Today’s folly sponsored by:
Pitching matchup:
Brewers: Jeremi Gonzalez (seriously?) 0-0, 6.08 ERA
Cubs: Mark Prior 0-2, 9.64 ERA
Lineups:
Ricky E-4 Weeks, 2b
Bill the Cub Killer, ss
Brett Farvuhruh, rf
Carlos the Cub Killer, lf
Prince, 1b
Premature Balding 3b, 3b
The Human Passed Ball, c
Brady “My Deal with the Devil has Expired” Clark, cf
Jeremis Gonzalez, p
Cubs
Unlucky Pierre, cf
Disgusted Bat Flip, 2b
MV Lee, 1b
E-ramis, 3b
Jock, rf
Pointless OF Experiment, lf
Ron Ce, ss
Hank White, c
Mark Prior, p
What Andy, I’m no longer “The Franchise”?
What, no alias for Mark (Simulated, not Stimulated) Prior?
According to ESPN, Francisco Liriano is now The Franchise. Looks like you should have done a little pitching the past couple years, Marky.
Brett Fav-ruh? WTF did I do to deserve that name?
Prior pitches well, but the Cubs can’t score against the mighty Geremi Gonzalez and Dempster gives up a granny in the ninth to lose 4-0.
No Mark, you aren’t the franchise.
Well, Geoff you kind of look exactly like him, you know.
There goes the no hitter. What, am I supposed to pay attention all the time?
Oh…I thought it was because we’re both washed up.
Brenly thinks Hank should have trailed Weeks to first, when Rickie took that wide turn then “Jock could have thrown behind the runner.” And into the stands so Rickie would be on third now. Hank knows what he’s doing, Bob-o. Shut up.
I’m a former Beloit Snapper! Remember me, Andy?
Bobby, you are supposed to rip Dusty. Leave me alone. Besides, tomorrow I return to powernapping through these games. Having to watch them has made my stomach muy queasy.
If I’m hitting you bitch that I’m not fielding, if I’m fielding you bitch that I’m not hitting. What am I supposed to do, both?
You could leave.
Wait, I never field.
Thanks Jones.
I’m in left to make Jock look good in right. Everybody like how I literally waved at that flyball? Yes sir, we field a winning club all right.
Bob says it was a “nice strong throw from Phil Nevin.” Of course, had he hit…the cutoff man…Lee would have been out by five feet at second.
Good thing Murton wasn’t in left.
Hey, maybe if the Cubs practiced once in a while, they’d be able to hit the cutoff man, catch fly balls, and things like that.
Well, I see I’m going to have do this myself.
This winter, Jim Hendry is going to offer me a dollar for every hard-hit ball I’ve ever had against the Cubs: 53 million.
I’ll still go somewhere else.
Remember when I was the best pitcher any of you had ever seen? Was that a hoax?
Yikes.
Looks like I’m a hell of a lot more popular than yesterday’s. Nice. Wonder why? It’s the ‘G’ in ‘Jeremi’ isn’t it?
It’s because we won yesterday. We’re back in it now.
or is it Gerimis? Jeremi? Wait, who the fuck am I again?
Am I on the roster aren’t I?
Learn some English or leave the country, Geovany.
Wait, that’s not today’s. Today’s is, “Prior gets pounded. Cubs lose 44-0. Dusty gets six year extension.”
Shit, they don’t hit them far in the sim games…
Shit, they don’t hit them that far in the sim games…
Take that!
Who’s Geovany Soto?
Geovany, you have a role similar to mine.
Geovany, you have a role similar to the one I had.
I’m spelling my name different so the jagoffs in right field might forget to boo me.
Did you see me rock that routine fly! All-Star, baby! I’m an All-Star!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Prior: 2 IP, 5 K, 2 ER, and of course, 33 pitches. Wow.
Who is this Ryan Theriot? That the kid who got beaned in the head in Miami? He made it back? Dude, that’s amazing. That reminds me of the time I was hitting behind Hank Aaron and….wait, you mean he’s NOT the same guy?
Hey, as long as I only give up one run per inning today, I’ll still lower my ERA. Oh, how humiliating…
Oh, Prince. You do NOT give Hank White an extra life at the plate. Prepare to be punished…severely.
If I’m a left handed pitcher I want to pitch against the Cubs. Which reminds me, sometimes I wipe with my left hand after the 7th inning steamer.
This time Hank let you live Prince. Do NOT tempt him again. You won’t be so lucky.
Hey what time does the game start?
Kiss my fat black ass, Andy.
Now more than ever, Mark…
Hank White vs. A hurricane?
Damn… I shoulda of played today using mi novio’s be all end all logic of career numbers dictating the lineup since Ronny’s faced hardly anyone. I got screwed with Geremi changing his name, Mi novio couldn’t find any career #’s for Geremi Jonzalez
I disagree with #47. Andy would be far better served cleansing himself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka.
What would be more fun here? Get halfway to my annual Cubs Golden Sombrero or GIDP?
