I was a freshman in college when Joe Gibbs gave up being a football coach to go run a cute little NASCAR team. And now he’s back? Twelve years later he’s going to trade in the trailer park hotties and the Gold Bond Powder sponsorship to put up with Dan Snyder on a daily basis and take over a football team with a balding Hasselbeck on the roster and four running backs who are all worse than you and me?
Sure he is.
And, you know what? He’ll probably do pretty well.
And we could go on, debating the merits of bringing back a Hall of Fame coach 12 years after he last blew a whistle, but we don’t want to do that? And why not?
Is it because David Cross won the final preliminary round of Celebrity Poker Challenge last night and erstwhile sissy rock band singer Scott Stapp proved to be the worst, dumbest and most annoying (not to mention FAT) poker player of all time? Sure, Creed can claim they’re not a Christian rock band, but the only time I want to see Stapp with “Arms Wide Open” is when I’m about to kick him in the sac.
He had no clue how to play. He didn’t know when to bet, he didn’t know what a blind was, he didn’t know what a “check” was. Three different times he thought he won hands that he lost and started arguing with the dealer and the tournament director. I was so disappointed that Tom Green didn’t go off on him, I can’t even explain.
And I don’t care how old Mimi Rogers is. She’s still hot. Yee-ow.
But the other big series last night was the season premiere of Real World: San Diego. Here’s what we knew about the show going in. Sometime during the season the Real Worlders throw a party and one of the “guests” rapes another one. So that’s kind of a buzzkill right off the bat.
The other buzzkill is that even for the Real World this cast is vapid and stupid and from the outset, almost completely unlikable. There’s also no comic relief. There’s no Ace or Frank around to mutter smartassed one liners when the rest of them start to babble.
Among the cast members are Brad, a dumb Dago from Orland Park who within ten minutes of watching the show I wanted to beat to death with one of those stupid wave boards MTV has nailed to the walls of the house.
Brad, no doubt a Sox fan is one of the long, lost Ligue brothers. I expect that sometime this spring we’ll see him run onto the field at Petco Park and attack an umpire or a first base coach.
There’s Frankie, the “should be pretty…but isn’t” pasty girl with the hideous lip ring. Here’s the thing Frankie, if your jewelry makes it look like you have herpes, it’s probably not giving you the effect you’re going for.
Frankie made a great first impression. She revealed she has cystic fibrosis, started smoking, got drunk, tried to dry hump Brad in the hot tub then stumbled to her bed, passed out and threw up on herself. That’s a hell of a first night. Congrats.
We’ve got our newest Trishelle. This time it’s Cameran [sic]. You have to love the southern girls who can’t spell their own names. Always classic. Cameran’s first words uttered on the show were, “I’m not that into sex. It’s messy and awkward.” I had no idea Cameran has had sex with me? But I’m glad that I could turn her, and most other, women off to sex as “messy and awkward” it’s my little public service thing.
Cameran’s pretty hung up on how much she doesn’t like ‘northern’ boys. She needs to just shut the hell up and go away.
There’s a black guy named Jackee or something. He’s the same guy from Real World Chicago just with a worse haircut and he’s constantly wearing Moorehouse College t-shirts. So he’s a cross between Trevase and Kyle (remember that dumbass and his 1,032 Princeton football t-shirts). Great, just what we need.
There’s a cross-eyed Asian girl named Jamie. A guy from Boston whose name I’ve already forgotten, but he’s going for the Robb Thomas “I’m too cool to comb or wash my hair look”, and my favorite:
Who gave up her dream of going to law school to dance on the bar at a Coyote Ugly in Tampa. She has the biggest fake boobs she can fit on her frame, too. What’s not to like?
On the first show Brad and Cameran called Brad’s girlfriend at 6:45 in the morning in Chicago so she could tell Cameran that Brad’s got a big wanker. I could tell her that Brad is a big wanker and I could have done it at a more decent time.
Then, Brad can’t figure out why his girlfriend is mad that a) he called her at the crack of dawn to tell another woman what “little Brad” looks like and b) that she’s still mad that he had sex with another woman before he left Orland. So he yells at her.
Then he calls to apologize.
Then he calls to break up with her.
It’s going to be a long and frustrating year watching these tools.
And I thought Paris was bad.
