Sure, you didn’t want a week’s worth of our exclusive pirated tapes from the first round of Cubs’ play-by-play interviews, you wanted them all at once! So, we’ve condensed the four lost tapes we had left into one article. As one of the interviewees I was sworn to secrecy about the process, but let’s just say the interview didn’t go all that well. I’ve got about the same chance of getting that job as David Brent does of being rehired at Wertham-Hogg. So let’s just roll the tape.
Cubs’ play-by-play interviews
Andy Dolan, Desipio.com
John McDonough, Executive Vice President of Marketing and Broadcasting: Andy, good to see you. It’s been a long time. We have met, right?
Andy Dolan: Twice, actually. Both times at the 2003 Cubs’ Convention. The first time was that Saturday night, I autographed your daughter’s chest. Then on Sunday we ended up in the bathroom at the same time while waiting for the seminar on the Cubs’ minor leaguers and you took a 14 minute whiz.
JM: Right. So we go way back. Anyway, you come highly recommended. I got your resume. Says you have a broadcasting degree from NIU. Why’d you pick Northern?
AD: I could say it’s because they had a very well respected journalism department, but really it’s just because all of the community colleges in Illinois turned me down.
JM: Great. Hey, you’re the publisher of Desipio.com. I love that site. I go there all the time.
AD: You post on Desipio? What name do you use?
JM: I’ll give you a hint. (Disguises voice)Dusty Baker’s a pussy! If he had any balls he’d tell Corey Patterson that the next time he swings at a ball above his head that he’s gonna rip his head off and crap down his neck! The Cubs lose because they don’t have the balls to win!
AD: Baker Basher? Really?
JM: Hell, I didn’t hire him. Anyway Andy, you know what the job is. Approximately 150 regular season games on Comcast Sports Net and WGN, with pre and postgame duties on both, plus three spring training games. Steve Stone will be back as your sidekick, especially since next week we’re going to announce that Kent Mercker’s option has been declined and his rights traded to the Kirkuk Mastodons of the North Siberian Baseball League. What we’ve got here is a couple of videos. One is an Aramis Ramirez homer off of Matt Morris. It’s kind of your warm up and a chance to practice, or show off, your home run call. Ready?
AD: Sure.
E-ramis Ramirez is next up for the Cubs. He’s hitting .326 with 14 homers and 54 RBI. Matt Morris has allowed three runs so far on six hits and he’s lucky that’s all given the salad he’s been tossing up there so far today. Ramirez fouls that one straight back. Too bad that protective screen is there or the jackass who’s been talking on his cellphone and waving at the center field camera all day would have taken it off the temple. Here’s the 0-1. E-ramis hits it deep to left. Hey Matt Morris, grab your ankles and take it like a man! That’s a home run and the Cubs lead four to nothing!
JM: Grab your ankles? Uh…very descriptive.
OK, here are the lineups for a September game against the Mets. Just give the batting orders and then throw it to commercial.
AD: Welcome back to Shea Stadium, where indoor plumbing has been implemented, though not perfected. Tonight’s game features the leaders in the NL Wild Card chase, the Chicago Cubs who are 86-66 and the godawful New York Mets who are 67-86 and trying to prove that an 80 million dollar payroll can keep you safely ahead of the Expos.
Here are the lineups for tonight’s game.
Leading off for the Cubs and inexplicably carrying a piano with him around the field for the last three weeks is Corey Patterson in center field.
Batting second and playing first base is Derrek Lee. It apparently would kill Dusty Baker to use the same lineup two nights in a row.
E-ramis bats third and plays third.
Moises Alou will be doing his checkswinging tonight in the cleanup spot and playing left field with the all out effort normally seen in napping wombats.
Sammy Sosa is batting fifth, playing right and swinging at anything thrown within 30 feet of home plate in any direction.
Nomar Garciaparra is batting sixth and somehow is keeping that whirling dervish, Neifi Perez out of the lineup. Nomar is tonight’s shortstop.
Playing second and being hidden in the seventh spot is Todd Walker.
Michael Barrett will bat eighth and catch.
And batting ninth, tonight’s pitcher and resident godsend, Glendon Rusch.
