On Wednesday night, I was about halfway through the Desipio Baseball League draft and I thought, “Oops! It’s Wednesday, I missed Survivor!” Then, it dawned on me. The NCAA Tournament isn’t over, but the Thursday-Friday games are. Whew. Survivor was back on Thursday, where it belonged. And I hadn’t missed a damn thing.

Last week, smug, crusty, old (and little) Roger hit the skids. Based on the commercials for this week–which made it look like Matthew had gone all Colonel Kurtz in “Apocalyse Now” on the tribe–you figured Matthew would be taking the long, slow walk this week.

The show opened with Deena talking about how glad she was that Roger was gone. How comfortable she was. But then, she emphasized that “I’ve still got my undies on fire.” Huh? I thought you boiled them to specifically avoid that.

Then we see Matthew sharpening his machete. Over, and over, and over again. Yikes.

Quisty on Matthew – “He’s cwazy, cwazy, cwazy.”

Quisty can really belt out the Patsy Cline hits, can’t she?

The reward challenge is some stupid thing where three of the Survivors are bungee corded together and have to get some flags out of knee deep water. Dave wins stupid tugboat challenge and his reward is an opoortunity to eat ice cream and take a bath. Only on Survivor.

But, predictably, Jeff “Anal” Probst offers Dave the chance to pick somebody to go with him. Since he was bungeed to Deena and Alex he decides to pick one of them. He puts a big two behind his back and asks Deena and Alex to pick one or two. Deena wins.

Jenna, who got to snack and bathe with Dave the last time, is visibly jealous. Whatever.

Deena has lost about 20 pounds during her three weeks in the jungle, but she’s still giving off the Indigo Girl concert vibe. Dave should know he’s screwed. He should have picked Jenna just for the chance to see her yabos again.

They both start eating ice cream and Dave says “I’m gonna be sick.”

Just wait until Deena gets in the tub.

Eventually they both get in their separate hot tubs and Dave reveals he’s never used a loofa before.

If you didn’t get the image of Mrs. Smails holding the loofa out of the shower at Danny Noonan and saying, “Dear, would you loofa my stretch marks?” There’s something wrong with you.

Deena says, “Loofa away.”

For some reason, when they start chatting they are both lying face forward in the tub. It’s like they’re trying to hump the drain. Oh, maybe…

Dave reveals he knows that he’s not long for the game. “I’m f@#$ed in the literal sense of the word.”

Deena agrees and offers that only Matthew’s deteriorated psychological state could save Dave now. She says, “We have to accelearate the 5150 status of Matthew.”

Who knew that Deena was such a Van Halen fan!

On their way out, Deena says “Thanks for letting me have a bath with you.” My eyes begin to bleed.

Back at the camp Heidi and Jenna are bitching. “This is Dave’s second shower. He’s ‘cleaning’ up.” Man, that’s a bad pun.

Heidi and Jenna go to bathe in the river with each other.

Jenna “It’s a tactical decision to take Deena.”

Meanwhile, Rob watches Jenna and Heidi, peeping Tom style.

Rob: “Twigs and sticks are a nickname for Heidi and Jenna. I’d catch fire if they rubbed together. I really enjoy my alliance with twigs and sticks. I don’t think they’d pay me any attention in real life. I play this game with this head, though today it looks like a different heat.”

I love Rob. In a manly way.

He then bitches, “When Dave and Deena came back they were talking about being hungy.”

Jenna’s not really happy either. Especially when Deena says she still wants dinner. “Screw you, you fat pig, you ate ice cream all day.”

That night, we see Heidi and Dave snuggling. Rob is jealous.

“Supposedly she’s playing him. But I think she’s playing me. If anybody’s going to have jungle love with Heidi, I want it to be me. I don’t like the fact that somebody in my alliance is sleeping with that ape.”

Well said. But Rob’s not done. The next morning he muses about the presence of gnats in camp. “I don’t know what it is about the dirty human head. But gnats hang out at a dirty head like it’s Studio 54.

“It is funny when you’re talking to somebody and they have a million nats over their head like Pig Pen.”

Rob gets done telling Matthew that he, Alex and Rob will be the last three and then goes to the camera and says. “I’d like to get rid of Matt as soon as possible. Because I’m taking my life into my own hands with the amount of lies I’m telling him.”

It’s arts and crafts time! The immunity challenge tree mail comes with big clay masks for the castaways to decorate. Alex is not a fan of his. “Look at the hair on mine, I look like Moe from the Three Stooges.”

Dave writes “Boo Yah” on his. Another reason to hate him. I now demand that he be voted off this week. Nobody gets away with that juvenile Stuey Scott crap.

The immunity challenge ends up being a stupid Amazon quiz. Every time you get a question right you get to take your machete and cut the rope on somebody else’s pendulum. When anyone’s rope has been cut three times a big log smashes their mask and they’re out.

The guys pretty much eliminate each other immediately. Rob is not helped by the fact that he gets every question wrong. Though, he may have thrown the challenge so he wouldn’t have to offend anybody by cutting their rope. Not a bad move if that’s why he did it.

