I can’t help but read this story, which theorizes that Carlos has a case of carpal tunnel without getting this picture in my head.
He has a “couple dozen” computers in his Venezuelan home, for his family? How many people live in that house? I’ve been to public libraries that don’t have a couple dozen computers in them.
And he spending “four or five hours a night” instant messaging his brother? What do those look like?
carloszno1bro: Good game, ‘Los. You keeled dem Phillies!
ElToro38: Dusty want to take me out after the ocho, but I tell him if he do that, I keel him! Then I smash the Gatorade bucket on Gene Clines’ head to show Dusty I mean business.
carloszno1bro: You keep pitch like dees, you get lots of money!
ElToro38: First you get the money, then you get the power, then you get the women!
OK, probably not like that.
I don’t understand why the Cubs’ baserunners can’t just look at their base coaches. Unless Juan Uribe deeked out Chris Speier, too, it wouldn’t have worked yesterday when he did it to Derrek Lee, if Lee had just found his coach. I know the Cubs didn’t trust Wavin’ Wendell last year, but Speier hasn’t done anything to lose their trust so far this year. (Well, except for that weekend with Wily Taveras in Houston). But what I really don’t get is why Paul Konerko would be mad at Juan for tricking Derrek. So it’s OK for AJ Eyechart to pretend he got hit when he didn’t, but it’s not OK for Juan to pretend a ball is foul? Sounds more like Paul doesn’t Juan than it does Paul thinking what Juan did was wrong.
See, here’s Chris waving in Jason Dubois and Jason seems to be pretty confident he’ll make it without a throw.
The Franchise decided that the losing stopped yesterday. How about the stat that he’s now 11-0 with an ERA of just over 1.70 when he starts after the Cubs have lost two or more games in a row. Now, that’s getting it done.
Teddy G on the differences between the Cubs and Sox announcers. Hey, it’s pretty simple. John Rooney weighs 400 pounds and Pat Hughes doesn’t. Ron Santo enjoys the company of women and Ed Farmer…uh…yeah….hmmm.
Phil Rogers has no idea how the Cubs can beat Roger Clemens on Tuesday without Nomar in the lineup. Uh…hey, Phil, click here, you douche.
Groucho thinks the Mavs could trade Dirk Nowitzki for Kevin Garnett. Uh, why?
It’s a big week for Eddy Curry’s heart and Scott Skiles’ bank account.
Mariotti puts down the doughnut for this tepid effort where he says Mark Prior’s pitch count didn’t matter. Sounds like Jay is trying to set the Cubs up.
Really impressive the way Paul Edinger fought for his job wasn’t it? Pansy.
Moron carpal tunnel, and The Meat Tray will take on the Rocket on Tuesday. You’re going down, Clemens!
The Wizard claims the Cubs can count on Prior, and has apparently handed the AL Central to the Sox. The Twins might have something to say about that, eventually.
Some interesting stuff in Gammons this week. I like how he puts it that Carlos will not be allowed to take as much batting practice as he likes to because of his sore elbow. Did you know that over the last three years no pitcher has as many hits as Carlos? And check out his Billy Beane planted bit of info about how under “normal circumstances” Octavio Dotel wouldn’t have been put on the DL. Whatever.
Kelly Dwyer says there’s lots of drama surrounding the Eastern Conference Finals.
The next time I see Hal McCoy, I’m going to hug him. If only for this.
Q  Do you think the Reds could convince Joe Morgan to take over as manager? How great would that be?  Kevin, Boston
A  Not so great. Morgan was a great player and knows the game inside and out. Unfortunately, there seems to be only one way to do things in his mind and he certainly isn’t afraid to tell everybody as an ESPN analyst. I fear he would talk his team to death. He also makes more money at ESPN than he would make with the Reds and he has said he doesn’t want to manage. He does all his managing in front of a microphone.
America’s finest news source with an interesting gentleman.
A couple of observations about this weekend’s series:
1) Uribe will get drilled in the ribs during one of the games in The Cell in June. Prior would’ve done it yesterday, but the way this umpiring crew overreacted to the HBPs the previous two days, he might have been ejected without warning. Faking that a ball is hit on the ground when it’s popped up is one thing, actually verbally communicating that a ball is foul and doing everything but tackling the guy is another. It was a bush play, but Lee was equally as dumb for falling for it.
2) For all the bitching Ozzie does about Wrigley Field, he sure spends a lot of time rubber-necking up in the stands during the game.
3) I’ve watched bits and pieces of White Sox games this season, but after watching all of the three games this weekend, it is official: A.J. Pierzynski is a dick. He just looks like a guy you’d like to pound in the face. I have to believe that all of the stories about him are pretty accurate, though the one about him punching his trainer in the nuts is the most bizarre.
