I?m presently on the wrong coast, and still 14 or so years away from relaying my daughter?s first field hockey game to the good readers of Desipio, Peter King style. Besides, at this point it?s way too early to tell if I?m dealing with a potential Sue Bird, Mia Hamm, Gabby Reese or Jennifer Capriatti.

Anyway, now that I have a daughter I think it?s only appropriate that I refrain from posting gratuitous pictures of moderately attractive and scantily clad females as a thinly veiled approach to spicing up my articles and this site. This of course means you?ll be seeing much less Britney?

Much less Xtina (sorry, couldn?t find a recent one of her that didn?t sorta gross me out)?

And definitely much less Paris, which Andy appears to be taking care of for you anyway.

I can say this about the early stages of parenthood, it?s not that much unlike a new season of The Real World. At first you?re really excited and sure this year?s going to be the best ever, then after about three weeks, each episode leaves you with the same exact feeling as the previous one. The story line becomes increasingly predictable (in my case; sleeping, eating, pooping, repeat) and you look forward to one single moment where there?s not any crying or whining. The good news is I?m only averaging one diaper change per week thus far, which has been an extremely difficult task as lil? C goes through 10-12 per day. Claiming not to smell anything, ever, and going with the I-just-changed-her-like-10-minutes-ago defense has served me well.

I?ll also put to rest the crap you hear from a lot of first-time parents about how they never get any sleep. It?s true that the quality of your sleep diminishes greatly, but your body quickly adjusts to being able to function on four hours per evening—in fact it?s reminiscent of my sophomore year of college. Except without all the stress of academic probation.

But enough about me, since Andy?s been on the emotional Cubs? rollercoaster with most of you, I offered to tackle this week?s Survivor recap and give his back a little rest. It?s not just Zambrano you?ve got to worry about.

So, if you?ve taped/Replayed/Tivo?ed last night?s offering, now?s your chance to hit the back button before having your viewing experience tainted.

Last week Osten was fighting an imaginary bout of pneumonia and had unsuccessfully lobbied the Morgan tribe for his own oust, while Drake was on cruise control enjoying a daily all-you-can-eat seafood buffet.

Day seven kicks off with Morgan?s den mother, Lillian, praying for strength and crying about losing her best friend Skinny Ryan. More specifically she was praying for strength to, “My husband, my troop and my best friend Ryan.” Whatever, you didn?t even know the dude a week you freak.

Meanwhile, with one third of a treasure map, Drake decides to go in search of booty. Which is pretty much what I did ever Friday and Saturday night between 1986 and 1995, though I usually didn?t have a map. Rupert thinks his tribemates are stupid, knowing full well that Mark Burnett isn?t burying anything anywhere that doesn?t require a bobcat and backhoe to retrieve—eventually the Drake tribe tires, and heads back to camp for yet another fish fry. No one complains, “Fish again?”, for fear that Rupert will kill them and hide their remains in his beard.

Since they?re now up two, Jon wants to talk strategy and decide who should sit out the day?s reward challenge. He thinks if it?s a swimming mission that Sandra should sit. Sandra is offended and reminds Jon that she actually beat him to the beach from the boat on the first day. Jon says he was only using his arms, because he couldn?t kick with his pants on and that she barely beat him—or something. The conversation quickly gets heated and they start dropping f-bombs on each other, while everyone else stands around looking indifferent, but knowing that one of them is sealing their fate—-you don?t usually argue on Survivor and live to tell about it with a million dollars in the bank. Sandra must have the last word, so they continue acting like third graders until Jon finally walks away. Sandra says, “Screw Jon, he?s an ass”, and Jon says, “I?ve got a million that she?s not the final one here.” I?ve got a million that says neither of you two are even in the final four.

The tribes meet up for this week?s reward challenge which actually looks kind of cool. Each tribe will put three of their members in two different rowboats, and try to sink their opposing tribes boats while remaining afloat. They can do this by pulling a number of corks from the other boat, throwing buckets of water at them, or by any means necessary basically. Because it?s not a swimming challenge, Morgan sits Jon, but I thought?.oh nevermind, and Michelle.

Survivors ready? And Osten (with Tijuana and Lillian) is already disengaging and letting Andrew?s (with Ryan O. and Darrah) boat get double-teamed by Drake. Andrew tells Osten to get his ass over and help, and in his haste Osten essentially sinks his own boat—-were you listening to the rules Osten? Meanwhile, Rupert is using one of his paddles and all his brute strength to push down on Andrew?s boat until it too is underwater. Andrew is “demoralized” and at an “all time low”. While Drake now gets to enjoy a mattress, some big ass pillows, blankets and another pillaging trip to Morgan.

Now if it was me, I wouldn?t be volunteering for these pillaging missions, ones you know are eventually going to come back to haunt someone after the merger, but Christa is blonde and Christa is stupid, and agrees to be sent over to get a jug or pot or something, making it more difficult for Morgan to boil and drink water. She?s a little upset that she may be, “Taking away their life”, but that doesn?t stop her from accepting her mission. Andrew puts on his Armani jacket to meet Christa and is looking awfully happy to see her up close, and while he?s not getting his ass kicked. But he quickly gets on her nerves when he starts pumping her, pumping her for information that is, “So, Christa who?s your leader?”, “Who?s going home first if you guys ever lose immunity?”, “Can I get your digits?”.

