Nobody actually buys newspapers anymore. Unless you have one delivered to your house out of habit, you read your news on the Internet. Some of you just come here (which is flattering…and a bit scary). But do yourself a favor today. Pick up a daily newspaper…any one will do. Take a look at the date.
Find the sports page and turn to the baseball standings.
It’s September 24, and the first place team in the National League Central is the Chicago Cubs.
Our Chicago Cubs.
They even have a magic number and everything.
And for once, it’s not 9-1-1.
Last night was one of those nights in sports where the planets align just right. Kerry Lee Wood was mowing down the Reds in startling fashion. He got 21 outs and only one batter hit the ball out of the infield all night. The only hit he allowed was a stupid little chopper off home plate by baseball immortal Wily Mo Pena.
Our buddy E-ramis Ramirez was busy putting all the runs the Cubs would need on the board by himself, and the Cubs were cruising.
Then, it happened. The impossible. The improbable. The SECOND INNING score came in from Houston and it was Giants 10, Astros 0.
Altogether now:
Muahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
So the Cubs have a one game lead with five games to go. The magic number is five. Granted, these are the Cubs we’re talking about. Despite the fact that Houston is in full free-fall and has lost five of six and four in a row, the Cubs can’t take their eyes off the road or they’ll end up a burning wreck in the ditch.
But we’ve been telling you for half a season now that these aren’t your father’s Cubs. These are the anti-Cubs, and we encourage you all to go buy some really cheap champagne so that this weekend you have something to pour on your wife, or your girlfriend (or both of them if they get along) and the dog and the cat.
Or, if the Cubs do blow it (and they’re not going to–trust me on this) you’ll have something to drink while you cry and wait for the Bears to get humiliated on Monday night.
These are the men now who stand in the way of the Cubs’ domination of baseball as we know it. Hall, Van Poppel, Torres, Vogelsong, Wells and Estes.
Look, when I said the other day that I agree with Dusty starting Shawn Estes tonight, I just meant I’d rather give Estes a shot than drag out the perpetually weird Juan Cruz. If it were up to me, Kerry Wood would be pitching on no day’s rest, or Mark Prior on one day’s rest. I’d find a way to start Prior three times between now and Sunday. But then, I’m insane.
What’s Kevin Tapani up to? I’ll bet he’s got five innings in his arm still. Or Jon Lieber? Maybe The Boss can loan him to the Cubs for 15 to 18 outs tonight?
No. Instead we’ll pucker our sphincters, cross our fingers, our toes and our eyes and just pray that Estes can avoid a meltdown of Wade Miller-like proportions.
The Giants face the Astros again this afternoon, and if all goes well, Estes could very well be starting the most important game of the season. Wait, it doesn’t matter what Houston does, Estes IS starting the most important game of the season. Until tomorrow, at least.
Another Astros loss and a Cubs win means a two game lead with four to go. Even the Cubs can’t screw that up.
Right?
Right?
One more thing before we Dose. The Score spent an inordinate amount of time this morning on the demise of Sammy Sosa. They played back a tape from last night of weasely George Ofman asking Sammy if he’s in a slump. First off, if this guy asked you a question, would you take him seriously?
On Julie Swieca’s show last night, she and some of the callers were advocating moving Sammy down in the lineup to sixth or seventh.
Here’s the thing. Sammy is still the best hitter the Cubs have. He’s still the most feared, and he’s Sammy Sosa, he’s one swing away from ending the slump and going on a tear. Just leave him in the heart of the lineup and shut up.
And don’t send the man with the world’s largest forehead to pester him every day. OK?
—
Kerry Wood didn’t care if he got a no-hitter. He just wanted a win. The cool part? You believe him when he says it. The way Woody and The Franchise are hurling right now…I’m going to take the entire month of October off just to bask in the World Series aura. Or something.
You know why Shawn Estes is seasoned? Because he’s done.
Phil Rogers says Sammy’s in a slump. Brilliant as always, Phil!
Mike Downey seemed to enjoy his night at the ballpark last night. Kind of hard not to.
Rick Morrissey says if he needed one pitcher to win one game, he’d pick Mark Prior. That day will be Saturday and it will clinch the NL Central.
TJ Simers is funny.
The Sox season is officially over. I’m enjoying the hell out of this.
DePaul thinks they’re going to join the Big East. Big whup.
Brian Urlacher will tell all about his Vegas vacation with Paris Hilton today. I just hope he got pictures.
If Brady Quinn is the answer, what’s the question?
Mariotti puts down the doughnut to write his “this will be cool if the Cubs collapse and I can rip them to pieces” column.
Chris Rix need to take a class in parking.
Nice to see that Bruce Miles is a fan of the site. Check out his lead paragraph.
Jayson Stark explains what happens if the Cubs, Astros, Marlins and Phillies all end up with the same record. Yikes.
Stewey opens his mailbag, but first he gives the demographics of his readership.
– 93 percent male
– Into Hillary Duff
– Apparently 92 percent pedaphiles
Good to know.
Now, the Desipio demographic breakdown:
-72 percent male
-100 percent totally awesome!
Ahh, the sweet sound of pandering. How soothing it all is.
Tom Verducci wants more playoff teams. Oh, shut up.
Oh, good, Ben and J. Ho might not be broken up! Gee, that’s…oh, who cares?
The bachelorettes (and the crew) tore up The Bachelor house. Sweet.
Barbra Steisand says she’s bored by her own songs. Her and us, both.
The Pope has a little intestinal blockage. You know when it’s a “little” intestinal blockage? When it’s somebody else’s intenstines who are blocked.
