On one of the countless Cubs blogs around the Internet (some good, some awful, none able to hold a candle to the days we devote Desipio to all things Cub) featured a post from some panic stricken Cubs fan saying that “everytime the Cubs contend, Kerry Wood gets hurt.” In 1998 his elbow began to fall off, in 2001 it was blisters or syphillis or something and now in 2003 it’s his aching back.

I laughed at the panicked poster. Come on, Kerry’s a horse. He’ll be fine. Once they fixed that fraying elbow he became invincible.

Oops.

I don’t know how much his back is bothering him. It seems that when you routinely throw 96-98 MPH fastballs like he did last night, your back can’t really be bothering you too much.

But then, I don’t have a bad back. I tore a groin muscle once, and that’s not nearly as much fun as it sounds, but I’m no back expert. However, isn’t it just a little possible that last night Kerry got lit up because…maybe he threw some bad pitches?

No! Impossible!

A great man once said, “Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose and sometimes it rains.”

You could also say, “Sometimes you win, sometimes your back hurts, sometimes you just rocked because you throw bad pitches and your catcher can’t find the ball that he blocked right in front of himself at home plate and even though he probably could have thrown the pitcher out who was running to first base with a limp that Walter Brennan could have laughed at, but instead he tries to dive on the ball like it’s a grenade and tag a guy coming home from third.”

You could say that, but it’s too verbose and people would get a headache trying to follow it.

After things got really bad (new signal for when things get really bad is when the PA announcer says, “Now pitching for the Cubs, Dave Veres.”) I gave it up and played NCAA Football 2004 and then poked myself in the eyeballs with cocktail stirrers.

Video games and their evolution are amazing. In the new Madden 2004, which I don’t have yet, but which would make a lovely birthday gift, you not only control the team on the field, but you are the “owner”, you set ticket prices, negotiate contracts, stadium deals… Pretty much everything a real owner does except coming home to find the trophy wife doing it on the diving board with pool boy and having to bail your star quarterback out of jail the night before the big game when he’s found in a bath house with half the cast of “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy”. But, enough about Steve Young.

Was that out loud? Damn, I should go back and edit that out. Steve Young’s not gay, after all he’s married and gay guys never get married.

But, I can’t wait until video games take the next step, and after the game is over you have to go to the press conference and get asked stupid questions by stupid pixellated versions of Mariotti and Bayless and the rest of the Seventh Circle of Hell.

In the upcoming Grand Theft Auto: Madden 2007 hybrid, you get to run over cyber Jay and cyber Skip in your ’77 Cadillac deVille while listening to “Flock of Seagulls” tunes on the car stereo.

The Cubs are off to Arizona for three games, but the worst part is that Saturday’s game will be a Fox national broadcast with the perfect storm for Cubs fan frustration. Shawn Estes is pitching and Thom Brennaman and Steve Lyons will be announcing. Hide the sharp objects. Send the kids to the neighbors, there’s nothing more painful than knowing that an all-but-certain Cubs loss will be narrated by the smug little guy with the superfluous ‘h’ in his name and his short bus sidekick.

We’ll get a lot of prattling about what a great manager Bob Brenley and his creepy mustache are. This is crap, of course, but that won’t stop Thom and Steve. I’ll be watching, but only to see if Brenley’s mustache finally turns into a butterfly and circles the infield.

The Bears are in Tempe, Arizona tonight where the forecasted kickoff temperature is expected to be 100 degrees. Ted Washington wouldn’t have stood a chance in heat like that. He’d have melted and created his own tar pit on the fourth play from scrimmage.

This is the third preseason game and Hub Arkush will tell you that this is the important one. Oh, this one’s important! Hey, thanks for pointing that out. All this time I thought preseason football games were just transparent attempts by greedy NFL owners to suck more money out of the paying customer! But now that I know that the third one is important, I feel so much better.

In fact, this game is so important to the Bears that John Shoop is considering tripling the number of drive-killing, momentum destroying, fan-infuriating wide receiver screen passes.

Remember back when Gary Crowton took over the playcalling a few years back and the wide receiver screen was a weapon? Yeah, me too. Marty Booker ran through the Vikings back in that one game, and it hasn’t worked since. But hey, that was only four years ago.

Before we get to the links, lets discuss something truly important.

Tony Womack convinced Tom Goodwin to let him have number five. Granted, this was not the perfect solution to the Cubs trying to have all of their terrible hitters signify their presence by dominating the single digit numbers. It would have worked great had Goodwin managed to steal number two from first base coach Gene Clines, but instead he took Dave Kelton’s number 24. As a player who wore the number before Bud Selig retired it league wide, Goodwin has the right to wear number 42, but chose not to.

So now what number does Kelton wear when comes back to the big leagues? Since everybody thinks he looks like Chipper Jones (at least until halfway through his swing), it’s time to insult Ron Santo again and let Kelton wear that. The Cubs are obviously waiting for Santo to get inducted to the Hall of Fame before they retire number 10 and since that doesn’t seem to be happening any time soon, Kelton might as well wear the big one-oh.

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Wait, I think the Cubs just left the bases loaded again.

Randall Simon wants to play for the Cubs next year, too. Hey, let’s worry about this one first.

Mike Downey ponders the Cubs and Astros aversion to the World Series.

Give Kenny Williams some credit, this is another nice pick up for the Sox.

The Sox are more worried about Minnesota than Kansas City. How about they worry about both?

The Bears defense is anxious to hit the field tonight and the team is getting ready to make the first cuts.

It’s a safe bet that Aaron Gibson will be sweaty.

One trick pony Frank Caliendo will replace Jimmy Kimmel on the Fox pregame show. His Madden impersonation is impressive, the rest of the act is pretty hackneyed.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to worry about Kerry’s weak back. He should have done that about a week back. Oh, I kill me.

Mike Remlinger thinks that Mark Prior will win the rest of his starts and could win the Cy Young. How about Mike spends less time worrying about Mark Prior and more about getting somebody out for a change?

Carlyle Holiday is a key to the Irish season. Gee, really? The quarterback is important? Since when?

The Wizard of Roz stuffs John Shoop in a garbage can.

Sports Guy writes his 1,012th column about video Bo Jackson. We get it. Stop. For chrissakes you only write five columns a month, do you really need to repeat them?

Flannel Boy thinks Portland ought to have a Major League Baseball team. I think Durand, Illinois ought to have a whorehouse but that doesn’t make me right, either.

This just in: Barry Bonds is good.

Who is David Vecsey and what is he doing on my computer monitor? How many freakin’ talentless Vecsey’s are there? Just go away. Or at least shave.

Nice progressive department you’ve got there. Morons.

Rush Limbaugh is just, plain, tiresome.

A new book says that LBJ had JFK killed. Hey, I saw the Oliver Stone movie, I know it was the mafia and LBJ and Castro and the FBI and that guy on the grassy knoll.

Ah-nuld didn’t get to do the Howard Stern show because then Howard would have had to interview all 135 other gubenatorial candidates. I love the word gubenatorial.

A TV watchdog group says “CSI” is bad for kids. Yeah, well so is Mountain Dew. So there.

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