We can hide behind a cloud of pessimism, or fatalism or whatever other ism you can think of, but the Cubs keep giving us subtle reminders. Subtle? I suppose like a kick in the teeth is subtle. The Cubs, the 2004 Cubs can hit. We’re not used to this. They get on base, they hit home runs, and generally, though they may frustrate us at times, they’re a threat to score at any time. Excuse us if we’re not used to this. But it’s been about 20 years.
Even young Corey got into the act last night. He got five hits, raised his batting average about 60 points and actually looked like he knew what he was doing. Who knew?
The first eight Cubs reached base. The first eight Cubs scored. Sergio Meat Tray had a touchdown and a two-point conversion before he even took the mound. Nice work if you can get it.
Last night had it all. Todd Walker continued to get on base like a fiend. Let the Red Sox fans wet their pantaloons over Mark Bellhorn and his 15 walks. He’s also still striking out at a horrific rate and he’s…Mark Bellhorn. We’ll take Walker. He walks, he hits, he doesn’t shave. What’s not to like?
Corey got five hits and looked like a real major league hitter.
Sammy didn’t have to do much, which never happened in the old days when the Cubs scored more than four runs, much less 12.
Moises continued his assault on the Pirates and pitching in general. He’s old, and he’s hitting .370.
E-ramis continued his fine work at the plate and in the field, and he might want to look into hotel rooms in Houston around All-Star time. (I’m sure Chip can hook him up with a place to stay. Maybe a bath house?)
Derrek Lee got in on the fun with three RBI and after the game got interviewed on Fox Sports Pittsburgh as their “Star of the Game” (rough night for the Pirates) and was asked if the Cubs look like a World Series contender. He just kind of raised his eyebrow and said, “Uh…yeah.”
Alex Gonzalez continued to pretend to really want to hit Major League pitching by using the right side of the stadium once and a while.
Michael Barrett still has his, “Wow, I’m glad I’m not an Expo” look on his face and two more RBI.
As for the Meat Tray, he just threw strikes and hit the odd Pirate with a pitch now and then. If anybody says it’s tough pitching with a big lead…he’s a moron! It’s the easiest thing there is.
Dusty used the end of the game to get us extended looks at studs like Jose Macias and Tom Goodwin, and Paul Bako got in just in time to let a guy reach on a dropped third strike. Paul led the majors in that last year, and his pace is just about the same this year. Nice.
Let’s just say the Bak-o-meter on the home page isn’t moving left any time soon.
The only downside of the game was the Regular Joe came in after Francis Beltran pitched his second impressive inning in as many nights and Joe was bad…again.
If Joe were a pie baking in your oven right now, your fire alarms would be going off. This is painful to watch. It’s almost like the ghost of Bob Scanlan has clawed its way into Joe’s uniform. Make it stop.
Did you catch last night’s Chip Caray Craig Biggio reference? It’s almost his own personal shout out to Desipio when he does it now isn’t it? Last night he was asking Steve Stone if the Pirates ever thought about moving Jason Kendall to “second base like the Astros did with Craig Biggio.” It’s uncanny how often the Beege comes up during Cubs games that have nothing to do with Houston.
Then again, Chip has a photo of Beege in a gladiator outfit taped to the inside of his eyebrow shaving kit, so Craiggers is never really out of mind.
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The NFL Draft is this weekend and that means three things:
1) The Bears will draft down to get more (cheaper) draft picks and take somebody from Michigan who we already hate.
2) Chris Berman will squeeze his size 58 body into a size 46 suit and make it uncomfortable for us to even look at him when he tries to turn and talk to anybody.
3) Mel Kiper’s hair will defy gravity!
If the NFL ever gets a clue and shortens the time for picks down to say five minutes each, the NFL Draft would be the most entertaining of the lot. There’s just too damn much time between picks. Four picks an hour? What the hell?
The NBA knows how to do it. Hell, if he could, David Stern would shorten it to two minutes between picks. How much time do you need for a guy in a terrible looking $2,000 suit to kiss mom and grandma, shake hands with his posse (wait, that might take two minutes alone), kiss his baby’s mama, cry, run up on stage, shake the commish’s hand then plunk down in a chair so that Stu Scott can ask him, “‘Sup with those mad threads, homes?” I get queasy just thinking about it.
Not the NFL. A guy gets picked the dumbass Jets and Giants fans boo because they’re supposed to, he wanders around the stage looking for Paul Tagliabue, he holds up his team’s jersey with a 1 on it and disappears behind the curtain. What fun is that?
