Sure, I wanted The Lawnmower to mow down the Brewers and throw the first Cubs’ no hitter since…well, in a long time. I was disappointed when Geoff Jenkins dropped a little Judy humpback pop up down the left field line for the first hit, with one out in the seventh inning. But the proof that I need to find a rational limit for my hatred of Chip Caray was that in a sick way I was glad he didn’t get to call the no-hitter. It was the silver lining in Jenkins’ dark cloud of a base hit.
It’s like the Sophie’s Choice we had to make about whether it would be Chip Caray or tHom Brennaman who called Maddux’s 300th game. There were no winners there. Not even Greg who had to watch the end of the game on TV, thereby listening to Brennaman.
The Cubs are the kings of the surreal game. Consider that before yesterday’s game there was the very real possibility that all or part of Wrigley Field would be closed by the city. Then we found out that not only was Nomar Garciaparra not in the lineup, but that he was having both his Achilles’ and wrist checked out. You know things are bad when a guy’s bad wrist is considered “good news.” Nomar insists he could have played last night, and in fact during batting practice he went to have the tape on his wrist loosened up. That’s a good sign. Right?
Then when the game started, the Cubs put together a two-run rally in the first on Ben Sheets. That’s a nice change of pace from the 1-2-3 start to every game played in July and most of August. Carlos was killing the Brewers and got a great catch from Corey Patterson to save a hit and then one from Moises Alou in left. Honestly, when Moises and his seeing eye dog tracked that flyball down, I was sure the no-hitter was in the bag.
Moises cut his hand up on the warning track “gravel–Chip called it gravel–whatever” and if you can read lips as well as I can you’d have seen that Moises grumbled, “Great, my hand’s cut up and I just peed last inning.”
But Jenkins dumped his pathetic hit down the left field line and Carlos couldn’t find the groove, so Kent Mercker not only got to pitch, he got to bat (not a pretty sight) and Ryan Dempster pitched the ninth and continues to engender absolutely no confidence.
Because you come to me for blind, baseless predicitions, here’s mine. Dempster will go on the DL sometime in September, not because he’s really hurt, but because that way the Cubs can put Regular Joe or Todd Wellemeyer on the playoff roster in his place. Clip and save.
The Cubs have won five of six and have tied the house of cards that is the Giants in the wild card race. Now would be a good time to build some sort of lead, don’t you think?
My favorite Chip-ism of the night was when he said that “Corey Patterson is blossoming into a star before our very eyes.”
Now, I’m not horticulturist, but there are plenty of things that blossom, and I doubt that distant suns are on that list.
Just like Chip had to say, “Zambrano steps on the pentagon” instead of just saying that he scored. Saying something like “Zambrano steps on the pentagon” is irritating, pedantic and just plain infuriating. It also could be easily taken out of context and end up with Carlos on the Homeland Security “no-fly” list with Ted Kennedy.
Don’t even get me started on Chip blaming the loss of the no-hitter on Carlos having to “run the bases” in the bottom of the sixth. He ran the bases two innings earlier when he started a three run rally with a bunt single. That didn’t hurt his pitching.
Besides, here’s what Carlos did in the sixth. With a runner on first and no out he tried to fake a bunt and slap a hit through the infield. Instead he grounded into a fielder’s choice. Then Corey Patterson struck out. Then Derrek Lee struck out. So in essence, Carlos actually ran less than he would have had he grounded out. If he grounds out he runs to first, then has to run back around behind home plate and into the dugout. Then he has to run back onto the mount to start the seventh.
This way he ran 90 feet to first. Stood there for about five minutes. Then walked from there to the mound. So, ha! See Chippy, if you want to pick the nits, I can pick the nits. You hack.
Here’s an interesting little tidbit. Gruddy says that now that his leg feels good, he wouldn’t mind giving shortstop a chance if Nomar’s wrist injury puts him on the DL. First of all, let’s not entertain any thought of DL’ing Nomar. In my happy little world of denial, he’s going to be batting third and playing short tonight. But, if it happened, Gruddy says he could handle it.
