I think I got more news from the commercials during ABC’s sports coverage this weekend than I did on the actual news itself. But sure enough, those commercials were chock full o’ good stuff.
In those commercials we learned:
a) Celebrity Mole is back. I am ashamed to say I’m looking forward to it. The awkward humor of both Corbin Bernsen and that Baldwin brother made the first one very watchable.
b) I’m still disappointed that Kelly Jo’s not the bachelorette.
c) Pete Rose has a sit down “exclusive” interview with Charles Gibson (not Charles Gipson, last seen getting picked off in Wrigley to end the Cubs-Yankees series) in which the “Hit King” admits he bet on baseball.
I’ve got news for you, that’s a good scoop, but not as good as the “exclusive” we got from Pete.
Hello again, gang, it’s your old friend Karry Ling here with the “Hit King” himself, Peter Edward Rose. Pete, you have a new book coming out on Thursday and it promises revelations more explosive that the diahrrea you can contract at Chipotle!
Pete, glad to have you here. I read your book and it’s very exciting stuff. I loved it. Especially the part where the Danish bellman has sex with Madame Margeaux in the outhouse. That was steamy and very hot. You have a talent my friend.
Pete Rose: Uh, Karry. That’s not in MY book.
Karry Ling: Naw, this is your book, right. The one with Fabio on the cover. “My Prison of Passion–Now with even more graphic butt sex!”
Pete Rose: Nope. Mine is called “My Prison Without Bars” it’s my autobiography.
Karry: Oh, well that explains why there was very little baseball and an awful lot of sheep sodomy in this one. You should read this though, it’s not half bad. Anyway…since I have you here, and you’ve promised to be honest, forthright, forthcoming and other good stuff, I want you to answer my question. I’m going to look you in the eye and ask you what everyone wants to know.
Pete Rose: Karry, you’ve been my friend a long time. I will tell you what you need to know.
Karry: Good. Here it is. In your career as a ballplayer and now by selling your memorabilia, you have made millions of dollars. American wants to know, that while we’re sure you’ve pissed away most of that cash on gambling and hookers and white jogging suits…why can’t you get a decent $10 haircut?
Pete: That’s a good question. (Begins to tear up) I have no control (sobs) over (weeps uncontrollably) my hair. We’re in therapy now trying to work it out (gasps with horror) but my hair has a mind of its own!
—
Powerful stuff. Thanks, Karry.
So college football managed to screw up another season by not being able to pick a champion. Ah, you have to love how quaint (inbred), traditional (backwards) and quirky (moronic) college football is. But as we all know, if you’ve got two champions, you don’t have any.
I enjoyed the windsock that was Lee Corso this week. On New Year’s Day he said without a doubt that USC was the best team in the country. Then, last night, he said that LSU was. He’s been hanging around Dick Vitale too much.
Here’s what I know. USC beat a Michigan team that couldn’t have been more overrated if it had subtitles. LSU beat an Oklahoma team that was led by the worst Heisman Trophy winner ever. Somewhere, Gino Torretta watched Jason White play and was finally able to laugh. I have never seen a more inept quarterbacking performance in a big game. I know he’s got a bad knee and halfway through the game he got turf toe, but White was terrible. I thought Kordell Stewart had gone back to the Big 12 to haunt them again.
I think we should just mail the championship trophy to the team who really deserves it.
St. John’s of Minnesota.
Saturday’s Titans-Ravens game was great for a number of reasons. Ray Lewis is impossible to take your eyes off of. I have never seen a player play with that kind of intensity and reckless abandon, ever. He has to be what it was like to see Dick Butkus in his prime. But I loved it when Eddie George went after him on the sidelines. Eddie stood up to him and fired up his teammates in the process. That was just a great game.
The night game between Dallas and Carolina was just miserable. Those are two bad football teams…and the Cowboys were easily worse than Carolina. I hope Quincy Carter enjoyed his time at QB, because I can’t see Bill Parcells going to war with him next year.
Green Bay won which made me violently ill. The worst defensive back in the NFL (even RW McQuarters is better than Al Harris) returned a pick for a touchdown in overtime. Fox got a nice shot of Mike Holmgren on the sidelines with his hands on his knees, doubled over like somebody had just kicked him in the crotch.
A lot is being made of Matt Hasselbeck saying “we want the ball, and we’re going to score” into the field mic after Seattle won the coin toss in OT. What he should have said was “we want the ball and I’m going to throw a TD pass” because he did.
Over the long holiday week, I got a chance to catch Matt’s sister-in-law, Elisabeth (Filarski) Hasselbeck on The View, and she’s pretty…but she’s dumber than a box of hair.
