I know that some of you come here every day just so I can put things in perspective for you. You are convinced that I’m a calm, rational, deep thinker who would never steer you wrong. I appreciate the confidence. But you know that you’re all drunk, right?

However, allow me to shed a little light on the Kerry Wood disabled list issue, if I can.

Yesterday, we surmised that the Cubs were trying to have their cake and eat it too, by first having Kerry serve his five game suspension and then put him on the DL retroactive to the day after he last pitched. It apparently didn’t work.

So are the Cubs just hellaciously dumb?

Well, sure. But not on this one.

Kerry’s best case scenario was to have him pitch on Sunday night against the Cardinals, but if he did that he’d bump Matt Clement, and the Cubs decided that it was foolish to take a chance with Kerry when they already had a good pitcher going on normal rest. The Cubs have an off day on Monday, and then The Lawnmower going against Houston on Tuesday. The Lawnmower loves pitching against the Astros. Greg Maddux is set to go on Wednesday and then the Cubs have Thursday off. By DL’ing Wood retroactive to May 12, he can still pitch on Friday against Pittsburgh, which, given that he’s not ready to pitch today or tomorrow was the next time the Cubs absolutely needed him anyway.

Besides, if he can’t get his suspension reduced, how big a deal is a five gamer anyway? When Prior comes back on June 4 or 5 it’s right after another off day on the third. You could throw Prior into the mix, have Kerry start his suspension right after that next start and then leave the Meat Tray in for one last start so that Kerry starts the day before and the day after his suspension. Big whup.

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The Franchise took his act on the road last night and threw three hitless innings in Lansing.

I say we don’t rush the kid, how about leaving him in Lansing all year! OK, maybe not.

My favorite part of the article on Cubs.com about his appearance last night was this:

Prior was also the victim of a practical joke before the game as Lansing manager Julio Garcia wrote the name of Cubs catcher Paul Bako into the lineup. Prior was told that Bako was coming down from the team to catch the game. Prior burst into Garcia’s office before being told it was a joke and that the Lugnuts’ regular catcher, Jake Fox, would indeed be his batterymate.

Prior praised Fox’s work.

Desipio has the exclusive text of what Prior said to Julio Garcia during that exchange:

[Manager’s office door flies open] Mark Prior: What is this @#$%? [Points at lineup card] You sent Bako down to catch me? I thought I was going to get to work with a real catcher for a change? I’m outta here. If I wanted to work with a catcher the caliber of Paul Bako I’d go over to Brother Rice and work out with the JV catcher!

That has to make Paul feel warm all over, doesn’t it?

Speaking of Paul Bako, who is officially the worst player in the Major Leagues, his epic performance yesterday (0-3 with an intentional walk, lowering his average to .162), you may have noticed that the Bak-o-meter on the main page has been downgraded to God-awful. We got word from Tom Ridge’s office yesterday during the game to change the alert status.

Honestly, what is the benefit of keeping Bako around? He only plays because he gets to catch Maddux (and by now, Greg has to be tired of that). He’s a lefthanded batter, but he never gets a hit, so what does that matter? For all this talk about strapping Corey Patterson to an outbound train, don’t we have like six losers to get rid of before we even consider Corey?

The Cardinals come into town today and that means two things.

1) An influx of banjo playing in Chicago this weekend.
2) Cubs Live! threads for all three games, including the big Sunday night clash, which gives us an always fun chance to mock the Anti-Christ, Joe Morgan. Oh, and it’s Tim McCarver and Joe Buck on Saturday on Fox. I’m getting a Merckerian aneurysm just thinking about that.

The Cardinals are actually playing well right now and they get to pick on the Meat Tray and Glendon Rusch today and tomorrow. It could be ugly. Actually, whenever Dave Duncan is involved in anything it’s ugly. Break a mirror kind of ugly.

The last time we saw Tony Womack his batting average was about .100 points higher than it is right now. What a shock that he’s going in the tank! Who saw this coming? Ray Lankford’s only dropped about .070, so he’s red hot!

I honestly don’t know what to expect this weekend. The Cubs played horridly in the three gamer with the hapless Giants, including giving up a game winning homer to Neifi Perez.

Neifi Perez?!? What, Jose Uribe wasn’t available?

I’ll tell you one thing. If Derrek Lee ever wanted to get his head out of his ass and do something, now would be a good time.

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Speaking of GameCasts, our NBA expert Matt Turvey will be along tonight for game one of the Western Conference Finals between the Lakers and Timberwolves. Coverage starts at 8 p.m. Central Daylight Time.

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As always, thanks for clicking on the Google ads. And don’t stop now. You just got good at it.

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Mark Prior thoroughly dominated in his Class A debut! This kid’s got potential. Remember that name.

Phil Rogers can’t figure out why the Cubs don’t want Rich Aurilia. I mean come on, just a few years ago, he could actually play.

Rick Morrissey sings the Guns ‘n’ Roses classic, “Patience.”

Neifi F. Perez? Are you f@#$ing kidding me? Hey, Borowski! There’s a bus here! Be under it!

Bill Jauss has a schedule. How nice for him. Jaussy? Go get some pudding and take a nap.

Groucho thinks KG might be ready to become Michael Jordan. Then, about eight paragraphs later he decides he’s wrong.

Brad Biggs drew the short straw and had to drive to Lansing.

John Jackson on how far the NHL has sunk.

Curtis Strange has left ABC. You think that’s strange. What about this?

The Wizard of Roz on the Twins. Who are they playing this weekend? Oh, who cares?

ESPN goes to Montreal Expos expert Matt Herges (huh?) for his opinion on where the Expos should relocate to. He suggested Urbana. I think Rantoul would be better.

Ray Ratto on the Warriors and Mike Montgomery and just how dumb are these people?

The Washington Post has some new Iraqi prisoner photos. There’s one of a prisoner covered in what looks like poop. That’s not abuse. That’s Thursday for Karry Ling.

Wait a minute, does this guy look like a pervert to you?

“Wait, dude. You mean it’s still illegal to drink and drive? That sucks!”

Sure, everybody’s a loser on The Bachelor, but the runner up puked during the finale. Nice.

America’s finest news source with a guy who has decided to return to that crime scene.