There are perfect days once and a while. Yesterday happened to be one of them. A nice, warm, sunny day. The Cubs scoring early and often in a 7-4 win. The Cardinals getting jacked by Scott Podsednik and Ben Grieve. The Astros being victimized by their own manager in a loss to the Giants. The White Sox, completely imploding all over Kauffman Stadium.
Yesterday was grand.
Let’s do it again tomorrow, shall we?
The 2004 Cubs showed up in weird grey coats, watched Mark Prior play catch, got hosed by the Reds who only introduced the starters and then apparently were saddened by the tributes to Dernell Stenson and Marge Schott.
Catcher Michael Barrett would say afterwards that, “It was tough getting started after those tributes. Those people meant a lot to baseball.” Who am I to minimize the emotion felt over the tragic loss of Stenson, senselessly murdered this offseason? But did we really want to believe that Kerry Wood only lasted five innings because he was tearing up over the loss of Marge Schott? Kerry’s not still shaving his head is he?
But opening day is always great. It’s a chance to get reaquainted with old pals, like this Corey Patterson fella. You get to see how people have changed, like The Farns and his new fright wig hairdo. You get to meet new guys like somebody named Mike Wuertz.
The Cubs did some good things. Kerry kept getting double play grounders and the guys kept turning them. Patterson homered and walked. Moises Alou ripped a full count pitch into the left field corner to drive in three runs. Barrett had two hits. The bullpen allowed nary a run in four innings.
They did some bad things. Regular Joe came in to get the easiest of all saves (a three run lead and the bottom of the order) and tried to pour kerosene all over it. Wendell Kim tried to get Gruddy killed at home plate to start a strange 8-2-5 double play on what should have been a single to center for Moises.
But the Cubs scored seven runs on a day when Sammy Sosa went hitless, and the bullpen held a lead for Kerry. These are two things that never happen.
Tomorrow night it’s the re-debut of Greg Maddux, as Greggie takes on The Farns’ favorite throw pillow, Paul Wilson at 5:30. Yes, 5:30. Then, the two teams play at 11:30 on Thursday. Wow, those are some real marketing geniuses in Cincinnati aren’t they?
—
Thanks to ESPN and the MLB Extra Innings Package on DirecTV, every game yesterday was at my fingertips. Look at who the Cardinals used yesterday as pitchers:
Matt Morris (their ace who gave up SEVEN runs to the Brewers)
Ray King (Mel Rojas’ identical twin)
Mike Lincoln (he of the tidy 5.20 ERA in Pittsburgh last year)
Julian Tavarez (seriously)
Buckle up Cardinals fans, it’s going to be a hilariously long year.
Meanwhile, in Houston, Roy Oswalt was cruising along comfortably through seven innings. He’d thrown almost 90 pitches and it was time to hand the game over to the vaunted Astros bullpen. Only, Jimy Williams didn’t do that. Instead, he left Roy in. Now last year, he would have brought in Octavio Dotel to pitch the eighth, and then Billy Wagner for the ninth. But Wagner’s in Philly, so Jimy would use Brad Lidge right?
Nope.
He left Oswalt in. And Roy gave up a single to Ray Durham. Then he gave one up to Michael Tucker. If you give up a hit to Michael Tucker, you’re done, no matter what inning. So Jimy came plodding out of the dugout to talk with Roy. He left him in to face Bonds. Barry then sent one in the general direction of the Alamo Dome in San Antonio. Jimy then brought his closer into the tied game in the ninth, and Octavio coughed up a run, and the game.
The worst thing that could happen to the Cubs would be for Jimy to get fired. You heard that here first.
The White Sox game was one of the more pleasurable experiences in recent memory. They were whupping up on the Royals 7-3 heading into the ninth inning. Hawk Harrelson had the arrogance cranked up to eleven on a ten point scale. Darrin Jackson was being a good little lap dog and Ozzie Guillen was going to be 1-0 as Sox manager.
