We kick off our 2003 Baseball Preview with a look at the teams in the junior circuit. We’ve reassembled our crack staff of scouts and we’re ready to give you the kind of deep thinking analysis that you have come to love from us. (As if.)

American League Preview

American League East

New York Yankees
2002 Record: 103-58, first place AL East

Big Stein was so upset that his Yankees didn’t win the World Series for (gasp!) a second straight season that he went to Japan and signed that nation’s most prodigious slugger (and former Chicago Bears fullback) Matt Suhey to play left field. He then went to Cuba and signed former White Sox pitching coach Nardi Contreras to be the team’s superfluous sixth starting pitcher.

The Yankees lineup is solid. Even if Bernie Williams arms have both fallen off, Derek Jeter is suffering from a raging bout with the clap, Jason Giambi is busy getting sissy haircuts and using baking soda for deodorant and Raul Mondesi is eating the entire post game spread all by himself. Additionally, the Yanks have the feel good story of the year in David Wells, who will continue his courageous attempt to throw a perfect game while “all the way” drunk, instead of just half drunk. Good luck, Dave.

Our scouts take: Derek Jeter has the coolest reputation of all time. He’s a good but not great hitter and a decent, though not exceptional fielder, but people think he’s a great player and hot women like to have sex with him… Has anybody ever seen Nick Johnson and Sean Casey in the same room at the same time?… Jorge Posada needs to pony up and hire a freakin’ baby sitter if he makes another All-Star team. We’re all sick of him carrying that little kid around on the field. It’s not like the kid’s Darren Baker or anything… Roger Clemens is trying to be the first pitcher to win his 300th game while weighing 300 pounds… I think this team misses Paul O’Neill more than they admit. Nobody throws a temper tantrum like Paul, and with him out of town there’s nobody to show the other gay players what bars they can drink in on the road… I really hope Don Zimmer’s hemorrhoids have cleared up, he looked pretty rough in that commercial last year.

Boston Red Sox
2002 Record: 93-69, 10.5 games behind NY

Theo Epstein takes over the reigns in Boston and the Old Towne Team has added (get this) real red socks to their uniforms! Well there you go. That ought to do the trick. Better clear a spot on the mantel for the AL Championship trophy and the big World Series one, too.

Theo’s delusion that Bill Mueller can play is almost as scary as his idea that Frank Castillo can pitch. The Sox lineup does look solid, and if they can get another good year out of Derek Lowe and get Casey Fossum to gain 40 pounds (so he’ll weigh 160), they will be good enough to finish a distant second to the Yankees again and have a big playoff watching party at Nomar and Mia’s.

Our scouts take: Bill James has an official role on this team and he appears to be the “stockpiling designated hitters who can’t really play a position” coach. They’ve got Bill Mueller, Shea Hillenbrand, David Ortiz, Kevin Millar and Jeremy Giambi to play three spots. That’s great…if this was a beer league… Grady Little is their manager and he’s a good guy, but it’s hard to take anybody serious who talks like Forrest Gump… I really like this Manny Ramirez guy, he could be really good some day… Pedro Martinez reminds me of an old Juan Cruz… They made the right move in not signing an expensive closer, but that doesn’t mean that you feel comfortable with Bobby Howry, Alan Embree and what’s left of Ramiro Mendoza as your potential closers. Closer by committee works if you’ve got good arms, not this crap… Nomar Garciaparra should finally be back to full strength from his wrist injury. Is it really a surprise that a guy dating a women’s soccer star would have a bad wrist, though?

Toronto Blue Jays
2002 Record: 78-84, 25.5 games behind NY

The Blue Jays also have new uniforms, with a jaunty little bird on them. It’s tough to be taken seriously with a jaunty little bird, but they’ll give it a shot. What the Jays have is enough talent to be good, but not enough to actually win anything. Shannon Stewart was a nice player who for some reason thinks he’s a home run hitter. Vernon Wells should be a good player. Eric Hinske had a great season in 2002. Carlos Delgado is a DH playing first base, but he can flat out rake. They even have a stud closer in Kelvim Escobar and a great young starter in Roy Halladay. But then there are huge holes. The rotation is thin. The bullpen is scary. Oops!

A guy to watch is shortstop Chris Woodard who had a season in 2002 that was statistically better than the aforementioned Mr. Jeter. Also, in EA Sports new MLB Baseball 2003, Woodard is…for no known reason…a God. He’s Miguel Tejada without the accent.

