This is the stuff that makes us love baseball. This is what sucks you in and never lets go.
The Cubs, buoyed by a trade that filled their two biggest holes have gone out and made a statement in the National League Central.
Unfortunately, that statement is, “We’ve got vacation plans in October, and we’ll be damned if we’re going to screw them up.”
Guh.
This was what happened to me yesterday afternoon.
I logged on to the GameCast thingy on Cubs.com and the Cubs had taken a 3-1 lead in the fifth inning. Kenny Lofton had just driven in his first run as a Cub and E-ramis had just gotten his first Cubs hit. Kerry Wood was on the mound and all was right with the world.
I busied myself with important issues like world hunger, AIDS in Africa and other pressing matters of world importance.
Then, I got an e-mail from intrepid reader Doug Selky. It said simply, “When Kerry loses it, it happens in a hurry. Shades of the 7/4 Cardinal game. Deja vu all over again.” And it had a link to the sportsline.com Gamecenter page. It was 10-3! Kerry had given up seven earnies in the sixth inning. SEVEN! A couple of relievers had trudged in to throw gas on the fire and suddenly it was 10-3, on it’s way to being 14-6.
I sat at my desk and wept. I slowly walked to the closet and put on my Cubs hairshirt and realized that despite all of the premature jockularity that comes with 64 days in first place that next year was not here. And I thought about what today’s Dose should be about.
I figured it ought to be a postmortem on the Cubs loss. Perhaps a scintillating piece on how some online media hacks posted a photo of Kobe Bryant’s accuser–a very cute blonde girl–but how it was another girl from the same town. Oops.
But then I thought to myself. Wait, in the six years of Desipio.com (yeah, it’s been that long–six years as of yesterday, actually), we’ve never done a feature on the greatest, cheesiest, most tragically awful-yet tremendous, actor/singer song of all time.
And so I looked no farther than this one:
Don Johnson – Heartbeat (1986)
Listen
Heartbeat
I don´t care what you say
You can give it away
Your money don´t mean much to me
I´ve been out on my own
Going to go it alone now
Cause that´s the way it´s got to be
Everybody tells me how
I can beat the odds for now
I´ve been standing by the fire
I just can´t feel the heat
Can´t feel the heat
Heartbeat
I´m looking for a heartbeat
Heartbeat
I´m looking for a heartbeat
Beating like mine
Looking at me, it´s easy to see
You think you know just how I feel
Well you do me wrong
And it won´t take me long
Before my restless heart will heal
I´m looking for love, a love like mine
They tell me it´s so hard to find
Well I can feel it in the rhythms
The heartbeat in the streets
Heartbeat
I´m looking for a heartbeat
Heartbeat
I´m looking for a heartbeat
Beating like mine
Beating like mine
Tell me what you feel now
We´ve got a heartbeat
Baby is it real now
We´ve got a heartbeat
Heartbeat
Heartbeat
I´m looking for a heartbeat
Heartbeat
I´m looking for a heartbeat
Heartbeat…
How about the fact that there was an entire Don Johnson album? It had SIXTEEN tracks on it! And check out the credits. Willie Nelson, Barbra Streisand and Dicky Betts helped out on this? Oh, shoot me dead.
Heartbeat was not just an album though. It was a movie, and of course, one of the cheesiest videos of all time. Thankfully we have photographic evidence of the video.
About the movie. In it, Don starred as a documentary filmmaker and his wife was Lori Singer (Footloose), Paul Shaffer played his assistant, Willie Nelson plays…Willie Nelson and Dweezil and Moon Unit Zappa play members of Don’s band. How was this not an Oscar winner?
Blockbuster has the movie, though they say it’s a 65-minute music video. This scares me.
Sixty-five minutes of Don Johnson singing? Of Paul Shaffer being creepy? Of Lori Singer trying to convince her pastor father to let her and her friends have a prom? Wait…wrong movie. Of Lori Singer trying to use the beasts of the world to fight tyrrany? Wait…wrong Singer sibling.
Do you have a Nokia phone? Sure you do, everybody does. Well, you’re in luck. You can order Heartbeat to be your ringtone!
If you want, you can listen to every song on all three (three!) Don Johnson albums. Who knew he was so prolific? (One of the “albums” is actually a single of a duet with Barbra. I’m getting queasy.)
Don even made it into the Rolling Stones-REM-Bob Dylan pantheon of artists with misunderstood lyrics.
If you live in Germany, you can listen to a collection of “The Essential” Don Johnson. He’s not as big over there as David Hasselhoff. But then, who is?
Alas, you can never see the Heartbeat video on MTV again. In 1999, MTV declared it the “lamest video of all-time” and in a special hosted by Denis Leary, Janeane Garofalo, Jon Stewart and Chris Kattan (Chris Kattan?) they banned it. Vanilla Ice dropped by to destroy his video for “Ice, Ice Baby” and nearly started a riot. Sigh.
But we’ll always have the memories. Besides, MTV never plays videos anyway.
—
In the miracle of all miracles, the Bears signed both first round draft picks, Michael Haynes and Sexy Rexy and both will be in camp today. Is this some kind of practical joke?
Nice to see Rosey reads the column. Now a little attribution for me actually coming up with E-ramis would be nice. My lawyers will be in touch, Steve.