Here’s the decision that Dusty would have to make. It certainly would be a boost to the Cubs offense to have both Walker and Gruddy in the lineup if Nomar’s out. But just how horrific would the middle infield defense be with that for a double play combo? I don’t know. Grudzielanek wasn’t a really good shortstop back in the day with Montreal and he’s older now, but he wasn’t a complete hack, either. You could probably get by. Otherwise you either go with Ramon (who has no range at short, either) or Neifi Perez who couldn’t get three hits in a week if you let him use a tee. Come to think of it, Gruddy at short doesn’t look so bad.
So Nomar homered on Friday with a bad tendon in his wrist? That ought to make Pete Munro feel even better about his performance.
Carlos was pretty sure he was going to throw a no hitter last night. It’s pretty obvious that one of these days he’s going to get one.
This pisses me off. Mike Mulligan talks about how the Bears aren’t cheap anymore. Signing Walleye Ogunleye was a very nice move. That’s not what makes me mad. It’s this from weasely little Ted Phillips.
The team also has lucrative private contracts with Bank One, Cadillac and Comcast that add to the kitty.
“I have said it before: [The new stadium] gave us a deal with which we could be competitive,” Phillips said. “It’s not a top-five or -six deal in the NFL — never will be — but it’s kept us in the middle of the market, and that’s kind of what we’ve looked for in terms of the dollars we’re spending. It definitely helps.”
It’s NOT a top five or six deal? They get a half billion dollar stadium built for them, they pay next to nothing and they claim they’re not in the top of the NFL revenue wise? If they’re not it’s through their own incompetence. It’s not like Chicago’s a football town or anything.
Seabiscuit’s Jockey just loves taking shots at Sammy. I’d like to read a story in tomorrow’s about how the jockey got a surprise bath in the ice tub.
The Jockey has a quote from Nomar in which the DL is a possibility. Oh, not it’s not. You suck it up there Nomie. Our DL time is used up. You have to play. There, did that sound desperate enough? Good.
If Bob Watson had suspended Kerry for that thing on Sunday, well, Bob would be a dope.
This could be a fun game this year. Let’s see how many times this year David Huh makes reference to Walleye being a son of royalty. He did it in two articles yesterday. So this makes three…
…and this one makes four. OK, it’s not a fun game. It’s already annoying. Get a new act, Huh. This one’s already over.
The Jockey with nine things the Cubs have to fix to win the World Series. Number nine is that ridiculous “one-run games” myth. How many times must I remind you it means nothing. Hmm? And by the way, Walleye Ogunleye is a prince! Sorry, wrong hack act.
A good look at Jeff Bagwell and Roy Oswalt’s near dust up yesterday. Bagwell may have a bad shoulder, but if I’m skinny little Roy Oswalt, I don’t mess with him.
The Jets are going to sign former Cubs’ farmhand Quincy Carter.
Phillip Rivers was never going to sign in San Diego. Today, apparently is never.
Chloe Sevigny says that “oral sex is art.” Who can argue with her?
I can just hear Vincent Gallo thinking when he was making Brown Bunny:
"I’m writing and directing a scene in which a tasty 29 year old girl goes deep throat on an actor. Now, where can I get an actor to fit that scene….
Hey! I know. Me!"
Yeah, Chloe was around the other night.
I wouldn’t call it art, so much. Art shouldn’t be rushed, and this particular "exhibit" was pretty quick.
Can’t help it…it’s not like it happens every day to me.
Sure, our team stinks, and our ballpark has all the personality of a toothpick, but at least going to our ballpark is much safer. You won’t encounter any falling concrete at our stadium. And you probably won’t be hit by any getting there, unless you’re coming in on the Ryan.
http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/chi-040823danryan,1,7960835.story?coll=chi-news-hed
Did you realize one of the Sun Times links and one of the Tribune links you provided have the same title pretty much?
http://www.suntimes.com/output/sports/cst-spt-cub24.html
"Zambrano right at home"
http://chicagosports.chicagotribune.com/sports/baseball/cubs/cs-040823cubsgamer,1,2636611.story?coll=cs-home-headlines
"Zambrano’s right at home"
Jeff and I may not have buried the hatchet, but I did get a good look at the fork that somebody stuck in him.
Hey, Roy… Would that be the fork we stuck into the entire NL Central?
Andy, you don’t like Chip saying that Corey was "blossoming into a star" because stars don’t blossom. Would you prefer that he said that Corey was "blossoming into a flower?" How about "Corey is blossoming into a pansy before our eyes?" That paints a vivid picture.
