Sometime tomorrow, probably the first thing in ESPN’s coverage, Chris Berman will take that serious, somber tone he pretends to have on occasion and he’ll tell us how frivolous this exercise is–the NFL Draft. He’ll talk about former Arizona Cardinals’ safety Pat Tillman and how his death yesterday in Afghanistan is what really matters. It will be as if there aren’t millions of people at home saying, “No s@#$.”
And then after an awkward transition to Mel Kiper’s hairdo, the draft coverage will go on as planned. The Giants and Chargers will finally wrap up their ridiculous Eli Manning tug-of-war, the Raiders will do something unexpected, and likely stupid, and the draft will roll on.
Here at Desipio today, we’ll break down the acutal needs each team has. Then you can play along tomorrow and see if they’ve filled them.
Team Needs
NFC North
Chicago Bears — The Bears are in dire need of three things, a pass rusher, a left tackle and a head coach who actually blinks on occasion. Wait, you mean Dick Jauron’s gone? OK, they just need the pass rusher and the tackle then.
Detroit Lions — Detroit’s offense was hilariously bad last year and their defense was…well, it was hilariously bad, too. What the Lions really need is about nine first draft picks.
Green Bay Packers — Green Bay’s needs are simple, they need a quarterback to take over for Brett Favre when the Betty Ford Center recalls him, they need a wide receiver with some, uh, discernable talent and they need approximately 14 more teeth per season ticket holder.
Minnesota Vikings — Minnesota just needs to actually get their first round draft pick choice turned in on time. They haven’t for TWO YEARS!
NFC East —
Dallas Cowboys — Dallas needs a running back, a real quarterback and a freaking girdle for the lumpiest head coach in NFL history. The sight of Bill Parcells in those polyester ‘coaches shorts’ is enough to ruin your lunch.
New York Giants — The Giants need for Chris Berman to stop moaning “G-MEN!”, they need to stop the folly of giving a good, young quarterback like Eli Manning to Tom Coughlin for ruination, and apparently they needed an ABC game show for their backup quarterback to get laid.
Philadelphia Eages — The Eagles will learn about nine days into training camp that they need a stun gun to make Terrell Owens shut the hell up once and a while. Nobody’s good enough to act like Terrell. I only wish he’d have been stuck in Baltimore so that Ray Lewis could have terrorized him all year.
Washington Redskins — They need to lock Joe Gibbs out of the draft room. He’s already told the guys at spanish-yes.com that he’s hoping the ‘Skins can get an impact talent in the draft and he’s targeting guys like Alonzo Highsmith and Melvin Bratton. Wait, maybe Joe just needs to put away the 1988 Street and Smith’s College Football guide.
NFC South
Atlanta Falcons — Atlanta needs to cover Michael Vick in bubble wrap and lock him away until opening day. Oh, and they need to cut a hole in the wrap around his mouth so he doesn’t smother to death.
Carolina Panthers — The defending NFC Champs (did that really happen?) have some needs because frankly, they’re just not really that good. Chief among those needs is a cornerback to replace Terry Cousin. You’ll all remember that the Patriot’s only strategy on the Super Bowl winning final drive was to throw the ball at the guy Terry was covering…on every play. It worked.
New Orleans Saints — The Saints need a new coach. Can they draft one of those?
Tampa Bay Buccaneers — Did Tampa really win a Super Bowl two years ago? Just how surreal is this damn league? What the Bucs need now is somebody to replace superstar running back Thomas Jones. Yeah, I can’t even type that with a straight face.
NFC West
Arizona Cardinals — The Cardinals have a new coach and are going to get a new stadium in a few years. Until then (and really, after that) they’ll still suck. And they’ll still be named after the state bird of Illinois even though they play in Arizona. If they can’t even get the nickname right, how are they supposed to get the draft right?
St. Louis Rams — Kurt Warner’s gone, and so they have a huge void to fill on this team. They need a player with a wife with a dykey haircut to wear a blue feather boa to the home games…oh, and she needs to threaten to beat up mean sports radio hosts.
San Francisco 49ers — They need a sober head coach. That’d be a nice start.
