First off, I want to apologize for failing to get a CubsLive! thread started before I had to depart yesterday. I had remembered to do it at about 11 a.m. but I didn’t want to do it that early and distract you from the hilarity of yesterday’s Daily Dose…or something. Then, I was gone before noon and no CubsLive! Today’s schedule is similar, so CubsLive! will appear before 11 a.m.
The reason I was gone yesterday was that I was asked to serve as the celebrity cattle judge at the illustrious Boone County Fair, in lovely Belvidere, Illinois. Apparently, the good people of Boone County think I’m a fair judge of cattle talent. This should not be flattering to any of the girls I’ve dated over the years.
It probably has more to do with my own cattle showing expertise, which consisted of a couple of years in the mid ’80s when my main objective was to a) not look stupid in the red and white checked shirt that mom had picked out for me and b) to not get kicked by the cow. I succeeded on one of the two fronts, and you can probably guess which one I pulled off.
For those of you who’ve never been to Boone County, Illinois it’s sort of like this. It’s Missouri with shoes. But it’s full of Cubs fans, so that’s a redeeming quality, however it is also full of Packers fans and that, of course, made me violently ill. Either that or the slightly undercooked pork chop sandwich I had for lunch. Either way, not a good thing.
I’m not going to get deep into the cattle exhibition details, except to show you who won the big prizes yesterday.
The Reserve Grand Champion
Black Thunder, from Capron, Illinois
He was a little heavy through the midsection.
The Grand Champion
Nighttrain, from Hampshire, Illinois
You can practically taste the steaks just looking at him.
And, of course, The Best of Fair
Kirstie Alley!
Wow, that was a long way to go for a minimal payoff, wasn’t it?
Fine, they didn’t let me do any cattle judging at the fair. But I was there and my only connection with the Cubs game was stopping by the Dish Network booth and badgering the old guy into putting the Cubs game on. Then I badgered him as to why he sells the weenie Dish Network dish, when DirecTV is vastly superior. Let’s just say he got a little less cooperative after that.
I saw plenty of rain delay during my frequent visits to the Dish Network tent. I also saw Nomar’s homer to put the Cubs up in the seventh. I then checked back in the bottom of the eighth to see that it was 4-4 and my cell phone paged me a little later with the 5-4 score. I was so depressed I immediately went and tried to drown my sorrows in funnel cakes. Not a bad consolation, actually.
It wasn’t until I got home and read through the thread in yesterday’s Dose did I find that Bruce Froemming had struck again. Isn’t it time to put Bruce out to pasture? I’ll bet he’d enjoy a nice funnel cake. He’d probably go for the jumbo corn dog and the cheese covered hush puppies (I’m not making that up), too.
Here’s a handy tip. I went on a soda refill run and had two cups. One had a little Dr. Pepper residue in it, the other had the end of a Mountain Dew in it. I handed them to the carnie (not Wilson) separately and she refilled them. And yes, she still managed to put Dr. Pepper in the Mountain Dew one and Mountain Dew in the Dr. Pepper one. That’s not a good combo. You know how some kids will use the self-serve fountain at Subway or McDonald’s and mix a little of every flavor? They’re insane. That’s not good. Those kids need to be bludgeoned.
I spent eight and a half hours at a county fair yesterday. My IQ dropped 94 points just watching these people. A county fair is basically a trailer park, except you pay to get in and the trailers all sell fried dough of some sort. You know you’re at a county fair when two ladies admire each other’s clothes and then ask, “Which Shopko did YOU get that at?”
I saw not one but TWO guys hooked up to oxygen tanks…smoking. Now there’s a committment to a slow death.
Larry Walker would fit right in at the county fair. They actually had, and I wish I had a camera with me to prove this, a Rascal scooter with “off-road tires” on it. Because Grandpa needs to go offroading and the truck is just too cumbersome, apparently.
There was a very obviously mentally challenged young man whose job it was to blow up the balloons for the carnival game where they tape the balloons to the board and you throw darts at it to break the balloons and win fabulous (cheap) prizes. He was working hard, and anybody who works hard needs to be commended. The point is that he had a Cubs hat on.
This just proves the point I’m constantly trying to make. Even mentally challenged people are smart enough to not root for the Cardinals and White Sox.
