Honestly, if the Bears could just play San Diego and Detroit, and maybe get Oakland again, this team could win the Super Bowl. When it comes to being the best of the bad, the Bears have that down pat.

Yesterday, the Bears got a healthy A-Train back just in time for him to run wild over the Chargers, and San Diego, having to flee southern California to avoid the fires, trained in Champaign this week. It gave them a chance to be the third team in two years to prove that if you practice in Champaign, you can’t beat anybody.

You may argue whether it was the quarterback change to Chris Chandler, or getting John Shoop up in the press box, or playing lousy defenses, but for the last few weeks, this Bears offense looks like a real-live NFL one. Who knew?

By the way, it’s Chandler. As amazing as that seems.

But if putting Shoop up higher so he can see the action better works, I’d like to volunteer to send both him and Lance Bass up in the Russian Mir space station for a few months…or years.

Sure the Lions thumped the Raiders yesterday (who hasn’t), but the Bears beat them last week with Brock Forsey at running back. Brock Forsey. I like our chances on Sunday with a real one. That, and I’ll admit I’m still mad that the Bears let Forsey wear 44, I was sure they were going to retire it for Terry Schmidt.

Did you notice that Adrian Peterson got flagged for an illegal block in the back, and he wasn’t even dressed for the game? Man, I’ll bet that gets him a bad grade on the +/- chart today.

Just to prove that Hub Arkush is still the biggest prick you’ll ever meet, here’s how he started his postgame interview with Anthony Thomas yesterday. “Hey, how about Chris Perry breaking your Michigan record for most carries in a game yesterday? Talk about a workhorse.”

First off, shut up Hub. Secondly, there were maybe six Michigan fans listening to the WBBM postgame radio show, so way to know your audience.

I used to love to turn down the sound on the TV and hear the Bears call. But I have literally, not listened to one second of play-by-play this year from the Three Stooges of Joniak, Arkush and Thayer. When you’d rather listen to Gus Johnson and Brent Jones—WBBM’s got a problem.

Last year I had it with Joniak because he’d go 15-20 minutes without giving the score and he never got the down and distance or yard line that the ball was on right. That’s not a big deal if you’re watching on TV, but when you’re in your car and he’s your “eyes” for the game, you’d be better off just Oedipus’ing yourself.

So the Bears are now 3-5 on the season and “only” three games behind the Vikings with eight games to play. That seems absurd (and it is, given that the Bears still have yet to beat a good team). But the Vikings are falling apart. We’ve seen this before.

Remember all of those Bears teams from about 1988 until Wanny go to town and took out the axe and completely dismembered the franchise? Ditka would get them off to a 4-0 or 6-2 start and then they’d realize they were playing over their heads and they’d crash and burn to either 9-7 or 8-8. The Vikes have begun the plunge.

There’s no truth to the rumor that when Bryan Robinson heard that Ditka had fallen in his house and broken his hip replacement, that Robinson said, “See! It happens!”

I’m not sure if Mike Tice is the dumbest man to ever be an NFL coach, but let’s just say he’s in the team photo with Wanny, Jerry Burns, Wayne Fontes and any Shula not named Don.

The NFL Network premieres at 7 p.m. tomorrow night with a show called “NFL Total Access” with Rich Eisen. The same Rich Eisen who vowed to spend some of his post ESPN time off working on his stand-up comedy act. I have no idea.

It really is “Total Access” though, and it’s on cable so anything goes. Here’s what you can expect on “NFL Total Access.”

—Inside the Groin Pull Exam with Chicago Bears trainer Fred Tedesci
–Loofa usage tips from Flozell Adams
–An interview with Redskins “visor” wrangler Noah Brindise
–A thirty minute dissertation of the long snap by Pat Mannelly
–The poetry of Brian Baldinger
–Deep Thoughts with Kyle Turley
and much more.

The Bulls were in Milwaukee on Saturday night after an exciting win over the Hawks on Friday night. They had it all going for them. Tyson Chandler was coming off a 22 rebound night, Eddy Curry had scored 22 against Theo Ratliff, and they were playing the pathetic Bucks.

And they blew a 13 point lead and lost by (brace yourself) THIRTY! Wow. Just to be clear, that’s not good.

I’m not saying they don’t have a real coach…but…they don’t. There, I said it. Again.

If you didn’t get a chance to catch the new Fox show “Arrested Development” last night, you really need to. There aren’t that many really funny shows on TV anymore, but this one looks like it’s going to be one. Besides, you can’t mix the comedy talents of Jeffrey Tambor, David Cross and Jason Bateman (who was great when he guest starred on “Silver Spoons” and not strike gold. Just watch. You can thank me later.

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David Huh wants to credit the Bears defense with the win, but as always, David Huh is a moron. If Charles Tillman doesn’t down that punt at the one yard line, do we really think that given the way Doug Flutie (DOUG FLUTIE! Blecch.) tore through the Bears defense the possession before, that the lead would have held up?

Apparently, bungee-less bungee jumping is not a new feature at Soldier Field.

Desmond Clark caught a pass! Whoop dee damn doo.

The A-Train is very polite. That’s nice.

Just how bad is Kordell Stewart if Chris Chandler can make it look this easy?

Tyson Chandler on who to blame.

Jeff Van Gundy wants Yao to be more assertive.

Paul Sullivan should just go home for the winter. Somewhere there’s a circus in need of a midget.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to tout Ozzie Guillen (again) for Sox manager. Didn’t he write this column on Friday, too? Besides, isn’t Ozzie just kind of a loud, yapping, dope? The Sox still have no clue.

Charles Woodson sends Bill Callahan an early Christmas card. Only it sounds like he signed it, “Screw you.”

It didn’t take the Dolphins long to realize that Brian Griese sucks, did it?

The Bucs might bring Rob Johnson back. Well, sure, that’ll spark the turnaround to the Super Bowl.

A-Rod doesn’t want to be traded. That’s good. Because he’s not going to be.

The Yankees are going to move Willie Randolph to be Joe Torre’s bench coach and they’re going to bring Joe Girardi in as a “special assistant” in charge of making sure the catchers never hit better than .212.

Jerry Buss thinks he’s Kobe’s dad. I hope Kobe gets his hair.

Scott Layden doesn’t want to park with Michael Doleac, because then the Knicks would only be six deep at “undersized center.”

Rodney White thinks he’ll be a Bobcat next season. Hey…great?

Some guys will go to any length to get away from Harold Reynolds.

Peter Gammons is not exactly enamored with the MLB Players Association.

Peter King says upsets are now the norm. Then are they still upsets?

The news just never gets better in Iraq, does it?

Thirteen Italians between the ages of 13 and 20 were arrested for having sex in a cemetery. Well, Happy Halloween to you too!

I know an annoying woman who says things like “guys were blowing up my cell phone last night,” well, maybe they will.

Three California kids have been expelled for making a sex video. And you thought the “OC” was just a cheesy TV show.

China wants to send a probe to the moon. Will somebody call them and tell them that we’ve actually been there? We even got out and walked around.

When Ashley Judd gets stressed, she bakes. And apparently Wynonna comes over and eats.

Xtina has man issues.

The dumbest damn thing ever.

A book claims Bill Clinton is a sex addict. Gee, ya think?

America’s finest news source reveals that the US State Department says that if you think it’s so easy to rebuild Iraq, you do it, hotshot.