Andy, I have to join you in criticizing Chip about something last night, but in a different way.
Chip mentioned the no-hitter who knows how many times as it went longer and longer. Now, announcers should say there’s a no-hitter going on, but not as much as Chip was doing last night.
And the bad thing about Thom Brennaman is, in this very year, he’s gotten to announce both a 300th win (Possibly the last in this generation, if not in MLB history) AND a perfect game.
That just irritates me. Better baseball announcers could go decades and not get to announce substantial events like those things.
Hey, remember that time the Mariners won 116 games! Yeah, we’re going to win the World Series just like they did!
If you don’t swallow, it’s not art.
Honesty compels me to note that the Cubs will need to be on top of their game tonight to get past the "crafty lefty" Capuano and that "pesky Brew Crew" with their "vaunted bullpen."
Gawd, would someone just put me out of your misery already??
Hey buddy, remember that year I hit over 60 homers and 160 RBIs, with a dozen homers against Milwaukee alone? That was awesome. Buddy.
We lost in the playoffs that year because we won all season long by having a good, but not special starting rotation. It gave us a chance to win every night, and most nights you face decent or less than decent starting pitching. But in the playoffs, suddenly you only face the other team’s four or five best pitchers, total.
If you take the Cardinals pitching staff 1-11 they are deeper than the Cubs. But if you shorten it to the Cardinals five best pitchers against the Cubs five best…the Cardinals don’t fare so well.
If I’m Tony LaRussa, I’m hoping the pathetic Giants limp into the playoffs. If it’s the Cubs…well, this is the guy who led the A’s to a four game sweep against the Dodgers in ’88, remember.
How great will it be to have Moises take a nice, long, piss in the corn flakes of the Cardinals this October?
Ever notice how tough Moises’ wife’s face is?
The Cubs just don’t score against lefties, that’s why they struggle against them so badly.
You know they’re only 17-10 against lefty starters this year.
Oh, never mind.
Did you guys see me kick the ball to first to get the save last weekend? We practice that play. None of this is luck.
Where were Karry and Pepe today?
I think my favorite moment of last night’s game came when Zambrano scored on the wild pitch. Moeller clearly got to the ball in time to attempt to throw out Z, but he looked up and realized that Sheets would have been like a squirrel under a semi if he tried it.
If you don’t swallow, don’t count the carbs.
Wait, Carlos wouldn’t have run over Sheets would he?
Yeah, who am I kidding, Sheets would have spike marks on 93 percent of his body.
Andy, don’t remember how Chip commented on the "awkward" way that Zambrano stepped when he scored? That was because Zambrano was preparing to hit Sheets, then realized there was no play so he slowed down and just sidestepped him.
Incidentally, reports are that Regular Joe got his ass kicked in last night’s AAA game, and that he topped out at 84mph on the radar gun.
Am I the most annoying thing on TV during Cubs games? I even have Chip out-assclowned, and that’s saying something. Sure, I may only appear on the Lake County viewing audience cable systems, but nothing can squelch my screechy, poor audio blowhard act. My message of shaking off high prices on below-invoice Chryslers and Dodges will be spread to Cook, Kane, DuPage, Kendall, Will, and McHenry Counties. This shrill voice of mine will ring out over Chicagoland! Let’s play 18 today!!!
My like Chip. He call me lucky-donkey looping ba’-hit to righ’ fiel’ a "line drive". He goo’ guy in me book, Chip.
#23 gets some sort of award for finest Spanglish usage.
Very impressive.
I will kill you, Fox Lake Chrysler Dodge Guy.
lets not forget Chippy’s comment after a batter asked the ump if the pitch he swung and missed was a strike. Chippy claims managers hate when hitters do this because they are telling the umps that they do not know the strike zone, how INSANE is that?!?! Even Chippy has said on the air when a batter is called out on a low or inside or whatever kind of strike that the umpire has been calling that pitch the entire game and they should observe the game and not just watch it. So maybe just maybe the batter was asking the umpire if he was calling that a strike tonight so he would know he needed to swing at it. CHIP IS AN IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for the flash, Gordon.
But I was throwing all change ups.
4 earned last night w/o recording an out. My ERA is a paltry 21.60.
