Patience is a funny thing. It’s a virtue, or so they say. Good things come to those who wait. Blah, blah, blah.

With the Cubs now a half game out of first place in the National League Central, the time for taking your time and waiting your turn is over.

Al Davis once said of the Raiders’ offense, “Most teams take what the defense gives you. We take what we want.”

It’s time for a very un-Cublike move. The Astros are reeling, the Cardinals are a mess and a ticket to the playoffs is lying there.

Just punch the damn thing.

Chip Caray’s favorite boy toy Craig Biggio said yesterday that he knows the race is still going to come down to the final weekend.

Screw that.

How about we get to the last weekend in September and the Cubs are sewing NL Central Championship patches on their uniforms and trying to figure out who pitches games one through three of the division series?

How about that last weekend is just one long series of standing ovations and curtain calls and crazed rantings about how the Cubs can beat those mean old Braves, or those aging-before-our-eyes Giants?

How about we all sit back on that last Sunday of the regular season, knowing that the Cubs plan on playing nearly a month’s more schedule of games without Chip Caray?

On Sunday you had hope.
Monday night you were resigned to the Cubs being the Cubs.
But by Thursday you knew the truth.

The Astros know it and won’t admit it.

The Cardinals know it and will never admit it.

The best team in the National League Central has a baby bear for a mascot.

Deal with it.

Of course it won’t really be that easy. These after all, are the Cubs. They took lessons from the Red Sox in how to turn doubt into disbelief, into blind hope, and then into complete heartbreak. They’re Lucy holding the football and we’re Charlie Brown running up to kick it and deluding ourselves into thinking she’s not going to yank it away this time.

The reason you keep coming back for more is that sometime it has to change. One of these days the last team celebrating will be the Cubs.

They’re closer than you think.

—

Augie took one for the team, Bako singled off the bag and you just knew it was the Cubs day.

Juan Cruz did the Rick Vaughn in Dusty’s office when Larry Rothschild told him he had to go back to Iowa. I’ve been to Iowa. I don’t blame Juan.

That dazed look on the faces of the Astros? It was the realization that they’re completely screwed. Muahahahahahahahaha!

Rick White paid immediate dividends. For the Cubs.

Ramon Martinez says he can walk around Chicago and nobody recognizes him. Heck, he could walk around the infield and nobody’s recognize him.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to complain that Sammy and his agent are killing his buzz. Oh, shut up. Don’t you have an inseam to rip?

Jeff Kent is a math whiz, he says, “We still have a better record than they do.” Call us back on Saturday. See how you match up.

The White Sox just don’t “do” the West Coast, do they?

The Big Ten is going to have replay for football this year. How much you want to bet that Purdue won’t be able to use it because Joe Tiller will have eaten the beanbag out of the challenge flag?

Gary Godsey’s knee is bad. Yeah, well guess what? So’s the rest of him.

John Jackson says Steve Kerr (unlike Johnny) knows when to hang it up.

The Wizard of Roz thinks people are making up a QB controversy.

Newsday says the Yankees are about done with the Drew Henson experiment. I don’t know what all the NFL fuss is about. He’s a Michigan quarterback. They always suck. Hey, look! I think Brian Griese just fell down again!

Sad news about Bobby Bonds.

The Anti-Christ is so simplistic it’s laughable. This column is so funny every week they really ought to run it on McSweeney’s and not ESPN.com.

Wait, we were wrong! Ken Dorsey’s great! Oh, wait. No he’s not.

John Donovan just figured out that the Diamondbacks and Dodgers can’t hit.

An English man had sex with a pig. But enough about Guy Ritchie and Madonna. (Rimshot.)

This makes Joe Rogan a “poor man’s Jimmy Kimmel.” Not something you put on the resume.

Couldn’t they leave the baby in the bank vault? Wasn’t she pretty safe in the…uh…safe?

A Nebraska company is auctioning off the most expensive meteorite ever. It’s worth an estimated $2 million, and could fetch twice that once the citizens there find out it’s been autographed by Tom Osborne.

America’s finest news source hits the streets to find out what “real people” think about the gay bishop.