Then, things started to go awry. Cliff Politte forgot how to throw a strike. Billy Koch came in and did what he always does–get rocked. With one out and two on, Matt Stairs was coming up for the Royals. Should Ozzie let Koch pitch to Stairs, or force Pena to pinch hit the great Mendy Lopez for Stairs by bringing in Damaso Marte? Ozzie made the sensible choice and brought in Marte.
But Mendy Lopez was too much for Damaso. He ripped a 3-1 pitch about 430 to left for a 7-7 tie. Then Marte had to get Angel Berroa out to avoid pitching to Carlos Beltran. He didn’t. Beltran then planted one in the fountain for a 9-7 lead. Six runs in about five minutes. A great time was had by all.
Muahahahahahahahaha!
Our buddy Dave O’Brien was in Pittsburgh for the opener where he wore a leather jacket over his suit. Always a good look. His tag-team partner Jeff Brantley was there, too, and he had his mullet freshly oiled for opening day. Sweet.
ESPN stole John Kruk away from “The Best Damn Sports Show Period” to replace the creepy Bobby Valentine on Baseball Tonight. The best thing about Kruk is that he’s already sick and tired of Harold Reynolds. The worst thing is that he tried to make a case for leaving Koch in the game in the ninth. I can’t even make a case for bringing him in at all.
Next year, Tom Arnold will be hosting NFL PrimeTime, by the way.
Speaking of Fox, how about Leeann Tweeden?
I’d also like to thank Georgia Tech for making the NCAA title game an unwatchable mess. Nice job.
—
Corey’s off to a nice start…again.
Rick Morrissey says that your closer has to throw 100 miles an hour. How’s that working out for the White Sox, Rick?
Corey has the green light whenever he wants it. Unfortunately, so does Wendell Kim.
Mark Prior played catch and then cried. Huh?
What the? Who the? Why?
Put it on the board! No! Hee hee!
Phil Rogers blames the Sox loss on “inexperienced Sox coaches.” Huh? Hey, Marte was the right call, it just didn’t work. That happens sometimes.
St. John’s has it narrowed down to Matt Doherty (moron), Norm Roberts (Bill Self’s hairpiece wrangler) and Dave Leitao? How can they not offer it to Leitao?
Matt Painter looks like he’s next in line for the Purdue job. Somewhere Bruce Weber is lisping expletives, much like Daffy Duck.
Mike Kiley’s a little too giddy about the Cubs. I mean, I like the positivity, but reign it in a little.
Ever notice how the Trib and Sun Times “notes” are always almost identical?
Corey’s got lots of confidence.
Mariotti puts down the doughnut to criticize the basketball hall for not picking Jim Calhoun. Interesting, I wonder what Jay would have written had Tech upset UConn last night?
That Pedro, he’s quite a leader, ain’t he?
Sports Guy actually managed to watch the whole NCAA title game. Why?
Does anybody care about the basketball hall of fame? I didn’t even bother to capitalize any of it.
Peter King’s Monday Morning QB…from yesterday.
If this was fake, it wouldn’t be funnier. The Houston Chronicle’s Jose De Jesus Ortiz (not making that up) on Jimy Williams’ eighth inning misadventure last night, and then, check out the audio on the left with the “men on the street.” The Onion couldn’t do it any better. Walter Pounds is a sage.
Man, this is a good burger!
The Naked Chef was serving singed scrotal sac. Mmm. Chip, Beege! Dinner’s ready!
America’s finest news source with our TV listings. I’m going to have to watch a lot of Telemundo and Cinemax tonight.
Andy, just keep your mouth shut about the White Sox … I like reading your site, but you sound like a redass when you talk about the Pale Hose…
What a great day. Cubs win. ‘Stros lose. Satanic red fowl lose. And the White Sox piss away a four run lead in a laugher. The last team to lose a game with a four or more run lead in the ninth was the 1901 Detroit Tigers. And now the White Sox. Great day!
*Last team to lose a game on Opening Day with a four or more run lead.
Dear Andy,
I really like reading your site, because you make fun of a lot of stuff. However, I don’t like it when you make fun of stuff that I like. Please stop doing this. I will follow up with a list of things that you should stop making fun of because I like them. And I’m very important.