—
Ryne Sandberg finished as first loser on the Hall of Fame ballot, finishing third behind new inductees Paul Molitor and Dennis Eckersley. With Wade Boggs the only legit candidate coming on the ballot next year (unless you count Chili Davis and Tom Candiotti — hee hee), it looks like Ryne will get in next year, especially since the rumor now is that Pete Rose will not be reinstated in time to be put on the 2005 ballot, instead he will have to wait to be considered by the Veteran’s Committee.
But after Molly and Eck got voted in, it’s pretty obvious that if Sandberg had just been caught buying some coke or admitted to being an alcoholic that he’d have sailed in.
For me, Eckersley DQ’d himself for Hall consideration when he and Tony LaRussa had the same haircut for 10 years.
Molitor always seemed like a great guy, but he was a doper, and everytime a manager tried to play him in the field he broke something.
OK fine, they were both great players and they deserve to be in. But so does Ryne.
By the way, I’ll bet it was a fun day at Rick Manning’s house yesterday. He has a very close tie-in with both of the new inductees.
He stole Dennis Eckersley’s wife (Dennis came home one night and found them screwing on his couch) and Dennis says that episode started his alcoholism. Being a Cub nearly killed him because he could start getting drunk at 4:30 after home games…and he did it every day. So all of you who bitch that the Cubs let him get away and go be a great closer—what were they supposed to do, keep him and watch his liver explode on the mound?
Manning was a teammate of Molitor’s in Milwaukee and he got very loudly booed by the home crowd when he scored the winning run in a game at County Stadium in extra innings. Why did they boo him? Because the Brewers were out of the race (again) and Molitor was on deck trying to get another at bat to extend a long hitting streak. Oops. Nothing like trying to win, I guess.
—
Sandberg’s getting closer.
Pete Rose’s new book includes a rip on Wrigley Field. Look, we don’t take criticism from anybody with a haircut like that.
David Huh says the Bears are after Ralph Friedgen. Look, this could be true, and I think Ralph’s a good coach, but a) he couldn’t beat NIU last year, b) David Huh’s the biggest dope in Chicago who doesn’t have a daily gig on ESPN and c) when does spring training start?
Rosey gets out the axe and comes out swinging, and he inadvertently answers a question sent to me by intrepid reader Rommy Rudolfi. Sammy Sosa’s sit down with ESPN will be on ESPN Deportes which debuts tonight. I had two years of Spanish at NIU and I don’t remember a damn thing. So, ESPN Deportes won’t get a lot of play at stately Dolan manor.
What was your favorite moment in the Linton Johnson era? Mine will be him failing two times in ten seconds to get the ball inbounded for a last second shot against Philly. Thanks Linton!
Does anybody care what Rick Morrissey thinks about anything? Ever?
Mariotti puts down the doughnut to rip on the Anti-Christ which is always good.
I think the Bears are really after Lou Saban. He’s alive, right? Isn’t he?
Michael Wilbon’s fired up about the return of Joe Gibbs.
Peter Gammons won’t vote for Pete, if given the chance.
Tom Friend on the return of Joe Gibbs.
Vin Baker is drinking again.
The Marlins are after Vlad Guerrero. Giving him big money makes a lot more sense than giving it to the old, fat catcher.
Something tells me the lady who wrote this about the Bush twins doesn’t realize that they’re both hot and like to party. What, they should be like that annoying little Chelsea Clinton? I don’t think so.
Hillary Clinton should regret her “Gandi ran a gas station in St. Louis” joke. It’s dumb and not funny. See how upset this guy is.
Dennis Kucinich sure grasps the power of radio.
They’re going to honor the victims of 9/11 with a pool. I put a bid in to get the contract to make the “This is an ool. There is no p in it, let’s keep it that way” sign.
A Tacoma man peed on his windshield to unfog it. I wonder how fast he was going?
America’s finest news source with tales of Hardee’s.
Hey Dola, way to rip me off. In one line you link to my column, and in the next you turn my "SCRAPBOOK: What’s your favorite memory of the Linton Johnson era?" line into "What was your favorite moment in the Linton Johnson era?" Real subtle, dope.
No, it’s untrue that I parlayed a stellar 6-15 MLB career into a gig with the Chicago Tribune. It looks like Rosenbloom just forgot how to spell his own name.
What a jackass!
Hey, I use the "what’s your favorite memory of the (obscure player) era?" thing all the time!