The Rangers pantsed the Sox in the Carl Everett trade. Embarassing. You know why the Sox had to give up players to get Everett and Alomar but the Cubs didn’t to get E-ramis and Kenny? Because the Mets and Rangers are paying Alomar and Everett and the Cubs are paying E-ramis and Kenny. Now which franchise is cheap and doesn’t want to win?
The Sox have won seven in a row. That’s nice. It almost makes up for losing five of six to the D-Rays and Tigers last week.
Dick is on the slab again. (I have no idea.)
Kerry Wood gave new meaning to the “sixth” inning.
Hee Seop may have found his stroke. Better check his bat.
Nobody can beat the summer Bulls. Uh…great?
While the money grubbing administrators cash big BCS checks and claim a college football playoff system would be too hard on the players, the players wonder why nobody asks them what they think?
John Jackson goes off on the radio nitwit who is giving out Kobe’s accuser’s name.
Mariotti puts down the doughnut to admit he likes Dick.
Roger Ebert likes Seabuiscuit.
Stewey doesn’t feel sorry for the little schools who play D-I college football. I could give a whit about them myself, I just want a playoff.
Just what pennant race do the Marlins think they’re in? Now they want to trade for perennial DL favorite RonDeLl White.
The Mariners think that Brian Giles is headed to San Diego. If the stupid M’s would pull the trigger, he just might mean the World Series to them, though.
Joey is getting his own show when Friends finally goes away.
Who wants to car pool to Connecticut for some free porn?
I’ll bet Colin Farrell will drive.
The US Government gave at least one of the Hussein brothers a little post-mortem plastic surgery.
Are you sh@#ting me? Jayson Blair got two new jobs.
America’s finest news source says that Maryland is broke and its closing.
I had the misfortune of attending yesterday’s debacle at Wrigley. After purchasing tickets from a father and his two daughters who had gone through the turnstiles, picked up their two limited edition Barbie dolls, and turned around and walked out, we joined thousands of pre-teen girls and Shania Twain watch the wheels fall off the already-rickety Cubby wagon. Some thoughts and observations:
Snania Twain is much shorter in person. She was playing catch with Gruddy before the game and appeared to have a better arm than Tom Goodwin.
I was bitching all day about Big Choi not being in the line-up. I grumbled when Eric Karros grounded into a DP in the first inning to snuff out a first inning where they could’ve buried the Phillies. Then, his lack of range kept the Cubs from turning a DP in the ill-fated 6th inning that would’ve kept the score 5-3. I was hailed by people around me after Big Choi’s HR following a double-switch. Dusty’s post-game comment?: "Are we here to develop (players), or are we here to try to win". Big Choi is your future at 1B and Karros is hitting the most ineffective .332 I’ve seen. The range and defense at 1B isn’t even close.
Has anyone seen the 20-something goof wearing the full Cubs uniform and bandana walking through the stands? He has an Alou jersey and appears to be trying to be the white Ronnie Woo-Woo. How about Lonnie Alou-loo? (That’s bad)
Speaking of Ronnie Woo-woo, I saw a woman with a Cubs jersey and "Woo-Woo" and the number 69 on the back. What is sicker, the thought of Ronnie Woo-Woo doing "69" or the fact that some moron would pay $180 to have a jersey like that made up and wear it in public?
The Cubs need two out of three in Houston, or it’s trouble.
I’m sounding the fire alarm and saying that it better be a very, very, very strong 2 of three or else a sweep. Otherwise, it’s time to concentrate on football.
Why no love?
Heartbeat! We’re lookin’ for a heartbeat!!
Did we get Kile too?
http://www.nj.com/printer/printer.ssf?/base/sports-0/1059026196242540.xmlWe already picked up Uday and Qusay off of waivers!
Hmm, maybe I can offer up Kris Honel for those guys.
I have heard Don sing and you sir are way off base on this one
I finally get some press!!!
Prospectus Today
by Joe Sheehan
One of the less meaningful ways in which I make myself feel smart is by making fun of the factoids seen on scoreboards at ballgames. "Bob is hitting .273 in his last six games (6-for-22)" when Bob is hitting .317 on the season. "Tim has been called to the majors three times this year (4/18, 5/22 and 6/1)." "Alex was American League Player of the Week 6/14-6/20/96."
Last night, the Blue Jays retired the game. With Brian Daubach at the plate in the 11th inning, here’s what the scoreboard at SkyDome read:
LIKES STRAWBERRY ICE CREAM
That ends it. No three-game hitting streak, no draft information, no "last homered here in 1999" blurb is ever going to do for me what "LIKES STRAWBERRY ICE CREAM" did.
I, too, am in search of a heart. I do get beat often, however.
3560 online poker
The body is not a permanent dwelling, but a sort of inn…which is to be left behind when one perceives that one is a burden to the host. by texas hold’em
7656 this is the online casinso site.
3754 http://www.online-poker-click.com
386 http://texas-holdem.usyellow.com
6029 thankd for great site
4599 you know sometimes, I wonder if theres anyone at the healm?
%-) genuinely interested by this website
It’s a great website of yours. I surfed by and found it very informative. Bookmarked and check you back in a while
I like your website; I will share this with friends
This is one super duper site
Nice website. Great online affiliate program. Thank you.