Our scouts take: I’ll give you five dollars if you can name their manager—can’t do it, can you?… I think they fired Buck Martinez last year because of his annoying voice. No, really I think that’s why… Hinske’s good, but I can see why the Cubs let him go, I mean, they had Kevin Orie… Carlos Delgado plays first base like he’s actually using a gold glove. Does that thing even have a hinge in it?… That guy who catches for them could use a shave… I like their bullpen catcher, too. That guy can warm up with the best of him. He’s a stud.

Baltimore Orioles
2002 Record: 67-95, 36.5 games behind NY

Remember not that long ago when Baltimore was a crown jewel of a franchise? They had a beautiful ballpark, a great manager, good players, a farm system and money to burn. Now they’ve got Melvin Mora playing shortstop and BJ Surhoff tying up a roster spot again. I honestly think their plan is to wait it out until Cal Ripken the third is ready to roll.

I mean when you are longing for the days of Leo Gomez and Gary Roenicke, you’ve got problems.

Our scouts take: When Gary Matthews, Jr. is your best hitter you are so bad that if you were a farm animal they’d take you out and shoot you… Melvin Mora’s a great utility guy. Apparently the Orioles have decided to utilize him as a shortstop for 150 games. They might actually get more production out of that position if they literally didn’t use anybody… The death of Steve Bechler was tragic, but it leaves more pants for Sidney Ponson… Remember how close this team was to the World Series just six years ago? Yeah, neither do I… Mike Hargrove is a good manager, but this situation is a mess. They have no discernible plan. The least of their worries should be whether or not Washington DC gets a major league team, it should be when will Baltimore get one.

Tampa Bay Devil Rays
2002 Record: 55-106, 48 games behind NY

The future is never in Tampa Bay. They won 55 games last year. Fifty-five! There were six teams in the NBA Western Conference who won more games than that last year. Now they have a real manager in Lou Pinella, but no real players. Honestly, look at their roster. If you were looking at the potential in 2003 how many of their guys would you want on your team? One? Aubrey Huff, maybe. It’s a mess. They’re going to force feed kids like Rocco Baldelli and Carl Crawford, but they’re not ready. They play in a horrendous faculty, have no fans and could only draw a crowd if they scheduled an Arena Football game after theirs. In short, Tampa Bay has no business having a big league baseball team.

Our scouts take: This might be a good double A team—might be… Lou Piniella is going to go insane trying to manage this bunch. They have some talent, but not a lot. The good news is that most of the kids will play hard, but hard work doesn’t hit a curve ball… The thing that makes it worse is that with the unbalanced schedule they’re guaranteed to get their heads beaten in more than 30 times by the Yankees and Red Sox. They have no shot… If Piniella could win 70 games with this bunch he should be automatically given the manager of the year award… I liked some of the extras in “The Rookie” who played for the D-Rays than some of the guys on this roster… They really should start the games at 4 p.m. every day and bill it as an Early Bird Special. They’re the only team whose fan base has an average age of “dead.”

American League Central

Minnesota Twins
2002 Record: 94-67, first place in AL Central

They started the 2002 season with t-shirts that said, “Contract this” and finished it with ones that said “AL Central Champs.” Not bad for a team that the White Sox dismissed in spring training. But the Twins are just plain good. They have a solid offense, play great defense, are great on the basepaths, have good starting pitching and a very good bullpen. They’re easily the class of this division. However, not all is grand in Minnesota. They still have enormous mosquitoes, Kirby Puckett still roams free and…it’s Minnesota and they have to live there. Blecch.

Our scouts take: I don’t know why they call him Everyday Eddie Guardado. He doesn’t pitch every day. Heck, some days the Twins don’t even play… Doug Mientkiewicz is JT Snow with a worse name. He’s still living off a good first half in 2001. They’d be better off with Mike Cuddyer at first and Mike Restovich in right field… AJ Pierzynski is an equal opportunity offender. Other teams hate him, but so do his teammates. He can rake, though, and when prospect Joe Mauer is ready, the Twins will trade AJ and get a lot for him. If I were the equipment manager at Wrigley Field, I’d start practicing how to spell Pierzynski… They signed Kenny Rogers, which is a nice move, but for two million dollars? He hasn’t had a number one hit since “Lady.”… Torii Hunter is the best defensive centerfielder in the game, no apologies to Andruw or Junior.

