NEWS RELEASE
For immediate release

Monday, December 22, 2003
Contact: Karry Ling, Vice President of Programming, National Broadcasting Corporation
e-mail: karry@desipio.com

Desipio Media Ventures purchases National Broadcasting Corporation from General Electric

New York, NY — Illinois-based media power Desipio Media Ventures has announced that they have finalized a deal with the General Electric Corporation to purchase the struggling National Broadcasting Company. The deal, which will formally be announced later this week is expected to be one of the biggest media purchases in the history of broadcast media.

NBC, currently a struggling third place in a four network race had an assigned value of $1.7 billion according to an October 2003 issue of Forbes Magazine. Desipio Media Ventures, best known for it’s wildly popular Web site at www.desipio.com, is best known for smartassed commentary and pictures of nearly naked women.

The owner of Desipio Media Ventures, Andy Dolan said the purchase went surprisingly smoothly.

“I was watching some piece of crap on NBC a couple of weeks ago and thought, ‘What dumbass programs this network?’ I was really very comfortable in my position on the couch and the TiVo remote was a few feet out of reach, so I was screwed and I ended up watching almost twenty minutes of ‘Law and Order 9: Canine Victims Unit’ or whatever the hell it was. Luckily, the new issue of Player magazine was within reach and an application for an American Express no-limit Corporate Platinum Card fell out of it. I filled it out and I used that to finance the purchase. I think it’s a pretty sound investment.”

General Electric Chief Operating Officer Jeff Immelt was awed by Dolan’s offer for the network.

“He called me on Friday and told me he wanted to make me an offer for NBC. Even though the network’s been struggling, especially in prime time, I had no intention of selling. But he’s a Dolan, and that family has a knack for making media companies successful. In the end, he made me an offer I couldn’t refuse.”

Dolan, the son of a farmer and a retired kindergarten teacher had this to say about Immelt. “Jeff’s a nice guy, but he’s kind of a moran. I’m as related to Larry and Charles Dolan as Vance and Rudy Law were related to each other. “Uncle” Larry wouldn’t know me if I walked up and gave him a wedgie.”

Dolan wasted no time in exercising his new power at the network.

“Actually I just got done with a conference call in which I fired Katie Couric, Matt Lauer, Ann Curry and Willard Scott. I have never liked Katie, and when she started banging Tom Werner, that was the end of it. Lauer’s a talentless, bald, hack, and Ann Curry is the most reprehensible wonk in the business. As for Willard, I didn’t really need to fire him, because he’s been dead for 11 years now. It’s just that nobody’s had the heart to tell him. As of 6 a.m. Central Standard Time tomorrow morning, the Today Show will have new hosts. We’re pleased to announce that my first wife, Campbell Brown will be the main anchor and her new “sidekick” will be former NBC Sports sideline reporter Beasley Reece. But if Beasley gives her any lip, he’ll be out on the street with Ahmad Rashad. Al Roker will remain on as weather man and we’re happy to announce that Heidi Collins, the really hot midday anchor from CNN will be our new news reader.”

Desipio also announced the “retirement” of long time NBC Nightly News anchor Tom Brokaw.

“I’m sad to see Tom go,” Dolan said…laughing. “He’s a real asset to the network. I offered him a position within the organization, but he declined it. The NBC Nightly News will have a fresh look, with a fresh face.”

Fill-in anchor Brian Williams will take over the Nightly News tonight, and this man:

Karry Ling, will begin his reign as the new “face” of NBC News on Christmas Eve night.

For now, Dolan says, the network will retain its name (National Broadcasting Corporation) and abbreviation NBC. The purchase included NBC’s “sister” networks, MSNBC, CNBC, Bravo and Telemundo.

Dolan had this to say about Desipio’s plans for those networks. “We’re going to leave Telemundo alone because it’s the most successful Spanish-speaking network in the world, and it’s got quality shows like the one with the guy who dresses up like a bee and the variety show with all of the nearly naked women on it. In fact, we’re going to make MSNBC the English language version of Telemundo. We’ll have our very own bee guy, and then lots of “variety” shows that mainly involve the girls of Maxim and FHM magazines walking around in bikinis.”

Dolan said CNBC will, “Continue to be the same, boring thing it is now.” But he pledged “more Maria Bartiromo,” pending of course the outcome of her trial for insider trading.

