When the Bulls actually played like a team last night and won on the road (gasp!) against Orlando, you could see some of the weight come off Bill Cartwright’s back. For now.

Don’t get too comfy, Mr. Bill. We still know you can’t coach. You proved it in the last two minutes. And really, in the NBA, that’s all that really matters.

Bulls up 99-93 with the ball and Jamal Crawford takes a pass five feet beyond the top of the key. With :12 left on the shot clock, what does the Bulls point guard do? He shoots a three that hits only backboard.

Next trip, still 99-93, Jamal forces one up from the free throw line extended that hits nothing but floor. Ouch.

Crawford had a fine game. He had 29 points, six boards and eight assists. But does the point guard on a well coached team do something that stupid…twice?

The answer is no.

I know it. You know it. John Paxson knows it.

Bill Cartwright seems like a fine man. But the only reason he has an NBA head coaching job is because he’s the only one who would take it when Tim Floyd quit. Granted, that’s something. But it’s not much.

I could go on about how Bill changes the lineup every night and can’t find a rotation that works, and that the only thing Eddy Curry has improved this year is that his shorts haven’t fallen down since opening night, but I’m not going to.

Bill needs to go. So, let’s find a replacement for him.

In yesterday’s Sun-Times, Jay Mariotti put down the doughnut to demand that Doug Collins be brought in to lead the Bulls.

There are a few problems with this, so let’s examine:
– Collins is insane.
– His TNT contract forbids him from leaving this year to take a job with an NBA team. He wanted it that way so he wouldn’t be tempted to jump back in.
– He’s the best analyst in the game, and frankly I’d rather listen to him broadcast than watch his head explode on the bench six times a night.
– Besides, we’ve been down this road before, and there’s no Phil Jackson on the coaching staff to pick up the pieces when Doug implodes.

Who are the other rumored names?

George Karl? Anybody who couldn’t figure out he should keep Ray Allen is off my list.

Mike Fratello? Too short and creepy looking. Besides, he hasn’t won anything since Dominique found shorts that fit. And even then, he never really won anything.

Pat Riley? He’s got a job, and no.

Isiah Thomas? If this ever happened, we’d literally have to go burn down the United Center.

Bill Laimbeer? The WNBA Coach of the Year! He’s a former college teammate of John Paxson! He’s also one of the biggest jagoffs in the history of the world. I guarantee you Paxson doesn’t like him.

Look, the coaching prospects are so thin that Jerry West made the best hire he could last year and it was Hubie Brown. I like Hubie, but that’s not exactly a ringing endorsement for the depth of NBA coaching right now.

Short of defrosting Lenny Wilkens and boring the team and the fans to tears, it’s time to go find some fresh meat.

Let’s look in that Hubie Brown old-coach-who-won-and-knows-the-game-and-has-ties-to-John-Paxson category.

John Bach — Current Bulls assistant, he’s 104 years old and it’s not going to happen.

Tex Winter — Retired, but consulting for the Lakers, he’s 114 years old. Nope.

Red Auerbach is still alive! Nah.

I came up with two names. One I laughed at, uproariously. If you thought the Ozzie Guillen hiring has the potential to be histerically disastrous, just imagine the prospect of Paxson’s former college coach bringing his ego to the table and this team.

I almost need this to happen. Digger still thinks he can coach, and you know he’d take the job. He’d break out the carnations for his lapel and do his little skippy jump thing on the sidelines after close wins. There’s no doubt he’s a good basketball coach, a salesman and one of the best quotes in the history of the world, but can you imagine Eddy, Tyson and the gang trying to get along with Richard “Digger” Phelps?

I think we should make this happen, if only for a month. We’d still be talking about it, ten years from now.

So then I thought of another guy. His ties with Paxson aren’t direct, but their paths have crossed over the years and both have ties to Notre Dame.