Chicago White Sox
2002 Record: 81-81, 13.5 games behind MIN

The Sox needed to improve their pitching if they were to have any hope of catching the Twins. So they went out, and with the help of Big Stein they were able to get Bartolo Colon for nothing. They also traded Keith Foulke and his mono-digit IQ to Oakland for loose cannon Billy Koch. So they’re going to be the team to beat, right? Wrong. The Sox cannot catch the ball at first, second, shortstop, center or left field. They are at this very moment panicking about their catching situation. They are also relying on Tom Gordon to play a big role in the bullpen, and as we all know, the odds on him getting injured are always 1:1.

What the Sox have done with Colon is made this a legitimate two team race, though. One of these days Mark Buehrle’s mighty pedestrian stuff will start to get hit and hit hard, but that’s not likely to be this year. If Colon and Buehrle can combine for 35 wins that’s a great start at winning the otherwise awful AL Central.

Our scouts take: The Sox hyped three guys for no apparent reason the last two years. Willie Harris who has no position and can’t hit, Josh Paul who can’t hit, and Miguel Olivo who can’t hit. It’s left them with churlish D’Angelo Jiminez at second and nothing behind the plate. Unless you count the decaying corpse of Sandy Alomar as a catcher… Paul Konerko still has a bad foot. He’s always been slow, but right now he looks like he’s walking when he’s running and standing still when he’s walking… Frank Thomas played more first base than usual this spring because of Konerko’s foot, but he’s still a butcher at first. He’s got bad hands and almost refuses to throw the ball. Teams like the Twins tell their players that if they think any throw over to first might be close enough to catch them that they should immediately head for second because they don’t think Thomas will even make the throw. That’s bad… Getting Brian Daubauch was a nice move. He’s a far better player than Jeff Liefer ever was… One of these days they’ll figure out that Aaron Rowand and Tony Graffanino stink… Carlos Lee will never be a star, and he’ll always be a bad outfielder, but if he’s your seven hitter, you’ve got a good offense… Magglio Ordonez can’t be underrated if everybody acknowledges that’s underrated… Joe Borchard’s plate discipline makes Corey Patterson look like Barry Bonds… Joe Crede had a great month when he came up, but there’s a reason he sat in the minors so long. He hit 12 homers in about six weeks last year, he’ll be lucky to hit 20 for the entire season… There’s a reason Billy Koch had 11 wins last year in Oakland. He blows saves.

Cleveland Indians
2002 Record: 74-88, 20.5 games behind MIN

Who the hell are these guys? Travis Hafner? Didn’t he make text-based sports video games in the 80s? Milton Bradley? The Monopoly guy? Coco Crisp? The cereal? What a freaking mess.

Actually, it’s not a mess. The Indians have a load of good young talent, headed by Hafner and Brandon Phillips and CC Sabathia and Dennis Baez (Joan’s son). Had Jim Thome stayed, he’d have provided a nice balance to the very young offense, but Karim Garcia (yeah, that Karim Garcia) and Ellis Burks will be left to provide that. At least Wil Cordero is still around to show the young players how to completely squander their talent.

Our scouts take: Eric Wedge is their manager and he’s only 35. It’s too bad he can’t play because they could use a backup catcher… Josh Bard is the frontline catcher and he’s pretty good, though he’s prone to long, wordy soliloquies when he goes to the mound to visit the pitcher… One of the Dolans owns the team, which is always a bad thing… They will irritate opponents because they’re pretty athletic at almost every position, but they have little depth and the pitching isn’t up to snuff… Karim Garcia was a phenom ten years ago. Woof… Ricky Gutierrez had his spine fused in the offseason, that can’t be a good thing, can it?… Remember when they had Jaret Wright–yeah, that seems like a long time ago…

Kansas City Royals
2002 Record: 62-100, 32.5 games behind MIN

Like the Orioles, the Royals have a glorious past and a multi-multi-million dollar owner and they are just awful. Unlike the Orioles, the Royals have some really good offensive players. Like the Orioles they can’t really pitch.

They seem resigned to losing Carlos Beltran to free agency after the season, which would trigger an escape clause in Mike Sweeney’s contract which would leave them with Dermal Brown and Raul Ibanez to carry the offense. Oh, this is sad.

The best thing about the Royals is that they have the only manager in the game (Tony Perez) who manages the entire game with his ass and legs sprawled out across the dugout.

Our scouts take: Mike Sweeney might be the best right-handed hitter in the league, not that anybody would notice… Raul Ibanez has a weird shaped head, he’s kind of like ET… Angel Berroa looks like a great player until the game actually starts… Do they even have pitching? They might be better off letting the other team use a tee… Joe Randa needs to have that weird little smile knocked off his face with a high and tight fastball… I like Dee Brown. He’s a three-sport stud. He plays for the Royals, is a running back for the Carolina Panthers and made the All-Big Ten rookie team in basketball this year at the University of Illinois. Who knew?… Mike MacDougal reminds me of Kyle Farnsworth of the Cubs–except for the showing up for work every day with a hangover part.