Jenna wins immunity and she looks gooooood in that necklace.

But I think we all miss the immunity Calvin. Don’t we? Calvin?

Back at camp, Matthew is still losing his mind. He takes his machete to his shoes. “My mission this afternoon is to MacGyver these into suitable sandals.”

Quisty “I am woting fow Matt because he gives me da cweeps.”

Alex tells Dave where stands. “You have two things against you. 1) Roger. 2) You’re a threat. You’re a badass.” Whatever. Badass? He’s a putz.

Heidi says to Dave, “I’d like you to go three more days.” I have a feeling women are always telling Dave they wish he could go longer. She then says, “You have a 50-50 chance.”

Yeah he might or he might not get voted out.

At Tribal Council Matthew says, “When we merged, I found people who care about me.” Because Anal sees the dailies, he puts Rob on the spot. Rob comes through, though, big time.

Rob “I’m just so happy with Matthew’s progress. I was with him for the first nine days and he was secluded. Now he’s an invaluable part of this tribe.”

Dave begs for his life and Anal asks if that kind of thing can change people’s votes. Deena says, “Human emotion can be dictated by human sentiment.”

Anal then gives Jenna a chance to give her immunity to somebody else. “I don’t see anything that can be exchanged for immunity. It’s mine and I’m going to keep it.” I’ll bet if somebody offered a million dollars for it, you’d jump. Just a thought. We also are reminded that everyone left in the game will make the jury.

The votes are no surprise, Dave gets five. Matt gets one. (Dave actually got seven, but five was all Anal needed to show us to prove he was booted. Even weird Heidi didn’t throw a mercy vote at Dave. Aww.)

Next week: Butch gets bit by a dead fish. Deena and Alex think they’re in charge.

—

You would think that a day like today, with the Cubs 2-1 and the Sox 0-3 would be the perfect time for a guy like me to gloat. Nah. I’ll do it when the Cubs are 10-4 and the Sox are 0-14.

Let’s just say that a complete lack of speed, bad defense, shallow pitching depth and a bad manager is the exact recipe that killed the 2002 Cubs. Looks a lot like the 2003 Sox to me.

Nice debut by Billy Koch, though. Anytime your ERA is a sideways eight, you’ve accomplished something.

Bad.

How fitting is it that Monday through Wednesday were great here and in anticipation of the Sox home opener today, the weather has gone to complete crap. You don’t need a weatherman in Chicago. You just need the baseball schedules.

Cubs home games, sunny, 80 degrees.
Sox home games, cloudy, 35 degrees, chance of being mauled by shirtless father-son duo.

Don’t look now but Moises Alou is hitting .455 with three doubles and six RBI in three games. Who knew that actually working out in the offseason might help? He should write a book.

Dave Veres made his Cubs debut and promptly became the first Cubs reliever to give up a run this year. Way to go, Dave!

The Cubs are in Cincinnati, and the Reds were just swept by the mighty Pittsburgh Pirates. An optimist sees a 5-1 road trip. A pessimist figures that the Cubs are just the tonic the Reds need.

The Sox are only three games out of first. Muahahahahahaha!

We’d be remiss if we didn’t pass along the tale of Ron Santo’s toupee catching fire during Wednesday night’s game. Apparently, Ron sat too close to a hanging portable heater and his hair began to cook. Ron said that when he got back to his hotel on Wednesday he surveyed the damage and declared that toupee to be unwearable. So he went to his “gamer.” He revealed that the “gamer” is only worn under a hat. I don’t want to get into the reasons a bald man needs a toupee under his hat.

Rosey really likes Steve Trachsel.

Phil Rogers column has no point.

This just in: Mark Prior is good.

Paul Sullivan devotes way too much attention to Sammy’s hop.

The Sox fall down and go boom.

If Bill Cartwright can’t figure out how to play Jay Williams and Jamal Crawford at the same time, he’s too dumb to be an NBA coach. How’s that for succinct?

Neil Milbert catches up with the ’77 Marquette Warriors. One of, if not the, most fun NCAA Championship team of all time.

Justice in Minnesota apparently has glaucoma, just like Kirby Puckett.

Greg Couch tries to blame everybody but Matt Doherty. Like I said yesterday, Matt’s a jerk. I think he’s beginning to mature and could some day be a good coach, but don’t blame this on the players.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut and has no freakin’ point at all today.

Mark Grudzielanek is hitting .833. I think that would be some kind of record if he could keep it up.

Juan Cruz might start on Monday if Matt Clement’s back is still yelling at him.

Nothing says losing-streak stopper like Esteban Loiaza. Oh, I kill me.

The Wizard of Roz with stuff on the Blackhawks. Yawn.

Matt Doherty’s side.

John Clayton breaks down the ten best games this NFL season and doesn’t have a Bears game in the mix? Really? What a shock!

I see the Bears’ schedule and I’m thinking 16-0.

It’s gonna take more than a little pneumonia to kill Johnny Cash.

Steve Buschemi has signed up for The Sopranos. Excellent.

More “live on tape!” from Saddam.

Who says public radio is liberal?

America’s finest news source thinks Saddam’s speech was dubious.