I envy the geniuses behind everything the Fox network does. It was tough enough to find twenty women dumb enough to go on Joe Millionaire but they’ve topped themselves. They found 30 dopes they could dupe into being on a show called Married By America?

First of all, most of them are attractive. A couple are extremely attractive. That means that either

a) they are psychopaths
or
b) they are publicity seeking whores.

Either way, giddy up!

Our favorites from night one had to be Jill, the 25 year old New York Islanders “hostess” who is just unbelievably gorgeous,

and

the obviously gay roommate of Billie Jeanne, the skanky New York City bartender.

The line of the night was delivered by Jill’s dad, who when confronted by a chubby, balding guy from Chicago who was mad that he’d been eliminated said, “I’d like to start this conversation with, ‘Goodbye.'” Nicely played, sir.

There are five “contestants.” We have a man from NYC, a woman from Long Island, a skank from NYC, a guy from Atlanta and a woman from Atlanta. Why don’t we just marry off the guy from New York with the woman from Long Island, and the two from Atlanta and then the rest can fight over Billie Jeanne? Hey, it’s a thought.

Yesterday I had the chance to listen to a good part of the Cubs-Brewers game on MLB Radio. One of the brodcasters was one of my least favorite Cubs of all-time, Brian McRae. The man has no clue. I realize he’s working for a “radio” station that exists only on the Internet and was probably listened to by 14 people, but still. He made my ears bleed he was so bad.

The best part was when the Brewers sent up a minor league player and neither the play-by-play guy or McRae knew who he was. It ended up being, “Here’s a long drive to left by number 96! Number 96 has homered!” It reminded me of the great Johnny Most tape when he was doing a Celtics exhibition game against a team of Yugoslavians. Johnny couldn’t pronounce any of the Yugos names so he started saying things like, “The guy with the green socks passes it to the guy smoking a cigarette. Bird steals the ball, and he’s fouled by the guy with the one eyebrow.”

Today, MLB Radio is bringing us not one, but two games. Cincinnati at Cleveland at noon, and the White Sox at Texas at three. Tune in. It’s sure to be crap-tastic. One cool feature is that there are no commercials. Between innings they answer e-mails from fans. You can e-mail them during the games at radio@mlb.com.

Don’t be afraid to use our patented “Dear [insert offending person’s name here], you stink. Did you poop your pants?” Always classy.

Let’s get to the Dose, because one link deserves special attention today.

Todd Hundley claims his time in Chicago was a “nightmare from day one.”

Gee, ya think? Hundley hit .190 and .211 in two seasons with the Cubs and struck out 169 times in 512 at bats. But Todd wants us to feel sorry for him. This bozo basically stole a paycheck for two seasons and we’re supposed to feel sorry for him?

“Chicago was a nightmare from day one,” Hundley said. “I felt like I was held hostage with my hands tied behind my back every single day.”

Todd, if you were a hostage, we’d have shot you.

“My point was, we don’t have to like each other, we’re here to do a job, win baseball games,” Hundley said. “It just didn’t feel like the priority there was to win. They messed with you so much you had to stop caring. It was the most frustrating time of my baseball career other than blowing my elbow out [in 1997].”

My point is that when you did play you didn’t do anything. You can’t throw. You can’t hit. You can’t even button up your jersey right.

“You never knew where you stood with management. There was no communication,” he said. “The only guy who had a job every day was Sammy [Sosa]. The rest of it was a coin flip.”

Why would anybody but Sammy have had a job every day? He’s the only one who can hit! What communication do you need?

Cubs management: “Hi Todd. You are not good at playing baseball. Love, Management”

“My mom used to always tell me, `No matter what you do, don’t ever come to Chicago,'” he said. “She just knew. I had my heart set on signing with the Cubs. I was ready to go to Chicago.”

Did you ever think that maybe your mom didn’t want you to come to Chicago because she liked the Cubs? Maybe she knew that if you came back the Cubs would be the worse for it? Unfortunately, we’ll never know.

