I think it’s time for a good old fashioned Vin Scully-esque ode to baseball:

You know, the great thing about baseball is that it’s a literal cacophony. The sound of the bat striking the ball, the sound of the ball hitting the leather of the first baseman’s mitt just before the thud of the runner’s foot hits the bag. The sound of the crowd as the hush of the promise of a long drive to left field turns into the roar of a two-run homer. The sound of a drunken fan bitch-slapping a helpless umpire before being pummelled into submission by two teams and a phalanx of security guards. Yes, baseball truly is, America’s grand old game.

The last time the Royals were at Comiskey.

Last night.

Ahh, seems like old times.

And so today, Chicago sports talk radio, Chicago talk radio in general and the newspapers are awash with “Why does this happen?” I’ll tell you why.

Actually, the Waco Kid from Blazing Saddles will explain it.

“These are simple people. The common clay. The salt of the earth… You know. Morons.”

Let’s break it down scientifically. What makes a typical Cubs fan?

There are three types. The “Iowa” (or any other rural part of the Midwest) Cub fan who saves up all winter until they scrape together enough money to drive the combine into the big city for a game. They come to the game dressed head to toe in Cubs garb. They bring bologna sandwiches and a can of Royal Crown Cola (wrapped in tin foil to keep it cool) to the game and they have a good time.

There’s the yuppie Cub fan who comes to the game right from work and spends the game with his cellphone attached to his ear. He wouldn’t know Moises Alou from Lou Dobbs and he is pretty content to sit in the bleachers and stare at the hooters of the hot, drunk girls that surround him.

Then there’s the actual Cubs fan who comes to the game to have a few beers, actually expects them to win and then gets pissed when they don’t. You know.

Us.

But Sox fans are a different lot. There are no Iowa Sox fans. There are no “cell-phone” Sox fans, either. (Ironic, considering the name of the building they play in.) The only electronic devices being worn by Sox fans are those house arrest anklets. Basically, Sox fans are rednecks. Sox crowds look like every night is Mullet Night at the old ballpark. The skinny girls all look like Axl Rose did in 1989, the fat girls all have Paul Konerko jerseys on. The guys either look like everybody who was ever in a Saturday Night Live Superfans skit, or like Snake Plisken.

One of my best friends is a Sox fan and it’s tradition that if I’m at a Sox game I get to point out the losers and say, “Nice fan.” He does the same to me at Wrigley. Sadly, we’re both usually kept pretty busy.

We won’t even get into the nonsense of Sox fans calling all Cubs fans losers. I think when one city has the two teams in all of pro sports that have gone the longest without winning a world championship, both sets of fans should put that word to bed. But that’s just me.

Here’s the difference between Cubs and Sox fans. Chances are if you see a retarded child at a baseball game he’s a Cubs fan. It’s true. The Cubs are the official team of Down Syndrome. Now, before you Sox fans get so excited that you nearly cause the wheels to fall off of your house, the reason that retarded children root for the Cubs and not the Sox is that even they know better.

Cue standard shot of Corky from “Life Goes On.”

Yay! Cubs!

Speaking of the mentally challenged, did you see any of the shots of Illini Nation throwing themselves headlong under the Bill Self bus last night? I don’t know if the show of support was impressive or simply pathetic. Hundreds of Illini fans showed up outside the team’s awards banquet last night and formed a human tunnel for Bill Self to walk through on his way into the hotel. They had shirts on that said “I Love My Self” and they chanted for him to stay.

What, stalking isn’t illegal in Champaign-Urbana? I think Bill Self is a great coach. I think he’s doing a great job, but come on, show some self-respect. He’s a basketball coach! The fervor with which he’s being begged to stay was only matched in begging history by me on prom night. I hope that this begging works out better than mine did, but chances are both will result in restraining orders being issued all around.

Self thinks that Kansas is after somebody else as a top choice, though I find that hard to believe. Yesterday I put the odds of him leaving at 2:1 with the smart money on him wearing a Kansas sweatervest by the weekend. But if there’s one thing that basketball coaches love, it’s being loved. So, despite the fact I just snarked at the Illini Nation for being sad, and pathetic and needy, I think it just might work. I think it’s even money now.