Oh, wait. It’s just worn-out schtick.
Hey, better to screw up "my" name then to rip off a Trib writer!
Can you rip off unoriginal thoughts, especially after you link to the article listing the unoriginal thought? Why, last night, the Score’s Jonathan Hood asked a basketball writer in New York, "What will you tell your grandchildren about the Charlie Ward era?"
No wonder we demoted Rosey to the Red Eye.
Ever noticed that Mr. Dolan is the only one who actually gives you a favorite moment of any player’s era?
Besides, J-Hood’s been ripping off Desipio since he got that show last year to replace Jiggetts.
If you had to fill four hours of radio air, you don’t think you’d stop by here before your show to see what the funny people are talking about?
My main criticism of today’s Dose is that the picture of the girl with the big Real Wood boobies has hear wearing that big shirt.
Morans.
That’s "her". Douchebag.
Did anybody catch "8 Simple Rules…" last night? Kaley Cuoco was in a swimsuit for nearly half the episode. That is good TV.
By the way, the Hall of Fame jihad is officially "on".
Let’s not get too crazy ripping Real World’s Steve, I mean Brad… He did have the foresight to make a quick beer run, and was rocking a Duke t-shirt, so he can’t be all bad, right?
On the other hand you went way too easy on Camera-man, I mean Cameran. Not only does she not like northern boys, she still calls them "Yankees." I didn’t know if I was watching MTV or Cold Mountain. And how proud her family must be that while she’s not that into sex, she had no problem telling the world she never goes anywhere without her vibe. Nice.
The dude you can’t remember is Randy, who enjoys letting some folks think he’s a simple painting/drawing/sculpting art student, while others think he’s only a long haired "Head of Security." That must be Bostonian for bouncer. Unfortunately, Randy may prove to be the most likeable cast member.
Apparently, Jacques and Jamie will be competing to be this season’s Simon… You remember Simon, right? From Paris? Nevermind. Though I’m not willing to call Jamie cross-eyed just yet. I am willing to call Jacques a buzkill, how many times did he warn, "It’s not gonna be good?"
But the person who’s going to take the biggest hits this season is Kansas City’s own Frankie. Who lists "massage therapist" as her occupation, and boasts of meeting her soulmate in a porn shop.
Frankie will no doubt have some amusing confessionals about being the outsider goth chick her whole life that we should all feel sorry for. What I feel sorry for is her puke-stained security blanket/teddy bear and the fact that one of her bracelets broke shaking hands.
I’ve got a little more digging to do, but I believe her boyfriend Dave’s tattoo shop is about 5 minutes away from my front door. Maybe I can acquire an inside scoop at some point. Though not if that requires actually getting any ink done.
I’m withholding judgement on Robin, the enhanced Coyote Ugly girl with a propensity for tired phrases like "It’s dope" and "Step it up." And if I remember correctly, she gets arrested for hitting some dude in a bar. I’m sure he deserved it.
Can we stop at Joe Morgan’s house on the way?
3 of the last 4 articles link to the same thing. The Desipio network just plunged 4 points on the market. Even Mariotti is shaking his waddle.
I particularly anjoyed this bit from Rosy:
"BUT WAIT: There’s more. Also during this ESPN Deportes sit-down with subtitles, Sosa absolved Steve Bartman on that famous foul ball in Game 6 of the NLCS when the Cubs were five outs from the World Series.
Sosa pointed out there was a "ground ball to short" that Alex Gonzalez botched.
But the Cubs right-fielder who believes "people should be responsible for their actions" failed to mention how he overthrew the cutoff man to set up the Marlins for the killer double in that eight-run rally.
How do you say "I confess, he did it" in Spanish?"
Thank you. Couldn’t have said it any better.
OK, I’m going to fix those links and we can’t plummet four points because ever since we bought NBC we’ve been below 4.
Unfortunately, that was my point. It seems, as a loyal Desipio share holder, I now have to pay you .32 for each share I own. Your check for .96 is in the mail.
How long will Joe Gibbs coach the Redskins? Five days?
How long will Joe Gibbs coach the Redskins? Five days?
I thought the network was ESPN Deportation, not Deportes. I was worried if I tell the truth that I no be able to play beisbol this year.
Besides, I don’t miss the cutoff man if Mark Grudzielanek is not so short, if he were, say, nine feet tall, he cuts that easy. It’s not my fault my teammates are midgets.