For those of you disappointed that I haven’t made with the jailbait in weeks, let me show ya some love:
http://www.reneeolstead.com/
She’s younger than my oldest boy, but I’m gonna get in line now. Three years will zoom by faster than you think.
You’re welcome, by the way.
I am, by far, the most annoying thing about Cubs telecasts. I don’t even try to make sense. Nothing can stop me, not even the "Focus and a Dell" commercials.
U-S-A! Yoou-Esss-AYYY!
Next, USA high jumper Amy Acuff:
BTW: seven seven three…two-oh-two..beeep beepbeepbeep..Loooooonah!
Remember when the dogfight for most annoying was me vs. Celozzi and Ettelson, Victory Auto Wreckers and Danley Garage World? How about Tru-Link Fence commercials starring Andre Dawson: "When I hit one over the fence at Wrigley Field, I hit it over a Tru-Link Fence."
And of course, the Pepe’s commercials starring Leon Durham and Lee Smith eating Mexican food at one of our locations was always a contender for most annoying because of the Pepe’s jingle.
#30, I respectfully maintain my position that the Fox Lake Chrysler Dodge Guy is tops on the "Person Who Needs to Get Pounded with a Shovel" List. However, this is a regional commercial, I believe, and I am cursed with living in Lake County and being subjected to it.
The Feldco folks are horrible. I don’t think they were going for the cheezy Mentos-like commercial where it’s lame and crummy, but we know it, so it’s hip and funny now. Feldco just proves you don’t need anything aside from a jingle and a number, which is easy to remember.
Everyone here over age 30 and a lifelong Chicago resident can easily recite the number to Lincoln Carpeting.
When you’re thinkin’
Lincoln Lincoln
Better carpeting for less
Call ….
I live on in the form of Jay Mariotti. Ever notice my Piemonte-esque hand waving and breathless delivery?
Did I die? I thought I was still kicking.
Zollie Frank of Z-Frank Chevrolet’s dead. But not me. I’m still here. I think?
I know many Cardinals’ fans talk about the Cubs’ failures in postseason, but in recent playoff history they have also had their share of bad luck.
They blew a 3-1 NLCS lead against the Braves in 1996 after Dennis Eckersley practically celebrated winning the pennant on the Busch Stadium (Or, if you like Andy’s name better, the Urinal Cake) after winning game 4. The Cardinals lost the next three games 32-1.
In 2000, Ankiel hits the fritz. The Cardinals survive that to sweep the Braves in the NLDS, but then Ankiel starts Game 2 and loses it again. The Cards lose both games at Busch to start the series, and then only get three hits in the deciding Game 5 of the NLCS against the Mets.
In 2001, the Cardinals enter Game 5 of the NLDS against the Diamondbacks with ace Matt Morris on the mound. Morris gives up a run in the first, but the Cardinal offense is silent until J.D. Drew, of all people, hits a homer in the 8th to tie it. It looks like it’s going to be an extra-inning classic, but then TONY FREAKING WOMACK gets the game and series-winning hit in the bottom of the 9th off Steve Kline.
In 2002, the Cardinals once again face the Diamondbacks in the NLDS, but they win this time. But, Scott Rolen gets injured, and that’s the end of their run. Steve Kline once again is on the mound and once again gives up the game-winning hit in the bottom of the 9th of Game 5 at San Francisco.
Nobody who watched afternoon cartoons in the 1970s and 80s will ever forget this phone number.
Quick note:
In the 2001 NLDS, Morris gave up a run in the fourth, not the first. Just wanted to get it right.
I’m not a lifelong but I have this stuck in my head…
988-2300 Empirrrrrrreeee!
Even if it’s 588-2300, I’ll at least hit it on the second try. And the Empire guy has the strangest hypno-voice ever. If the Cartoon Network ever needs a guy to voice a pedophilic super hero, he’s their man.
Here I am yelling, "Extra! Extra!" and some dope hits me with a pie in the face!
(not related to Steve)
In a deep bass voice:
HUDSON 3, 2-7 Hundred!
My work number used to by 312-588-5100. Got lotsa phone calls from friends asking if they could have their loan installed the next day, GUAR-OWN-TEED!
I’m the friendly lion! I look like a child molester, too, don’t I?
Mr. Santo can I drive your Chevy?
Mr. Santo, can I drive your toupee?
