This sentence was uttered on TV last night by a guy trying to seduce a woman. “I knew a guy who had an ingrown toenail. He got a fungus in his car. And died.”

How can any lady resist that? Evan “Joe Millionaire” Mariott is just the smoothest guy ever.

And now he’s down to two. But he’s still a moron.

Faced with a decision of which only one of his three choices could be wrong. He made the wrong one.

Joe kept Zora and Sarah, and sent dear, sweet, hot, hot, hot Melissa to the curb. Oh, the inanity of it all.

In last night’s episode of Joe Millionaire “Joe” got to fly the three remaining hostages around the French Riviera in “his” private jet.

First up was Melissa. She dressed in lots of leather and flew to Cannes with Joe. Joe pronounced it both “Can” and “Kahns” during the trip.

She basically threw herself at him the whole time and worried that he “looks at me like I’m his little sister.”

After dinner they went up to the hotel room where she proceeded to try and do things to him that a sister and brother only share in the very deep south.

After a night of hanky panky, Melissa headed back to the Chateau where she was grilled by Sarah and Zora.

“Did you kiss him?”
“Only a little bit.”

That should be code on this show for “screwed his brains out.”

Date two sent Zora off in the plane by herself to meet Joe. Zora said before she left that she was, “Gonna have a great time, but no kissing. It’s kind of my rule.”

The no kissing rule crashed and burned sometime after Joe yanked Zora into the pool.

A true highlight of the date came when Joe tried to compliment Zora on her dress and said ‘breasts’ instead.

This came one date after Joe spent the whole night staring at Melissa’s rack the whole time.

The morning after Joe and Zora played tonsil hockey in the pool, they sat down for a little no-eye contact breakfast (always fun). Zora was talking about how she couldn’t sleep, but when she did she had a dream that Joe was actually two people and one of them didn’t have any money at all.

Given that his IQ is somewhere around 19, Joe did a great job of hiding his fear. He basically looked like somebody had just kicked him in the groin. Subtle.

He then said to the cameras, “Maybe Zora’s some kind of psychic.” Yeah, that’s it.

The date took place on the island of Corsica, and try and I might, I could not see the Corsican Brothers in the background anyplace.

Date number three was with America’s favorite bondage movie queen, Sarah. This date became much funnier given that we now know that Sarah admits to have made movies while she was in college in which men tied her up with duct tape and did odd things to themselves with her feet. Nice.

Just to prove she’s smart, Sarah used the word “behoove” in a sentence.

Joe said, “I like Sarah a lot. She’s really classy and cultured.”

You can see her class and culture in her movie classic, “Dirty Soled Dolls.”

We got to see Sarah unpack and I quickly recognized her QVC Freedom Bag that she kept all of her bathroom stuff in. Mom bought those for all of us a few years back and while they’re the gayest looking thing ever, you can cram a lot of crap in them.

Dinner was classic. She ordered some sort of boiled dough thingy and said it was going to be the best thing she’s ever tasted. Joe tried to be cultured and said, “Oh yeah I’ve had those before. They’ve got meat in them.” She slapped on the condecension pretty thick with a, “No [moron] that’d be ravioli.”

Whatever it was, Joe liked it a little too much. He ended up eating half of Sarah’s, then ordering his own and still finished his steak.

A great moment occured when the waiter came over to ask them what wine they would like. Sarah adopted a phony French accent and said she wanted “a medium, not overly dry, not grapy wine.”

I’ve got the perfect wine for her!

Joe then said, (of course) “Sarah knows a lot about food.”

After dinner they went for a moonlight stroll and Sarah said, “I’ve never seen the moon from this side before.”

Huh? “This side?” Sarah does know she’s on the other side of the world, not the galaxy, right?

Sarah then ordered Joe to “climb that tree.” He looked like he thought she meant it. He really is a monkey, isn’t he?

Joe decided to be a gentleman and gave her a good night kiss. Ten minutes later she was banging on his door because she “wanted to see the moon again.” The moon, or his moon?

After a little under the blanked hand action (what are we–blind?) The date ended and Joe put her on the plane in the morning. He now had to make his decision.

Thanks to the wonders of night vision cameras (thank you Operation Desert Storm!) we got to watch Joe literally toss and turn. He then called a producer and complained that he’d never lied to get a woman into bed before, and that it’s really “eating [his] f@#$ing brain.”

That won’t be a long meal.

Finally they calmed him down and headed back to the Chateau.

Alex McLeod made her weekly :15 appearance on the show. She’s hot, but if she’s only go to be on the show for that long, what do they need her for?

She told the hostages what they already knew. One of them was going to be freed.

Joe came out, cut the small talk (thank you Melissa and Zora) and Paul made the announcements. Joe kept Sarah and Zora and sent Melissa packing.

He’s a moron.

So that sets us up for next week’s big finale. If Joe’s smart, he’ll pick Zora. But then if he was smart, he’d have picked Melissa–so we know that’s not going to happen. If he picks Sarah, the moment he tells her he’s not rich will be priceless.

So, we all need to root for Sarah. Big time.