Seattle Seahawks — Their quarterback’s sister-in-law is the cute, but complete non-entity, co-host of The View. He needs a toupee. He also needs to not throw playoff-game-winning touchdowns…to the other team.
AFC North
Baltimore Ravens — They got an extra draft pick for “almost” successfully trading for Terrell Owens. What they need to do is draft a bail bondsman to take care of their players. Their starting running back is going to jail and he’s not even the worst criminal on the team. They also need to tie their head coach to a goalpost and slap that “I’m a genius” grin off his face.
Cincinnati Bengals — They almost made the playoffs! They benched their Pro Bowl quarterback for Carson Palmer! They do have a good coach, and they managed to remove the malignancy of Corey Dillon. They are almost a real football team now.
Cleveland Browns — The rest of the NFL can rest easy now that Butch Davis is calling all of the personnel shots, because whatever he does will be wrong. Since the recreated the Browns, they haven’t had a running back. Now would be a good time to find one.
Pissburgh Steelers — Bill Cowher’s scowl is still around and so is Tommy Maddox. Excuse while I laugh until milk comes out of my nose.
AFC East
Buffalo Bills — The Williams got a new coach because their old one had a bad perm and a constantly confused expression on his face. What they are in real need of is a lineman big enough to scrape Drew Bledsoe off the turf every time he gets sacked.
Miami Dolphins — We all know what they need, but they won’t admit it. Their head hairlip…er, coach, could take the 1985 Bears and turn them into a 9-7 first round playoff exit. Hee hee. AJ Feeley’s a nice guy, he gives us an excuse to run a Heather Mitts’ photo, but you don’t want him quarterbacking your football team on a full time basis.
New England Patriots — They don’t need a damned thing, but they have about 47 draft picks anyway. Bastards.
New York Jets — The Jets could use a wide receiver or six, and they might want to put a roof on that stadium since their ultra accurate quarterback (with a bad perm) can’t throw the ball more than 15 yards with a breeze in his face.
AFC South
Houston Texans — The Texans have a cool stadium, cool uniforms and their head coach has a Lou Henson hairdo…he does, he just rarely takes his hat off. They also have the Bears on their schedule for the first time ever. They could use a running back too. Because last year James Allen didn’t pan out and well…was anybody surprised?
Indianapolis Colts — They need to put an ATM machine with a $4.00 service charge right next to Peyton Manning’s locker.
Jacksonville Jaguars — The Jags need to get rid of the tree stump in their locker room, since it nearly claimed the leg of their punter (hilarious). They also need to find somebody, anybody, for their defense who could actually beat up their head coach. When the coach is tougher than the players, you’re bad.
Tennessee Titans — Head coach Jeff Fisher needs to grow the mullet back. The Titans were nearly unbeatable when he had his mullet mojo working. Either that, or they need him rock harder than ever this year.
Oh, and a pass rusher to replace Jevon Kearse might be nice.
AFC West
Denver Broncos — Their coach has a lazy eye, their quarterback plays the first three quarters of every game like the object is to get behind so you can almost come back and win it and they need to draft yet another Pro Bowl running back in round five.
Kansas City Chiefs — Their coach cries…constantly. They need hormone replacement therapy for him because menopause can be tough to get through.
Oakland Raiders — They went from the Super Bowl to the second pick in the draft. At least they were smart enough to get Bill Callahan out of town (let’s see how the Husker fans enjoy that dumbass) but they hired Norv Turner? Really? Did that really happen?
San Diego Chargers — They have LaDanian Tomlinson, the first pick in the draft and nothing else. They need to take Eli Manning number one and tell Archie to shut his hillbilly pie hole.
Clip and save.
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The Wizard of Roz says the Sox should hire John McDonough. Hey, if it means Chip Caray’s last supporter (allegedly) leaves, I’m all for it.
Pat Tillman was killed yesterday in Afghanistan.
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The Anti-Christ is a complete dumbass. You already knew that. This chat transcript just continues to prove it.
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Oops! You mean you’re not in the KKK, Mr. Coors?
America’s finest news source with a woman who looks great for 32. Ehhh, maybe.
I’m a pretty good receiver, A-Dog, at least as good as Marty Booker.