That kid in #44 is my friend Heidi’s son.
And I know. You’re happy for me.
#41, you just brought that one back from the deep recesses of the brain. Holy crap, that is old. I couldn’t remember the business for the life of me, but that deep bassoon voice is crystal clear.
It makes me feel old to realize I remember when the phone numbers had those letter (name) interchanges at the beginning. Like Ralph Kramden always called up people at Bensonhurst-5-9-3-7, or some such number.
The Michael Jordan basketball I got from Empire Carpets for my 1985 order is somewhere around here…
Batting third, playing short tonight, bitches!
Dear #48:
You’re welcome.
Big tall men! Big strapping men! M Hyman and Sons! M Hyman and Sons!
Heh heh, they said hymen and I’m not in sex ed class.
Anyone miss me? I was classic wasn’t I?
Dear Ladies in the Eagle Insurance Commercial:
We would like to commend you on your long-running Eagle Insurance commercial. You have done the 2-day correspondence course on Acting and Stuff proud.
Please tell Eagle Man that he should be happy to work with you both for your stellar, emoting performances.
Wow! Look at those low rates!
In my one and only advertising class at the world famous Northern Illinois University we had a discussion about whether or not there’s actually value to having an annoying jingle. The argument for is that people are more likely to remember it. The argument against is that people are more likely to remember it and associate your product with annoyance.
If Chip Caray were a jingle, he’d be the perfect case study.
And if it means he has to quit annoying me and go sell carpet or garage doors, well I’m all for it.
all kinds of sexual thoughts are brought to mind just from my name
Roy Oswalt just pitched in the Little League World Series.
A team from Texas just beat a team from Maryland 13-1 and the only run Maryland got was on a solo homer. In the sixth the kid who hit the homer came up and the pitcher threw at him. To make things worse, the ball missed the batter but hit his bat for a foul ball. Now that’s skill.
No word on which Clemens kid was pitching for Texas today.
Face it, I represent the last remnant of the golden age of Chicago’s independent TV stations.
Andy, I am going be the Rohrman friendly lion next year if the Trib lets me go. I’ll be sure to say, HELLO!
Thanks to my Norman Bates-style shrilling mother, everyone knew where to find me.
Howard Pontiac, Elmhurst. On Graaaaaaaaand Avenue.
Most customers wanted a test drive where they could croak the old hag out, then throw it in reverse. On Graaaaand Avenue.
Being origanally from the Chicagoland area now living in Oklahoma City for 20 plus years I must say. The commercials here suck.
They used to have Chicago commercials on WGN before they changed to the superstation for cable. The Empire commercials still stick in my mind.
The Danley Garage commercials are pretty much unchanged too areb’t they?
Andy, please introduce your alma mater properly as:
THE Northern Illinois University
And then make a stupid face or flash your gang’s sign.
Well, I’ve been pulling the same door off the same car for 25 years, so not much has changed.
Bill Jackson is the King of Chicagoland TV.
Hey, I put on a terrible act in some of those Eagle Man commercials, too! I need some attention!
Not much has changed! Why am I shouting?!
#64, I have no idea, but since you’ve given me a career when I’m otherwise useless, I don’t ask questions.
I’ve been suspended 10 days for applying a foreign substance to baseballs! Make your own Moises Alou joke here.
http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=1866953
My Monday Night Football intro:
Andy Dolan
Quarterback
University of DeKalb…Nomarrrrrrrrr!
Then I blow the Sammy kisses and pound my chest.
If you are so inclined, there is a somewhat entertaining effort in the Boston Globe about Manny Ramirez’s day off in the corn stalks of Illinois.
It includes a limo, a trip to McDonald’s, metallic celery and erstwhile Cub of yore Ricky Gutierrez.
C’mon, now you have to read it.
http://www.boston.com/sports/baseball/redsox/articles/2004/08/24/ramblin_manny/
What about my commercials? You know, the ones about how the two people who worked at my store fell in love and got married?
What does that have to do with lumber? (Insert WOOD joke here).
Anyone catch Chip saying that Donald Trump has a "regal" presence last night? If there is anyone less regal than The Donald …
This just happened, and I’m sure you all heard it.