Hillary is upset that the Chinese version of her fictional biography is missing some parts. It’s missing the boring parts. The book is 466 pages in English and 12 pages in Chinese.
Kylie Minogue’s hot little sister has recorded a song not to masturbate to, but to masturbate with. See, I’ll bet Stewey’s readers already knew about this.
Here’s Danii:
Brazilian kids were playing in brown liquid yesterday, and for once, it wasn’t cow diarrhea.
Born to Run is the greatest album of all time. I’ll go with that.
America’s finest news source is reporting that Encyclopedia Brown is dead.
I’m a fucking idiot. A Vacuous, vapid second-guessing blind-hindsight moron of monumental, almost inconceivable, proportion. Apparently I’m the only person on the planet who would place more value on a no-hitter than on winning the division. Kerry Wood himself would kick me in my BB-sized nuts for having said so, if he weren’t so smart as to avoid reading my column. Ever.
This is the greatest year ever. The Cubs are on the way to the playoffs. The Sox just finished an epic collapse. Notre Dame is horrible and is only looking to get worse. And The Canes are positioned for yet another championship. If only all sports years could be like this one.
Hey, Bugsy, penguins live in the SOUTH pole. Sally, you got your man. Book ’em, Dano.
In 2001, Dusty Baker started Shawn Estes in the third-to-last game of the season. He lasted 2/3 of an inning and gave up three runs. The Giants lost 11-10 and missed the playoffs.
How did Chip Caray keep confusing Damian Miller and Kerry Wood when Miller doubled and eventually scored in the sventh inning last night? Moran.
And about that Pirates rotation: Lloyd McClendon is shuffling his starters so that it’s Fogg, Torres, and Wells. Apparently still bitter that he couldn’t become a Cubs regular and that his former employer raided his present club for Ramirez, Simon, and Lofton, McClendon is pulling out all the stops he has remianing to try to stop the Cubs.
I’m telling ya, read Meriotti’s columns with a lisp. It’s pure hilarity. His words were meant to be read alongside Bill Zwecker’s–his content so gay, so celebrity-obsessed, thatI wonder what the mission of the Sun-Times Sports Department is.
Hey Dave B.,
Luh-loyd is doing you a favor starting Fogg instead of me. I kicked your Cubbies hiney all over the park on Saturday. He’s takin’ it easy on you with Fogg whom you pummelled.
Estes is good for at least twice as many outs as he got in that start in 2001. What would that be? One and a third? He can do that against the AA Reds.
How dare you spell my name wrong in your pathetic little bloggy thing you simp!
I’m Barbra StReisand, and the r stands for really, really talented. Actually, that’d be two r’s, but you know what I mean.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I pay a gay man to wipe my tushy when I defecate and I feel a corn pole coming on, our out, oh, you know what I mean!
"We gone!"
Or,
"I shaved my head for this?"
By the way, if you watch The Curse of the Bambino on HBO, you’ll notice that I’m the one doing the play-by-play during the Bucky Dent game in ’78. Who the hell did I piss off to get demoted to doing White Sox games, while masterminds like Jerry Remy do the BoSox?
Me gone!
Don’t mistake Mariotti for the voice of the Sun Times Sports Department. I’m the real star. In fact, I just finished researching a 5 part series on how wonderful the WUSA is for women’s sports in this country, during which time, I didn’t read any newspapers. What? They’re what?!? Shit. Guess its the Dartmouth women’s swim team again.
I dated a girl who had the nickname Dartmouth. Let’s just say I hit a few bullseye’s in my day.
Felipe Alou has rested ALL of his regulars in this afternoon’s game against Houston. The Commissioner’s Office should investigate this (like the Matt Morris issue). This game directly involves both the NL Central race and the home-field advantage. Ridiculous.
Well, screw you, Dad!
That’s the last time you’re getting a bad tie for father’s day.
Don’t worry guys, I could have the New York Football Giants behind me today and it wouldn’t matter…I got 1 run, what else do I need? Oh, a whole cow…that would be OK…
When Bud gets done investigating Felipe and the Giants, let’s make sure he investigates the trio of bozos the Reds are putting out on the hill against the Cubs this series. Jackass.
Big difference. They don’t have anybody else and they aren’t tinkering with their rotation. If anything, he should investigate the trades the Reds made earlier in the season.
Guys, I’m flattered that you actually think that I have the authority to actually investigate things, but the truth is, even if I did have that power, I’m both too lazy and too stupid to properly perform the investigation anyhow.
>>They don’t have anybody else and they aren’t tinkering with their rotation.<< Yeah!
>>They don’t have anybody else and they aren’t tinkering with their rotation.<< Well, I do have 3 more starts this year than Scott Randall’s 1, but I’m hardly a rotation regular!
>>They don’t have anybody else and they aren’t tinkering with their rotation.<< And I’ve got as many starts this year as Scott and Josh combined! Yep, we’re a trio of workhorses!!
"Solomon Torres will smash Cubs on Friday!!!!"
A Giants forfeit would’ve saved them the 2:20 they had to phone in today. Take a look at their line-up today, and the Reds’ line-up looks like the ’27 Yankees. Screw Felipe Alou.
Dave B, let it go. I mean, your Cubs are facing Josh Hall, Van Poppel, and Salomon Freakin’ Torres over the next three games. Even the Cubs limp O should be able to beat these guys.
Sure the Cubs are facing some nobody tonight, but we’re running the worst starter in the Major Leagues out there to pitch. The Cubs need to win, period. Enough of this waiting for help from other teams, we got the help, we took first place, now we got to hold it.
The banality of evil. by free online poker