vote with your stomach. I’ll have three Arnold Schwarzenegger votes, please.

Arnold did something with a budget or something. All I know is whenever he speaks I laugh when he says “Cal-eee-four-nee-yuh”.

Remember the weird Scottish guy who replaced Howard Hessman on “Head of the Class”? He got his wanker caught in his zipper on a plane. Franks and beans!

America’s finest news source with some good public speaking tips.