Sincerely,
A Concerned Reader
Andy,
Nice dose. Call me a sicko, but I enjoyed the Sux meltdown more than the Cubs’ uneven victory.
Not the Sux would want my $0.02, but Ozzie’ REAL brain fart was letting Politte start the ninth. This guy bails out Mark Girly in the seventh, then pitches the 8th inning. That’s enough, Osvaldo! Start the 9th w/Cock–who cares if it’s a four run–rather than three run–lead? I love it–it’s the fifth of April, and Ozzie’s pressing his luck by sending out his setup man for a THIRD inning. Walking the first two guys could hardly have been a surprise.
Now Sux fans get to stew for 48 hours. The SCORE is actually listenable (is that a word?) for the first time since the first Clinton administration, as all of their fans call in and bitch.
But hey, don’t take my advice. My team’s only atop the NL Central.
We’re in first place too!
Andy, I too don’t like when you make fun of things I like. Please refrain from making fun of young girls.
Same here Andy. Please stop making fun of coke addiction.
Please stop making fun of hitting Whitney Houston.
Please refrain from maturbatory jokes.
…and collies.
Please make the graphic of my Terror Alert System more blurry and harder to read.
I told you Mendy was gold, Jerry, gold!
Hey Cubs fans!
I just homered to deep right in my first at-bat!
SEE! Jim Hendry and Dusty Baker are retards. If we had Bobby Hill and Hee Seop, we’d be set.
Rob Neyer is God.
Man I was gassed yesterday, hence my suckiness. Must’ve been that tribute to Prior’s dead career before the game that had me all chocked up….
Isn’t Lee Ann Tweeden boning Josh Beckett? And Carl Pavano is linked w/ Alyssa Milano? Or is it the other way around? Or is it the wife-swapping Yankees of the early ’70s? Can you imagine if that happening now and how it would be covered by today’s media?
Everybody knows that I own April.
This is pretty hilarious, too.
http://www.chron.com/cs/CDA/ssistory.mpl/sports/bb/2484919
Better? — That’s me on the homepage.
Oh my God, outside of the fact that parts of that article were sort of like a gay love letter to Andy (choice line, "The Astros will win it all because, Lefty, you quite simply changed everything"…somewhere I can hear Debbie Boone’s "Nobody Does it Better"), this assclown Ortiz uses, as his primary source to support his points, that A) Boston won’t win because of the Bambino Curse and B) the Cubs won’t win because of the SI cover jinx.
Real deductive reasoning.
Moran.
BTW, by "Andy" I meant Pettite. Sorry, Dolan, for any confusion.
On the broadcast of the Giants/Trolls game last night the Giants’ announcers reported that the owner of the Trolls said that he felt sorry for the Cubs because the Trolls were "going to blow right by the Cubs this year" Yeah, blow this.
Andy, I don’t like it when you make fun of stuff I like. Please refrain from using the following as fodder for your musings:
-Mullets
-Trailer Homes
-Camaros/Trans Ams
-Roach Clips
-PBR
-Beating Up Umpires
-Sex with Domesticated Animals
-Sex with Young Girls (Sisters, Etc.)
-Jail Food
And any other moranic comments you wish to make.
I thought I did "Nobody Does it Better".
Fodder for your musings? Like any Sux fan would know what that meant anyway. More like, "Dude, shut up."
Well better to lose in such fashion in the first game of the season than in Game Six of the NLCS …
Yeah yeah yeah, and all Cubs fans do is chug beer and get their skin cancer cut off their sunburnt faces. What exactly is the point of your post, "Cubs Fan"?
Take your asinine stereotypes of Sox fans back to Halsted Street, you choad.
Yeah, why don’t you tell us all about the Sox amazing successes in the ALCS.
At least I was full during our playoff run.
Comparing relative successes in the playoffs is like so much finger sniffing among teenage boys. Until one of our teams actually scores by bringing home a World Series championship, the point is moot.
And frankly, neither team is going to do it this year. If we could somehow combine the teams, I’d like our chances (a Caballo-Corey-Magglio outfield would be sweet!), but wishing doesn’t make it so.