4) All of a sudden Kenny Williams is a hard-ass know-it-all. It’s one thing to not let Vince Coleman to sit in the Cubs’ dugout, but to make a big deal about it the next day around the batting cage is ridiculous. Hell, he probably yelled at Vince to look out for a tarp. Vince should’ve reminded Kenny that he was late for his kids’ appointment with their probation officer.
Dave,
I’ve yelled at Vince Coleman to look out for the tarp. Of course, he responded by warning me to watch out for firecrackers. Next thing I knew, I lost my hearing in my left ear and three fingers.
I was praying that Pierzynski would charge the mound. Zambrano’s ejection and suspension would almost have been worth seeing him destroy that prick.
I am a well known talker and pussy, I ain’t charging no one. A funny aside, a couple years ago with the Twins, Rooney, Farmer, and Harrelson all day ,during the same game, ripped me for my demeanor and elbow pad. The radio boys were saying, “yeah, you are real tough with that elbow pad” etc..Now, just like Garland, the best fans in Chicago say they liked me all along.
Yes, this call is for Mr. Ken Williams. Mr. Williams, your ghetto ass kids have been arrested again. This time, they at least almost got the car started before the sheriff arrived. You say you traded for Todd Ritchie? No wonder your kids are so dumb.
First off, I had no idea that three of TJ’s fingers had hearing.
Secondly, I made Vince Coleman firecracker jokes all weekend, then do the Dose and forget to use any of them.
Woof.
I’m saturated. Hang me up now and there may be a dry spot in time for the June series.
I wouldn’t say I “dove headlong” for Konerko’s hit. More like I lunged for a ball that was still 3 ft off the ground. That is a play that I have to make.
Like i said in the postgame, I make that play 10 out of 10 times. Uh, sort of….
I thought Wuertz did a pretty good job on Saturday. 3 hits, two of which were infield hits (???) and the other was a soft, sinking line drive that Corey would have caught had he left his glove open long enough. That’s not exactly a Hawkins-type outing, is it? Yeah, it sucks that the Sox scored two runs off him (four including Ohman’s arson job), but you can’t point to anything Wuertz did that was particularly bad. Ohman, on the other hand, looked awful.
When will we learn we don’t have to throw a strike on an 0-2 count?
Even Hal McCoy can see that I’d be a great manager!
Get it, Hal’s legally blind! This is good stuff.
Andy, you ignorant slut.
First, you can get mad a Korey for booting the ball as the mistake he made was closing the glove before the ball got there.
But the REAL point is, if you are going to be a minus on offense, you need to make it up by being plus on defense. We love Hank White because he throws out baserunners like soiled diapers and he makes Z and Prior pitch like Juan Marichal and Jim Palmer. So what if he can’t hit. Look what else he does.
If Korey ain’t gonna hit, he better play center like Torii Hunter. If he only plays like Brady Clark, then he’s not worth starting.
Hey Mike Wuertz, I think what you had is the very definition of a LaTroy outing.
Good point, Cubs staff. You also might want to ask Larry Rothschild and Dusty Baker that one.
Not a LaTroy outing. There were no 0-2 meatballs hit onto Waveland. He didn’t hit any baserunners in the helmet.
Corey does play good defense. Hey, even Hank couldn’t catch the Ambiguously Gay Podsednidkddd on every attempt.
And before you rip Hank for not being able to hit, you need to remember he’s 2 for his last 6 now with a homer and a double. He’s red hot. Or something.
(Backs out of room quietly.)
Yes, between those two and former pitching coach/bench coach, Richard Pole, you’d think that maybe they’d get that point across
And I’m a Venezuelan rock star!
I am self-aware enough to admit, I’m a great athlete and a poor baseball player
Corey, time for a rally baby!
“Corey does play good defense.”
Not good enough to make up .297 OBP.
.297? That doesn’t even seem possible.
Mmmm, rally Fisch…….
I’m hoping to get Todd up to .200 before he leaves for Chicago!
I can take care of that Rally Fish smell….
If just shut up and read my quotes, you’d know no other outfielder would have even come close to getting a glove on that sinking liner. And I’d know, I’ve played with some of the greats when it comes to covering ground in the OF.
He’s clearly talking about me, buddy.
Other outfielders may have gotten the inside of their glove on it, I prefer the outside of my glove
MLB Extra Innings only gave us out-of-towners the option of Comcast on Sunday, and I think you all know what that means: DJ, Hawkeye and Moose Skowron (?!).
Webster’s Dictionary does not contain the word needed to convey the amount of displeasure I had listening to these three.
Whatever the complete and exact opposite of three wise men is, that’s what we had in the booth.