Is it just me, or wouldn?t you think about taking some clothes from Morgan during these pillages, like Osten?s Abercrombie shorts, or Andrew?s jacket. Not that I want to see Osten naked all day, but if he was forced to sleep in the nude—that would obviously speed up that whole pneumonia predicament. And I?m sure some Survivor-obsessed freak would bid big money if you put Andrew?s jacket up on Ebay?Instead Christa takes some big pan that appears to be in the process of cooking a dirty old blanket. Mmmmmm, fried blanket, my favorite.

With Morgan reeling and without any gameplan for a comeback, Lillian decides to go fishing. She?s praying again—-but God thought it would be funnier (or maybe he?s just a huge Drake fan) to have a blowfish take the tribe?s last fishing hook, and send her back to camp completely demoralized. Ryan O. is pissed that she didn?t wait for someone to go with her, and Andrew is shocked that a boy scout could lose a hook. I?m shocked that the prime suspect on this week?s CSI is also the lead on the new Navy CIS.

Both tribes prepare for the day?s immunity challenge, and I?ll give you one guess as to who?s gonna win. Andrew tells Osten that the fate of the entire tribe is on his shoulders. No pressure dude.

The challenge is esentially a tug of war in which each tribe attempts to keep their lightest member suspended (Morgan- Darrah, Drake ? Michele). Every five minutes the pulling team will subtract a member until it?s only the anchors pulling for immunity (Morgan ? Osten, Drake ? Rupert). Two hours later, Rupert belts out a manly yell, which means yet another victory for Drake.

Back at Morgan, Andrew and Tijuana are trying to decide who?s more expendable, Lillian or Darrah. Surprisingly, sex appeal is not part of their equation—though it clearly should be. Instead Andrew wants to know who does a better job “thinking outside the box”, he thinks it might be Lillian. Dude, Darrah is a mortician, which pretty much means she does all of her thinking within a box, right? Unlike our Karry Ling, who just thinks about box. At tribal council, Lillian gives Jeff a boy scout salute for some odd reason and talks about her fire building abilities. Darrah talks about giving 110% (That?s impossible. No one can give more than one hundred percent. By definition, that is the most anyone can give), nevermind that she wasn?t even pulling, but was merely being suspended from a rope—tough work if you can get it. Lillian unanimously gets the boot, and Andrew predicts they?ll win their next challenge—and of course, he?s wearing Armani. Jeff somehow manages to not laugh out loud.

Next week: Jon continues to piss people off at Drake and Rupert may kill Burton for suggesting they throw an immunity challenge, while Osten may drown at Morgan. Why do non-swimmers keep applying for Survivor? Sounds like an issue for Desipio?s new social analyst Rush Limbaugh to unearth.

As we look forward to non-baseball playoff happenings for this weekend, it?s important to remember that just because the Bears? season has been reduced to anticipating and hoping for shots of Paris, doesn?t mean there isn?t quality football still being played around the NFL.

Most notably, the Denver Broncos bring a 4-0 record to my hometown for Arrowhead Stadium?s first ever clash of two 4-0 teams. In what is undoubtedly the game of the week, the similarities between these two AFC West conference foes are remarkable. Both are coached by guys who notched their 100th career victory last week in lackluster performances, though Shanahan is young enough to be Vermeil?s son. At least his son?s somewhat older and disturbingly unattractive friend who has a weird habit of covering his mouth when speaking, and of course lying. Both teams rely heavily on banged up MVP-caliber running backs, Portis with a bruised sternum and Priest with a healing hip flexor. And both teams keep their fingers crossed, hoping that their mediocre quarterback doesn?t gift wrap any turnovers to the defense.

The difference makers in this one will be the crowd, and Chiefs? return specialist Dante Hall. Dante is already making travel arrangements to Hawaii knowing that he?ll be returning kicks for the AFC?s Pro Bowl squad, with three kickoff returns and one punt return already in the books only a quarter of the way through the season. With the Chiefs winning the battle of field position, and 70,000 of my closest friends making it difficult for Jake the Snake to change plays at the line of scrimmage (not to mention he could be without starting center Tom Nailon)—-I like the Chiefs chances to emerge undefeated. Nevermind the number of teams that have gotten off to hot starts only to fade in November and December when the games bear a little more importance. The next game is the most important one?

Did I mention you?ll be seeing less Britney?

Of course when I say Britney, I?m hoping you realize that I?m talking about Britney Spears.

Coming Soon: The Desipio College Hoops Preview

Not Coming Soon: More Britney pics?Can?t stress that enough? Not even the borderline R-rated ones in next month?s Esquire?

You?ve been warned?

Final note: Any of you have a special connection to former Glenbrook North hoops star, and current Duke assistant coach, Chris Collins??? If so I have a favor to ask, send me an emai Seriously? And no, I don’t plan on stalking him…