Besides, they don’t even have burritos as big as your head in Lawrence.

The Bulls won their milestone 30th game of the season last night. What time is the Grant Park rally? Thirty? This is a big deal? Oh, that’s so sad. This is a franchise that has a banner in the rafters for a team that went 72-10. Seventy-two! We’re supposed to get fired up about a successful season that ends with the teams TWENTY-TWO games under .500?

If these are the new glory days, I’m heading over to Sport Mart to have a Brad Sellers custom jersey made. Sigh.

Oh, and by the way, the Cubs won yesterday. Eleven to one. Sorry, I said that wrong. Let’s try that again.

The first place Chicago Cubs won 11-1 yesterday over the Cincinnati Reds. I know it’s April 16, but “the first place Chicago Cubs” never gets old.

Maybe that’s because it happens so rarely.

The Sox fans readers always complain that the Sox never get an equal mention in the links. Well, today’s your lucky day!

The Kansas City Royals ran their record to 11-1 and Sox fans celebrated by running around the field shirtless and trying to dry hump an umpire. Even that reminds me of prom night.

The Sox “beefed” up security in response to what happened the last time the Royals were in town. Uh, try it again, guys.

Maybe somebody finally meant “kill the ump!”

Greg Couch wonders what the hell is going on.

The wind was blowing out at Wrigley, but apparently the Reds didn’t notice. And the “dump Shawn Estes” cries are silenced…for four more days.

Laughable Cubs notes from Paul Sullivan…The Cubs make errors because they “try too hard”–sell stupid someplace else, buddy…Mark Bellhorn is red hot with his four game hitting streak…Dusty’s afraid to let Mark Prior pinch hit…the Cubs are not concerned about Dave Veres’ slow start—well, I sure as hell am.

Illinois fans’ last ditch, desperate attempt to keep Bill Self stopped one step short of boiling his bunny.

Rick Morrissey says that the Illini Nation is being a little too needy.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to use my Rock Chalk Jayhawk joke and to be at the same time optimisitc and pessimisitc about Bill Self’s Illini future.

John Paxson had breakfast with Jerry Krause yesterday. If I were Paxson, I’d have feared that Jerry would try and eat me.

Paxson has hit the ground running, let’s hope that involves the words “working on a trade of Jalen Rose.” Jalen wants to represent the Bulls at the draft lottery. How about seeing if he could trade himself for somebody’s pick?

Jamal Crawford wants to get paid.

Even I wasn’t this excited when I turned 30.

Mike Brey isn’t going anywhere. But we told you that yesterday.

What is this about Groucho and George the limo driver and what does it have to do with anything?

Mike Mulligan buys into that same old “you don’t need a great quarterback to win a Super Bowl” crap. It’s not true. Great quarterbacks make teams great. No team that has ever made a sustained run of excellence has done so without a stud QB. Isn’t that what teams try to do? Build a great team and make it last? Sigh.

The Wizard of Roz says that Steve Stone is finally over the whole “never gonna be a GM” thing.

MLB’s security chief is on his way to Chicago right now.

David Aldrige remains an MJ kiss-ass to the very end.

Andy Katz says that Bill Self is conflicted.

Has Jim Caple ever been funny? Ever? This, this is just sad. And about a week and a half late.

Roy Jones, Jr. wants a piece of Laz Diaz, now.

Melissa Etheridge is…engaged. Well, the second syllable is right at least.

Oh my God! One of Al Gore’s daughters got a book deal and a movie deal to write what might be the most boring book/screenplay ever written. I’m not saying there aren’t interesting stories about women and politics to be told. I’m just saying they won’t be interesting if they come off the pen of a Gore. This, after all, is the Gore daughter (the one with the big overbite) who wrote the “hilarious” Diet Coke joke in his convention speech. You know the speech that saw his lead in the polls…vanish.

Somebody is not too fond of the Easter Bunny.

Wait a minute, HBO sent Oliver Stone to Cuba with a camera (and a hilariously cheesy mustache) and were amazed that his piece was pro-Castro? Have they never met Oliver before?

America’s finest news source with the story that Saddam Hussein is still proud that he killed more Iraqis than the United States did.