As for Bravo, Dolan announced he’s going to completely change the format of the arts and entertainment based cable station.

“Bravo’s going to get a complete makeover, and we’re not letting the five gay guys do it. Bravo’s going all sports as of January 5, 2004. It’d be easier if NBC actually owned the broadcasting rights to real sports, but we’ll start off with what we do have. Notre Dame football, half of the NASCAR season, the Arena Football League and enough figure skating crap to make your eyes bleed.”

Desipio Sports Network will feature a nightly hour-long sports highlight show hosted by Dolan and the Ormiston twins, Kim and Misty.

The Bravo shows were not cancelled, in fact, some of them will be moved to the regular NBC PrimeTime lineup.

Dolan announced the following NBC prime time shows have been cancelled.

Fear Factor — Dolan said, “Nobody eats horse anus on my network.”
Las Vegas — “Whose idea was this piece of crap?”
Tracy Morgan Show — “I’ve seen driver’s ed films that were more entertaining.”
Whoopi — “Like I said, nobody eats horse anus on my network.”
Frasier — “This thing’s still on?”
Miss Match — “Uh…no.”

Dolan also announced that the network has traded two of it’s biggest assets, the cult hit “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” and “Will and Grace” to ABC for “Monday Night Football,” and Kaley Cuoco from “Eight Simple Rules.”

Dolan said, “Only Disney would trade the NFL and a hot 18 year old for seven gay guys.”

Dolan also announced the trade of “one of the Law and Orders, I don’t remember which one—like it matters, to CBS for the Comedy Central shows “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart” and “Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn.”

Dolan also announced that the network had traded long-time ratings bonanza ER to the BBC for the British version of the sitcom “Coupling”, the sitcom “The Office” and a Britcom to be named later.

The new NBC Prime Time lineup is as follows:
Mondays: 7 p.m. — The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
7:30 p.m. — Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn
8 p.m. — Monday Night Football

Tuesdays:
7 p.m. — The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
7:30 p.m. — Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn
8 p.m. — The chick from “Good Morning Miami” taking a bath.

8:30 p.m. — Original BBC version of Coupling
9 p.m. — Law and Order: Crossing Guard Patrol

Wednesdays:
7 p.m. — The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
7:30 p.m. — Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn
8 p.m. — Ed
9 p.m. — The West Wing

Thursdays:
7 p.m. — Friends (it sucks, but people love this crap)
7:30 p.m. — BBC series “The Office”
8 p.m. — Scrubs
8:30 p.m. — Kaley Cuoco taking a shower

9 p.m. — Celebrity Poker Showdown

Fridays:
7 p.m. — Inside the Actor’s Studio with James Lipton
8 p.m. — Dateline NBC with Campbell Brown, Heidi Collins and Tamie Sheffield

Campbell Brown

Heidi Collins

Tamie Sheffield

Saturdays:
7 p.m. — Jay Leno being beaten by a sock full of quarters
7:30 p.m. — Karaoke Time with Ty Willingham!
8 p.m. — Saturday Night at the Movies with Peter and Bobby Farrelly

Sundays:
6 p.m. — 60 Minutes of Yelling with Chris Matthews
7 p.m. — Nicki Aycox doing anything she wants

7:30 p.m. — More of Nicki Aycox doing anything she wants

8 p.m. — Desipio Sports Sunday with Andy Dolan and the Ormiston Twins

9 p.m. — Next Week in College Basketball with Jake Potter and Alexus Winston

Dolan also announced that The Tonight Show with Jay Leno has been cancelled and replaced in the 10:35 p.m. Central Standard time slot by Late Night with Conan O’Brien. Leno’s contract runs through 2009 and Dolan said the network would honor it, with the Saturday night show, “Jay Leno being beating by a sock full of quarters” and quarterly specials “Jay Leno being kicked in the face by a midget.”

Replacing O’Brien in the 11:35 p.m. time slot is the new late night show, “News and Notes with Karry Ling”, and the late night show with Carson Daly has been cancelled and Daly was set on fire and burned beyond recognition.

As for Saturday Night Live, Dolan admitted, “It sucks, but it’s cheap to produce and we’ll keep it. For now. But I’m going to call Matt and Trey and see if they can come up with something better.”

More changes will be announced as they occur, and Dolan said he was considering an offer from CBS to trade “some of our gay figure skating crap for their Big Ten basketball package.”

-30-