For the Mets, Gerald Williams is leading off and playing centerfield. If you’re like me, you probably remember Gerald’s father, who used to play for the Yankees, Braves and Brewers amongst other teams. Well guess what, that isn’t his dad…it’s him. He’s gotta be like 68 years old.
Batting second and playing shortstop is Jose Reyes. You can tell Reyes is playing short tonight because the Mets handed out protective hard hats to all of the fans sitting behind the first base dugout.
Batting third and playing third is that rarest of all baseball players…a Mets prospect who’s actually as good as they say he is, David Wright.
Mike Piazza is batting cleanup and he’ll be standing next to first base. I was going to say ‘playing’ first base, but let’s not overstate things.
Next up is the subject of the recent Viggo Mortensen film, Richard Hidalgo. Hidalgo’s playing left field tonight and he’s got a great throwing arm. In fact, his gun is so strong he actually keeps a bullet lodged in it at all times.
Hitting sixth and playing right field is Victor Di….oh, crap, Victor Diaz. What a motherf@#$ing piece of s@#$ this guy is.
Batting seven—
JM: OK, uh…that’s great. OK. Oh, look at the time. OK, thanks for stopping by. We’ll be in touch. Really.
(Door slams)
—-
Outtakes from other interviewees…
Bob Costas
You see, the thing about the designated hitter is that it robs the game of some inherent strategy…there’s a ball low and away…and when I was a kid growing up I used to love to go to games and see managers’ moves play out on the field…there’s a grand slam and the Cubs are up 10-4…baseball’s like a big chess match only on grass with cleats and eyeblack and…there’s another homer and the Cubs have set a team record for homers in a season…all kinds of exciting stuff that you just can’t get artificially. There’s never been any fiction greater than the reality of baseball…that ball hit him in the head and I think he might be dead…my dad used to tell me—
Dave Kaplan
Can I just say Mr. McDonough that I think you’re the nicest, smartest, handsomest, smartest, best dressed, smartest, marketing genius in the world! I took liberty of washing your car for you today. I didn’t have the keys to it and it wasn’t close to any hoses so I licked it clean! Have I mentioned how smart and handsome and marketing geniusness you are?
DeWayne Staats
Two out here in the sixth, and Prior looks like he’s got the best stuff we’ve seen him have this year. Hey Arne, get a shot of the lake! Arne! Arne?
tHom Brennaman
I don’t need this s@#$! I’m a star! I work with STEVE LYONS! I work with MARK GRACE! I used to do football on Fox! I did the COTTON BOWL last year!
Rick Sutcliffe
Here’s the oh-two to uh….the batter…whoever it is. Hey, have you ever been so drunk that you piss yourself and don’t even notice. Let’s just say I’m not that drunk because I just noticed!
Jim Tocco
Grounder to second, Grudzielanek is in throws to first and gets the runner, Jason Kendall by about nine and a quarter feet! By the way, because I knew it’d be interesting, I took the liberty of figuring out how many different words of four letters or more you could make out of Grudzielanek. They include:
kane
nail
grain
inane
lead
greed…
Dan Shulman
Dick Vitale won’t be the color analyst, right? You’re sure about this? Because he drives me f@#$ing batty. I mean come on, does anybody buy that schtick? He’s so far up Coach K’s ass half the time that I’m convinced the reason Kryzewski’s voice is so nasally is because Dick’s head is clogging his sinuses.
Tocco, continued
lane
Dane
real
deal…
Matt Vasgersian
My proudest moment in broadcasting? It’d have to be, I’d say, my work on the opening night of the XFL. Now there was a proud moment in anybody’s career…
More Tocco
zeal
Zeile (of course that’s a name, so it doesn’t count, but how crazy is that?)
lizard
nerd…
Daron Sutton
No, that’s actually dad’s hair. I know it’s some f@#$ up s@#$, but it’s real. I’m not kidding. I’ve even seen him under the hairdryer at the beauty parlor with his hair in curlers. It’s life changing. In a bad way.
Skip Caray
Thanks for squeezing me in John. I wasn’t interested in the job until the wife told me that Chip was going to be working for the Braves next year. I never liked him as a kid, I’m supposed to start now? Screw that.