No, Hell will not contain the bleatings of Hawk, DJ and Moose.
I can’t stand them myself.
Dave B. I liked your inferences on this weekend’s series. They were quite amusing.
Props to Mark Prior to have the balls for going the whole way yesterday. That bullpen should be ashamed of themselves. That the starters have to pitch all nine innings just so they get a decision is really pathetic.
I’m surprised that the starters don’t go out on the town and get into a bar room brawl with these human wastes in the pen and beat the piss out of them. How worthless can you be?
But one positive note, I was glad to see Sweaty Joe throwing up darts and watching his neck snap back looking at the ball going to the warning track. He really throws the best warning track shot out of any reliever.
One guy I am sick to death of watching on this team is Korey Patterson. He is such an irritating little shit. He’s the saddest example of a touted hitter I’ve ever seen. Yes, he does make a nice catch every once in awhile, but he has a terrible baseball IQ. He has no idea how to run the bases if he gets on. He definitely has a notorious upper cut for a swing. This guy will never be good as a Cub. Management needs to bite the bullet on this kid. Please end our misery. CHUCK, GIVE ME AN AMEN TO THAT!
Baker Basher
umm, the astros are really, really bad. i’ll think they’ll be just what you guys need. something you guys should watch for….gold gloves for Teixeira and Hank. We all know they can rake, but the Rangers infield D is rock solid, except for that second base guy.
I did have a very LaTroy inning…how mant times has Hawkins given up a tying/winning run in the closer’s role on line drives that could’ve been caught? The throwing the ball away thing was the exception, not the rule.
No love for me in the Dose? I don’t think I directly cost the Cubs any games this weekend, isn’t that progress??
re: Colorado, Houston –
Don’t count yer wins b4 they’ve hatched. We’re not good enough to bank 6-7 wins against the Florida State League.
Andy, on your new banner, you have a picture of the Cubs (why Patterson? he’s a wanker), the Bulls, the Bears, the Moran Guy, and….the Bad News Bears? Huh?
The Hawks were once a proud franchise worthy of our respect and love. How about a picture of Stan the Man or Bobby, or even Roenick or Chelios as far as that goes.
I could ask for that big left-foot kicking German dude on the Sting in the 70s, but that would be mighty gay.
Good afternoon, folks!
Honesty compels me to say that boy oh boy, the Brav-o’s lost a heartbraker yesterday against the Bosox. this baseball season is getting interesting, folks.
Even if they were playing, there’s no current Hawk who can surpass Timmy Lupus.
Baker Basher,
The word is “Testicular Virility.”
Thank you for your support.
Regards,
Gov. Rod “Mell Basher” Blagojevich
OK, time for a rally tonight for Glendon!
Rally Carp time!
Oh, if you want to ride the bus in from Iowa and catch the Rockies with the Rally Carp Saturday, please e-mail me at jcarper@iowacubs.com
In the last 88 anos, solamente four Chicago teams ganaron campeonatos. Los Bulls, Los Hawks, Da Bears y su Chicago Sting.
We remember the day very well: October 3, 1984 when we beat el Toronto Blizzard. There may have been algo cosa happening that day in los deportes de Chicago, but damned if we can remember what it was.
Der Sting nicht sprechen Spanisch, aber wir sprecht Deutsch.
Or something.
I am what the Sting & the Blackhawks have in common
Derek Lee will be attending me all week long.
Who’s Derek Lee?
Big trade coming in the next few days! This isn’t like the time Dave Kaplan reported a trade after reading speculation on Desipio, either. I probably got MY scoop from somewhere entirely reliable…like the cubs.com message board, or something.
Seriously, guys, if you can’t beat me tonight, you may as well break up the band right now.
I mean, my name is Wandy.
It’s not Randy, it’s not Wendy, it’s Wandy.
Really.
Andy,
–Way too easy on Patterson. He blew the game. First of all, if he decided that risking embarassment was more important than looking cool (something he’s neevr quite learnred to do), he never would have THOUGHT of diving in the first place. Diving should be a natural reaction that occurs at the last possible moment.
Watch the replay. It was as if he started to dive, realized he didn’t need to be a hot dog and just run through the ball and either make a basket catch or a backhanded-at-his knees catch. Either way it would have been a helluva catch, especially under he circumstances. Instead, when he realized he could catch the ball on his own two friggin’ healthy feet, it was too late as his body was already falling forward. By then, he was going down as Fat Paul’s Texas Leaguer was coming right at his pea-brain-sized head. He put his glove up and did something that–outside of my 9-year old nephews’ little league team– I’ve never seen anybody else ever do besides Fred McGriff–and that is, try catching a baseball with a CLOSED GLOVE.
