I don’t want to sound a Cubbie alarm here, for that would just be too Chip Caray for my taste, but the Cubs are sending off that “we’re about to crash and burn into fifth place” vibe, aren’t they?

This is just so Cub. They survive the roadtrip from hell, and Sammy Sosa’s trip to the podiatrist, and then they come home and lose four of six to the Pirates and Astros. Not only that, they looked bad doing it.

Now they start interleague play, where you just know they’ll find a way to bollocks up at least one of the Tampa Bay games and I’m already bracing myself for a Yankee pummelling this weekend.

But then you take a moment and realize that Sammy’s going to start hitting in a day or two, the pitching’s been pretty good (though a couple of bullpen implosions have hidden that) and Dusty won’t let the slide continue.

Right.

Right?

Oh, hell. I have no idea.

—
If the answer is Matt Williams than the question has to be, “Who’s the bald, over the hill third baseman who keeps marrying hot chicks?”

The question isn’t who should the Cubs sign to clog up third base for a few weeks until they realize he can’t play.

And, if you doubt the first question. We have exhibits A and B.

Exhibit A is the ex-Mrs. Matt Williams. Actress Michelle Johnson, best known for running around Brazil naked with Michael Caine in “Blame it on Rio.”

Exhibit B is the future ex-Mrs. Matt Williams, his fiancee and Phoenix TV hairdo Erika Monroe.

Let’s just say Matt’s “batting average” these days is a lot better than his batting average. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

Seriously, though. What good would bringing Williams in, do? He might, and I stress “might” put together a good second half, a la Gary Gaetti in 1998, or Vinny Castilla in 2001, but then what? The Cubs don’t just need to trade for Mike Lowell to fend off the evil Cardinals and Astros this year, but they need to get a good third baseman for the long haul for once. Most likely, Williams will sign with the Cubs for the minimum (after he and his enormous contract clear waivers–he’s still owed nearly $10 million in 2003, since for the year he’s being paid FOURTEEN point SEVEN million bucks), he’ll get a few hits, fire a few people up. He’ll buy his number from Paul Bako and then break his leg and fly home with his kids to Phoenix and never be heard from again.

Oh, yeah, and his leg breaking will occur on August 1, just in time for the trade deadline to pass and for Lowell to head back to Yankee Stadium. Sigh.

I wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t just retire altogether, though. He’s rich. He doesn’t want to make his kids move from Phoenix and his fiancee is hot. If I were him, I think I’d rub some SPF 18 on my pate and sit by the pool and listen to my money. But that’s just me.

—

The one Cubs win over the weekend was that amazing 16-inning one nuthin’ game on Saturday. I think we know that once the game goes past the 14th inning, that Todd Wellemeyer is your man, every time.

Not only did we see the Astros intentionally walk Corey Patterson to get to Sammy with the winning run on second base (gasp), but how about Carlos Zambrano’s performance? Is this guy a stud, or what? Steve Stone was even prompted to say that the only untradable Cubs on the pitching staff right now are Mark Prior (duh), Kerry Wood (but we’ll talk), and Carlos (agreed.)

Check out when Carlos gets into a jam and then pitches out of it. He walks off the mound, looks to the sky and mouths “thank you.” At least he knows two English words.

—

Next Saturday is going to be the mother of all overhyped battles. Roger Clemens v. Kerry Wood. Clemens going for 300. Only a complete dolt would want to see fat Roger win his 300th in Wrigley. Yeah, wait until you read what Mariotti put the doughnut down for today…

Every year one pitcher gets no run support and then pitches just poorly enough to lose. This year, and last year, it’s Kerry. But it makes my skin crawl when National League pitchers bitch about run support. Hey, it’s the National League. You’ve got a bat. How about driving somebody in yourself?

—

Before we get to the Dose, I need to address something that over the past couple of weeks has really bothered me. I think Chip Caray is in love with Craig Biggio.

No, wait. I’m serious. I think Chip has the same kind of crush on Craig Biggio that my sister had on her Jim Palmer Jockey underwear poster in 1982. I think that Chip gazes out at the Beeg from high atop Wrigley Field and pictures the two of them walking hand in hand, no…skipping, hand in hand down Michigan Avenue.

