Greetings from San Juan, Puerto Rico!

You had no idea that Desipio had a budget big enough to allow Karry and I to fly down to San Juan to cover the big Cubs-Expos series, did you? Well, neither did we. But we managed to Fed Ex ourselves to the shoreline town of Arecibo and then we borrowed Cardinals’ slugger Albert Pujols’ yacht and sailed to San Juan.

Karry drives one mean truck…er…boat.

After docking the “boat” we headed to the lovely Westin San Juan, which in reality didn’t quite look like it did on the Web site.

But it’s home for a few days. Karry likes the tires in the front yard.

We spent yesterday on the beach, taking in the sun and Karry wouldn’t take off his black socks or sandals because of the signs all over the beach that said Manowar Warning. I told him those things aren’t that dangerous, but then we saw this, and realized they are.

We knew that finding Cubs tickets would be hard, since this is huge series down here and the Hiram Bithorn Stadium only seats 18,000 fans. So Karry set out to find them for me. He took the rental car and looked high and low for scalpers.

I asked him if he had any luck and he said he did, but he didn’t get any tickets. I’m not sure what he meant.

So, we went out on the town looking for a good time and tickets for tonight’s game.

The first group we ran into were some attractive Cubs fans.

Once we convinced the ladies that the dork in the orange shirt wasn’t former Cubs hurler Terry Adams, the six of us decided to hit the San Juan nightclubs.

We found the only guy in the world who’s managed to put his resemblance to Saddam Hussein to good use in getting ladies.

So Karry put on a Saddam mustache and suddenly realized just how popular it can make you.

Karry ran into some old war buddies of Albert Pujols’

And they went trolling for chicks:

Meanwhile, I ran into one of Jim Edmonds’ old girlfriends. She said she’d moved to Puerto Rico to try and forget him, but then Bud Selig brought baseball to town and the old memories got churned up. It was really kind of sad.

Finding a good cab driver in San Juan is not that easy.

Eventually, we caught up with Karry and his new friend Johnny. Johnny had apparently had a couple beers too many.

And that’s always unfortunate.

Finally, we ran into one of the Cubs’ wives and she was able to hook us up with tickets for tonight. I’m not going to tell you whose wife she is, because she got a little overserved and made out with Karry until his dentures loosened and fell on the floor. Let’s just say that her husband’s name rhymes with Augie Ojeda.

Anyway, we’re here in San Juan and ready to cheer the Cubs on as they begin the final sprint down the stretch run. They’re still in first place and don’t show any signs of slowing down.

Now, if only Karry could remember where he parked the rental car.

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Who is Chris Malcom and why isn’t he funny?

Phil Rogers is babbling.

These Cubs have a little edge to them. It’s about time.

This just in, the Bears are not good.

Paul Sullivan with sort of a Cubs glossary. Even I didn’t know what “Wolf tickets” were.

At least somebody on the NU team hit somebody. Even if it was a coach.

Oh, please! Mariotti puts down the doughnut to laud Jerry Manuel. By Thursday he’ll be demanding Jerry be fired.

Sports Guy had a bad day on Sunday. Ours was only half bad. But our half was worse than either of his.

This all goes back to my free agency theory. Never pay a guy $90 million if he shows up for the press conference with a cast on his foot.

Doug Williams wants Maurice Clarett to come to Grambling. He’ll be the best Grambling player since Bruce Jenner.

Peter Gammons with his latest. Check out this Billy Beane quote. “The game is all about control of the 17-inch triangle.” The 17-inch triangle? Damn, Billy must like big women, huh?

John Donovan must have been in a hurry. Check out this pathetic effort.

Marilyn Manson’s groin rubbing is art. Well, of course it is.

Every airline passenger will be assigned their own terror level threat color. Karry’s is so red it’s purple.

Thank God they don’t show us this stuff on the OC.

An Ohio man was stuffed under a mattress.

Who says the H-bombs worked? Japan has 20,000 people 100 years old or older. Yick.

Here’s a Britney Spears lookalike. Pretty good, huh? Yeah, but it’s a … guy. Ewww.

I hate Olivier Martinez. I wish Richard Gere really did kill him with a snow globe.

Warren Zevon is dead.

America’s finest news source says everybody in a Muncie fourth grade class hates Jeremy Halcote.