It is important to note that the ball didn’t merely “glance off his glove” like most reporters claim. It ricocheted–BECAUSE IT WAS CLOSED–for enough for the runner on first (who was off with the 3-2 pitch) to score.
And then his defiant defense afterwards just proved what a punkass no-taking-the-heat pussy he really is, as he had the nerve to claim that no other outfielder would have “busted his butt” to get to the ball. “They would have let it drop it in” , he said. CP, of course, not grasping the irony that letting it “drop in” would merely have tied the game; whereas, letting it bounce 30 feet off your CLOSED glove would result in your team actually LOSING THE GAME.
I expect Baker to come up with that type of defense–and justifiably so. But it is deplorable to see a ballplayer use that “well nobody ELSE would have caught it” defense in his OWN defense. With an attitude like that, don’t expect this numbnuts to get better anytime soon.
Fuck you, Chuck? No. Fuck you Korey.
It’s cool that Mike D can see directly into my psyche and know how I think I’m “too cool” to dive.
Corey,
It’s been as transparent as your mom’s nightgown since you came into the league, kid.
Rarely has anyone caught a flyball with me.
Try smoking me and catching a ball.
I think I am what Corey’s “too cool” to do, not diving.
Leave me and my nightgown alone, you brute.
I try to tell Corey not to leave his feet unless its necessary and to open his glove. Until he learns, I won’t leave my feet for him or open anything. And until he starts taking pitches, I won’t be taking….
I’m the newest Iowa Cubs intern you’re supposed to know. Boo. Hopefully they’ll go back to the almost underage chicks after this one.
Where are the nekkid pictures of the carp?
That one looks like a gasper.
That’s pronounced Wan-dee Rod-ree-gweez.
How’d you like me, Joe, Ryan and LaTroy all sitting in your bullpen?
I can be yours for the low, low, price of a class A prospect, or you can wait 10 days and get me for zilch.
http://cincinnati.reds.mlb.com/NASApp/mlb/news/press_releases/press_release.jsp?ymd=20050523&content_id=1059906&vkey=pr_cin&fext=.jsp&c_id=cin
Get you for zilch, value is zilch.
Seems fair.
Don’t get me mad, Chuck. I totally flipped off a guy who heckled me off yesterday! I’m a dangerous man.
I look like a serial killer.
See, what most of you forgot is that the Rally Carp has a slight deformity, that of the short leg.
I think the best thing would be to do my thang with the Rally Carp, then watch her wipe off, scoop up and limp away. Limping love partners are the BEST!
How many runs am I good for today?
Re: Sloth
“dog that barks doesn’t bite”
Hey Andy, when is the “Know Your Desipio Interns” starting?
Apparently, I’m the genius in the Iowa Cubs Stadium Operations Department that comes up with all the interns’ nicknames.
I gave you the Carp! I expect residuals on your rally carp shirts.
Enough with the ugly rally Carp pictures, it was funny the first time, now…not so funny.
I will look great tomorrow in those hideous cub blue unis
morpheus,
Right after our interns stop looking like this…
Woo hoo! Joke Police has banned the Rally Carp! So it’s now up to me, the Rally, uhm, Muskie!
Hey, wait! I thought the consensus here was that I was kinda cute?
And joke police, I don’t know who made you king, but I ain’t going anywhere!
Rally Carp time!
is Carrie Muskat a dude, or not?
I’m still funny, I’m just overused. Seriously, ask David Kelton, he of the tight pants.
Hey, I’m getting royalties every time the word “Carp” is used in conjunction with Carper’s photo.
Overuse away!
How’s the visibility?
I prefer the Rally Ass.
http://www.iowacubs.com/aspx/news.aspx?id=1974
I’m a big fan of Mark Mulder’s brother Mike. Or is it Fox? I forget.
Ew, I’m overused by David Kelton?? As if! I’m way more of a Sergio Mitre fan — such a hottie!!!!
Damn! I tried hard to get sent down last year, but Dusty and Hendry wouldn’t have any of it.
Oh, how I wanted to sample some Carp.
Jessica,
You better take your hands off the Meat Tray. He’s all mine.
Ladies, I will happily bang both of you.
Rally Ass? That’s what Paulie calls me!
Let the training camp battle for punt returner begin. Berrian, Vasher, Wade, or Leon Johnson.
Andy,
Point taken. That’s one crazy aunt! Kind of makes you wonder… shouldn’t the HR team at Desipio discriminate a little more when hiring?
Thanks, Carp! I owe you one.
Thanks to Rally Carp, I had 3 hits today!
I think the Carp is cute. Will she pose in a two-piece for us? We need to see the goods.