I am looking forward to the return of Merrill Hoge’s hair (last year’s chemo treatments caused him to shave it off but he’s cancer free now and just plagued by the post concussion syndrome that ended his Bears career–so that’s nice?), and he and Ron Jaworksi breaking down not only the NFL draft bu the Arena Football League playoff picture. OK, maybe not.
For those who don’t know, here’s how the draft works, TV wise. When a team picks they give their card to an NFL runner who not only gives it to the commish, but also clues an ESPN producer into who the pick is, so ESPN can get the right graphics cued up and such. The producer then tells Berman just before the pick is announced so he can “guess” right. He thinks it’s hilarious. He’s wrong.
This does not work when the Vikings or the teams right behind them pick, because the Vikings always screw up and go over their allotted time and then the three teams behind them bum rush the stage to get their picks in before Minnesota wakes up. Now that’s high comedy.
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Nice effort by Josh Fogg last night. He only threw 33 pitches and his ERA is now SEVENTEEN! On the other hand, he’s probable in the bullpen tonight, since he wasn’t out there long enough to get tired.
LaTroy tags a new nickname on The Franchise, and Lloyd McClendon has a red ass about the Cubs being tipped off about Ryan Vogelsong’s pitches. Hey, they still have to hit them, Lloyd.
The Sox lost to the Yankees.
It’s just me, but I think the Bears have the wrong Jones boy.
Seabiscuit’s Jockey answers questions about the Cubs, but doesn’t fess up that it’s IBS that causes Pat Hughes to miss the top of the sixth every night.
Dusty says second base is Gruddy’s when he’s healthy. Yeah, but given his history he’ll be healthy for two days and then hurt something else.
Rosey with Charles Barkley.
Phil Rogers just got the memo that Barry Bonds is good.
Mariotti puts down the doughnut to tell the Bears to get Kurt Warner. Why, is Dominick’s fresh out of stock boys with experience and two NFL MVPs?
When all else fails, the Wizard of Roz writes another column about the guy Beanball Ben Christensen hit in the face.
Who saw this coming?
Who does Eli Manning think he is? Kush? I want to go first…either skiing or surfin! OK, I’m just amusing myself now.
Those Ravens are fun, ain’t they? Maybe he can share a cell with Jamal Lewis? And Ray can tell them who took out for in the can.
Don Banks on some draft rumors.
CBS showed photos of Princess Di after her accident…you know, while she was still alive.
The freak show has just merely begun.
America’s finest news source gets some reactions about the newer, healthier McDonald’s. It did wonders for it’s CEO didn’t it?
We love to bend over and take it straight up the pooper from the Cubs.
Did someone mention us?
We might do better in the Gay Porn Industry
Somebody call the National Guard, because the Cubs are KILLING the Pirates right now!
No, I’m pretty sure I’m hilarious.
I have the market on pitchers & gay porn.
I don’t really have much to add today, just kinda trying to steer the topic away from gay porn. Jeez!
I’ll be happy when the Cubs are shredding the AssTrolls like this.
Oh, yeah. Shredding an AssTroll is NOT gay porn. Or, even, a gay act.
What are we keeping this up for? To relive the blowout?
Throw up another funny graphic would you?
When the hell is Dusty gonna put us in there? We can play, dammit!
#9, you’re welcome.
https://www.desipio.com
I think Lloyd McClendon still has the red-ass at the Cubs over having to give them E-ramis and Lofton for Bobby Hill. Tipping off pitches? That is ridiculous. And if he was, that’s his problem. Was it so quiet at PNC that they could hear people in the Cubs dugout screaming out "Fastball!" as Voglesong dished up another 85-mph "heater"?
Oh, and what are the odds that Seabiscuit’s Jockey was the writer who pissed off Prior with his daily questions and skepticism of his injury? I could swear that was George Ofman behind the catcher’s mask catching Prior’s bullpen session last night.
No, I was posing as Mark Prior! Prior is in intensive care at Northwestern Memorial Hospital. The Cubs are lying!
What’s wrong with this sentence?
Jose Lima and Shawn Estes each go for their third win today as the Dodgers face the Rockies at Coors.
Good one Andy.
Check it out!
Rico Suave was only 37?!? I got robbed…
I’ve got the fever and the only thing that’s going to cure it is more cowbell!
There’s a reason why Blue Oyster Cult, Foghat and Mountain aren’t on that list…And I think you all know why.
