First off, just for finding us today you deserve a pat on the back. So go ahead. We’ll wait. …

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The impossible happened early this morning when I crawled out of bed and started transferring the files from the old host to the new host…it worked. Not one single glitch. So that just means that Network Solutions won’t get the Desipio.com name forwarded until April.

Anyway, it was a good excuse to put off writing about the Cubs for a few hours. Because really, what is there left to say? It’s over. There’s no chance this bunch of pathetic losers are going to make the playoffs. Even if they did make the playoffs, if they can’t score more than a run against the mighty Brewers it’ll be three and out no matter who they play. E-ramis’ groin is falling off. Sammy and Moises aren’t just showing their ages now, they’re showing Fess Parker’s age (did you know he was still alive? He is. Really.) and Nomar’s got one gimpy foot already out the door. This season hasn’t been the disaster, it’s been more than that. It’s like the Hindenberg crashed into the Titanic.

Right?

Oh, hell no. It is true that the Cubs have to start playing a lot better really quick. But if they follow up last night’s pathetic effort with some wins, we’ll all have forgotten about it by Saturday. When Phil Rogers is serving as the voice of reason, you’ve got problems.

One of the things that makes me cringe the most (other than the close up on Mary Lou Retton NBC “treated” us to this morning) is reading the comments at the bottom of the previous day’s Dose when the Cubs lose that night. It’s enough to make me hope that the Food and Drug Administration approves rubber coated razor blades pretty soon, or the readership is going to drop dramatically around here.

Last night was one of the most frustrating nights of the year. First off, we got a break when Chip Caray was gone for the night to attend a funeral. I’m sure his sunny presence just lights up any room. If I had a dollar for every time somebody uttered the words “idiot cousin” and pointed at Chip yesterday, I’d be wealthy man. But the Cubs could not capitalize on our good mood. No, they had to go 1-2-3 for the 122nd consecutive first inning.

Sammy homered to lead off the second and you could just see the wheels starting to fall of Victor Santos (wasn’t he a Days of Our Lives character). The Cubs would load the bases just one inning later and Sammy would get blown away with a 84 MPH fastball.

Then Big Z gave up an RBI triple to…Bill Hall. Bill Hall? Hall hit a two run homer against Kerry Wood earlier this year. Apparently the Cubs starters have not gotten the memo that says simply, “Bill Hall sucks.”

An inning after that the Cubs got hosed…again, when second base umpire Wally Bell rotated around to first as Corey Patterson made a fine play and doubled off Brady Clark on a flyball to center. Only one problem, Wally blew the call. It wasn’t even close. It made the Bruce Froemming call last week look like Sophie’s Choice by comparison. Geoff Jenkins had tagged up from third and so not only did the runner get back to first, the inning was prolonged and Jenkins’ run counted.

Here’s where both Dan Roan and Steve Stone fell asleep. They were wondering if Jenkins had crossed the plate before what should have been the third out at first. They theorized that the Cubs might not have been jobbed out of a run because Jenkins’ run might have counted anyway.

That’s wrong.

Clark would have been out at first on a force play, meaning that even if Jenkins had crossed the plate, wandered into the outfield and slid down Bernie’s Slide, before the out was made, his run still doesn’t count. Had Clark gone back to first and tagged up and Corey had tried to throw him out going to second, then it would have mattered if Jenkins had scored before the third out, because by tagging, Clark would have removed the force out.

Anyway, it didn’t matter, because the Cubs were using rolled up Milwaukee Journal-Sentinels instead of bats…again.

Today they get the only Brewers’ starter they’ve actually hit hard…Ben Sheets. But, he’s matched up against Matt Clement and as we all know, it’s illegal for the Cubs to score while Clement is in the game. So this ought to be fun again.

However, here’s my fearless prediction for the wild card. Rogers is right in that the Padres and Giants are too flawed to win it. Should the Cubs continue to jack around, they could very well lose the Wild Card to…the Florida Marlins. The Marlins offense is woefully bad, but they can pitch and for my money they’re the team that can make a run and catch everybody. Let’s hope that doesn’t happen. We can’t go through that again.

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Hello again, everybody! Karry Ling here with today’s Olympic Moment.

As you may have heard the Greeks thought it’d be cool to have this year’s shot put held at the site of the original Olympics some 3,000 years ago. So we had to trudge over a lot of rocks to a glorified pasture where more than 15,000 Uzo drinking butt-play fanatics got drunk and watched some exciting putting of the shot.

Here’s America’s best hope, his name is Kristen Heaston:

What, that’s a woman? No way. Holy crap.

Anyway, the shot put continues tomorrow and it’ll be just as exciting. Really, there is no sport more riveting than throwing a big ball bearing as far as you can. Just tremendous.

A lot of you have e-mailed me at karry@desipio.com to voice your concern that Pepe, my rent-a-yak seems to be unfit to carry a grown man on his back.

Well, I’ll have to admit, he’s not really all that strong. So we’ve been cabbing it most places. He loves to ride in the car. You should see the way he sticks his head out of the window when we get out on the open road.

Note to Andy, my per diem for the entire trip is getting woefully low. You might want to write another of those lame compilation books and see if you can sell a few to fund my return.

Editorial note: You can always swim back, Ling.

Anyway, today Pepe and I are going to check out the women’s basketball game against…somebody. I forget. But I love watching our women play. The only other place that you can watch sweaty lesbians risk complete ACL tears is the She-he in San Francisco on “amateur pole dance” night.

Until next time, I’m still Karry Ling!

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Victor Santos? Again?

Dusty’s just waiting for E-ramis to blow out his groin. I would think E-ramis would have more luck trying to blow out his mouth or nose.

Dusty thinks the umps pick on his team and us, the fans. I think he’s right! Who needs to be rational? Not us!

Jerry Azumah can’t wait to come back. In November. Yay?

The Sox recent play has given Ozzie kindey stones. Ouch.

Even in Greece Mariotti puts down the doughnut to prove he’s an asshat when it comes to fans.

Jamal Lewis just got a new drug charge! Congratulations?

Looks like USC decided to “Go Buffalo.”

The Bush Twins are going to a gay wedding.

P. Diddy sure acted innocent.

Britney might not be getting married after all.

America’s finest news source says George W. Bush finally as the Oval Office just the way he likes it.