Somewhere in the grand post-trading deadline plan of the Cubs’ “braintrust” the healthy arrivals of three former rookies of the year, Nomar Garciaparra (AL ’97), Kerry Wood (NL, ’98) and Scott Williamson (NL, ’99) were supposed to fire up the fan base, invigorate the team and push the club to serious playoff contention.
Yeah, does anybody really think that’s going to happen? Come on, admit it, you’re going to watch tonight to see if three things happen.
1) Nomar’s lower torso completely snaps off as he tries to beat out a 14 hopper to shortstop
2) We see Kerry warming up in the bullpen and then five seconds later they show the bullpen again and Glendon Rusch is warming up because Kerry’s shoulder has fallen off again
3) You want to see how Scott Williamson is going to cram all that hair under his hat.
Better TiVo this baby!
We famously declared the Cubs’ season dead after they blew that 5-1 lead in Cincinnati when Greggy nearly fainted on the mound and Bob Novoa balked in the tying run. But the truth is that the season has died a slow death, and that most likely the horrific back-to-back series against Arizona at home and Philly on the road when the Cubs went 2-5, when they could least afford to probably pulled their feeding tube.
They’re barely holding off the Brewers right now, and in fact, fourth place is a real possibility when you go to bed tonight.
Now we get news that Jerry the Lesser is out for at least two weeks and maybe the season with torn ligaments in his left arm (he got them doing the Half Edmonds, a complicated manuever that involves diving after a ball that you aren’t even in the same area code as–the Full Edmonds is when you slow down on a routine flyball and dive at it for no reason).
So the Cubs have to find a center fielder for at least two weeks. I’m sure the Dustbag would be happy to just run Jose Macias out there, completely ignoring the fact that now would be a good time to play Matt Murton and have either Matt Lawton or Jeromy Burnitz play center. Dusty acts like it’s foolish to play either of those guys in center, but he had a second baseman there for a month and nobody really seemed to notice.
The Cubs have to make room for four guys today because somebody will come up to take Hairston’s spot as he goes on the DL.
What seems likely is that Ronny Cedeno, Mike Wuertz, and Sergio Mitre will get sent packing. It’d be nicer if the Cubs DFA’d the always useful Mike Remlinger and Macias, but we’re not holding our breath.
So who comes up to play center? Dusty first indicated he thought it’d be Corey Patterson, but I have a feeling that Dusty’s not really in the loop when it comes to roster moves anymore. I think Jim Hendry proved that when he gave him Matt Murton and Adam Greenberg instead of Trent Hubbard and Calvin Murray back in early July.
Murray’s name has been tossed around in the media because Felix Pie’s still nursing a sore foot and nobody’s sure if Corey’s time out in Iowa is over yet.
If you’re Jim Hendry and you call Calvin Murray up you do two dumb things. First, you give Dusty a crusty, useless vet to play every day and two, you force a needless move on the 40 man roster. Calvin’s not on it and should never be on it again.
Why not just call Greenberg back up? He’s recovered from his concussion and is back in the lineup at West Tenn. It’d be nice to see Dusty forced to use either Murton or Greenberg on occasion (although this move makes an OF of Hollandsworth-Burnitz-Lawton, almost a guarantee).
And if Dusty does go with that outfield alignment, it’d just be so Dusty. Lawton’s not a real right fielder and Burnitz isn’t a real centerfielder, so instead of playing one guy out of position (Lawton–who’s not a real CF’er either), Dusty will play two guys out of position.
This is nearly as dumb as Phil Garner using second baseman Chris Burke in LF so he can leave The Beege at second.
Let’s pause for a moment to think about how dumb Phil Garner is.
Now think about how he’s outmanaged the crap out of Dusty for a year and a half. Ahh, yeah, that sucks.
———————
Phil Rogers wrote about how Dusty could very well be entering his last days as Cubs’ manager. I think that’s true. The Cubs would love for him to leave for another team or quit, and I think you’re going to see them fire all (or most) of his coaches his offseason as a way to urge him to leave.
The problem with Rogers’ scenario, which is ideal in many ways, of having the Dodgers ask to hire Dusty and allow the Cubs to be free of the final year of Dusty’s contract, is that I can’t see the current Dodgers’ administration wanting Dusty.
There are several reasons why they won’t go after Dusty, even if the Cubs take the big step and can him in the offseason.