When Starr Jones makes more sense than you do, it’s time to take stock in your life.
—
Are you like me? Do you get goosebumps everytime you see the commercial for the Disney movie “Miracle” about the 1980 Olympic hockey team? I don’t even like hockey and I can’t wait to see that movie. My favorite story about that team was that in the locker room before the semi-final game against the Russians, Herb Brooks came in to give one of his patented Knute Rockne speeches, but instead of going into a long one about the Russians, he said simply, “You were born to play hockey. You were meant to be here. This is your time.” And he walked out. Talk about knowing what to say and when to say it.
In the trailer (by the way, it’s much goose bumpier with Aerosmith’s “Dream On” than it is in the TV commercials with “We Will Rock You”) you can hear Kurt Russell say “This is your time!”
That’s right up there with the two best Lou Holtz pregame one-liners during his time with Notre Dame. Before a Michigan game he said, “Now let’s go out there and prove to the world that we’re better than them. And guys…try not to laugh at their helmets.”
Before a Miami game, “It’s time to go out there and show them we’re back. And fellas…save Jimmy Johnson’s ass for me!”
—
Finally (mock applause fills the Internet), among the many excellent Christmas presents that I got, one of them was the Tribune book “Out of the Blue” about the 2003 Cubs. It has some tremendous pictures in it and it’s a keeper, even if it does lack the passion and wit of “Oops, They Did It Again“.
In the Trib book, Dusty Baker writes the introduction and he says that he understands the disappointment of the fans for getting so close to the World Series and falling short, but he promises that 2003 was just the start.
As you know, I for one, believe him. Look back at the roster he had to start the 2003 season with and then look at the one he’s got right now. There is no match for it in the National League. Or the other league for that matter.
Dusty’s Cubs aren’t like any we’ve ever seen. They fight you to the death. They play hard. They pitch their asses off. They infuriate other teams and beat them anyway. From the Farns bodyslamming Paul Wilson in Cincinnati to Carlos Zambrano proclaiming the death of the Cardinals to Kerry Wood getting mad and nailing guys to Mark Prior giving Barry Bonds the “come and get it” sign, these Cubs are worth the investment of our time, our love and our passion.
As a result, Desipio is proclaiming 2004 to be “The Year of the Cub”. This is the one we’ve been waiting for for 96 years. This is the year that it all comes together. It’s going to be a 12 month, sustained Cubs orgasm. Thanks to leap year it’s 366 days long. So hop to it, start enjoying it. It’s the one we’ve dreamed of.
This is the year Cardinals and White Sox fans have been dreading. Oh, it’s going to be fun.
—
I’m behind the reader mail, but here are three good ones.
Doug Selky sent this in about Dusty admitting that getting over the game six collapse wasn’t easy.
Robert Roos found a Cardinals fan who really likes cats. Even after they’re dead.
And David Bohnenkamp gives this warning to the new Bachelorette, Meredith:
“Just thought I’d let you know that I know one of the bachelors on the
upcoming ABC series “The Bachelorette”. He is Harold Hersh, a former minor
league hockey player. He was on the Quad City Mallards team in 2000-01. In
fact, the local paper there ran an article about it earlier this week. They
are in the United Hockey League, basically AA-level. Nothing remarkable
about him other than he was known as a “puss-hound”, but that applies to
almost all minor league hockey players. I am the Supervisor of Off-Ice
Officials for that team and he once hit on my girlfriend at the time. I
would advise The Bachelorette to dump him immediately.”
Harold Hersh? A Jewish hockey player?
Jim Fassel, the strange, overrated former Giants coach won’t be coming to Chicago. Yay!
Rick Morrissey is a dope.
Groucho says that the Maloofs want to move the Kings to Vegas. Speaking of the Maloofs, did you catch where Britney was drinking the night she got married? Ghost Bar, which just happens to be owned by the Maloofs and it’s in the casino/hotel they own. I love the Maloofs.
And by the way, former OU defensive coordinator and current Arizona head coach Mike Stoops, just looks like a Maloof, doesn’t he?
Mariotti puts down the doughnut to say that Nick Saban’s not coming to coach the Bears.
By the way, did anybody see the article in last week’s Sports Illustrated by Rick Telander? Talk about your masturbatory, self-indulgent, hack pieces. Just a pile of crap. I went out and bought a bird just so I could put that story in the cage for the bird to crap on. Remember when Telander was actually good? Yeah, he can barely remember it, too.
Juan Gonzalez looks like he’s going to be a Royal. Didn’t he turn down a trade there last year?
EY’s going to be a Ranger. That’swhatI’mtalkingabout!
Pete Rose says, “Oh, yeah, I’ve been lying for 15 years! Oops!”