Detroit Tigers
2002 Record: 55-106, 36 games behind MIN

They brought in Alan Trammell and Lance Parrish and Kirk Gibson to bring some attitude to the team. That’d be great, except Trammell, Parrish and Gibson might still be their three best players. One thing they’ve got going for them is Carlos Pena, who should be a very good first baseman for a long time. But until they finally launch the horribly overrated Bobby Higginson, they’re never going anywhere. They moved the fences in as a knee jerk reaction to other teams’ sluggers complaining that it was too hard to hit homers. Boo hoo. Since the Tigers have no power, moving in the fences will actually make it easier for other teams to win at Comerica. Nice move.

Our scouts take: I like Eric Munson, but he has no position. Pena’s set at first, Munson’s not a good catcher and he’s too slow to play the outfield. Other than that, he’s great… Is Damion Easley still alive? Really?… Dean Palmer? Man, who’s the general manager, Abe Vigoda?… Dave Dombrowski will build this into a good team, but it’s going to take a loooooong time… Dmitri Young is fun to watch. When he takes his hat off he looks like Bozo the clown… Comerica Park is really cool, they did a nice job, even if it is surrounded by Detroit.

American League West

Oakland A’s
2002 Record: 103-59, first place in AL West

Two years in a row the A’s were the best team in the American League and they have nothing to show for it but a pair of disappointing first round playoff losses. If it wasn’t Derek Jeter making a ridiculous play in 2001 it was Billy Koch turning a one run deficit into a four run deficit in game five last year. Every year they lose people, but so far it hasn’t phased them. They’ll have to make do this year without the electric personality of Art Howe (snicker, snicker) and without the former Mr. Halle Berry, Dave Justice. I think they’ll get by.

Having Jermaine Dye for a full season will be a help, as will a full year of Ted Lilly. But whatever the reasons for playing Chris Singleton in center every day are, they can’t be good ones. Keith Foulke has been brought in to close, which is fine as long as a spelling bee doesn’t break out. Mark Johnson will prove on yet another team that he’s a woefully inadequate backup catcher. If he didn’t bat from the left side, he’d never play.

But, with Seattle in decline, the Angels not likely to do that again and bona fide studs like Miguel Tejada and Eric Chavez in their primes, the A’s are the team to beat. Especially if they decide to actually win games in April and May this year.

Our scouts take: Nobody has a top three to match Barry Zito, Mark Mulder and Tim Hudson, except maybe John, Paul and George… Foulke will do fine for them. He pitched better than Jerry Manuel wanted to admit last year, and he’s a lot more reliable than Billy Koch… If you are a GM and Billy Beane calls to offer you a trade—hang up… Eric Chavez is what Mike Brey would call “fabulous”… There’s nothing Chavez can’t do… Tejada deserved the MVP last year, and could be poised for a better year… Adam Piatt has been an up and coming prospect for like ten years now, does that still count?… Their catching isn’t very good. Ramon Hernandez is fat and Mark Johnson can’t play… With all of the supposed talent they’ve had in their system, why is Scott Hatteberg still playing first base?… Terrence Long is overrated, and Chris Singleton isn’t thought of highly enough by anybody to be overrated… Dye is great, but we could go to the YMCA and find a better left and centerfielder than what they’re using…

Anaheim Angels
2002 Record: 99-63, 4 games behind OAK, AL Wild Card

We may very well look back on 2002 and say (much like we do to the 1997 Florida Marlins) “they won the World Series?” The Angels were the right team at the right time. A good, if not very good team that got hot and kept on rolling. Gritty players like Darin Erstad and David Eckstein to go with major talents like Troy Glaus and Francisco Rodriguez made it happen. But it’s not likely to happen again, any time soon. A team led by the world’s oldest 34 year old in Tim Salmon and a fictional monkey isn’t exactly the stuff dynasties are made of.

They do have a cool manager and some pretty good starting pitchers though. In fact, if they were in the AL Central you could probably feel comfortable with their chances for this year. But they’re not, and I don’t.