If Chrebet stops being afraid of the ground and ridding his hands of the rock so he can break his fall, he’s better than Dave Terrell.
If we needs 6 WRs, the Bears need 7.
OK, so we need seven.
Oh, and Santana and Chrebet are dwarves, so the Jets need seven, too.
Hey everyone go to the google link and type in waffles in the search area and look and what link comes up first.
I don’t know much about what is going to happen tomorrow.
I do know the Bears will find a way to screw it up.
Oh, wait, you already knew that.
I do know the Bears shouldn’t draft Vince Wilfork from Miami. They don’t need another defensive tackle that can’t rush the passer worth a crap.
But that is just me…
I made the mistake this afternoon of putting my radio on the Score, mainly because I wanted to know more about Pat Tillman getting killed.
Some would say that Afghanistan is pretty much like Tempe, only with fewer taco stands, but I digress.
Boers and Bernsie were arguing that Tillman was a selfish dumbass for walking away from a high priced gig and joining the Army, because he wasn’t home for his family. Their notion is, if you HAVE to join the Army, presumably due to a combination of financial need, intellectual deficiency, and/or usefulness in society, then it’s OK to lose your life in a war. If you don’t HAVE to go, then you shouldn’t.
Now, let’s get a few things straight:
1) I think the whole Bush Middle East witchhunt is wrong;
2) I don’t believe that having us mucking things up over there is making me, my family, or democracy any safer;
3) I DID wonder from day one why a man would walk away from an NFL career, as well as a brand new marriage;
4) I think a man’s place OUGHT to be with his family.
But, hell, I have always said that no matter how opposed I am to this war, the men and women who are over there serving are to be praised, supported, prayed for and held up as heroes for their courage and selflessness.
And, for f–k’s sake, on the day the man DIES, you are going to go on the air of a 50,000 watt clear channel station and proclaim that the man was SELFISH?
I used to think those two were funny.
Today, I fervently hope those two are fired, without benefit of any type of negotiation. Pat Tillman is a GD HERO, and those two fat mopes are scab-encrusted pud pullers.
Bores and Bernstain, Jesus H. GodDancing Christ, who the F–K are YOU crappin’?
BC, I’m coming for you buddy, and I’m black, I’m gay, I’m angry and I’m a drunk, and when I find you, I’ll "sac" you alright!
I just want to know one thing. How is he selfish for giving up a multimillion dollar contract and inturn going to fight next to his brother and fight for his country? By the way his brother was with the Cleveland Indians.
or google "miserable failure."
This was on Fark.com yesterday.
All I’m going to say is, I’m very sad about Pat Tillman’s death in the line of duty. In a world of Keyshawn Johnson’s, idiot Warren Sapp’s, and the like, full of their bling bling and a string of knocked-up women from coast to coast, Tillman was a unique man and a genuine patriot. A very sad day.
Darryl? Darryl Kile? Is that you?
I’ll click on the Google ads most of the time … but not on one that says "Women’s Basketball News." Maybe an ad that says "Brittany Jackson Naked" (hint, hint, Google …)
I remember seeing Pat Tillman play with ASU and especially the Cardinals…The man was A TRUE AMERICAN HERO who gave up a million-dollar livelihood and ultimately his life for the freedom of all of us…I don’t know who these two idiots in Chicago who were trashing him are, but it does put some of the sports-talk drivel we get down here in Tucson in perspective…
Oh, and to "Sloth", if you’d rather keep a psychopathic monster in power so he can continue to threaten us, the world, and brutalize his own people, and if you’d rather entrust your national security, at this time to history, to Captain Botox, go right ahead…
And on a final lighter note, I see you guys don’t want Mark Grace in Chicago either. Trust me, listening to his drivel for a whole game (sample, earlier this week about Richie Sexson’s return to Milwaukee: "Anybody who’s booing is a yard ape") will really put Chip Caray in perspective.
The routine of custom tends to deaden even scientific inquiry; it stands in the way of discovery and of the active scientific worker. For discovery and inquiry are synonymous as an occupation. Science is a pursuit, not a coming into possession of the immutable; new theories as points of view are more prized than discoveries that quantitatively increase the store on hand. by online poker