I’ve always thought the reason the NFL Draft had 15 minute intervals in the first round is because they need the time to show highlights and statistics in case a team picks a player that the public really doesn’t know. We all know about Eli and Fitzgerald and Taylor, but what if somebody picked Doug "Whisper" Streets from Eastern Montana State with the 30th pick this year (OK, I don’t know if Doug Streets or Eastern Montana State exist at all, I’m just making an example up)?
ESPN would need the extra time to have Mel Kiper (Junior) tell us why Streets was picked. Something like:
"Streets’ incredible explosiveness and agility showed up during the combine, when he put up some of the most impressive numbers seen this year. This is why this six-foot cornerback is going this high. He only has one career interception, but you have to love those combine numbers."
All right, Mel wouldn’t say that last thing. I hate when teams like, oh the Bears, pick based on combine numbers.
But, if you watch the draft Saturday, try to keep count of how many of the college players have "explosiveness" or "great agility". Mel has used these phrases to the maximum in past years, and I think they’ll be coming at us again in full barrage mode this weekend.
I said what on April 13, 1984?
Why would a give a f#@$#ng S@#! about the F@#!ng Cubs in 19 f#!$ng 84? I was fired in August 1983, 4 months after the famous tirade (which was April 29, if I’m not mistaken).
Damnit!
test
BC, actually Mel Kiper is one of the best things about the draft. If you want to make those 15 minute intervals go a little faster, you have to play the Mel Kiper draft day drinking game. Just take a drink every time Mel uses a word that ends with the suffix "ability", drink twice when he uses only the word "ability" by itself, and drink 3 times when he manufactures a new word by adding "ability" to the end of it (past favorites include "escapability" and blockability"). The only problem is you probably won’t be awake by the time the Bears draft.
And I don’t know who the new "test" guy is, but it ain’t me…
tickle me elmo
Kicking the snot out of the Pirates doesn’t mean you’re good — it means you’re doing what you’re supposed to do. Simmer down, boy-o.
If Mel says a guy has multi-versaility, I’m suing him for stealing my intellectual property!
I know this will probably get me criticized but I was on the one with the test this afternoon. I was clicking refresh multiple times because I could not see my message come up, and it was not working. Finally I got frustrated and put "test" up. I apologize for any inconvience this may have caused the Desipio.com readership.
…I’m still an assclown…
Beating the Pirates 4-1 or 3-2 is getting the job done. Taking them out behind the woodshed is what good teams do.
Suck on it, Potsi.
test
Must…..KILL…..the…..Cardinals.
Hello, again, Chicago!
I’ll be back in town this afternoon. I imagine it’ll bring back some warm memories.
I sure have missed you Don, and no, I haven’t forgotten about that Odebie McDowell crack. I’m gonna single handedly kick the Mets ass.
See, Andy, it’s your OWN GUY who keeps mashing the F5 key, chewing up your bandwidth.
If you can’t donate to Desipio, just go find B.C. and break his fingers.
Hey guys I’m playing today!!
That’s right Paul, you’re my caddy. Although with Mitre pitching well, there’s a chance that when Prior comes back, I’ll become baseball’s most expensive long man.
Hold on there a moment. It was just a one-time thing. 99% of the time Desipio.com works really well on my computer. The fact my computer has duct tape around half of the outside of it doesn’t mean I do that all the time (All right, it doesn’t have the duct tape, it’s just a couple years old now).
There’s no need to break anything on my body. Except I’m sure some of you would like to break my skull or something.
Not that anyone would ever admit listening to my show, but if you listened last night, you heard me read the full text of this story about Mike Vick being gay.
I didn’t read the text when you click the link at the bottom of the page that says it’s a hoax site. There was too much wrassling to talk about to bother with that.
http://michael.vick.swellserver.com/news/top_stories/nfl_announcement.php
Why do I even bother to post comments? I rarely make a point on a sports related issue that hasn’t been beaten to death 500 times. When I make jokes, I always feel the need to explain what part of the statement is supposed to be funny. This does not work. I have no idea why I get to post articles on this site, because the only portion that people seem to enjoy is the ending.
The Voice of Reason does not suck on it, no matter how polite the request.
Woo hoo, we beat up on the Pirates! And the U.S. military beat up on some goatherders! We’re number one!
Hee haw. Here comes Maddux and Bako, the Cubs very own homicide bombers….
I have some ideas for you, B.C., and you, B.C. impersonator. (Should I explain and belabor the joke parenthetically in case you didn’t get it?)
The Cardinals swept the Astros at Houston.
This sucks, because it means Cards fans might start thinking they are good again. Yikes.
Yes, please do so (sarcasm.) That would be awesome (sarcasm.)
Man is a social animal. by texas holdem