This morning the Score hosted a four hour Mike Murphy Panic-athon in which the pre-pubescent voiced “broadcaster” freaked out about the possibility of Greg Maddux singing with the Yankees. At one point he said he didn’t care how much it cost the Cubs, they had to sign Maddux.
Look, the Cubs screwed up when they traded Lou Brock, should they pay him $11 million a year to stumble around the outfield?
Maybe the Cubs should build a time machine and they could bring an insulin self-injector to Ron Santo in 1963, that probably would have made him even more productive.
I’m only going to say this one more time, so listen up. Signing Greg Maddux would be nice, but the Cubs are going to win the National League with, or without him this year. So just freakin’ relax, already.
WABC in New York is reporting that Maddux will sign with the Yankees today. Yankees General Manager Brian Cashman said, “We are not involved with Greg Maddux.” Does that mean they’re not dating or they’re not negotiating?
Yesterday evening Jim Hendry was mad. But apparently after a late night talk with Boras he was back to being optimistic and the late stories filed by Seabiscuit’s Jockey in the Trib and Mike Kiley in the Sun Times reflect that.
Besides, remember when that Arizona TV station reported the Cubs had signed Pudge Rodriguez in November? Sure.
It’s pretty clear that the only two teams left with a check in their hands are the Cubs and the Yankees…and the Yankees involvement is unclear. But as long as Maddux doesn’t end up on a National League team who the Cubs will play in the playoffs, I could give a damn.
It looks like the offseason (which ends tomorrow when Cubs pitchers and catchers report) has been pretty much perfect for the Cubs.
Who knew?
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The staff here at Desipio are hard at work putting together our 2004 Baseball Preview. It’ll be just as thoughtful and indepth as you’ve read in the past (stop laughing) and we’re going to drag it out from now until opening day. I know, you’re so excited you can hardly contain yourselves.
The first preview should go up sometime in the next 24 hours. So be sure to click back early and often. (And no, this isn’t a blatant attempt to drive our hits up. Never. No, sir.)
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I’ve pretty much had it with reality TV. I still like Survivor, because it’s more of a game show than a reality show. It’s like the Match Game only without the celebrities, or Charles Nelson Reilly. But Fox knows what we want in our reality TV.
We want midgets, fat guys and hot women. And boy howdy did we have them last night.
First, the night started with the cruelest, most insensitive, and greatest reality show of all-time. “The Littlest Groom.”
Meet Glen
a tiny little guy who just wants to win a bride on a game show! The thing that makes this show so disturbing is that for the first 45 minutes last night, everybody on it was a dwarf, or a midget or whatever they are.
It was funny…no, it was hilarious. Especially when one of the “bachelorettes” was getting to know Glen and talked of her love for dirt bikes. “I’m all about motorcross” she said. I will never get that tiny voice saying “I’m all about motorcross” out of my head. Yikes.
After Glen whittled the original twelve down to five (and yes, he kept little Evel Kneivel) they went on some group dates so he could get to know them.
Their first stop? The driving range.
Fox got them some little bitty clubs and they went to hacking. The only thing missing was Tim Conway.
Then, they went line dancing. One of the girls said, “I’m not really into country music. I’m a gangsta!” I wish I was making this up.
The girls got a little desperate during the line dancing and started shoving each other away from Glen for a chance for a private dance with him.
After our tiny sextet got back to the mansion (heck, a double wide would be mansion sized to them) they got the news that Glen would have to whack one of them after dinner. He also got a chance to have a private dinner with one of them. He picked the one who looks like an oompa loompa.
No, wait, that’s all of them.
Anyway, after dinner they reassembled so Glen could give the ones he wanted to stay a bouquet (hey, this isn’t a blatant rip off of The Bachelor is it?). But our full-sized British hostess had some good news. Nobody would be eliminated! In fact, three more girls were going to join the party. Three normal sized girls.
They were, of course, tall, leggy models and little Glen stood up and took notice. The show ended with Glen and the “new girls” in a hot tub and the five little ones staring down from a balcony. Tragic, and hilarious. Just the way I like it.
There’s only one more episode, so tune in on Monday. You’ll be equally creeped out and entertained.
Then, the vastly underrated “My Big, Fat, Obnoxious Fiance” followed and next week is the finale. If you haven’t seen the show, Fox picked a hot, innocent, Arizona school teacher who thinks she is on a real, reality show. They told her that she could win $1,000,000 for her and her family if she could convince them that she met a man on a reality show and was going to marry him. The only catch is that every member of her family has to be at the wedding.
The bride to be is Randi Coy, and her husband is the fat guy from the Hungry Man commercials who gets blown away by the hairdryer in the locker room. Really, it’s him.
