Unfortunately, I did not get to see the Sammy Sosa corked bat controversy play out live on TV last night. I missed the benefit of three hours of Chip Caray waxing nostalgic about how awful this is for the game of baseball and for Sammy and about how this crime is tantamount to clubbing a baby seal to death in front of a kindergarten field trip to the Shedd Aquarium.
Pardon me if I’m the only one who finds this to not be a big deal.
We’re hearing the same stuff now we heard when Graig Nettles bat exploded and superballs rolled out, and when Billy Hatcher’s did the same, and even when Wilton Guerrero got caught “corking.”
What we’re hearing is that drilling a hole in your bat and filling it with something lighter and less dense, doesn’t work. At least that’s what Yale professor of physics Robert Adair said this morning on WSCR’s morning show. What he said was that drilling a hole in the bat will make it lighter and allow you to get a little more bat speed, maybe one percent, but that filling the cavity with something lighter and less dense than wood will cause about the same decrease in how hard you can hit the ball.
In other words, you can cheat all you want, but it doesn’t make much of an impact. So before you believe the Rick Telanders of the world, who want to discredit Sammy Sosa’s prior accomplishments as the product of illegal bats, let’s stop right here. If you believe Professor Adair, it doesn’t matter if Sammy swung a corked bat in every one of his 7163 previous at bats, his uncorked totals would be identical.
I’m sure there’s something to the idea that if a player thinks he’s given himself an advantage that he actually creates one in his mind. Just like when you were in first grade and you got new tennis shoes and thought you could run faster. You didn’t actually run faster, you just thought you did.
But here’s where proof gets in the way of a convienient “Sammy’s an evil cheater” argument. How many bats has Sammy shattered over the years? How many since he began his Ruthian run at the record books in 1998? They all proved to be corkless.
People like Bobby Valentine and Peter Gammons are pretending to be concerned for Sammy’s image. But reality is that Sammy already passed the test. He walked into an interview room full of reporters and apologized. In these times, any celebrity who apologizes gets a free pass. We can’t help ourselves. Sammy apologized to his teammates the fans and the organization. He said it was his bat. He didn’t send Jason Grimsley crawling through the duct work at Comiskey Park to steal the bat back (a la Albert Belle), he didn’t tell everybody it was Tom Goodwin’s bat, and he didn’t say he had no idea he owned a bat with cork in it.
It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who keeps apologizing.
The truly disappointing thing is that he’ll be suspended now, and after already playing 17 full games (and most of last night) without him, the fragile Cubbie offense here in 2003 can’t stand another seven to ten Sammyless days. It’s going to catch up to them.
Longtime friend of Desipio, and the most talented writer not currently writing, Kelly Dwyer (though we’re putting him to work with Jake and myself and who knows who else at the NBA Draft on June 26 — [plug, plug]) left this for me in my inbox this morning.
Ok, and remember, death is not an option.
Edmonds the evil one, or Sammy and his illegal ways?
Obviously, I’ll take Jim. He’s a lefty.
I could give a f@#$ about the cork. Actually, the Cards have won enough over the last 129 years, I could give a f@#$ if your badass pitching staff ran away with the Central title.
It’s that got-damn “goatee” that bugs me. That’s not a goatee. That’s a mess.
And even if it looked great, it’s wrong. Damn, Sammy, it’s 2003, not 1995. You could grow a Fu Manchu like Rd.-Beck (can’t remember his nickname) or go back to the Jheri-curl (yeah, that’s spelled correctly).
Either one would be hipper than a bad Jon Stewart “goatee.”
He’s a Cardinals fan (of all things), so go find a big grain of salt. But he’s also obsessed with this Steely Dan link, and he’s very excited that it’s working now.
Lost in the Sosa hubub (and yes, it was definitely hubub) is that the Cubs actually won the game. In fact, they won it on the fleet feet of Sosa’s replacement, Troy O’Leary. OK, maybe not “fleet.”
And the White Sox went to Arizona to take on the D’Backs who are so injury depleted in their pitching staff (and really, when you put your whole pitching staff on the DL, why do you trade a healthy pitcher for the superfluous Shea Hillenbrand?) that they’ve got Mike Morgan on speed dial again. Oh, and the Sox lost. Surprise.
