As the 2004 season gets smaller and smaller in our rearview mirror, one thing becomes painfully obvious.
The Cubs were full of dopes last year.
Some were obvious. We knew Chip Caray was a dope from the moment he opened his yapper. We knew Wendell Kim was a dope from the first time he sent a runner to his death 72 feet in front of home plate. Kent Merkcer and Steve Stone earned their own little spots in dopedom, too.
The Cubs had a dope in left field who peed on his hands.
They had a dope in right field who thought his spot in the batting order was set in stone, when in fact, it’s just a list of who bats after who. Even little leaguers know that.
They had a dope on the pitching staff who looked at the bullpen during tough innings like he was trying to find a lost puppy, and another dope who wore pants so tight that they cut off all circulation to his brain.
And now, we find out that the training room was full of dopes. Well, at least two.
You had the dope who was too lazy to fill out some papers and send the State of Illinois a check so that he’d acutally be certified for the job.
Then, you had another dope whose main job seemed to be to sit on the bench during games and try and get as much camera time as possible. He was part of a training staff that oversaw the public misdiagnosis of enough injuries to make you think that this guy was the team doctor:
Hi, everybody!
And so the camera-loving, fish-mouthed dope can’t figure out why he lost his job. What I can’t figure out is why more guys didn’t lose their jobs after the season the Cubs had.
But I loved the fact that in his press conference yesterday, Sandy Krum (the fish-mouthed dope, if you’ve lost track), said, “Not only did the Chicago Cubs break the law, this activity is indeed what led to prolonged stays on the disabled list for the Cubs’ 2004 team.”
That’s right, because nobody in the training room could diagnose an injury because one of them didn’t have his license transferred from Arizona to Illinois. They didn’t even know what an Achilles tendon was because one of them didn’t fill out his paperwork. They had no clue which arm Kerry Wood used to pitch with because the team’s orthopedists were blinded by the lack of a piece of paper that looks just like the one your barber has tacked to his mirror.
Look, the fact that Dave Groeschner was too lazy to get the proper certification for his job, and the fact that the Tribune Company and the Cubs didn’t bother to require him to do so is a bad thing. But let’s not pretend that whether or not Dave got that piece of paper had anything to do with the treatment players got. If he was incompetent, he would have been just as incompetent with his Illinois license as without it.
What I’m more worried about is the new Cubs’ trainer, Mark O’Neal comes to the club from St. Louis, where he worked for longtime Tony LaRussa toady Barry Weinberg. Weinberg’s most recent public statement was that he didn’t think the team needed to do a physical on Mark Mulder because, “I used to work for the A’s.” This despite the fact that Mulder has what is likely a chronic hip injury, has slumped terribly in the second half of the past two seasons and there are concerns about his dramatic dropoff in velocity last year. But hey, since you “used to work for the A’s” it must mean that anybody you get from them is completely healthy. Granted, Mulder wasn’t all roided up like the Giambi boys, but everybody gets hurt eventually. That’s why teams hire trainers and doctors and really hot massage therapists.
————–
The Bulls won their fifth in a row and seventh game in nine tries, and last night they did it on the road, against the defending NBA champions. Sure, Larry Brown had another adolescent breakdown, but even that couldn’t ruin a big win for the Bulls, who are suddenly 9-15 and play 10 beatable teams in their next ten games. Could .500 by mid-January be a possiblity?
In a previous Dose, I sobered up long enough to claim that the Bulls have two guys who could eventually become big-time, take big shots, get all the calls, superstar kind of guys. I singled out the two first rounders from this year, Luol Deng and Ben Gordon.
Gordon made some huge jumpers last night and continues to play with no fear at all. I’m still confident in my prediction that Luol and Ben will be Butch and Sundance someday for the Bulls, but now I’m not so sure which one of them is going to be Butch and which one will be Sundance.
Wait, I know what you’re thinking. Not that kind of Butch.
Oh, you know what I meant.