He’s awesome. He has spent the last four shows playing equal parts “innocent, hapless, fat guy” and “fat, offensive, gas bag.” In a brilliant twist, the first time he met her family he was great. He was funny and nice and charming. Then, the next day she wasn’t around and it was just him and her family and he got a little gassy, and crass and her family hates him. But she has no idea why.
The other actors who play his family are also great. His sister has a death fetish, his mother is obsessed with birthing hips and frozen placentas and his dad is very free with his body and loves to talk about his recovery from alcoholism. Nobody could feel comfortable around these people.
Randi’s parents don’t like Steve (the pretend fiance) but they love her and they’re (mostly) supportive. But her brothers and sisters (who she annoyingly always refers to as her “siblings”–who uses that word, really?) hate Steve. Her older brother, who is never seen without a Sierra Nevada Pale Ale in his hand, is a raging assbag. He is refusing to be in the wedding (which would cost the family the $1,000,000, though they don’t know that) and he cries a lot. If he’s trying to look tough, it’s not working. Let’s put it this way, if they remade Back to the Future today, he’d play Biff Tannen. Guaranteed. Her little brother thinks she should wait a month before she gets married. He’s pretty emphatic about that, almost in a Rainman sort of way.
Her little sister would be hot if she’d put on about ten pounds and she just cries all the time.
In other words, this is good stuff.
For all I know, the whole thing is BS, but who cares? It’s entertaining.
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The Bears are about to dump Kordell Stewart, Phil Daniels and Warrick Holdman. If they didn’t tell us they released them, would we even notice?
Seabiscuit’s Jockey says that Hendry is still pretty confident the Cubs will sign Maddux. Maybe even today.
Whatever has gotten into Chris Thomas is a very good thing.
Phil Rogers’ laughingly simplistic look at the NL Central. Hey, let’s just add up the records of the starters and see who wins! Brilliant!
Mariotti puts down the doughnut to lead the “The Cubs are screwed without Maddux” chorus. Now I feel better. If Jay says the Cubs need him, the Cubs don’t need him at all.
Jim Hendry thinks it would have been more fun to be a GM years ago. Well, sure, I mean who wouldn’t want to run a team full of Larry Biittners and Steve Hendersons?
Remember in Biittner, the second ‘i’ was for incompetence.
Mike Kiley says that Scott Boras’ cell phone works on an airplane! How come mine doesn’t work on the Skyway then?
The Dodgers hired a 31-year old wunderkind to be their GM. Hey, I’m a 31 year old wunderkind! Can I be a GM, too?
Albert Pujols is going to get a nice big eight figure check from the Cardinals. Hee hee.
The NY Post says Maddux isn’t going to be a Yankee.
The Daily News says Maddux isn’t going to be a Yankee.
Just how obvious is it that Canadian politicians had never seen “Late Nite with Conan O’Brien” before?
The whole week in Toronto was great TV. From Triumph on the streets of Toronto, to Conan dressed as a mountie at a border crossing to the CN Tower mudwrestling with the Space Needle, it was just great.
A Vietnamese farmer built a homemade helicopter? Sure. Sounds like somebody’s trying to take back Da Nang.
America’s finest news source with some stuff the FCC is looking into. The last one is priceless. But then, anybody who’s ever seen that picture of her getting out of the car has already seen it.
Two things for today:
1) I’m not sure if the Cubs are shoo-ins, but yep, I didn’t even listen to Murph today cause I knew what it was gonna be. We really don’t NEED Maddux, and it would not be a tragedy if he signed with the Yanks.
2) Remember the Nickelodeon shows "Pete & Pete" and "Harriet the Spy" with that weird little Michelle Trachtenburg? Now, have you seen the trailers for "Eurotrip", where some babe is untying her bathing suit top?
THAT’S HER!! SHE’s HOTTT!
Who knew?
Hey now, Anderoo, I remain the best pinch hitter the Cubs ever had, this side of Mike Vail.
Excuse me, Larry?
Did Murph trot out the tired "Da Trib’s purse strings is empty" or some other hackneyed assessment from his mangled lexicon? One thing we can always count on from Freakzilla and the JabberJaw crew at Da Score is their handwringing over any potential player moves. Murph’s overly simplistic "Hey youse guyses, what’s da Cubs line-up one trough [sic] eight?" was enough to make me flip off the radio and ball my fists. Punch. Stomp. Choke.
Maddux signing with the Yankees makes as much sense as the Score paying Murphy a million dollars to eat polish sah-sige on air.
I’m with Andy–the Cubs with Maddux would be nice, but not necessary.
I knew! I knew!! I was/am a huge fan of the now defunct Buffy the Vampire Slayer TV show (it was the best written show on TV, bar none). She was on there for the last three years or so. Michelle Trachtenberg (boy that’s a mouthful) is exceptionally hot and, most importantly, 19 years old.
And remember kids….. If she’s old enough to sit at the table, she’s old enough to eat.
