You have to give the Cubs credit. It’s not every year you see a team get themselves into five bases loaded and nobody out situations in five days. It’s also not every year that the same team can’t score even one run in that situation.

By my count there are 14 ways you can score a run or more with the bases loaded and nobody out, you can single, double, triple or hit a homer, you can walk, you can hit a sacrifice fly, you can ground into a double play that does not involve an out at home plate, you can ground out into one out without the play being made at home, the pitcher could balk, there could be a wild pitch, a passed ball or an error, there could be catcher’s interference, or fielder’s interference.

Fourteen!

And yet, the Cubs, by doing it twice last night, have managed to squander five straight bases loaded and nobody out situations and not score a run.

This, is a hell of a way to win a pennant.

There is very little doubt that the Cubs need to make a move. It’s convienient to wait for Mark Prior and Sammy Sosa and Kerry Wood to come back, and there’s no doubt that will help in a big way. If I were running the franchise (and really, you should all be thankful every day that I’m not), I’d be trying to put Corey Patterson on a bus to Des Moines this morning.

Look, I know I take a lot of crap for defending him, but all I’ve ever said is that you cannot trade him right now for what he’ll eventually be worth. But until he shows some interest in learning the strike zone, he needs to go away. Twice last night, Corey was up with the bases loaded and any kind of contact would mean a run. Both times he flailed wildly and struck out. Sure he singled in the ninth, but in a very Derrek Ug-Lee kind of way. You go 1-4 and make sure the one hit comes when it helps the least.

Over his last seven games, Patterson is hiting .308 with a .400 on base average and a .500 slugging percentage. He has a homer, two RBI and seven strikeouts compared to four walks. So that’s not bad.

But look at these numbers.

Corey is 5-39 with runners in scoring position this year, that’s a .149 clip. In those 34 at bats, he has struck out more than a third of the time, with 13 K’s.

What makes no sense is that Corey is one of the best hitters in the league with runners on base and two out. Huh? With runners on and two out, Corey is 14-33 (.424) with nine RBI.

However, and this is the part nobody wants to hear, the Cubs have no other alternative in center field. Who are you going to play, Jose Macias? The Jose Macias who last posted an on base average of better than .300 in 2001?

Tom Goodwin’s hurt, and even when healthy, Tom Goodwin is old and bad. Sure going 2-13 as a pinch hitter will hurt the batting average but so will going 7-29 as a regular player. As an outfielder, Goodwin’s batting average is actually HIGHER than his on base average. .241 to .233. How is that possible? (It’s possible because he has no walks as a regular player and was out trying to stretch a single into a double one of his seven hits. It means he’s had seven hits, and only been on base six times. Spooky.)

Who are the centerfielders who are, or soon will be on the market? Just out of curiosity, lets look.

Carlos Beltran, KC — He’s the best player on the market and if you trade for him early enough, you give yourself the protection, that if your season goes into the toilet quickly, you can trade him again on July 31. This would be the big move. The one that makes the Astros and Cardinals crap their pants.

Kenny Lofton, NYY — He’s a bad fit in New York and bitches every day about his playing time. He loves Dusty, and while it’s true he and Sammy got into it during the playoffs last year, they’re both stubborn and self-centered and don’t really care what the other guy thinks about them. The problem is that Kenny annoys everyone. Jim Thome once said that the difference between playing with Albert Belle and Kenny Lofton was that most of the Indians actually liked Albert. Lofton has a two year contract, and he’s not worth that. But what do we care? It’s not our money.

Reed Johnson, Tor — The arrival of Alexis Rios to the Blue Jays roster could make Reed expendable, but since he’s hitting .320 with 29 RBI and bats leadoff…probably not. Plus, he’s cheap and the Blue Jays loooove cheap.

Randy Winn, Sea — Sucks.

Steve Finley, Ari — He’s 39 and playing on a very bad team. He’ll get moved somewhere this year, why not the Cubs? He’d be a one-year rental at whatever’s left of his $7 million salary. This is just crazy enough to work. Who knew?