It’s funny, we’ll get to the Wizard of Roz’s column in the links, but today he suggests that given the White Sox proclivity to fire managers on big news days to avoid the attention (usually a big Bulls playoff game, or in 1998 the day of the Cubs-Giants playoff) of the news media, that Jerry Manuel will get the axe just before the Roger Clemens-Kerry Wood game on Saturday. It’s funny because last night after I heard the news about Sosa, I immediately thought, “Well, Reinsdorf can fire Manuel tonight.” Great minds…
The MLB draft was yesterday and the Cubs and Sox both drafted a bunch of guys that nobody knows anything about, and the guys on the cubstalk.com message board will go nutty over them for the next three weeks.
All I know about the draft is that Dmitri Young confirmed that he is not his brother’s father and that the Brewers continued two inauspicious traditions.
1. They drafted a talented infielder named Richie Weeks who is compared to Gary Sheffield. That’s good, right? Maybe not if you’re Milwaukee. Sheff was a Brewer draftee and admitted to intentionally making errors so that the Brewers would trade him. Nice.
2. They drafted, for the second straight season, a son of a famous, fat, ex-Major Leaguer. Anthony Gwynn now joins Prince Fielder in the organization.
You’ve got believe in something. As the great man said, I believe I’ll have another drink.
Rick Morrissey pokes his finger in Sammy’s eye, and ends with the emotional tale about how he left a message on his 10-year-old son’s voice mail. Hey, get your father of the year ballots right here!
Mike Downey says Sammy’s a cheat. Yeah, what’s your point?
Phil Rogers says Sammy doesn’t need to cheat. No, he needs a physics class.
Tim McClelland knows funky bats when he sees them.
Cubs fans are upset. At least that’s what they were telling whoever is on the other end of those damn cellphones.
Juan Cruz is mad he got sent to Iowa. I don’t blame him. I’ve been there. I’m not going back.
Apparently the Sox dance better than they play.
Brian Urlacher is about to become a Bear for life. How can you not like that?
Greg Couch on the rise of the ABA. Hey, it only took 30 years.
Jim Stack and his gigantic wife might be returning to the Bulls.
Rick Telander was on that gawdawful ESPN “Outside the Lines Nightly” show last night. His column is about as coherent as he was then. Remember when Rick was good? Sigh.
Mike Kiley compares the Sosa incident to the Kennedy Assassination. At least somebody has it in perspective.
The Wizard of Roz says Jim Lefebvre could be the Sox man. I love this, because Lebebvre will commit carnage on the Sox. He’s a world-class moron.
Jayson Stark says that wherever he goes people walk up to Graig Nettles and say “superballs.” That happens to me, too. Of course it mainly happens to me when I run into old girlfriends.
If two bald coaching candidates sit next to each other, do they make an ass of themselves?
Talentless Chad Ford writes a tepid piece on Tim Grover.
David Aldridge breaks down the NBA Finals. On ESPN Radio Whit Watson opined that the Finals will be interesting because the Nets have never been and the Spurs haven’t been in a few years. Apparently Whit missed last year’s finals, huh? I could have sworn that was the Nets.
Tom Verducci on the Expos’ road trip from hell.
There was an AFI special on last night? Would it have killed them to have advertised it? I love those things. Morons!
Tom Cruise wants to play a killer. A guy who kills gay male prostitutes who try and out famous stars in the tabloids. Oh, wait…
Hillary says she cried and got mad when she found out her husband, the president had inserted his penis into the mouth of a 21year old intern in his office. Wow, what a revelation!
Drudge dips into the archives.
Here’s a tip for you high school boys that I wish I had gotten back in the day. The girls who look depressed are the easy ones. Go for it.
A Florida meter reader had an ear and her scalp bitten off (ewww) by four pit bulls. About once a month, I have the urge to sick Dave the attack cat on the Nicor jackass.
America’s finest news source with an Infographic on Bob Hope’s 100th birthday.
Batting practice?
We’re talking about batting practice?
Not even the games?
Batting practice?
Cardinal fans are morons.
Kelly Dwyer is a Cardinal fan.
Therefore, Kelly Dwyer is a moron.
Remember, death is not an option:
Cork in Sammy’s bat or andro/steroids in Mark McGwire?
Remember when life was good, when people could walk the streets at night and leave their houses unlocked? Sigh. I am so fat, well-fed and complacent that all I have to do is show up to work, churn out romanticized, lame, sentimental pap and go home and devour a Krispy Kremes. Bob Greene is my idol. He did it for 20 years; I’ve done it for less than 10.
You got problems with Sammy? I believed Bill when he said "I didn’t have sex with that woman."
