Jalen Rose is not an All-Star. I’m not passing judgement, I’m just looking at the All-Star roster and he’s not on it.

This has made Jerry Krause very angry. And we don’t want to see Jerry very angry. It’s scary. He gets upset and his neck gets even bigger and he turns red and he starts yelling strange things.

“This is one of the worst decisions I’ve seen in a long time,” the Hamster said, his face contorting with anger. “I wonder if the coaches voting are seeing the same thing we’re seeing. Jalen Rose is an All-Star. He belongs on the All-Star team. He has been wronged as a player and wronged as a person. I’m not getting into other individuals, but Jalen is an All-Star.”

As his blood sugar level dropped, he began to rant and rave obsessively. “What are you smiling at Mariotti? I see you!” Though Jay Mariotti was not present at the time, Krause continued. “I hate that show you have on ESPN–the stupid little game show with the buzzers and the yelling and the points that don’t make any sense! You know what game show I like? The all-new ‘Press Your Luck’ on Game Show Network. That’s a good show. The Whammy guys are in three-d now. It’s so cool.

“But Jalen’s an All-Star. I know, I’ve seen lots of All-Stars. Like in 1994 we had BJ Armstrong. He was an All-Star. I always liked Marc Iavaroni, I think he wasn an All-Star (Andy’s note: Nope.) You know who had a pretty name? Swen Nader. Isn’t that a pretty name? I like it. Swen. I think I’ll go by Swen. Is it Swen or Sven? Either way. It’s pretty.

“You know what else is pretty? Art. I like Art. We’ve had artists on the team before. Well, Artis’s. Remember Artis Gilmore? What a player. I didn’t draft him, but I swung a trade late in his career to bring him back. What a great guy. He’s the all-time NBA career leader in field goal percentage. I don’t know if he could paint.

“Have you ever seen the Picasso thing we have in Chicago? What the f@#$ is that thing? It looks like a monkey eating a jaguar. Does anybody have any orange juice or a candy bar? I think I’m going to pass out.

“Jalen Rose can pass out of a double team, I’ll tell you that. He’s an All-Star! What are those coaches looking at? This is Isiah’s fault. That sneakly little jerk. I never liked him. You know what I like?

“Puppies! I like puppies. Always have. You can write that down. ‘Jerry Krause is pro puppy.’ Puppies are cute. Tyson Chandler reminds me of a puppy. He’s cute and athletic and he pees all over the locker room.

“How much of this has been out loud?”

Krause then went on for a good 45 minutes extolling the virtues of puppies. He gave President Bush advice and told him to deliver any of the ‘unpopular’ parts of that night’s State of the Union address while holding a golden retriever puppy. That’s actually not bad advice.

Pick one Gee Dub

Speaking of the State of the Union, I was working last night and missed it, but I heard that neither James Carville or Paul Begala liked it, so I pretty think it must have kicked ass.

How’s that for political analysis?

Let’s get back to Jalen for a moment. The All-Star reserved named to the Eastern Conference squad yesterday were: Zydrunas Ilgauskas of the Cavs, some guy named Michael Jordan of the Wiz, Celtics forwards Paul Pierce and Antoine Walker, Jason Kidd of the Nets, Jamal Mashburn of the Charlotte/New Orleans Hornets/Jazz, and former Bulls center–Mr. Softy himself–Brad Miller of the Pacers.

Only Ilgauskas plays on a team with a worse record than Jalen’s Bulls. And Zydrunas is probably the best real center in the East.

I don’t see much of an argument for Jalen. At all.

Is he better than any of the other guards or forwards?

Kidd? Nope.
Mash? Nope.
Pierce? Nope.
‘Toine? Nope.
Jordan? Well, actually…

So why do we think that The Hamster was so upset that Jalen didn’t make the team? Because his nemesis, Michael Jordan did, and because one of the guys he traded for Jalen (Brad Miller) did, too.

See, now it makes sense.

Given that. If Vince Carter reinjures himself (always likely), Jordan moves into the starting lineup and Jalen probably gets the call as a reserve. So let’s all drive down to New Orleans tonight for the big Barneys-Hornets matchup and throw cups of ice on the court!

What a good idea.

As for Michael Jordan making the All-Star team. Since he’s got a little bit of a resume–one that includes the words “greatest basketball player of all-time”–I think that’s probably a solid reason to put the guy on your All-Star team.

What’s going on in San Francisco? They’re interviewing Monte Kiffin for their open head coaching job? Have we seen the combover on this guy?

Lou

Monte

Wow. I think Lou should sue for combover copyright infringement.

Groucho with more on Jerry Krause’s wrath over Jalen’s All-Star snub.

Groucho continues by pointing out that how the Bulls handle the Jay-Jamal-Brunson point guard situation will tell us just what direction they think they’re heading. If it was me, I’d bench Trenton Hassell, play Jamal at the two for while, see how that goes and split the minutes between Jay and Rick at the point. But then, what do I know.

Could it be that Michigan and Illinois are the class of the Big Ten? Freshmen be damned, they just might be.

The Sackman wants to be a coach, then a head coach and then an owner. Huh?

You have to be a complete dope to think that Title IX is fair as currently written. But as long as the ones getting screwed are MALE non-revenue sport athletes the women’s groups won’t ever care.

In their last 13 games, Notre Dame has been outrebounded ten times. They’re 11-2 in those 13 games. Just to remind you. Stats are good for two things. Starting arguments and emergency toilet paper.

Steve Rosenbloom is funny.

Ron Artest is insane. Let Rick Morrissey count the ways.

Mike Kiley tries to compare the Cubs and Buccaneers. I think the Cubs can win 15 games, too!

Bill Parcells is passing the buck on Emmitt Smith. YOU’VE BEEN WARNED: This article contains a picture of Bill Parcells in shorts. Ewww.

Looks like Arizona “Luted” a candy machine in Lawrence, Kansas.

Is Jim Caple ever funny? Ever?

Like he did with my ‘Chad Pennington is a weenie armed QB’ story, underwear supermodel Len Pasquarelli steals my Dexter Jackson is Larry Brown story idea.

Tom Verducci compares Pudge Rodriguez’s numbers the last three years to those of Mike Piazza. Sort of. He only compares their percentages (batting average, on base and slugging) which are unfair to Piazza because he’s played almost every day the last three years while Pudge has been sleeping in the trainer’s room for 60 games a year.

Speaking of the Mets, here’s another reason to hate them. Wow, are those things ugly.

The Jimmy Kimmel show has already lost its liquor license. I’ve seen all three shows so far. I like Jimmy. But I said it before and I’ll say it again. ‘This show has 11 writers?’ Why?

Really, we need more Batman movies, eh?

Matt Damon is going to make another movie with Stephen Soderberg. Are they dating?

How cool is this? Peter O’Toole turned down an honorary Oscar because at 70, he thinks he’s too young to get one.

Can we get George Ryan to commute the likely death sentence that a White House staffer is going to get for taping over the “Made in China” stamps on some boxes?

Susan Sarandon thinks we care what she thinks.

More fun at the post office. Yikes.

If Sam Donaldson is the answer, what is the freakin’ question?

The Onion with an in depth look at the UN order that Willy Wonka fully comply with chocolate inspections.

For the first time in the long, glorious history of Fox’s epic “Joe Millionaire” you could have knocked me over with a feather last night.

I didn’t see it coming. And this, is why, even though this show sucks on ice, I love it.
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