Larry, Thad, you’re BOTH wrong, and besides being the greatest pinch hitter ever, I could also play a mean third base. That is to say, it was mean to Cubs fans.
TW,
Unless none (as in "bar none") = The Simpsons, then I insist that you use my 6′ Graffix to toke up instead of your ratty-ass clogged piece of aluminum foil.
Sorry Matt. Your 6′ graffix fears my 4 person houka!
Different styles of writing. You’re comparing witty banter and reparte to one-liners and punchlines. I won’t argue against the Simpsons being a fantastically well written cartoon, because it is. But it is a cartoon nonetheless and as such, gets to play by different rules. The Simpsons, while it may be more openly funny and make you laugh out loud more, was not a better written show than Buffy.
Sixteen will get you 20.
![]("http://www.hairboutique.com/images/Dawn250H_1.jpg"/)
Who knew that teen stars could grow up to be such hotties, eh Michelle?
I can’t see Maddux "singing with the Yankees".
He’s more of a percussionist…
For kicks, check out the source pic location.
Remember me? I’m Punky Brewster!
I know, I know. There’s no end to the descriptions of just how dumb Mariotti is. But, this one is priceless: "When Boras described Maddux as ‘the greatest teacher in the major leagues’ and a man who ‘would win a Pulitzer Prize if he wrote a book on pitching,’ he wasn’t lying."
Puh-leaze.
When is Boras NOT lying?
I know it may be more difficult to type with one hand, but please spell my name correctly. Thanks. Kisses.
MC, what’s the over-under on Marrioti doing his Jay Flip-Flopâ„¢ and hitting the "Cubs overpaid for 3-3 Maddux" panic button? I am thinking June 1st.
Marrioti’s a hack. His bloated "Jim Bakker’s love child" schtick is wearing thin and it’s only a matter of time before enough readers realize he is a blowhard.
Check out this article about Petitte and Clemens on ESPN.com.
http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/columns/story?columnist=olney_buster&id=1737140
Warning: This article contains homo-erotic imagery and may not be suited for, well, anyone.
They would often set out to the beach in Hawaii where they enjoyed long, moonlit walks. Usually, nothing was said. One night, however, Roger eached for Andy’s hand. He then thrust the big southpaw toward him.
"Are you sure our wives our passed out?" The Rocket asked, with the faint smell of his own blackberry brandy dancing about Andy’s nose.
Andy felt a lump in his throat, "But Roger, my church says it’s wron–"
He was interrupted by Roger’s index finger, gently pressing upon his lush lips.
"Shh" said Roger, "Let me show you something," as he began to slowly unzip his pants, revealing a tatoo above his groin. "This is something that Marty Barret bought for me when I was a rookie" He revealed, dancing out from below his underwear, a purple unicorn, nestled above his pubic hair….
For more, buy my book!
ESPN needs to keep a decent baseball "expert" on the campus of Bristol University at all times. This way, if any news breaks (like the A-Rod deal) nobody will be forced to watch and listen to Buster Olney for a whole afternoon until they can get the A-squad to cameras.
He was interrupted by Roger’s index finger, gently pressing upon his lush lips.
Try this, "He was interrupted by Roger’s index finger, gently pressing upon his lush anus."
Much sexier.
Hey, I’m just a satellite link up away. I can tell you that Derek Jeter has to be the shortstop because he’s won four rings!
FOUR RINGS!
Of course, Bernie Williams has won four and they’re moving him out of center field…but that’s beside the point.
Chris, are you saying you didn’t enjoy Jayson Stark’s article on the who the best players of the 00’s will be? ESPN’s whole baseball stable is starting to grate on me. Especially Gammons. The guy seems more concerned about passing himself off as "cool" (we get it Pete, you listen to popular and somewhat obscure music, now stop dropping 10 song titles into every damn article). As Doctor Evil said – "there’s nothing more pathetic than an aging hipster".
I didn’t even read anything on ESPN.com this weekend. I just got annoyed watching ESPN News and listening to Buster Olney. Then, they somehow figure out how to get cell phone service to Pigs Knuckle, Mississippi or wherever it is that Jeff Brantley lives. Seriously, let’s get some talent to work for the worldwide leader.
Who wins in a most music references in 5 minutes contest?: Chris Berman or Peter Gammons
I think A-Rod is just blowin’ in the wind!
Gammons wins in print, Berman on air.
And all the fans lose!
Michelle T looks like an alien.
That is all.
George Steinbrenner himself said after his press conference (In his car) that his team was not interested in Greg Maddux. Although I don’t know whether to believe him or not.
From my comprehensive study, the sportswriter who drops to most popular and obscure song references into an article is actualy KD.
And bad puns too!@
http://dapparel.com/
Why? Why, why, why?
http://dapparel.com/
Why? Why, why, why?
And double posts.
I’m back!
The unexamined life is not worth living. by texas holdem