I can’t believe I had yesterday off. Did anything happen? You can bet I’m at home loading up my pants with enough vitriol to fill the upper deck at US Cellular Field.
Waive Sammy.
Fire Manuel.
Free Brian Urlacher.
How about Sammy to Florida for Juan Encarnacion? If Juan gets caught corking his bats he’s a mute, so at least we won’t have to sit through that ridiculous press conference again.
How sad was it that when my lesbian love Sharon Panozzo started the presser by letting "Jay" ask the question, that it wasn’t me! Damn, it was that smarmy Jay Levine.
By the way, we’re all still waiting for Rick Telander to get to the point in whatever question he’s still trying to ask Dusty.
Hey Jay, aren’t you the one who just said that nothing historic ever happens at Wrigley Field?
Hey Jay, aren’t you the one who just said that nothing historic ever happens at Wrigley Field?
Heh. Anyone should be able to see that I’m behind the entire thing. I got one of my Yankee sleeper agents (Sweet Lou, NOT Uncle Lou, Chip you dumbass) in close enough to slip Sosa the corked bat and get him suspended just in time for the Yankees series, and get Roger his 300th win! I’ll make sure that Bud gets the punishment handed down today and the appeal heard by Friday morning! I’m pure evil! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Is that a picture of Kelly "Corky" Dwyer on the home page?
That’s Corky Dwyer on the right.
Honesty compels me to say that what Sammy Sosa did last night has caused me to contemplate leaving baseball altogether. As humans, what do we really have other than our integrity. If you strip us down to our naked fiber what are we but tall guys with lovehandles and two inch penises?
I thought that in baseball I had found that one true thing. But now, I’m mortified to learn that our Gladiator uses a corked sword. Folks, I think we all know where this will eventually lead…
I’m announcing my resignation from the Chicago Cubs, Fox Sports Net Chicago and WGN Sports, effective midnight, June 5…2074!
Hah! You can’t get rid of me that fast. Now that Sammy’s proven to be a shister, I’m going to whine and bitch and moan about it for months! You’ll think my obsession with Craig Biggio is a schoolyard crush compared to the havoc I’ll wreak on the broadcasts now!
So let me get this straight? Sammy puts on 25 pounds over the course of his career, and that’s reason for suspicion, eh Ricky? How long has that career been now, let’s see… FIFTEEN YEARS! FIFTEEN FREAKING YEARS! HE’S PUT ON 25 POUNDS OVER FIFTEEN YEARS!!! I’ve never seen or heard of a man putting on 25 pounds between the age of 20 and 35 – that’s INSANE, Rick! That’s not at all completely normal and par for the course. By jove, you’ve got it! Good detective work.
Moron…
Who are the other two ass-clowns with Corky?
Top 10 Sammy Sosa excuses…
10. Damn those guys at Louisville Slugger!
9. I borrowed the bat from Ernie Banks, what are you gonna do, punish Mr. Cub, Mr. Let’s Play 2? You ain’t got the guts, Bud Selig!
8. I pulverized the bat with such force with my mighty wrists that it just looks like cork.
7. I thought the rule was you couldn’t put forks in your bat.
6. I accidentally tried to hit with one of Ron Santo’s new legs.
5. The guy that planted OJ’s glove at Nicole’s house did it.
4. It’s Moises Alou’s bat.
3. If it’s wine cork, it must be another diabolical scheme by the French; I mean, they’re bad guys – am I right, people? USA! USA!
2. No habla englais.
1. So it was OK for Mark McGuire to use steroids, but this is illegal?
I believe that’s Brandon Funston (left) and a reject from the cast of Dawson’s Creek (middle).
They’re not Andy and Jake, if that’s what you’re thinking.
I disagreed with Andy this morning when he said it was no big deal. It says a lot about Sosa when he’d put his team at risk like that.
But then I went to lunch, and they had the 2-hour ESPN special on Sammy Sosa. There are only so many things Harold Reynolds and Bobby Valentine can say about cork. They even had some memorabilia dealer saw open the bat Sosa supposedly used to hit No. 498.
TWO HOURS ON CORK? Sorry. ESPN has jumped the shark.
I know everyone has been waiting breathlessly for me to weigh in … wait no longer! Here it is, the moment you’ve all been waiting for!
I have become the lead investigator in the Sammy Sosa bat caper. Who else did ESPN go to to find out how many other of Sammy’s bats were corked?
My arms are corked.
Suicide is not abominable because God prohibits it; God prohibits it because it is abominable. by free online poker