We interrupt today’s Daily Dose to bring you an important public service announcement.

Because we are the most full-service media source on the planet, we’ve taken it upon ourselves to provide you with yet another, free, useful service. In conjunction with Tom Ridge and the rest of the gang at the Department of Homeland Security, Desipio Media Ventures is proud to announce the development of the Chip Caray Terror Alert System. This Web site will carry the awesome responsibility of alerting the nation as to the level of Chip’s current panic at all times.

The Chip Caray Terror Alert System is patterned after the useful and very successful system developed for other terror activities by the Department of Homeland Security. In fact, since the US Terror Alert System was implemented, no large skyscrapers have been felled by terrorists crashing commercial jetliners into them.

We hope that the implementation of the Chip Caray Terror Alert System will provide our readers the same level of successful security from the inane blatherings of Chicago Cubs television announcer Chip Caray.

We understand that such a system can be complicated and confusing, so we’re here to walk you through the levels.

SEVERE: Full ass-clown status. Take cover immediately. Many things can trigger Chip to plunge into SEVERE status. It usually happens when someone makes fun of his uni-brow, or he’s forced to read those “Best Damn Sports Show Period” promos. Symptoms will include complete panic over any situation the Cubs find themselves in. Suddenly, the opponent’s pitcher will be the modern day equivalent of Walter “Big Train” Johnson, and the odds for Cubbie survival (in Chip’s mind) will become nil.

HIGH: Paranoid about Astros bullpen again. Of course, the Astros bullpen reference is merely a reminder to the type of paranoia that will grip Chip in times of HIGH terror risk. When this occurs he will find one horribly pointless fact to hammer into our heads for innings on end. If you have small children, it is advisable that you poke their eardrums out with a Phillips screwdriver. It’s for their own safety, and sanity.

ELEVATED: Actually thinks Albert Pujols is 23 years old. Again, the Pujols thing is just an example. But when Chip’s terror status becomes ELEVATED he will become severely delusional. Simple, obvious facts (like the concept that Pujols is really 35 years old) will confuse Chip. In fact, he might forget baseball rules, like he did in Baltimore when he said that if a team pinch hits for a designated hitter, that they lose the designated hitter. This of course is wrong, and proves Chip is a complete mental case.

GUARDED: Craig Biggio loving antecdote probable. In this case, this is not an “example” this is the actual symptom. A GUARDED status alert will be given whenever it seems likely that Chip can use his national television forum to declare his undying love for gay porn star (and Houston Astros) player Craig Biggio. In this event, we ask that you remove your pets from range of the television. They don’t need to be tormented like this.

LOW: Still pretending his marriage isn’t a sham. When Chip is in LOW terror status mode, he’s mainly harmless, although he will make up stories about how he’s married with a daughter and twin boys and how mommy and the kids live in Orlando year round because the weather’s so nice. Whatever, Chip.

Remember to check back to this Web site for constant updates on the Chip Caray Terror Alert System. We now return you to your regularly scheduled Daily Dose, already in progress.
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and the sheep says, “Hey, take it easy back there, buster.”

Oh, that’s a good one.

So Dusty brings in extra-innings relief specialist Todd Wellemeyer and the kid completely blows the game. What a loser.

Oh, OK, so he didn’t “blow” the game (Tom Goodwin’s batting exploits did that, mostly). It was nice to see Wellemeyer actually come in out of the bullpen. Two things about Chip Caray in that tenth inning.

First, he went on and on about Tom Goodwin “bobbling” the line drive to right field. The replays showed he made a very nice catch and didn’t bobble the ball. What does Chip thing “bobbling” is?

Second, he wanted to sound smart when he suggested the Cubs walk Sean Casey and pitch to Austin Kearns with two outs. Huh? Austin Kearns is the Reds’ best player. I don’t care about the stupid righty-righty matchup. If you can’t get Casey out, you sure as hell won’t get Kearns out. I think at moments like that, Steve wants to dig a hole in the booth and get in it.

Dusty is going to give Corey the day off today to get him some rest. Here’s an idea. How about excusing Corey from batting practice and letting him take a nap. How can a team with a terrible offense sit their best offensive player the day they finally get Sammy back? If you need me, I’ll be in the kitchen with my head in the oven.

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I was disappointed in last night’s Real World: Paris. Granted, there were some good parts. Mallory (dear, sweet, hot, hot, hot Mallory) getting hammered and telling Ace that she’ll “give myself to you when the cameras aren’t around” and then crying in the confessional that she wants to “pretend” to be a good girl, was priceless.

But how could the camera guy lose two drunk Americans in Paris? They stick out like El Pulpo’s extra digits. Now we’ll just have to wonder if Mallory gave in and left her virginity in some Paris alley. Sigh.

Leah needs some advice. So I’ll give her some. First, don’t wear a bandana and pig tails. Just don’t. Second, when you see that something bothers Adam, keep doing it. We all hate that little weasel.

I think CT is well on his way to being this season’s Brynn. Remember how Brynn wasn’t even in about half of the shows in Vegas? That’s our man CT. I can’t say I’m disappointed, though. He’s a dud.

Basically, here was last night’s show. Ace bought a bunch of liquor and a bunch of fruit. He mixed the liquor and the fruit into a bucket (that he had to clean a lot–so my theory is that Leah has puked in the bucket at some point). He then challenged 112 pound Mal to a drinking contest. She won.