Neither team is going to do it this year? That’s a bold statement at the All Star break, let alone following the first game of the season. I think I’ll let the pitching rotation turn over at least once before I write off the entire season.
Bold statement, or just realistic?
Once you get past the William Ligue/generic frat boy stereotypes, I’ve always found that the main difference between Sox and Cubs fans is pessimism versus optimism. And while optimism makes for better greeting cards and self-help books, at the end of the pessimism better prepares you for life’s realities. Like the fact that the Cubs don’t have the hitting, and the Sox don’t have the pitching, to win the World Series this year.
That doesn’t mean I’ve written off the entire season — it just leaves me open for a pleasant surprise rather than having to grin like an idiot and say "Wait ’til next year!"
I’m not saying the Cubs are a World Series lock, but they got to the NLCS with a lot less hitting than they have this year. The team has its flaws, but there isn’t a team in the majors that doesn’t. I don’t think it’s overly optimistic to expect your team to play up to its potential.
As for baseball preparing me for life’s realities: I’ve got a wife, a mortgage, bills and a kid on the way. That is real life to me. If the Cubs win the World Series, I’ll be damn happy about, but it’s not going to change my perspective on life in any way. Maybe when I was 10 years old being a baseball fan in some way helped to shape my personality, but I’m a little old for that now.
Man, hearing you guys go on like this, I’m not sure whether I should play "Glory Days" or "Hungry Heart" next….
Is that Ozzie over at the fire station on 33rd & Parnell?
When you ween, you ha mo fun. I no ha fun yesterday becau we no ween.
Hungry Heart sucks.
"What’s that you say? Mark Prior is on the line?"
CT, as your senator I understand your concerns. We all have responsibilities, and sometimes it seems like they’re growing faster than the national debt. That’s why we should all take joy in UConn’s triumphant win last night, while recognizing that the Cubs are not all that good.
My first choice was Cito Gaston.
Does anyone have "Boomer" Bevington’s number?
Joe Lieberman was my first choice.
Hey Joe, at least I stayed in there to the end. You imploded after the second primary.
Joe Lieberman was my first. Uh, choice.
Good grief people… I’m 20 years old and the way some of you are talking maybe I should just go outside and shoot myself or something. This level of pessimism is something, even for me.
Barring a high number of injuries the Cubs should win this division. The Cardinals have the best lineup but their pitching is so worthless except for their closer that I won’t even analyze that team. If they are to win it all they will have to win games 10-8 or 9-7.
The Astros have a slightly better lineup and slightly better overall starting pitching but both are much older than the Cubs’ units. The bullpen is thin and will self-destruct by July. And Jimy Williams is the Anti-Dusty Baker. He makes crazy moves but he doesn’t win with them…
The Cubs have a lineup much better than last year’s, a starting pitching unit that is good already and will be better once Prior gets back, and a bullpen that won’t throw fire on a situation before Borowski comes in, unlike last year. Plus, even though he does drive me crazy sometimes, they definitely have the best manager in the division and one of the top two or three in baseball with Dusty Baker. He’s been to one World Series, and should have been in another, in the past two seasons. And, really, that’s all I want.
Al, don’t you have yet another appearance on Fox News to get ready for? Your hair doesn’t look nappy enough to put on camera yet.
1) Cubs
2) Houston (4 Games back)
3) St. Louis (6 Games back)
4) Pittsburgh (9 Games back)
5) Cincinnati (14 Games back)
6) Milwaukee (21 Games back)
If my scurvy-ridden mates are to finish within 9 games of yon Cubbies, then them swabbies will only be winning 75 games, gar.
How’d I do last night? Did we pull it out? I fell asleep in the 8th inning. I don’t know how that damned Jack McKeon stays awake for a full nine inning game.
