Wait, don’t answer that. But how’s this for dumb? I follow every minute of Survivor all season long. From Quisty’s stwuggles wif communicating to Roger being weird to Dave the rocket scientist, to Heidi’s fake boobs and vapidness, to Rob, the most hilarious of all the Survivors, ever.

The big finale airs on Mother’s Day night…and I forget it’s on. I would like to be shot now.

I missed it. I missed Jenna winning the immunity challenges, and I missed Quisty inexplicably voting for Jenna! How does that happen?

Anyway, I am obviously unable to recap the night, but when the good folks at televisionwithoutpity.com post theirs, you’ll be the first to see it. Sigh. As always, I’m a dope.

But, the first place Cubs are cruising along.

A few things about Sunday’s game. I watched with my Cardinals fan brother in law and my dad. On a day fit for neither man nor beast the Cubs and Cardinals were busy hitting pop-ups and letting them land in the stands for homers. It was absurd.

My favorite moment of the day? It has to do with Eli Marrero’s crash in right field. Even I’m not going to say I was glad he got hurt. But you have to admit that whatever that contraption the Cubs training staff brought onto the field to haul him off was hilarious. It was like a cross between a stretcher and a reclining lawn chair. The thing looked like Gary Coleman would have been to big for it. The other best part was the look on Jim Edmonds’ face when Eli went down. It wasn’t, “oh dear, my teammate is injured.” It was, “hey, loser, watch out, I almost tripped on you!”

He’s a sweet guy, that Jimmy Edmonds.

Cardinals fans were up in arms that the game was played in such conditions. After all, they lost their third string catcher and fourth string right fielder. Oh, the horror! But then, they were mad that the umpires called the game six outs short of being made official. Make up your mind. Too bad to play, or not bad enough to cost the Cardinals a win? Hmmm…

Meanwhile, up in Milwaukee the Cubs are busy playing “Sammy who?” with the Brewers. Seventeen runs in two games? We can get used to this. We won’t. But we could. That’s all I’m saying.

About Kerry Wood throwing 141 pitches on Saturday. Here’s the thing. If he’d thrown 120 pitches in nine innings, it’d have been the same. He threw 141 in seven. He’d have thrown roughly 20 warmup pitches before the eighth and ninth. If he goes the route with 120 pitches, you think Dusty’s a genius.

However, I’m not without some concern. I think what kills a pitcher is consistent abuse. You can let Kerry go upwards of 130 once in a while. But you need to compensate in the next start. Put him on a shorter leash. Maybe on Thursday he only gets to throw 110 and he’s done, no matter what. It’s like giving your running back the ball 40 times in a game one week. You run him 40 times the next week and he disappears like Neal Anderson. You cut it back a little and he recovers. But that’s just me.

What can I say about Kenny Williams? The man is comedy gold. From his phony white man voice to his skin thin enough to slice off and serve to the in-laws, he’s entertaining. Yesterday, news broke that two of his sons were charged in a car burglary. Kenny came out and said, “Our family has an AIDS case in it, too. You probably want to know that.” Oh calm down, Kenny. For chrissakes.

How is it the media’s fault your sons were charged with that crime? Shouldn’t you call Billy Beane and see if you can get fleeced on another trade?

That Keith Foulke for Billy Koch deal has certainly been a doozy.

I’m enjoying the Dallas-Sacramento series a lot. But I’ll tell you one thing I miss. I miss Chris Webber giving up the ball on every fourth quarter possession. It was always high comedy to watch him play hot potato, or “I don’t want to shoot it now” for twelve minutes at the end of every big game.

Instead, you get Peja and Bobby Jackson fighting over the ball because they both want it. Every time I see Vlade Divac I remember what Charley Rosen said about how Vlade would rather foul out than be in at the end of a big game. I just think that is so true.

By the way, the only thing funnier than Steve Nash’s hair is Eduardo Najera’s. It’s like Pugsley Adams’ only worse. I laugh every time I see it.

How did Bob Horry’s three pointer NOT go in last night? The Spurs literally tried to give that game to the Lakers. I might be the only guy in the world who thinks that Dallas can beat LA, but I know they can beat San Antonio. If the Spurs somehow get past LA in either one of these games, we’re looking at an eventual Dallas-New Jersey Finals. I’m giddy about this. Real basketball in the NBA Finals for a change. Can’t wait.

So you know that somehow it’ll end up LA-Detroit and it’ll be the most unwatchable thing since Emeril’s sitcom.

Another thing I noticed last night. It’s still hockey season. Who knew?

Vijay Singh says that if he’s paired with Annika Sorenstam in The Colonial, he won’t play. Yeah, it would be torture to play a round with a pretty girl, huh Vijay? Maybe he’s afraid that if the wind’s just right his 15th club will show up?

Even for me, that joke was vague and not that funny. I’m leaving it in. Just remember what you paid to read it. So there.

The Cubs have taken over Miller Park. Really though, why do we want it? If you go, you have to have the Italian Sausage…best in the big leagues. Don’t skimp on the special sauce, either. But whatever Gorman Thomas is cooking up…you don’t want.

Dusty says Big Choi gets a big seat on the bench when lefties start against the Cubs. Hey, Eric Karros is hitting .367. I’m not arguing with Dusty.

Kenny Williams is strange.

Rick Morrissey mocks Kenny Williams for overreacting to a conflict between Jerry Manuel and Frank Thomas. Honestly, I worry about anybody who doesn’t have a conflict with Frank.

Henry Burris is hurt. You can tell where his career’s at that this is bigger news in Berlin than in Barrington.

Dusty likes his pitchers to pitch.

Billy Koch wants to get back to slamming the door. On his foot.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to say he hardly recognizes Phil Jackson.

I think we should all get in on the Cubs ticket scalping class action lawsuit if we can.

Dave Otto’s batting practice tosses are saving the Cubs. Huh?

The Wizard of Roz on the Cubs big decision, and is that Alex Kaseberg guy ever funny? Ever?

Those seats on the mon-stah are awesome. It’s just too bad Rob Neyer’s not around to write about what it’s like to fall off the wall.

The ACC is about to suck in Miami, Syracuse and Boston College. If this ends up with the creation of that Catholic Conference (for all sports but football) with Notre Dame, DePaul, Marquette, Georgetown, Xavier, Dayton, Seton Hall, etc. I’m all for it.

Tom Verducci says Rafael Palmeiro is a Hall of Famer. I concur.

Are you kidding me? ABC found room for a Breckin Meyer sitcom in this fall’s schedule? Guh. At least Carla Gugino is coming back to TV, and she’s not in Breckin’s crap fest, either.

WHO with some interesting numbers. Traffic kills more than war. More people commit suicide than get murdered.

Looks like we all might be able to get jobs at The New York Times pretty soon.

JFK liked the nose candy, apparently.

The world’s greatest newspaper says a smelly guy in New Orleans can’t be fired.