The other gaping hole, is actually much more gaping than even center field. If you had to improve one position on the Cubs right now, it has to be shortstop. Ramon Martinez has been playing every day (practically) since May 6. Over that time he’s been mediocre to bad. He’s hit .250, but with an on base average of only .315 and his slugging percentage is a whopping .313! Not only do the Cubs have a player who’s on base is lower than batting average (Goodwin) they have a starter with a lower slugging percentage than on base. Guh.

Rey Ordonez is here to save the day, though! Whoo hoo! Rey has a career batting average of .247 and has long been an overrated defender. He’s useless.

So who’s out there to be had?

Brian Roberts, Bal — He can play second and short, he hit .270 last year and is hitting .274 for Baltimore right now. That’s not that great, but if a Cubs shorstop could hit .274 we’d throw a freaking parade for him. The O’s will eventually trade either Roberts or Jerry Hairston, Jr. Roberts can play short, Jerry can’t.

Orlando Cabrera, Mon — Cabrera’s having a terrible year (.223, 3, 14) but he’s a very good player. However, this very good player followed up a nice 2001 season with a lesser 2002. Is he going to follow a good 2003 with a bad 2004? Hmm?

Omar Vizquel, Cle — Omar’s range is less than what it was, however, it’s still better than anybody on the Cubs, and he’s having a very good year at the plate so far (.301 average, .370 on base). He’s in the last year of his contract, too. Peter Gammons thinks the Cubs are going to trade for him in July. So why wait?

Angel Berroa, KC — Off to a terrible start .223 average, .252 on base, he was the rookie of the year last year and only makes $300K. He’s not going anywhere.

Rich Aurilia, Sea — He’s a career .279 hitter, but he can’t buy a hit in Safeco Field where he’s 14-70 (.200). The Cubs have been scouting him, and don’t seem to be impressed. His middle name is Santo, by the way. And yes, he has both legs. For now.

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Who knew that the Curb Your Enthusiasm with the marijuana, the hooker, the car pool lane and the Dodgers tickets would come in so handy for a murder suspect?

The Cubs kept loading the bases, and then somebody had to bring out three caps and gloves to the guys between innings. What a hassel. You’d be better off driving them in and then having them pick up their own equipment.

Greggie says he feels no pain.

Fat Roger faces the Cubs today. Hey, we’re 1-0 against him!

Rick Morrissey is giddy that Prior is coming back.

Groucho on Phil Jackson. Again.

Dave Terrell is still a Bear.

Notre Dame-BYU September 4. Whoopee?

Eddy Curry actually showed up to work out. See! That’s…great?

Magglio says the Sox never offered him $70 million, so he hasn’t been able to turn it down. Yet.

The Wizard of Roz’s column is Kaseberg free!

Bad news…Bernstein is coming back to the Score.

Sports Guy says a few nice things about Chad Ford, before re-running a humiliating mention of Darko that Ford once wrote. Anybody who’s ever had any dealings with Ford knows the guy is a complete weasel, and one of the most reprehensible humans on the face of the earth. Just an awful little man…er…boy…whatever.

Kirk Snyder, a power forward in a small forward’s body (never a good thing for an NBA prospect) has a diary! I’m sure he’s telling his friends that it’s a journal.

Quick, start the fantasy baseball stampede for Marco Scutaro!

Screw that. If the Twins are going to trade Mike Restovich, they need to trade him to the Cubs.

The Padres are now looking at drafting JD Drew’s little brother number one, overall.

Scott Rolen took one off the melon last night. But seriously, how can you miss that thing? It’s huge.

Nice one here from The Genius. “I wanted him to run the bases. That way he might get a chance to break up two and knock the pivotman into the stands. Or a play at the plate where the pitcher covers the plate. You’ve got to give him a shot.”

If only a guy could knock the manager into the stands.

Milton Bradley had a little episode last night. Anytime Joe West is involved says to me that the umps deserved it.

Stop feeding the f@#$ing baby!

Ugh. Why would a bus stop for her?

America’s finest news source says that a gay couple in Massachusetts now feels pressured to get married.