Uh Steve….Until you stop your Sox fellation, you’re not going to be taken seriously around here. Suggesting Sosa shouldn’t be a part of an all Chicago outfield is ridiculous. He’s been better than Mags over the last few years (although Mags has started his career w/ better #’s than Sosa started his). Even if you want to call that a toss up and take Mags, there is no way that Lee makes that OF over Sosa. You can’t give me 1 reason that would even be feasable. Also, if you could let me know who is going to the Series so I can bet the farm on it I would appreciate it. I could also use your prognosticating skills to see if my lotto numbers are any good.
I’d like to thank Sen. Lieberman for his support, now where the hell’s my tax cut?
TW, until you stop asking me to predict random events like lotto drawings, I can’t take YOU seriously.
What IS certain is that the Cubs aren’t going to the World Series, and that Sammy Sosa is currently the fourth-best outfielder in a Chicago uniform, as you’ll see after he fails to hit 30 this year. It’s called a career in decline — accept it, and be grateful that he gets to face the pathetic pitching of the Cards, Pirates, Reds, and Brewers so many times this year.
I know you find elation in "fellation," but you need to get that cork out of your mouth….
My World Series prediction? Yankees over the D-backs. Hey, it’s as valid as any other prediction, since it’s far easier to name a team that WON’T make it as one that will.
If I like both Chicago teams, does that make me a Friend of Clettite?
Steve,
Are you REALLY A Sox fan? I don’t know one Sox fan that would take Corey Patterson over Aaron Rowand.
And how did you come up with the Diamondbacks? The loss of Curt Schilling makes them a better team how????? I will bet you $5 per victory and a date with Tipper Gore that the Cubs finish with a better record than the Sox and the Diamondbacks.
By the way, if you think the Cubs divison has so many pathetic pitchers, you really should look at the staffs (stiffs) of Cleveland, Detrot, Kansas City and Minnesota.
I do agree that with you that it is easier to pick a team that WON’T win the WS than one that will, but afterall, that’s how a White Sox fan thinks. I can hear the rally cry again this year…..’As long as we just beat the Cubs……’
I think Steve made a great pick. The Diamondbacks are better than ever. As a Sox fan he knows what a great impact Roberto Alomar will have for us. He also knows that despite a torn elbow ligament that Luis Gonzalez will keep raking the ball. He knows, like me that Shea Hillenbrand isn’t overrated at all offensively, and that’s not really the worst defensive third baseman in the world. He also knows that Steve Finley will never get old and decline and that Robby Hammock is a stud behind the plate. He also knows that even though Brandon Webb got lit up all spring and that Casey Fossum’s hurt, and that Schilling and Miguel Batista are gone that we have the pitching to win it all!
Brilliant!
But he also knows that the Cubs won’t win it because if they did his small penis would feel all the more inadequate.
Mickey, I’m a Sox fan, not a braindead fanatic. I certainly would take Patterson over Rowand. In a few years, I may not say the same thing about centerfield if Jeremy Reed pans out. We’ll see — "wait’ll the year after the year after next year," as they say at Sluggers.
I came up with the D-backs out of a hunch that they’re the best in the NL West (a division almost as crappy as the AL Central), and that in a short series The Unit and Brandon Webb can make a difference. I could very well be wrong. Somehow the Phillies seemed too obvious a choice.
I mentioned the pathetic pitching in the Cubs division re: Sammy Sosa’s great best hope for putting up decent numbers. Nowhere in that statement was there an endorsement of the AL Central staffs.
Beating the Cubs is a habit for the Sox. Get ready for more stupid Jose and Magglio chants, my friend.
And what, pray tell, makes it CERTAIN that the Cubs aren’t going to the WS? Other than the fact you have decreed it so?
And let’s compare Lee to Sosa since 2000 (after Sosa’s 2 monster years)…The difference in games played is +3 Sosa.
Hits- Sosa +53
2B- Lee +10
3B- Even (8)
HR-Sosa +98
RBI’s-Sosa +140
AVG- Sosa +.023
OBP- Sosa +.061
SLG- Sosa +.146
OPS+ Lee 110/Sosa 166
Even if he’s in decline he’s still better. Easily. Lee is a very good player but not in the same league as Sosa or Ordonez. That assertion is a joke.
I thought we had Schilling. Didn’t he come over here with that other Yankee pitcher?