Anyway, it was a long day and at the end, I saw the last three minutes of the Bears game. I saw that the hideous blue pants are back. I saw that Joe Odom can’t catch a football. I also heard Ditka go nuts and declare it was time to go home when Ahmad Merritt returned the kickoff inside the 20. Then Mr. Ed made a field goal and it was over.
So, when it comes to today’s Dose, I’m practically useless. I know, I know, you’re wondering, “What’s unusual about that, Andy?”
So screw you guys. Here are the links:
I think the penalties are caused from wearing ugly blue pants.
When Luh-loyd Carr is the voice of reason, you’ve got problems.
Bruce Froemming admitted he’s a blind dumbass. Or something.
Glendon’s around to pick up the slack if Woody misses a start.
Dusty says he and Sammy don’t have any problems. I think the problem is that Sammy’s bat is allergic to baseballs.
Speaking of fat dumbasses…Bernie Miklasz with his simplistic “effort” that was in yesterday’s St. Louis Dogpatch.
I think Sammy will come out of his slump by sticking Chris De Luca face down in a garbage can. I know it’d help me feel better about things. Give it a whirl, Sam.
The Bears pass rush proves that M.I.A isn’t just an underrated Foo Fighters’ song.
Apparently, Thomas Jones is off to a good start.
Bob Klapisch says that Clettitte is off to surgery and retirement. Nice pair, there.
Jason Giambi says he’s not undergoing radiation treatments. I am, but only accidentally. Sometimes when I’m making a baked potato I’ll open the microwave door too early.
Nice trade rumor here, a playoff choker for a guy likely to choke somebody during the playoffs.
If I’d told you yesterday morning that a governor would resign because of a gay love affair with an Israeli poet, you’d have figured it was either…
or
Now this is some breaking news!
America’s finest news source with the story of a Jacksonville bar patron who’s just hitting his stride after hitting on (unsuccessfully) five women.
No updates from Athens?????????
At the bottom of the dose today?
It’s a Rosenbloom/Bernstein combo on The Score today. I’ll bet Danny is a little nervous because he finally has a guy who will challenge him a little.
Stinky Stevie Rosenbloom to challenge someone? This is the same guy that thought up "Death Spiral Dick" was a hilarious moniker for Jauron.
Rosen-rosen’s schtick is played and hit over-reaching for "komedy" in his columns is painful to read. Color me unexcited to listen to the world through Rose-colored glasses.
2B-Walker .287/.370/.507
SS-Nomar .320/.362/.513
1B-Lee .297/.367/.554
3B-A-Ram .323/.371/.579
RF-Sosa .258/.342/.548
LF-Alou .272/.330/.521
CF-Korey .280/.335/.452
C-Barrett .287/.337/.477
P
Ok, so maybe it’s not official….
But it should be.
Did anyone catch the Bears game last night? My observation was that John Tait better stay healthy. When Q. Mitchell and Aaron Gibson were in there together, there were at least 2 instances where the Rams DE’s rushed around them and hit Jonathan Quinn at the same time.
It’ll be Ramon because my groin hurt again, Grud because he actually hit yesterday which means he can go for a 3 game hitless drought before Dusty even thinks of playing Walker instead, and Corey will lead off. Oh, and Lee will bat sixth. Because for all the changes that occur to the lineup each day, the logical ones never do.
Now in your freezer section.
Hah, I will be starting today because Maddux is pitching! I hope you guys like double plays!
I just want to say, I don’t even like New Jersey.
And we don’t like you either, Mike.
We were meant to be worn on your feet, not covered in cheese and eaten
I wouldn’t mind eating a cheese covered Hish Puppy right now
Sorry Julia, you’re food for us now.
None of the papers wrote about Sammy telling the fans to "F Off" after his third K?
I have no idea what you’re talking about, buddy!
Sure you do, Sammy.
I’m leaving The Late, Late Show. Is there any chance I could take Stu Scott’s job at ESPN?
Now the Chicago Tribune is throwing Wrigley Field concrete onto expressways!
http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/chi-040813concrete,1,3104314.story?coll=chi-news-hed
Who the fuck is Stu Scott? And why would someone as well known as Kilbourn want a job that someone no one has ever heard of has?
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