————
The Illini got their first real test of the season last night against Missouri, and while they had a 16 point second half lead and Mizzou cut it to five with less than three minutes to go, if you watched the game, now matter how excited (overly-excited, acutally) Brent Musberger got, the Illini were never in any real danger of losing that game.
It helped that Mizzou isn’t very good, and that their coach would fit in on the 2004 Cubs. Yes, Quinn Snyder is a complete dope. But you know how those rivalry games are in college basketball and football. Anything can happen.
Deron Williams arrived just in time, and Luther Head played great, well, except for a couple of ridiculously bad shots he took on successive trips with about ten minutes to go. But all, in all, it was a good win for the Illini because for once they had to finish a game on the floor, not by standing on the sidelines watching Fred Nkemdi perfect the rare walk-on slam dunk.
I actually saw Fred play when he was at Morton College. Oh, he was a star. Much in the same way that Jared Reiner is starring for the Bulls.
Anyway, I normally like the TV stylings of Steve Lavin, but maybe it was because the game was kind of a dud, or maybe it was because it was loooooong, but he kept going on about what a great coach Quinn Snyder is. The problem, Steve, is that we all know you’re wrong.
You can fellate him on national TV all you want (well it was ESPN2, that’s kind of like national TV), but he’s still a guy who let his assistants run willy-nilly and pay players, and he’s still a guy who let his assistants set up no-show jobs for his players and if you think he really didn’t know it was going on, well, Mizzouri has the naming rights to an arena they’d like to sell you.
————–
Since this will be the last Dose of the year, I thought I’d take a moment to say some nice things about some people.
But screw that. Have a Merry Christmas and let’s hope 2005 doesn’t suck quite as badly as 2004 did.
And as always, thanks for reading, and throwing in your two cents.
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Ben Gordon was clutch for the suddenly unstop-a-bulls.
Phil Rogers wonders if the White Sox should build around Paul Konerko. Build what, a Fuddruckers? Besides, you can’t trade him, every fat girl on the South Side would have to go out and buy a new jersey to wear around.
Groucho wonders why there’s so much hype over Shaq and Kobe. I wonder?
The Sox signed El Duque. Why, wouldn’t Juan Marichal return their calls. Seriously, El Duque? He’s 45 years old and his arm is literally falling off. Hey why not give him the $8 million you saved by trading Carlos Lee for a leadoff guy who can’t get on base? This plan is gold, Kenny! Gold!
Sandy Krum just comes off as pathetic, doesn’t he? Maybe it’s the hair, or the sunken eyes or that Billy Bass mouth? I just can’t place it. Just stay off my TV, creepy.
Mariotti puts down the doughnut for this tirade against the Cubs.
The Giants have signed Moises Alou. He’s going to play right field. Excuse me while I laugh until my spleen hurts. Hey, at least he can just climb up the wall and whiz into McCovey Cove during long innings.
It’s acknowledged that Olin Kreutz is not playing well. It’s acknowledged that the Bears’ defense is. So it makes perfect sense that Olin’s the lone Bears Pro Bowler. He’s played like a pro bowler this year. Pete Weber.
The Astros have given Carlos Beltan at least $96 million reasons to park his mole at Minute Maid Park next year.
I like JD Drew more than most, but five years and $55 million? No sale.
The Red Sox are paying $1.5 million guaranteed for Wade Miller. The Astros, who are currently pencilling the great Pete Munro into their rotation and who might lose Roger Clemens, decided not to keep Wade. What’s that tell you about his right rotator cuff? Hmm?
Mike Kiley (just back from catching the bouquet at Sammy’s publicity-stunt “wedding”) says the Dodgers don’t want Sosa.
Bruce Miles says, not so fast.
The Mets were after Richie Sexson (Mariners), JD Drew (Dodgers), Moises Alou (Giants), Orlando Cabrera (Angels), etc. They got Pedro (fools) and unless they land Carlos Delgado, they ain’t getting nothing else. Oh, Jim Hendry? Omar Minaya on line one.