Just what the hell do the Yankees need Tony Clark for? Are they thin at first basemen with bad back?
SI also has Pete Rose’s “confession.”
So Britney married Jason Alexander?
Oh, it’s not this one?
It’s cool for girls to be bisexual. Uh…sure.
America’s finest news source says dolphins have begun to grow thumbs.
I was good?
We’d like to thank Michigan for once again embarrassing the Conference on the national stage again. Special thanks to Lloyd Carr, who continued to use 5-7 step drops against USC’s heavy pass rush, and never once used play action. Way to have a clue there, Lloyd and we wish you luck with your new duties as head coach of the Chicago Bears.
It’s OK, the play action wouldn’t have worked, since I continued my trend of rushing for less than 40 yards in any game where the other team had a defense.
I can’t wait to be the Bears number one draft pick.
Hey, where is the link to the shots of the Mars rover. In one of them, you can see me in the background.
And I like USC running back Reggie Bush, he’s a real SLASHER if you know what I mean.
The rover’s really on Mars, unlike you when you filmed Capricorn One.
We love Britney and Mike Stoops! We’ll make them both Maloofs!
Mole prediction
The best looking chick is the Mole
Whoo hoo!
Welcome aboard Chris! More than your rushing, I was impressed with your total cluelessness in blitz pick up.
A couple of observations:
1) I will be in the theater on the Opening Day of "Miracle". Until the Cubs win the World Series, this is the coolest sporting event in my lifetime. By the way, I’ve herad there’s an even better line from Herb Brooks. As they’re getting ready to play the gold medal game, he tells them not to let down, because if they lose, they will "take to your grave. Your fucking grave.". Then, he turns and walks out.
2) I’m actually gaining respect for Joe Buck. He was the only sane voice in Sunday’s Packers-Seahawks game. He refused to give in to the hype of "guardian angels" that the douche bag Collinsworth was spewing.
3) I still refuse to sign the annullment papers. Britney can beg all she wants, but I ain’t signin’.
4)We will know by this time tomorrow whether to call for a jihad on the Baseball Hall of Fame. Ryno had better get in.
Dave, knowing the idiot writers who vote on the Hall of Fame, I’m preparing for the jihad.
I dropped a huge maloof in the toilet about ten minutes ago.
Wait, "Miracle" is a Disney movie, so I think Herb says, "If you lose you’ll take it to your grave. Your Epcotin’ grave."
As for Sandberg getting in, my prediction he gets painfully close 65 percent or so, but just not quite close enough. He’ll go in in 2005 and there’s no good reason why he has to wait.
Did anyone else notice the similiarities in the Hasselbeck pass that got picked off yesterday and the pass Stewart threw that effectively ended the Bears’ season in Green Bay??? I mean, it was the exact same pass! Al Harris must have thought he had seen that pass before right before picking it off. God I hate the Packers.
Hopefully, Favre’s inevitable 5-INT game will be next week in Philly.
BTW….
Supposedly William Green was boning Kevin Johnson’s wife/girlfriend. The day Green got the DUI, he was at KJ’s house while KJ was at the facility working out. KJ came home earlier than expected and caught Green doing her and Green took off in a hurry (hence the reason he had no shirt and only one sock.) Also, KJ was chasing him in a car, which is the reason he was still driving on a flat tire and speeding (and the reason he got the flat in the first place).
It gets better if this is true.
The reason Green was stabbed was because KJ called Green’s fiancee and told her what was going on and she reacted. Also, leading to the release of KJ in a hurry for "not living up to expectations."
Hey, I just got traded with Penny to the Knicks for a big pile of crap including Antonio McDyess’ rotting corpse, Charlie Ward’s Heisman and the pock marks of Macije (or whatever) Lampe.
I’m such a cancer the Suns couldn’t wait to get me out of town, just like the Bucks (who I never played for) the T’wolves and the Nets!
http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/news/story?id=1700818
I hate it when women can’t keep their pants on and break up perfectly mediocre franchises.
poop
The Packers got a damn gift on that fumble non-call during their drive for the go ahead touchdown in regulation. As for Ray Lewis, thank god he’s out of the playoffs, because I don’t think I could stand to listen to another Ray Lewis love fest broadcast. Paul Maguire (when you have absolutely nothing to say-shout it) is a freaking disgrace. I know Lewis is a great linebacker, but come on, he’s not even the best NFL player to aquitted of a double homocide!
As a Bulls fan, I have now learned what the rest of the country was complaining about when NBC was busy heaping praise on MJ. The Brett Favre "mystique" and Green Bay’s "greatest fans" (so great that they had to move the team to Milwaukee when they sucked) has soured me on the NFL playoffs. I can’t even imagine the massive media fellation that will occur once Brett decides to retire. Oh, the humanity.