In the bottom of the second, Derrek Lee is batting with the bases loaded, one out and the Cubs up 3-0. Chip tells us that in Florida it’s 7-0 Marlins. He then wonders why the Wrigley scoreboard doesn’t have the Marlins score up. He then says, "Maybe they don’t have a seven."
I wittily reply, "No, dumbass they’re saving it for after Derrek’s at bat."
Two pitches later, D. Lee hits one into the shrubbery in center and the Cubs are up 7-0.
Granted, I know that the Wrigley Scoreboard doesn’t tally the runs for the Cubs games, but you knew what I meant.
Then, Chip wonders why the trainer is out to check on Chris Capuano, apparently oblivious to the fact that not only does Capuano have a huge fork sticking out of his back, but the Cubs’ foot is firmly planted in his ass.
That is all.
What is this run support you are talking about?
I am but a simple cavepitcher who fell into the ice and was thawed out by your scientists. I now nothing of the modern ways of run support.
And, apparently, Matt…you also don’t know how to spell "know."
Chip just asked if there’s a pitcher with a losing record who’s better than Matt Clement.
Ahem.
Just want to give you some of Tucson’s worst commercials….Currently, the, uh, winner has to be the comically amateurish ad for Joe Cristiani’s, the cell phone king of Tucson, with softball annoyance Jennie Finch. I know full well that Jennie Finch is the world’s most beautiful woman, but that still doesn’t make up for how bad this commercial is. (Or her annoying little-girl voice, for that matter.) Course, it’s bad enough that I live in a city where softball players do TV commercials for ANYTHING to begin with. Historically, I have to mention Rick from Empire Glass who’d give you two dozen meals at El Paso Bar-B-Q Company or Sweet Tomatoes Salad Buffet For People on Very Strict Diets or some crappy restaurant if you fixed your windshield with Empire Glass. Tragically, we don’t see those commercials anymore, because Rick, an alleged devout Christian, was murdered in Phoenix by two strippers who stole the fancy jewelry he carried with him everywhere because he believed God would protect him. (Really.) I do know his ex-wife’s now doing the same act on Phoenix TV, though….
Chipism of the night:
"Ramirez… has a groin injury which he will have to cope with for the rest of 2004 and beyond we hope…"
WTFH?
Note: It was in the bottom of the 5th inning, approximately 8:48 PM CT.
Chippy has cursed my groin.
Eww…now I feel dirty.
Cubs now winning 12-4. Wow.
But they still have such a terrible 1 run game record!
"Chip just asked if there’s a pitcher with a losing record who’s better than Matt Clement.
Ahem."
Earth to Josh: My ERA is a run lower than yours, and you’ve had about two weeks of good pitching versus a few years of it from me. You suck.
Bob Rohrman went to my high school, as did Axl Rose and Izzy Stradlin (not in the same year).
Let’s just say that, um, his A-List profile would include the word "felching."
"Hey, you want to go out for a couple of Keifers after the game?"
Sorry #80, I couldn’t hear you, I have my World Series ring in one ear and my World Series MVP trophy in the other.
And man, do my ear drums hurt.
Damn!
Now your eardrums hurt Josh? Sounds like another trip to the DL for you.
I flashed some leather in LF last night!
Uh, Josh? What have you done for me lately?
Morpheus:
More than Kerry Wood, Matt Clement, Greg Maddux, Carlos Zambrano and Mark Prior combined.
And no one since me.
I think that "Kerry Wood, Matt Clement, Greg Maddux, Carlos Zambrano and Mark Prior combined" have done better than 5-7, 4.26 ERA… so let’s not get ahead of ourselves here.
Can you say "flash in the pan?"
*Curls up into a fetal position, rocks back and forth*
Ball go far…ball go far…
We really liked being famous. It’s a shame about us sucking this year.
The Divine intellect indeed knows infinitely more propositions (than we can ever know). But with regard to those few which the human intellect does understand, I believe that its knowledge equals the Divine in objective certainty. by discount phentermine
Socrates is a doer of evil, who corrupts the youth; and who does not believe in the gods of the state, but has other divinities of his own. Such is the charge. by sim slots
Universal doubt cancels itself. by backgammon ppc
It’s strange that people don’t recognise the enormous decline in taste melody, rhythm, harmony and invention since the days of Elvis, Chuck Berry and The Beatles. by strip poker
Logging into this website should be a requirement for anyone knowledgeable on earth these days…