I’d actually forgotten about him until NBA-TV did that preseason documentary on the Denver Nuggets, where he’s currently serving as “Associate Head Coach” to the great Jeff Bzdelik. He’s old, sure, but not as old as Hubie (who is?) And the man won 707 games in 18 years in the NBA. In 1987-88 his Mavericks would have won the NBA Title if not for a Mark Aguirre-led meltdown in the seventh game of the conference finals against the Lakers.

I’m actually not kidding. I think John Paxson should hire John MacLeod to coach the Bulls.

A friend of mine played for MacLeod at Notre Dame and loved the guy. We forget that the reason the Irish were so lousy for most of his tenure in South Bend was because they were in that weird limbo between viable Division I independent and Big East member. The Big East had emerged and slowly eroded Notre Dame’s recruiting on the east coast, they were having a hard time finding teams to play because of their lack of a conference affiliation and then when they finally did limp into the Big East they were in for another rebuilding job. And yet, MacLeod was Big East coach of the year in 1996-97, and turned Pat Garrity into a player and Troy Murphy into a Big East rookie of the year.

He won big with the Suns until the cocaine started flowing (for them, not him) and his Mavericks tenure was shortened by Roy Tarpley’s love of Miller Lite and Mark Aguirre…being Mark Aguirre.

Sure, it might be a disaster. But if I had to pick between John MacLeod and Bill Cartwright for anything but a “flailing elbows contest” I’m going with Coach Mac. And I guarantee you, he turns Tyson Chandler into a superstar (though that might be happening anyway).

He can coach. And right now, in the NBA, that’s all you need.

Don’t make me bring up Scott Skiles…

—

Jamal played well and so did Donyell. Hey, it’s progress.

Bill’s messing with the lineup again.

The Bulls might activate Linton Johnson for his “energy.” I just wish his “energy” had a jump shot.

KC Johnson likes Tyson Chandler almost as much as I do.

The Sox still don’t get it. Jose Valentin is not good.

Marty Booker hopes he can be as good as Justin Gage and Bobby Wade. Alright, let’s not get ridiculous…

Jake was all over this yesterday. Shaun Livingston picked Duke over Bruce Weber’s Illini. Boooo!

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to poo poo Carmelo and LeBron.

I’ll bet if the Reds acted quickly they could still trade Dernell Stenson to the White Sox before Kenny figured it out.

Dick Bennett’s red ass is at Washington State. I’d forgotten. Get ready for some unnecessarily boring basketball in the Pac-10.

Trevor Hoffman is taking a pay cut to stay in San Diego (gee, it’s not like they paid him $12 million last year to not pitch), but Lenny Harris is available! Hey, he’s not only a pinch hitting wizard, he’s a World Series Champion! Somebody hide Dusty’s cell phone.

The Yankees are dreaming of having both Andy Pettitte and Alex Rodriguez. Sure. The Rangers are more likely to pull that off.

ESPN is hoping to add David Wells to fill the role of “obnoxious, opinionated moron” left vacant with Bobby Valentine leaving for Japan.

The Mets want to trade Roger Cedeno and the Sox want to trade Billy Koch. Good luck on both fronts.

Holy crap! Why won’t John Franco just go away?

An update guy on the radio yesterday said that the Mariners’ one year contract extension for Edgar Martinez will make him “a Mariner for life.” I had no idea Edgar was terminal.

Carlos Baerga’s agent says lots of teams are interested in Carlos. They’re interested in seeing Carlos play for somebody else.

The NY Daily News with some sick stuff about what happened to Jessica Lynch while she was held captive in Iraq.

Rumors abound that Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz are going to get married. Check out this from the article, “he didn’t have a ring ready. So he improvised and gave her a ring that he’s had since he was a child – a simple gold band engraved with his initials.” He still has a ring from when he was a kid? How little is this guy?

What’s so wrong about a few high school girls flashing their boobs for candy?

A Frenchman was shot by his own dog. Oui!

America’s finest news source with the guy Desipio just hired to be our new office manager.