I forgot to add to my observations: Do Packer fans really try to wear the dumbest thing they can on their heads to the home games? The crowd shots of Lambeau are hilarious and embarrassing. I really think I’d root for an al Qaeda team against the Packers (though they’d be stung by the loss of defensive coordiantor Saddam).
That is easily the worst thing about the NFL (the Brett Favre love fest). Look, the guy is great. We know that. We’ve been watching him for the last 10 years. I’d rather see them talk about someone like Takeo Spikes or Chad Johnson. Someone who’s real good but the casual fan wouldn’t notice. I hate the Packers. I love Brett Favre (I just hate that he plays for the Packers).
Yes, I have great plan for busting through the tight end to get to the sack.
It’s true, I bet on baseball. Can I go into the Hall of Fame now? And how about letting me manage again? I mean, I lied about betting for 14 years, but I promise, I won’t lie again, honest.
Hey, take it easy on us. Most of only moved to Green Bay because while we enjoyed living in a shitty town like St. Louis, it wasn’t cold enough.
Gotta admit it…Fav-ruh is good.
I’m sure he hasn’t asked for the entire media fellation. All he has ever said about his dad’s death and the ensuing games is: "Uhhh, ah played real gud."
I want Pudge!!
Eh, Starbury is not a headcase. He’s a player. or, should I have spelt that ‘playa’? Yes, probably.
Come on -= tell me you wouldn’t give away Ward, McDyess, a couple of Euros, 2 1st round picks and cash for Stephon Marbury?
Oh, really?
At least we don’t have to listen to the NFL schlock announcers fellate Kurt Warner, and whatever equal thing they might do to his stupid wife.
Look how much fun Brett has when he plays! He loves to play! He loves to hug everybody! Oh, it’s just so much fun to see somebody having so much fun!
I had no idea that Vicodin made you so happy?
As for Starbury, he’s a stud, but he’s a pain in the ass. And yes, if I were the Knicks I’d do that trade 1,000 times if it were offered to me 1,000 times.
The number one rule in making a trade is to get the best player in the trade. Phoenix might not even be getting the second best player.
Hey, I won the Alamo Bowl! The Alamo Bowl! Even Davy Crockett couldn’t win it, and he was fighting a bunch of drunk Mexicans! Why won’t Nebraska give me the job?
First they offered it to Al Saunders and nobody even knows who he is. Then, they offered it to Houston Nutt who is the ninth best coach in the SEC! Then, they offered it to Dave Wannstedt! Wanny? Now they’re interviewing Mike Zimmer, best known for not looking as dumb as Dave Campo on "Hard Knocks" two summers ago?
I’m just glad Bob Stoops told me I get to be the defensive coordinator next year at Oklahoma.
By the way, I just figured out that the only reason I was named interim coach was because if they had used the other coordinator, former Husker legend (and lousy two-point conversion passer) Turner Gill, there’s no way they could have not given him the job.
It’s hard to be so white.
That’s right Andy, I love playing almost as much as I love Vicodin! But seriously, I had to quit the pills. One night I chased a bottle with a fifth of scotch, then woke up in a hot tub with Mark Chamura and Jim Edmonds.
Hi Brett!
Have you seen that Lion King trailer where the water stops bubbling when the warthog gets out?
It was kind of like that with Brett.
Shouldn’t that read Cancerbury
Hey TW! Talkin’ about me?
"And David Bohnenkamp gives this warning to the new Bachelorette, Meredith:
"Just thought I’d let you know that I know one of the bachelors on the
upcoming ABC series "The Bachelorette". He is Harold Hersh, a former minor
league hockey player. He was on the Quad City Mallards team in 2000-01. In
fact, the local paper there ran an article about it earlier this week. They
are in the United Hockey League, basically AA-level. Nothing remarkable
about him other than he was known as a "puss-hound", but that applies to
almost all minor league hockey players. I am the Supervisor of Off-Ice
Officials for that team and he once hit on my girlfriend at the time. I
would advise The Bachelorette to dump him immediately."
Harold Hersh? A Jewish hockey player?"
First of all…..what girlfriend would that be? Second of all…Whose the head of the off-ice officials? Third…David Bohnenkamp, aka "Boner" as he is known by all the strippers in town is not a credible source for information on this topic as he is just disgruntled that all his stripper friends became more interested in Hersh than in himself!
The prostitute is not, as feminists claim, the victim of men but rather their conqueror, an outlaw who controls the sexual channel between nature and culture. by texas hold’em