Then, I flipped over to give the biggest disappointment of this TV season another shot. CSI:Miami had blown so hard that I stopped watching. I almost gave up on it last night after two minutes. Here’s why. David Caruso is prancing through a crime scene in some rich guy’s house. The guy is dead, lying face down on the bed with his hands and feet bound by duct tape and his fanny up in the air.

A detective says to Caruso, “We had our guys search the perimeter. No signs of forced entry.”

Caruso looks at the dead body’s hiney and says, “I wouldn’t be so sure about that.”

Oh! We don’t need that. Yikes.

But actually, without Kim Delaney the show is much better. And anything with Emily Proctor in it deserves a long, second look.

We didn’t Dose yesterday, so we didn’t get a chance to discuss Mike Ditka’s stated interest in the Detroit Lions’ job.

Mike, baby. We love you. You’re Da Coach. You’re an icon. You won the only Super Bowl in Bears history. But you stopped being a viable NFL coach in about 1988. I know you miss the fat paychecks from New Orleans (which just stopped coming in, by the way). But just go away. It’s unbecoming.

Steve Mariucci is expected to be named the Lions’ coach tomorrow. I hope they schedule it at noon. Today at noon there’s a memorial service for the Columbia astronauts. Tomorrow at noon we can have one for Mariucci’s career. I love symmetry.

The White Sox sold the name of Comiskey Park Part Deux to US Cellular for $68 million over 20 years. Given that PrimeCo was a big White Sox sponsor until it went belly up and got bought by US Cellular, what’s the actual life expectancy of US Cellular Field? I use US Cellular as my wireless provider and since they suck, I’m going to give it until 2005 at the latest.

Why does anybody care what Comiskey Park is named, anyway? You watch, when the Sox get off to their traditional 11-20 start, fans will start saying, “They ruined the Comiskey tradition by changing the name, so I ain’t goin’ to no more games.”

Sox Fest was held over the weekend in Chicago. Where the Cubs Convention attracted almost 5,000 morons (me included) Sox fest was attended by “hundreds” of Sox fans.

Every summer we hear the same old crap about how Sox fans are better fans because they don’t support bad teams and Cubs fans are dumb because Wrigley’s always full, no matter what. Why doesn’t anybody just finally admit that there are simply more Cubs fans than Sox fans?

Seems easy enough to me.

Chairman Reinsdorf says that all of the money from the stadium name deal will go to ballpark improvements. You mean they’re going to move the park out of the projects?

Mike Downey offers to sell his naming rights.

Wannabe All-Star Jalen Rose had two free throws with a chance to give the Bulls road win number three. Oops.

Blah, blah, blah, Jay Williams is tired, blah, blah, blah. Oh shut up.

In case you haven’t noticed, Matt Carroll is good. Really good.

Unlike our very own Stephen Smith, Illini coach Bill Self sees the Big Ten as a three team race, and he thinks the Illini are number four. Stephen’s right. Bill’s just trying to the throw the media off the scent.

Notre Dame is number ten and the Illini are 16th. But Illinois is ranked behind Marquette? Oh puh-lease.

Mariotti’s blaming Ditka’s wanderlust on the fans.

Rap wants to cut NCAA football scholarships to 53. Sure, why let those extra 350 kids go to college for free? It’s actually probably more like 700 when you factor in Division I-AA and Division II schools, though.

The Wizard of Roz is trying to figure out what to really call US Cellular Field.

A Maryland duo have apparently chosen Notre Dame as the place to play their football.

LeBron James said he only took those throwback jerseys because he thought he was being rewarded for his academic excellence. Huh? Check out his quote, “When I went in (the store), you know, I was just going in there as being, you know, another player, and they was trying to reward me for my good grades.” Well, yeah “they was trying” sure reeks of academic excellence. James apparently has a 3.5 grade point average in high school. I wish I’d gone to that school.

Tom Friend says that LeBron’s a good kid. He’s just not an amateur.

Underwear supermodel Len Pasquarelli says that Steve Mariucci is being hired to save the Lions and Matt Millen’s job. Maybe not in that order.

CNNSI breaks down the top 25 recruiting classes. Get a big grain of salt when you read anybody bragging about any high school players. Ever.

Stewey with some pretty lame stuff on signing day.

Football season’s over, but Peter King is still pumping out his MMQB column.

Sure it’s 17 degrees outside, but this ought to warm you up.

This just in: Michael Jackson is weird.

Paramount Pictures has yanked a trailer from a Stanley Tucci action movie (how funny is that idea) because it shows an “imperiled Space Shuttle.” Once again, Hollywood treats us like we’re four years old.

EW on last night’s Joe Millionaire.

Courtney Love was arrested for being a bitch.

Aaron Brown was busy golfing at the time of the Shuttle explosion. Uh, is this news? Was he a suspect or something?

Wow, those McDonald’s bagels must be tough.

Ben Affleck wants to run for congress some day.

And he’s even finally bothered to register to vote!

I want to party with Paul Hogan. The butler guy, not the crocodile one.

The world’s greatest newspaper found the second Kennedy assassin.