And finally, more Tocco
near
leer
deer
Oh, wait, I’ve got lots more!
…Sunrise in Maui
…your child’s first smile
…Christmas morning
…
…your first blow job (receiving, B.C.)
…Chocolate Bombs at Roy’s
…Annual bonus checks
But this dreck? Um….
NO.
Good stuff, Andy. Speaking of tHom, people in the media–and elsewhere–that reccommend him for Chip’s vacancy clearly DON’T GET IT. The reason we despised Chip was, in a nutshell, because he was a balless, soulless, spineless, cookie-cutter broadcaster with a phony DJ voice. And tHom is cut from the exact same cloth. Together, along with Joe Buck–the holy triumverate of second-generation broadcasters, by the way–and countless others, they represent the sort of bland, pseudo-enthusiastic automatons that ought to be foisted on neophyte baseball towns like Denver. Chicago deserves a broadcatser with a soul and a distinct voice, not some Columbia College clone.
I’ve been listening to this Dan Shulman guy on the radio during the playoffs, and I think he’s very good. He at least sounds HUMAN, which is what we deserve–and frankly what Stoney deserves.
Gosh, how difficult it must be for poor Intrepid reader #1 for being forced at gunpoint to type desipio.com into his or her browser, click on this article and have to read it. Waaaaaah!
Of course, my other career highlight was when I played a smarmy sportscenter type anchor in a video game commercial.
We remember you, Matt!
#1 just reeks of Chuck. Kind of a mixture of Aqua Velva and absinthe.
Working with Matt Vasgersian is right up there with being Governor of Minnesota in my book.
I think it’s funny! How funny? Just look at these nipples!
I didn’t like it either, Chuck.
Well Done, Mr. Dolan. Don’t let the assholes discourage you.
It was worth it just fo find out you can spell inane nerd using the letters in my name.
By the way, the Cubs hold an option on me for next year. Dusty loves me. See ya in Mesa!
Ivy6, I think the discouraging asshole is singular, not plural.
So I walk into Kam’s the other night and I tell the bartender to line up five martinis on the bar and that I’m celebrating.
"What’s the occasion?" says the bartender.
I tell him that I just got my first blowjob.
"Congrats! Here’s a sixth for you, on the house!" he responds.
I tell him to skip it. If five don’t get the taste out, nothing will.
True, but the singular can’t get past the profanity block
I don’t like you, Gimpy. If I got rid of Dusty’s boy Kenny the Cursed, I’ll cut you, easy.
Dear Jim Hendry,
Do not make me produce the photos I have of you, superscout Gary Hughes, Rob Goldman and Haley Joel Osment.
Capice?
See you in Mesa!
Sometimes being liked by Dusty just isn’t enough to save your job.
Holy crap, he really does have a tape recording of my audition!
Very well, but understand that your achilles is going to crap out again, and this time, the job will be done well enough to keep you out the whole year.
I already got a new job!
No interview for me?
Andy, all I ask is that you listen to the interview tapes 100 times before you make any judgements on my announcing ability.
Well done, Andy.
You’re entitled to skip a Dose.
Scott Stapp is AWESOME!
When is Creed coming out with a new CD?
Ouch! They may be bible thumpers, but calling them Creed fans is just low.
So, how many old folks in New England do you figure finally give up the ghost tomorrow?
GENIUS!
I make Zelasko look soooooo much better.
Great stuff.
I can’t wait until BC finishes reading it forthe second time to see what he thinks.
Am I old enough to be holding a bottle of champagne, much less drink it?
Notice how I had to make sure I got myself on camera in the clubhouse? God, am I insufferable.
Man, is there a creepier looking management/ownership team than Boston’s? I get the feeling that Theo was hired to be the office boy toy.
LaRussa is fighting back tears! He looks like he wants to start sobbing! This is just precious.
Did you see Zelasko interview me and Curt Schilling? Wheeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!
Fox sure was gay for the Cardinals. That made it even more fun to see them get jacked up and to have their fans turn on them like last week’s milk.
HILARIOUS!!!! Had me laughing and looking over my shoulder at work – a definite good sign, well that at least I think it is funny.
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