A few examples…
Though Biggio is a mediocre player at this stage in his career (.278 with 22 RBI and a .349 on base average as a leadoff man), and by most accounts is completely miscast in centerfield, Chip raved about him through seven games in the last 12 days.

He went on and on about how “no player has ever made the conversion from catcher to second baseman to centerfielder”. Yeah, that’s because the Astros weren’t smart enough to either force Jeff Kent to play third base and let Biggio stay at second where he had some value, or to bench Biggio and let Jason Lane handle center field.

At one point, he not only said Biggio was a Hall of Famer…(that Hall of Fame is located at 740 North Sedgwick in Chicago) but he read off Biggio’s numbers (at the time, .266 BA, six homers, 20 RBI) and said boldly that “he’s definitely in the running for an All-Star spot this year.”

Then, not five minutes later, Corey Patterson came to bat and WGN showed his stats (at the time, .321, 10 HR, 39 RBI) and said, “Steve, do you think Corey has a chance to be an All-Star?”

Huh? Wait, what part of .321, 10 and 39 compared to .266, six and 20 does Chip not get?

NO. CRAIG BIGGIO IS NOT A HALL OF FAMER! Right now, Ryne Sandberg isn’t a Hall of Famer. Biggio couldnt’ have carried Ryne’s jock around, you moron! AND NO! CRAIG BIGGIO IS NOT AN ALL-STAR! He might be the seventh best CENTER fielder in the National League, and MAYBE the 27th best outfielder in the league.

On Saturday, Biggio made a routine catch of a fly ball and Chip had to pause to change his shorts. Later on in the game, he would literally trip himself on the warning track after turning the wrong way twice (actually, I guess he turned the right way the first time and then turned the wrong way, oh, never mind…), fell down and played an out into a double. Chip went on about how brutal the wind was that day.

Enough.

—

Intrepid reader Dennis Jones sent in another troubling batch of photos.

Did you notice the uncanny resemblance between Eric Robert Rudolph and Flannel Boy? Just throw on a mustache, comb the hair back, and remove the dorky flannel shirt.

Eerie.

—

Rick Morrissey on the NBA coaching derby. All I know is that if I’m John Paxson, I’ve got Bill Cartwright and Rick Carlisle on speed dial. For completely different reasons.

Kerry lost…again, and then somebody hocked a loogie on his car.

Sammy called him Mr. Clemens. But I think Sammy thinks the Cubs are facing Mark Twain on Saturday.

The Sox are bad.

If Arizona wants to pay him $10 million to go away, what does that tell you?

Groucho’s making up trade rumors. Hey, did you see him on Outside The Lines yesterday? He spent the whole segment trying to dislodge some mucus from his throat. Hey, maybe HE was the guy who spat on the Woodmobile. Anyway, I’m going to say it one more time. Don’t trade Jay Williams.

I guess it wasn’t Bill Self after all. Charlie Villanueva says he’ll either play in the NBA next year or at UConn.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to prove..again..that he’s a dolt.

Sports Guy ranks the top 40 most indispensible players in the NBA.

I don’t think Paul Silas is ready for what he got himself into in Cleveland. I doubt that Bryce Drew’s mom was like LeBron’s.

Ric Bucher and his missing ‘k’ have no idea why Rick Carlisle got the boot.

Houston is trying to pick between Jeff Van Gundy and Mike Dunleavy. Why? Is there a rule they have to hire a bald guy?

Marty Burns’ mullet doesn’t know why Scott Skiles can’t get a job. I don’t think he’s bald enough.

Barbra Streisand is apparently running out of people (and reasons) to sue.

The fat Dixie Chick had a sore throat and they had to cancel a concert in Cleveland. She then tried to soothe her sore throat by eating a dozen pies.

Seriously, who didn’t already know that Richard Chamberlain was gay?

“Mirror, mirror, on the wall, ouch!”

Good stuff from a Brit who spent a day watching baseball in Chicago. Too bad he can’t spell.

America’s finest news source with this from Hank Wetzel, the self-proclaimed king of the Cincinnati group sex scene.