The NL Pennant is secure in St. Louis! Ooh, plan the chitlin-tape parade! They’ve re-signed So Taguchi and signed Mike Myers! Oh, and they want David Eckstein. Whatever.
These Sports Guy cartoons are actually getting less funny. How’s that possible?
Wanny might end up at Pissburgh after all. They deserve that hare-lipped bastard.
Spanish-yes.com’s Kelly Dwyer says that November 24 was a turning point for the Bulls and Jazz.
$50K for a cat? Aren’t they like, free to good homes?
Wait, you mean Fox’s “Who’s your daddy?” show is creating a furor? Who saw that coming?
Lloyd Grove says he’s had it with Paris Hilton. Hasn’t everybody?
Sure the pansy bastards won’t help out in Iraq, but they’ll mug Santa Claus.
America’s finest news source with some recalled toys.
Hey Grove, you’re lucky I’m hurt and stuff, or I’d go out to Washington and introduce myself to you. What’s this?
SHE HAS DISTRESSING TASTE IN MEN: Yes, Paris once dated blue-chip movie star Leonardo DiCaprio, back in the last century, but the quality of her boyfriends seems to have declined – and steeply – after that. Among her many, many paramours: occasional rehab denizen Edward Furlong, womanizer Jared Leto, "Girls Gone Wild" promoter Joe Francis, notorious porn purveyor Salomon, shrill punk-rocker Deryck Whibley, "Australian Idol" contestant Robert Mills and bubblegum crooner Nick Carter – who denied causing the bruises that suddenly showed up on her face last summer.
Bad taste in men? BAD TASTE IN MEN? Fuck you, Grove.
:::Lloyd Grove says he’s had it with Paris Hilton. Hasn’t everybody?:::
I haven’t had anything with Paris. I must be the only one in America who hasn’t.
You’re not missing much, Chuck.
1) Krumm also worked with Santo on his various ailments. Ronnie would mention, for instance, that when he thought he was having a grabber, he’d called Krumm. I wonder what he thinks. If he’s awake, that is.
2) I love how the Tribune, in a print version blurb, dares to even suggest that the Bulls–who haven’t won 5 straight in nearly SEVEN years–can now simply go 10-0 just because they’re playing 9 sub-.500 teams (which, incidentally, is what the Bulls are–BY SIX GAMES. IN DECEMBER. In case you’re wondering, that’s not a good thing.) Typical modern day overhype. Such is the world we live in, I guess. Still makes my sack itch to see that.
They’ll crash now, you watch.
"Besides, you can’t trade him, every fat girl on the South Side would have to go out and buy a new jersey to wear around."
Oh, me likey. Beeeeg business. So much fablic. I fir up whoe container. Oh, I buird big house, bigger than fat girl shirt.
Merry Chirstmas, Andy. Thanks for the fun.
The Cubs will thrive in ’05.
Or something.
Cheers.
Was Chuck a guest on my show on The Score last night around 10:30?
When the Hell are the Cubs going to do something! This team sucks, I’m sick of this crap. Hendry you POS lush, get off your can and earn your pay, dipshit!
#7, I heard that call, too. The caller was an expert on everything, and Murph was kissing his hiney. Sounded like our Chuck.
Someone called in WSCR last night and used my name? I’ll bet they parroted everything that I wrote today!
Probably even got some back door Paris Hilton time, too.
Bastard!
P.S. Anyone know how to get lipstick off the back of my jeans?
Chuck fessed up on the comments of The Cub Reporter that it was him.
He could’ve told Murph he was Donald Rumsfeld and he would’ve believed it.
I see the Astros are taking a page from the Tom Hicks book of bidding.
No one else has made an official offer, but the Astros are increasing their offer.
Happy Holidays (and to all, some good nights)! :)
Not just a good night. A great night!
Mmm, Davey Eckstein!
Have a Cool Yule and a Frantic First
What the hell is Hendry doing? Why won’t he get out of his f***ing coma so he can somehow help the Cubs. Damn you Hendry!
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