Our scouts take: I loved that monkey, but when it ran out to get the bat and JT Snow had to save it, you knew that baseball was going to crack down on that stuff—huh? Oh, that wasn’t the Rally Monkey? I always get Kannon Kile, Darren Baker and that stupid monkey confused… Troy Glaus is studly, even if he only has one wrist this year. He’ll only hit 35 homers then… Darin Erstad is the best punter in pro baseball (take that Farns)… Mike Scioscia is one more Dodger Dog from going the Billy Connors route and just saying, “Oh screw it, I’m wearing the windbreaker every day.”… Their bullpen is full of guys with bad glasses, it’s like an Elton John concert down there… Scott Spiezio has no business playing first base on a World Series champion, who does he think he is, Mark Grace?… They won the World Series with a rookie starting game seven, that’s pretty good, it gives teams with guys like Casey Fossum hope (not really)… What is with the rock pile in center field? Disney owns them, right? I’m surprised there aren’t friggin’ log rides down that thing during the games… Garrett Anderson used to be the least productive .300 hitter in the bigs, or at least that’s what Rob Neyer said…

Seattle Mariners
2002 Record: 93-69, 10 games behind OAK

The Mariners won 23 fewer games in 2002 than they did in 2001 and they still finished 24 games over .500. To put that into perspective, if the Cubs won 23 fewer games than they did last year they’d be 44-118. Yikes, indeed.

The Mariners are puzzling. They still have a good team, but other than Ichiro they really don’t have any stars anymore. John Olerud doesn’t count, Edgar Martinez finally got too old to hit, Mike Cameron slammed into reality and Jeff Cirillo should feel guilty taking his checks to the bank. They do have Freddy Garcia (the older version of Carlos Zambrano) and the world’s oldest closer, 87-year-old Kazu Sasaki. They’re basically a team in transition from an old, good team to a old bad team. Not a nice transition.

They do have Jamie Moyer back, though, which means another year of his father-in-law, Digger Phelps, terrorizing the skyboxes at Safeco Field.

Another guy to watch is crazy Australian Chris Snelling. He’s just plain, fun.

Our scouts take: Ichiro’s numbers dropped in almost every category last year and he was still one of the best players in the game. He’s the only player right now who can hit a routine grounder to short and have a good shot at beating it out… Ben Davis should be their number one catcher, but he gets worse every year… Mark McLemore can play almost everywhere, but he shouldn’t be playing every day… Mike Cameron can help you if he’s hitting .250, but not at .230… Gil Meche gave up TEN earned runs in one inning in his last spring training start—he’s ready… Arthur Rhodes and Jeff Nelson throw some serious s@$# in that bullpen… Joel Piniero should be ready to take off this year… Randy Winn in left field? Do they never want to actually use a run producer in the outfield?… Bob Melvin is considered one of the brightest minds in baseball, and if that’s true, Bob Brenly will be screwed in Arizona, because even with Melvin there, he did a lot of dumb stuff.

Texas Rangers
2002 Record: 72-90, 31 games behind OAK

Last year John Hart decided to put together the worst clubhouse in baseball history with John Rocker, Carl Everett and Juan Gonzalez and just see what happened. What happened was crap. Now Buck Showalter and his lack of lips are in town to straighten things out. It’s a brilliant move. Every time Buck manages some place and eventually gets fired, the team wins the World Series the next year. That will be put to the test in Arlington, though.

Showalter has some good players to start with. In fact, he’s got the game’s bet player (even with a bad neck) in Alex Rodriguez, plus Rafael Palmeiro who can still play, and young studs like Mark Texiera and Hank Blaylock. So this team will score. But that pitching staff is so bad that the Royals can mock it. Signing Ugueth Urbina to close out leads they’ll rarely have is like putting an alarm system on a Yugo.

Our scouts take: Buck Showalter has a tape of every Andy Griffith Show episode ever. How can you not like that?… Carl Everett is so big he can play left and center at the same time… Rafael Palmeiro may have erectile dysfunction, but he sure can rake… Juan Gonzalez could have a huge year in a contract push, but don’t hold your breath… Hank Blaylock is no Mookie Blaylock, I’ll tell you that… Texiera is the real deal, and they’ve already started playing Blaylock at second base… They’ll miss Pudge Rodriguez–you can never have too many players who go home at night and sit in the back yard and look at a statue of themselves… They installed a huge light-up Rangers logo on top of the The Ballpark so that people driving on the interstate will know if they won that night. Let’s just say they won’t have a huge electric bill… Showalter has grown a discernible mullet, talk about a guy just dying to fit in in Texas… Orel Hershiser is their pitching coach, so it’ll be even more fun to root for their pitchers to get lit up every night.