Ace wore a powder blue tuxedo for the occasion. (I’m not making this up.)

The best prop of the show so far, that plastic viking helmet made an apperance as Adam apologized to Leah for being an ass. She acted like she was accepting his apology. But then she just put on the viking helmet and huffed off.

The next day Adam tried to get the gang to go to Paris with him to “meet some friends.” Huh? Ace and Mal ditched the rest of them and went on a drunken bender through Paris. Mal threw herself at Ace (lucky Ace) and among other things, flipped off the camera, cried about the presence of the cameras and offered to hump Ace if he could get rid of the cameras.

They stumbled home, drunk and Mallory revealed she’d lost her purse. In her purse were the normal womanly things, her credit cards, her keys, Ace’s manhood, and Leah’s passport. Leah freaked out when told her passport was missing.

The next morning, Ace was reading an e-mail from his Georgia peach of a girlfriend, Kate, and Leah took the opportunity to remind Mal that Ace has a “really pretty girlfriend.” Leah’s evil. But I like it.

Ace, Mal and CT went back to town to try and find the purse. Good luck. Right?

They did find it. Everything was there (the camera guy probably picked it up) except Leah’s passport.

Back at the chateu du Skank, Mal tells Leah she has good news and bad news. The good news is that she found her purse, the bad news is that it looks like Leah found an extra ten pounds last week. No, wait, the bad news was no passport.

Leah grabs the purse and pulls out her passport. You can tell Mal wasn’t at Iowa State on an academic scholarship, can’t you?

The show ends with Mal on the phone, getting bitched out by her mom who’s warning her not to “embarass them.” Uh…too late.

Next week, Julie Chen gets her own episode and she yells at CT! Whoo!
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Intrepid reader Dennis Goodman was at the Great American Ballpark again last night, and he filed more observations about the game, and the player intro songs.

As if the sound man at the GAB is an intrepid reader himself, the Stones “Start Me Up” played last evening right after the lineups were announced. Sadly, no more tear jerking 80s love ballads were featured.

The only thing featured that jerked tears was the Cubs offense. Goodwin hit for the out cycle as he struck out, grounded out, popped out, lined out and flew out. 5 ABs for six total outs due to one DP.

Plus, since Dusty feels this is a good time to rest Patterson, he will probably get to play again tonight.
Bellhorn hits a game winning homer against the Cardinals and gets bench while Goodwin creates six
outs and plays.

You’ll remember yesterday, Dennis observed that Juan Castro came to the plate to a rendition of the Bonnie Tyler classic, “Total Eclipse of the Heart.” Maybe Juan really liked the movie “Old School” which contains a hilarious version of that song, sung by the band at Frank the Tank’s wedding. Great stuff. I loved “Old School.”

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Dusty says that Sean Casey has a dagger and Austin Kearns has a sword. I’m just going to leave the homoerotic jokes to you guys. Yeesh. Too easy. Way too easy.

Sammy’s tired of the cork questions. I’m tired of reading about it.

Hee Seop Choi is grateful for all of the support he got from the fans. He feels great, is ready to go get a few ABs in Iowa and will be appearing at a karaoke bar near you, belting out the hits of Anne Murray!

Paul Sullivan answers reader questions about Sammy’s goattee and why Pam is in the Cubs dugout. Pam who? Pam Dawber?

Kerry gets no support.

The Sox are blaming it on the ump. Nice.

Dan McGrath enlightens Dusty on the Cubs-Sox rivalry.

Parlez vous draft bust? Why do I think this guy is the French Dennis Hopson?

Mariotti’s 14th column on Sammy and the cork is predictably terrible.

Three words for Rap: Corey Patterson. Dumbass.

The Wizard of Roz says that Dave Veres and Darryl Kile were like brothers. Another reason to not like Dave Veres.

Mike Imrem thinks Todd Hundley for Gruddy and Karros was a steal for the Cubs. Gee, ya think?

Remember how Big East commissioner Mike Tranghese was so mortified that the ACC would try and “steal” three of his teams? His hypocrisy knows no bounds.

A 7’5 Russian has been diagnosed with a pituitary problem. Really? You don’t say?

Rick Reilly on Tiger Woods’ “slump.”

The Sopranos will be back for a fifth season (shooting now) and a sixth (shooting in 2017).

Nobody watched the NBA Finals (I didn’t, either) or The Osbournes. Well, I did watch them.

A nine year old Indian girl married a dog. Yeah, I’m glad these people are building the bomb.

Also in India, they’re having donkeys get married so it will rain. Man, the Indians have about as much respect for marriage as Americans do.

Nothing’s cuter than a baby seal. There is no cuter killing than bludgeoning one with a stick.

Oh, those crazy morning radio guys in Miami. Now they’re pulling prank phone calls on Castro.

A Florida delivery man is accused of masturbating with Meals on Wheels food containers. Let’s hope it wasn’t rice pudding day.

A Pakistani woman is pregnant. She’s 79 years old. OK, India can have the bomb now.

Al Gore wants his own cable news network. Oooh, can you feel the electricity? Why not just give him MSNBC? Nobody watches the damn thing anyway.

Pat Buchanan says Arnold Schwarzenengger could be Governor of California by October. I hear he’s actually come back from the future to save us all.

America’s finest news source with some info on Hillary’s new book.