1. Their owner, Frank McCourt, is cheap. Some folks think he has no money, most think he has just enough to run the Dodgers, but not a penny more. Either way, the Dodgers new manager will be low profile and cheap. They’ll go after another Jim Tracy.
2. Even if McCourt was willing to pay Dusty, his General Manager, Paul DePodesta would have nothing to do with Dusty. DePodesta was Billy Beane’s right hand man long enough to absorb Beane’s philosophy that the manager is an extension of the front office. The front office comes up with theories on how best to use the players (batting order, what innings to use relievers in, etc.) and the manager’s job is to play those out. In a perfect world, Dusty would embrace this set up, because it would hide all of his deficiencies as a manager. His inability to construct a lineup and manage a bullpen would be less destructive. But Dusty wouldn’t have any of that. You know it, I know it, Bob Dole knows it and Paul DePodesta knows it.
3. Dusty might be a fit if McCourt fired his boy genius GM, but he’s not going to do that. McCourt has bought into the “Moneyball” thinking and while he might have some doubts about DePodesta’s ability to translate those theories (the simplest being to look for market inefficiencies — ex: a few years ago when teams were overpaying for players with high batting average and RBI numbers even if those players had lousy on base and slugging numbers) into wins, DePodesta will get to fire his current manager and give it a go with a new one before he’s on the chopping block himself. And there’s no way that DePodesta would turn to Dusty’s brilliance to try and save his job, too.
I believe Rogers’ assertion that Dusty and his “people” leaked his interest in the Cubs in 2002 to open that door for him. It wouldn’t surprise me if Dusty and his “people” did the same thing about the Dodgers job. I just don’t think that Dusty has a realistic chance of getting that job. It’s too bad. It’d be great for the Cubs to get a manager who will actually play the players who deserve it, and it would great for the Cubs to have the Dodgers held down by Dusty.
Rogers notes that Dusty’s teams average about 90 wins a season.
That’s nice. Of course he had Barry Bonds every season from 1993 to 2002, I think I could average 90 wins with Barry. Felipe Alou won more than 100 in his first Barry season and 90 more last year.
What we see in Dusty is that he’s a manager who won’t screw up a veteran team. He’ll let them run the show, police themselves, etc. If that team is good, they’ll win. If it’s bad, they’ll lose. Dusty will have little effect on their record. Give him younger players, ones who need some guidance and some (gasp!) coaching and he’s lost, and so is his staff.
2003 was a mirage, we now know. It shouldn’t have been. It should have been the beginning of a great run, but what it was, was a fluke year when 88 wins was enough to win the NL Central. It hadn’t been before and it hasn’t been since.
If the Central regresses to that the Cubs are in business. You want to wait to see when or if that happens again?
Neither do I.
Teddy G. on Monday Night Football, Screamin’ A. Smith and Lou Holtz.
Mark Prior has now given up seven earnies in the first inning of two “hot” starts. Maybe if he went to a real college and not USC he’d know how to deal with a little moisture on his hand?
Just the fact that you have talk about pitchers covering first base in August should be grounds for dismissal.
Is this something the NCAA should really be worried about?
Brian Urlacher says it’s time he won something. I agree.
Bears’ defensive backs say they’ll “go easy” on Marty Booker. Oh, that’s a nice habit to get into.
23,00o suckers is more like it.
Mariotti puts down the doughnut for a pointless column about Brian Urlacher. This is the worst kind of crap that Jay writes, when he gets something interesting like Urlacher fathering two kids within two weeks of each other, but has no clue how to incorporate it into anything readable or interesting. This column just sucks.
Mike Kiley gives up on the Cubs. Man, when this guy gives up, it’s over.
It’s off to the DL for Jerry.
Same old crap here, except for this interesting quote from Scott Williamson.
“The more I throw, the harder it’s going to get.”
I DO NOT want to know what he’s talking about.
Tim Kurkjian says the Cubs are screwed.
Sports Guy was obviously inspired by the amount of Ron Burgundy quotes in a Dose this week, and he devoted the first of a two part snooze fest on the NBA to quotes from Anchorman. It’s worth reading, but only for the lines from the movie. The rest is, as Ron Burgundy would say, “Spanish for, ‘a whale’s vagina.'”
America’s finest news source with the tale of a first-time author who is constantly asking his wife what it’s like to be a woman.
That picture reminds me of a Jefferson Airplane album cover.
tonight, thanks to my return, we start a 10 game winning streak.
I’ll hit .354 during the streak.