By the way, Chip Caray sucks!
Sammy, how do you know Chip sucks? Do you hear his terrible play-by-play skills all the way out in right? Or did you just get so sick and tired of hearing him during last year’s injury and suspension mess that you finally broke the television in the clubhouse?
But, I agree with you, Chip sucks. Put him together with Thom Brennaman or Joe Buck and I’m liable to shoot myself.
Andy, you may remember the suspension mess Illinois basketball player Luther Head went through earlier this season.
It seems as if he isn’t making much smarter choices now. According to WDWS-AM in Champaign just minutes ago, Head’s status in tonight’s game against Ohio State is "questionable" after he was pulled over last night for going through an intersection that happened to have a stop sign. But that wasn’t the real problem, the real problem was that he was only driving with a suspended license. You know, one you aren’t supposed to drive with. Ouch.
Thanks for the update, B.C., now get your tongue out of me and go get drunk like every other self-respecting college student would on a Wednesday afternoon.
So Goose Gossage, Bruce Sutter, Don Mattingly and Jack Morris aren’t going to get into the Baseball Hall of Fame anytime soon, but in my book they are all first-ballot entries into the Wicked Awesome Facial Hair Hall of Fame.
Since Andy finds in necessary to call Brad a Dago….
Look at that group photo of the Real-Worlders. It appears that there are only six roommates. But if you stare hard enough, Jacquese appears on the left. Coincidence?
Hey Andy baby,
I’ll be 48 in a couple weeks!
I don’t see this Joe Gibbs/Daniel Snyder thing working out too well…
Mimi,
I’ll be right over.
I love Mimi. There is a movie that she was in where she gets a massage. Well, the back massage turns into a front massage (including nipple tweakage) and you can see Mimi in all her beautiful glory. Google Mimi Rogers and click on the images tab. Go to page 3, 4 rows down, 4 pictures across. You’ll know it when you see it.
Spank you very much.
My tounge has been in my mouth all day.
Now I’ll go back to finding more crap nobody else wants to talk about.
I’m up to my armpits in Morehouse t-shirts…
Mimi Rogers belongs in a MILF hall-of-fame…
Joe Morgan aka Louie the Lizard, eats ass.
Sammy couldn’t hit the cutoff if it was Plasticman…
Sammy couldn’t hit the cutoff man if it were Jerry Quarry…
Quake in your boots Cub fans. I’m here in St. Louis to exact my revenge for Andy leaving me off his Hall of Fame wish list.
How can you call the booing Rick Manning received at County Stadium "loud?" Anyone who knows anything about the subject would rate that decibel level as "moderate." Anyone who knows anything knows that Luis Aguayo receicved the loudest booing after popping out to Rafael Santana in a 1985 game at the Vet.
That sound you heard was me flushing $4.2 million down the toilet. But then I’m the guy who’s paying Tino Martinez seven million bucks to not play for us.
http://www.stltoday.com/stltoday/sports/stories.nsf/Sports/Cardinals/0A2D2A4BB5D70F9686256E1500186942?OpenDocument&Headline=Cards+reach+2-year+deal+with+Tavarez
How can you say that Robin from the Real World has the biggest fake boobs available for her frame? Everybody knows that Bill James wrote extensively that former Cubs ballgirl Marla Collins had the same frame and larger implants. It’s just like you to just throw out an opinion and state it as fact.
So what if Bill James is weird, and bearded and gay?
How can you say that David Huh’s the biggest dope in Chicago who doesn’t have a gig on ESPN?
My SABRmetric model clearly shows that Mike Imrem is. His shitty column to good column ratio is 9.2 while Huh’s shitty article to good article ratio is 9.198.
While we don’t have any double play data on either of them, we know that Huh played football at Ball State while Imrem was a water boy at Schurz High School. So while I automatically favor Imrem’s non-jock background, the stats tell another story.
I will say David Huh’s shitty column to good column ratio at the South Bend Tribune was 23.2, a number maybe never to be seen again.
Do I have a gig on ESPN?
Ahh, the problems with dividing by zero. Rick, your ratio is the equivalent of the pitcher who allows runs, but doesn’t retire a batter.
I’m sorry.
Now, if I can steal Craig Biggio from Chip Caray.
Man is a useless passion. by free online poker