When did we trade him? Christ, I gotta try to stop dozing off. Do we still have Oswalt?
Hey gringos, who compared me to Ordonez? He’s by far the best outfielder in Chee-ca-go.
Why in God’s name would anyone have a tribute to that dog-loving racist cheapskate Marge Schott? What was it, members of the KKK in full hoods and sheets burning crosses at home plate? That would have been the appropriate tribute for ol’ Miss Hitler Was Good At The Beginning. With apologies to Jim Ross of the WWE, "WHY, DAMMIT? WHY? WHY? WHY?"
Caballo-
Steve was saying he’s better than Sosa. To claim that you have to put him on par w/ Ordonez. The difference between Mags and Sosa isn’t that big. If you don’t equate him to being on the same level as Mags you are saying Sosa is a 3rd tier OF. Which is even sillier.
Marge Schott was my first. Uh, choice.
TW, save it for October. Then we can look back at the crappy year has-been Sammy had, and the great one Carlos Lee had. Then you can tell me how right I was. But you still won’t get to fellate me.
Three things in life are certain: death, taxes, and the Cubs failure to make it to the World Series. My decree is plenty good backing for why this is so.
Sure thing Steve. Then we can also look at the great season Alou had and the crappy season the over-rated Ordonez had.
Hey why not? It’s just as insane as the Lee>Sosa arguement.
Only one team has won a playoff series in Chicago since the White Sox threw the 1919 World Series.
That’d be the Cubs.
But we’re the losers, right Sox fans?
Again TW, the equation goes something like this:
Maggs > Carlos Lee > Corey Patterson > Sammy Sosa > Moises Alou > Aaron Rowand
Listen to me now and hear me later. Peace out.
If I see that correctly you have Sosa as a 4th tier OF? Out of morbid curiosity, who are the other OF’s in bseball that you would rate as Sosa’s equal?
Sorry, Steve – I don’t mean to sell you out here, but I have to disagree with you here. Out of the Chicago position players, I’ll take Ordonez over Sosa (very close), and Lee over Alou (even closer), and Olivo over Barrett, but that’s it.
I’m a huge Sox fan, but this past season has really soured me on the team. I’m fed up with Reinsdorf’s cheap fixes, as if throwing Ozzie into the manager’s spot is going to fix everything. The attitude of the general Sox fanbase last October was also disgusting; people seem more preoccupied with what the Cubs are doing than with what the Twins and Royals are doing.
If we’re going around the horn…
C-Both aren’t very good right now but Olivo has the better upside.
1B-Thomas
2b-Pick ’em. Walker is the best hitter of the group, Grudz is probably the best fielder.
SS-Pick ’em. Do you want O (Valentin) or D (Gonzales). I think Jose hurts you more than he helps you. You’re break even w/ Gonzo.
3B-Right now… A-Ram. In 3 years I have a feeling Crede will be better. The dude can rake.
LF-Lee
CF-Patterson
RF-Pick ’em. Do you want your RBI’s from HR’s or base hits? Sosa is my preference but I won’t argue w/ Ordonez lovers.
For giggles…
SP-Prior, Wood, Zambrano, Loiaza, Bueherle
I’ll take Lee over Thomas at 1B. Based on last year’s OPS+, Thomas was about 10% better than Lee (Thomas 149, Lee 135). Lee makes up for the difference in stolen bases and in Gold Glove defense.
We’re losing 3-1. When did the game start? How come nobody woke me?
the "ettite" half of Clettite has a hot wife … too bad he ditched her:
http://www.sportsgoons.com/Vol2_Iss6/clemens_pettite.htm
SI cover jinx?
UCONN had Okafor and Taurasi on their basketball preview for this season.
The national champs this year in both Mens’ and Womens’ Basketball?
The University of Connecticut.
Two SI correct predictions down, one to go for 2004.
I think I’m off to Knoxville, TN to console a heartbroken Brittany Jackson (the hottest female in sports).
The scientists, not the philosophers, now address most effectively the great questions of existence, the mind, and the meaning of the human condition. by texas holdem