“I’ll be the first to admit there were days where I absolutely stunk,” he said. “[But] I had no chance to redeem myself.”

You played in 171 games, that’s “no chance” to redeem yourself?

“It might have taken its toll physically, it catches up to you sometimes,” he said. “It wasn’t affecting my play, but nothing good comes of drinking.”

So which is it? Did your boozing catch up with you physically or did it have no affect? I find it hard to believe those are mutually exclusive. Sigh. I’m just glad he’s gone.

Mike Downey gets it exactly right on David Wells.

Jay Williams thinks the players and coaches on the Bulls don’t really get along. How nice.

Meet your new favorite Illini player, Roger Powell. Sometimes, good things really do happen to good people.

Wednesday night’s big game might be as much Kirk Penney v. Brian Cook as Illinois v. Wisconsin. I like our chances in both.

Jake Plummer doesn’t like cold or snow. Welcome to Chicago, Jake!

People think it’s a foregone conclusion that Jake will go to Denver and become a star under Mike Shanahan. But how many QBs has the genius in Denver developed? How about none. I mean, really, are we going to give him credit for John Elway? Alas, when it comes to QB development, he’s no John Shoop.

The White Sox are prolonging their annual screw job to Mark Buehrle. How many years before he gets to go play for the Cardinals?

Frank Thomas is trying to hit line drives and frankly, I don’t care.

That thud you heard? That was Notre Dame plummeting in the rankings. Ouch.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to put down Plummer. A couple of things. 1) Jake likes Denver because it reminds him of Idaho? Woof. 2) Who the hell is Gary Sinese? Is he related to Gary Sinise? Just wondering.

Rap talks with Jim Bouton. Now Jim knew how to write a real baseball book.

Andy MacPhail talked with reporters, and as usual, he’s the master of saying nothing.

Dusty will officially be named the All-Star Game manager for the National League today. Hey Dusty, try and avoid a tie, would you?

Alvin Gentry has been freed from his status as the hostage coach of the Clippers. Congratulations, Alvin. We have no word yet on the status of his brothers, Simon and Theodore, however.

This has been bothering me for a while. At the bottom of a lot of his columns, The Wizard of Roz uses jokes from a comedian named Alex Kaseberg. Number one, who is this guy? Number two, why is he never funny? If you’re never funny do you get to call yourself a comedian? Wait, I guess Louie Anderson gets away with it…

Andy Katz on Wisconsin-Illinois.

Sports Guy on Jones-Ruiz.

John Donovan on gay porn star Craig Biggio’s move to center field. Am I the only one who thinks this is ludicrous? Does he really hit well enough to keep a guy like Jason Lane on the bench? He’s 37. He’s barely useful at second, now they want him in center. Reason number 1,237,054 why Jimy Williams is an absolute moron. Let me be the first to predict that the Astros will be worse with Jeff Kent and Biggio than they would be without them.

Say it ain’t so! Anna is used goods? I’m scratching her off my list.

Whoo-eee! Another reason why girls’ basketball is so exciting. Eleven points total in the game. In overtime, no less. What was the over/under? 14? Heck the over/under on torn ACLs was probably higher than that.

Gee, you mean My Big Fat Greek Life sucks? Gee, who saw this coming?

Michael Jackson put a voodoo curse on Steven Spielberg. That’s nice?

The new Bachelor is a millionaire and he looks like he might be a little on the gay side, too. Is he the heir to the Harvey Firestone tire fortune (don’t their tires explode?) or the Harvey Firestein fortune?

Anastacia had breast cancer surgery. Doctors assure us she’s going to be fine, and that she still doesn’t know the words to the National Anthem.

Damn, there goes my planned vacation to the Congo.

People in Europe are hassling Vince Vaughn and he’s using the Marshall Plan to defend himself. Who knew?

America’s finest news source with news that our Orange Alert sirens will blow constantly in major cities. Great.