Hey, the only reason we are gonna take it easy on Book is because we want to follow the Cub’s lead. We spoke with Dempster, Lee and Dusty, and they thought it was the right thing to do. Why can’t all teams in this great city of ours be filled with pussies?
Not so fast there Nomar.
What time do the roster moves get released?
Yeah #3, especially if we continue getting the job done, right?
Bob Dole knows it? Bob Dole knows what?
“I’m proud of you fellas. You all kept your head on a swivel, and that’s what you gotta do when you find yourself in a vicious cock fight.”
We’re released in time for Dave Kaplan to read them on the pregame show…so bet on 5 o’clock or so.
Stop saying “released!”
Tonight I’ll watch the game while eating a beautiful salad. The dressing is something I made and the recipe is “top secret”, but, Ok I’ll tell you…it’s a dressing made with vinegar, paprika, oregano and spicy crotons.
You guys couldn’t say anyting? Nothing? Even the retarded guy said SOMETHING!
I regret this decision immediately! They looked so much smaller from up there!
Hi guys! Here’s part two of my Ron Burgundy-fest!
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/050805
ESPN does a shitty job of “embargoing” my columns. You can just change the date in the link to see if I’ve got a new one coming later that day.
“I don’t know how to put this, but I’m kind of a big deal”.
All I’m hoping for is that the Cubs play well against St.L and Houston. If they can win more than they lose against those teams and play over .500 ball I’ll get something out of this season. I expect them to make major changes to the OF next year. They have to. That circus of queers has been murder on my eyes and ears all year long.
“If they can win more than they lose against those teams and play over .500 ball I’ll get something out of this season.”
You got and over/under bet on .500? Otherwise, what else is there to “get” from a non-playoff season?
Cub’s need another SP too! Some bullpen help would’nt hurt either. A new captain leading the ship as well as getting rid of some of the chumps taking up space.
P.S. Barrett has to pull his head out of his as too!
Lat year, the season came crashing down at me.
Will teh reverse happen today? Will the Cubs beging their 38-16 string to finish the season and steal the Wildcard, beginning tonight, at me?
Naaa. Didn’t think so.
Honestly, why don’t the Mets move their rotation around so we get a Maddux-Glavine matchup tomorrow and we can who has decayed more?
Chuck,
A bad liver?
I will smash your face into a car windshield and then take your mother, Dorothy Mantooth, out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again!
This is getting regoddamndiculous!
I don’t know how to put this but I’m kind of a big deal.
Hey Pilgrim, that was mine first, and don’t you forget it. “It’s gettin to be regoddamndiculous”
Dude, you need to refresh more.
RE: #22
Dorothy Mantooth is a saint! You understand me? Dorothy Mantooth is a saint!
The Cubs better not make room for the three new crackers by dissing any of the bruthas. I’m just sayin’…Colt 45 isn’t just a fine malt liquor, foshizzle??
That matchup… “It stings the nostrils”.
Apparently, I’m not in an ensuing mood today.
First, the Cubs are catching the worst of the Mets’ rotation (no Pedro), so I can live with these match-ups. However, they have to take 2 of 3 (minimum).
Second, I don’t know what’s funnier/stranger: where Andy gets the photos to paste on, or the actual pastings themselves.
And lastly (make fun of us hockey geeks if you want), it’s been a long time since a Chicago sports franchise has made a free-agent acquisition of a player the caliber of Nikolai Khabibulin. This is an elite goalie who can carry a team a long way in the playoffs. People made fun of the NHL lockout, but the owners accomplished what they set out to do: break the union, lower salaries, and keep prices in line. The Blackhawks knew this was coming (Wirtz is a huge player in that lock-out) and dumped a bunch of salary in ’03-’04 so they’d be way under the cap when play resumed. They still have money to sign an offensive player like Paul Kariya, Teemu Selanne or Ziggy Palffy, and they have shored up their defense tremendously. Again, feel free to join me and CT on the Blackhawks’ Bandwagon!
Hello Chicago!
Question:
Who makes more stupid laws/rules?
Congress
or
The NCAA
This is a tough one.
I might need that picture of Johnny Damon’s wife to get my brain going…
Yall suck more than I do. Im gettin paid, plus I get to eat whatever I want while the game’s being played AND hump lots of girls who are not my wife. Jealous
I’m with Dave B., we have hope now. Sign me up.
Johnny Damon’s wife has an UGLY face. I wouldnt never give her my number asking her to call my while giving speeches at colleges.
I going back to bed, Im too high on aspirin to be playin this shit
Yea, or nay?
If the Hawks sign Mark Messier, dude, I’m on that bandwagon!
I’m 174 years old, which makes me 34 in hockey years.
This doesn’t have to be censored here:
Announcer: You’re watching Channel 4 News with five-time Emmy award-winning anchor Ron Burgundy and Tits McGee.
Veronica Corningstone: Good evening, San Diego. I’m Veronica Corningstone. Tits McGee is on vacation.
Ron Burgundy: And I’m Tits… I’m Ron Burgundy.
One more picture and you owe us royalties.
I am good at three things: Fighting, screwing, and reading the news. I’ve already done one of those today, so what’s the other one gonna be? Huh?
long time after being fired, the word “dude” will still be heard and typed at Desipio…
It’s been real, dudes!!
Anything Christina Applegate wants to do is OK with me. Yum.
Anyone up for a White Russian??
Better way late then never.
Dude??
Dude??!!!! (Anton Kutcher only)
Or Duder, His Dudeness or El Duderino if you’re not into that whole brevitything.
Am I gone?
Brave!
Of all the acquisitions that Hendry has made, you gotta wonder what he was thinking when he went after Dusty. The fact that the Giants’ front office, media, and fans shed no tears or exhibited no worries after he left following a World Series event should have shot up some flares. Anyone who has watched Dusty manage since he’s been in Chicago (especially the past season and a half) has to realize that he pulled the wool over the Cubs’ management’s eyes. Not only has he not done real well in area of game/bullpen strategy, he has done exactly the opposite of what he was supposed to bring to team: a unifying manager who everyone loved to play for and a guy who was going to lure good players here. This team has sadly struggled fundamentally on the field, has been a disaster in public/media relations, and has just been generally stagnant and stinky under Dusty.
wouldnt never=would
mind the double negatives dude
looks like today could be my last day as a cub.
I don’t blame dusty, in reality using me now is far worse than sprinkling your lunch with gasoline.
I can’t tell you how jazzed I am with the Hawks right now. It’ll be interesting to see what they do with Thibault now. We haven’t see a netminder this good since the Eagle. Plus, we’ve got the makings of a very good defense. Now if we could only field a team deeper than 2 lines…..
At this stage is a step up from a good deal of the competition. Has anyone been this excited about the Hawks since the early 90’s? I’m almost crapping my pants with joy at this signing.
my contacts tell me Mike Modano to the blackhawks, sometime today.
can the bears just let time pass and never sign Benson.
I hope that happens.
or better yet, sign him and stick him on special teams, don’t let him touch the ball all season. That would be sweet.
My sources say Sakic, Tanguay, and Hejduk for Steve McCarthy. Is this on anyone’s radar?
And Stevie Y. for the 2007 3rd round pick. Anyone hear about this?
only good thing about me is that gary thorne will leave baseball broadcasts.
problem with us is that we want to get paid for something we haven’t done yet.
#59, you’re high.
#38, Bad face + great boobs = Jessica Biel. Do with that what you will.
Andy, What you said about Dusty/media leaks/Dodgers/McCourt makes all the sense in the world. Damn!! Dammit all to hell….
I wanna get paid bitches!
My teammates will understand why I am being a selfish little bitch, won’t they?
So I guess I’ll be added to the 40 man roster now?
Hey Hawk fans, I’m available. You know I have Hawk blood running through my veins. We need to get Chely’s 80 year old ass back here too, and then let’s get this party started.
After we shove Old Man Wirtz under Dave Matthews’ bus, that is.
JR, you just got traded to the Kings yesterday, are they sick of you already?
Hollywood is in Hollywood.
JR is a stud. I’d kill to have him back.
JR may be a decent hockey player but he sure is an obnoxious coke head!
Remember when J.R., Zhamnov, and Amonte nicknamed their line at Philly me?
It’s a celebration bitches!
#69: Chely Wright is not 80. Mid-30s and still hot.
Chelios re-signed with the Red Wings, Amonte signed with Calgary, and JR is in LA.
My source tells me that Chely Wright is indeed, hot. Does anyone have “MILF Seeker” on their radar??
im baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack
please god, no!
Hold on, let me check with one of my front office sources.
Hoops
I just said that Marino went to school at West Virginia. That means there is probably a fatwah being put out on me in the Burgh as we speak.
I’ve just signed in one last time to announce my intentions to retire from message board prognostication. Fox has me doing a Television special where I pretend to contact stupid white people’s family members by cold reading them. Apparently a non-white has never done this show on tv and they are giving me a shot!
ps- no PREMIUM refunds. Go F your mother.
Hoops (Im RICH BIATCH)
Dave B, I ask you yet again to name a manager who has ever been responsible for “luring good players” onto his team.
Lessor, Meat Tray and Sling Blade…………..gone
per mlb.com
Moves, I has broken then story hours ago, I hate you and want to smash you in the face with a folding chair.
Hoops, you know America is never going to accept a non-white in a role like that.
OHHHH NOOOOOOOOO
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
sob sob
for assignement?
OOOOHHHH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
What happened is, I called my doctor and told him I was a little hoarse.
How was I supposed to know?
ANyone miss me yet?
Hoops
I’m still here…and I have a scoop. Griffey(assuming he clears waivers) to the Devil Rays for Joe Borowski and Alex Gonzalez. Anyone hear about this?
Hoops
That deal will not happen my friend. Trust me.
Will I be patrolling center field tonight?
91 probably, let me check with Darren what lineup he wrote
Da Gremmm-len
Da Ray-das
If some of my lower torso fell off, I might be able to cover first base.
Jose “The Gremlin” May-I-see-us….in the playoffs? I think not
I’m what’s responsible for luring good players to any team.
Dude! Darren forgot his sack lunch, which is where he keeps tonight’s lineup. We have to send Dick Pole back to the hotel to get the lineup. So it’s gonna be delayed, dude.
I might play Lawton in Left Center and Short Bus in Right Center. Nomar doesn’t look like he has much range, dude, so Neifi will back him up in Short Center.
Jose “The Gremlin” Might-see-us in the playoffs
I still think NOT
Mr Pole just left with the lineup card.
It will be posted any time now.
The dude abides…
The problem with Dolan’s scenario is that firing all my coaches is exactly what I want to happen. I’m already working on Rothschild for the pitchers not covering first.
“Somebody is going to have to pay,” Baker said. “Somebody is in trouble. It was like doo-doo on the mound or something.
“Don’t ask me. Larry is going to address it with them. That’s Larry’s department. I’m in charge, but a manager is in charge of certain functions.
“It has to do with responsibility in your department. There’s a chain of command. Don’t worry. It will be addressed. Contrary to the popular belief, I don’t let nothing pass. Nothing. I’ll address it sooner or later. I can address it calmly or I can address it very aggressively.”
103, I also thought that sounded like classic dusty passing the blame.
he will address it sooner or later? gee, how about the night it happened?
if I were in charge of a team, and they played like this, besides being amazed i hadn’t been fired yet, I wouldn’t count on someone else to talk to my players and get things straightened out, I would personally get in their faces, the entire team.
but dusty just thinks someone else will address it.
“Somebody is going to have to pay,’’ Baker said. “Somebody is in trouble. It was like doo-doo on the mound or something”
That’s “It was like Dudes on the mound”, thank you.
Here’s my army as we go to war:
1 Lawton LF
2 Walker 2b
3 Lee 1b
4 Eramis 3B
5 Nomar SS
6 Burnitz RF
7 Macias CF
8 Barrett C
9 Hill P
After his first at bat it will be “Nomore” Garciaparra
God damn TOdd Walker and Jeromy Burnitz suck.
Nevermind, I take that back. They all suck equally. No need to, you know, single anyone out.
“It doesn’t matter where the Mets hit it, they find a hole.”
Yeah, the hole’s in our gloves and our heads.
Time to get back down to .275, I gotta lot of work to do. Fluke.
Remember when Andy made that comment about the Cubs overpaying for washed up stars? Was he talking about me too? I hope not, because I haven’t skipped a beat.
Hey, Scoob! I thought that the Mystery Machine was going to drive me in from the bullpen whenever I came into the game! That was part of the deal, man!
I suck. I also love donuts, and mullets.
If you have six fingers, can you flick a middleone at dusty?
By the way, I’m f*cking hammered and the Cubs suck!
All the management is horrible… why do you think they have sucked for so many years?? Andy Mcphail? Jesus… worst management in the major leagues.
Macias and I are gonna have a competition to see which one of us can actually hit the ball out of the infield first.
It would end in a tie.
I win! Your turn Gremlin.