Awwww, I can’t choose. You pick one, Mark.
See, if you only involve the competent Cubs (Prior, Lee and Ronny) in the fielding, plays go pretty well.
It’s a sunny, mild day with an 80% chance of Novoa pitching 3 innings.
Hey mang, I need the work.
Sorry, Pat. El Jefe says I’m the long man in the pen now. Bob will have to wait his turn.
Good news. Lee just rebroke his arm throwing the ball to second. Dusty gets a 12 year extension tomorrow. Woof.
My ERA is 8.76 … and dropping like a ROCK, female doges!
I just headed to the clubhouse with the trainer. Damnit.
Holy Sh**!!!! What was that!!!!!
We should have practiced hitting in those sim games…
I was almost lost in the underbelly of Prince forever!
Hmmm, I wonder if I can jam him with an inside fastball. His wrist is hurt, right?
Derrek Lee is with the trainers…well there goes our season…oh wait.
I was just heading to the bathroom for a piss. But they’ve got my wrist and hand so taped up I couldn’t control this monster if I tried. The trainer just held while I drained the python. No worries. Now watch this groundout.
Maybe I should start ignoring the bunt sign and swinging for the fences. It worked yesteray..
I’ve had more fun rooting for Pissburgh this week. Not only are they playing the Sox, for a crappy team they’re playing them tough and if they can start winning, then they maybe won’t run away with the worst record in the league. Our Flubs can still catch them. Knock on wood, but they’re up 6-4 in the 7th.
I’m hoping Solomon Torres does to Thome’s head what he did to Fat Sam’s in ’03.
When my wrist was healing slowly, my buddy Albert gave me some cream to rub on it. It healed right up.
Edmonds tried to give me some cream, but the tube was really small.
Dudes, will I never have my team back?
Did somebody mention hands and piss?
Pitch to me, bitches! It’s not like I’m the only guy on this team who can hit…oh, wait. Yeah, walk me.
What did the man with the 18-inch penis have for breakfast? Well today I had scrambled eggs, bacon and some toast.
Alright, Pancakes. Time to earn your keep.
Prince don’t do pop ups.
All right, Lee may be fine but we can’t be expected to win until Pagan is back.
What about us?
I wish I hadn’t used all my creme. I was much better when I had it.
You were shocked Dusty played a guy as young as me, right? (Despite my lack of potential) Turns out I’m a 50 year old man with life threatening blood clots. Dusty’s kind of guy
Why the hell is Geremi, Jeromy, Imereg…whoever the hell he is still in the game? Why is the score not 57-2 Cubs? Why are the Brewers beating the Franchise with that jackoff? This is the most ridiculous Cub season I think I’ve ever seen. But you know what…I said that last season, and the season before that. Are they trying to beat thier own ineptness year in and year out?
Test.
I was pretty good.
The new guy at first. He’s pretty good.
All this talk of people being The Balls was getting a little bit ridiculous. Do you bitches remember who the hell I am? Remember Andre Dawson? Yeah? Well he was a pussy.
Would Nevin/Mabry/DBF have made these plays?
How much did you miss me doges?
All this talk about creams, cremes, kremes and the like is driving me batshit. Dammit, how long until the vendor comes back?
That’s faster than fuck Corie Koskey to you, female doges.
Back from the dead bitches!
I guess I’ve been hanging out with Greg Maddux lately. See how easily the Brewers are running on me? Greggie taught me that.
why all the stolen bases? is Prior coming slow to the plate, or is Hank still napping behind the dish?
Thank god this team doesn’t throw out baserunners
Hey Andy, this isn’t premature balding, I’m like 200 years old.
I resent the inference, female doge.
Hey that Corey Koskie is fast. He’d make a great leadoff hitter.
Damn Jim, you plowed through that case of donuts already? Jeebus! Hey you got some jelly on your tie there, you fat bastard!
We should just fill our roster with all MLB “Lee’s.”
Carlos Lee, Derrek Lee, Cliff Lee, Travis Lee (okay, let’s not get out of hand). Let’s just stick with C-Lee and D-Lee. That would be nice.
Time for a mammoth HR by Gerami Jonzalez.
My god, Brady Clark. Walk him!
Damian Miller? Freaking Damian Miller! What the funk and wangnall’s is going on here?
Can I hit? Oh, wait doesnt matter. Put it in play watch them throw it away… cubs motto
Damian Miller couldn’t hit for shit in 2003 and now he’s fuckin’ Johnny Bench…
Mike D, how about an update on the Pirates?
Just trying it on for size…
WP – Geremi Gonzalez
LP – Mark Prior
Oh how humiliating.
This is the funniest I’ve been in a while…
Shouldn’t we just let Prior just rehab for the rest of the year and try our luck with him next year? I mean its sorta obvious that somethings not quite right.
Any theories on how I get my bat red? … Does that Q sound sexual?
That’s my boy, Jacques. Way to be aggressive. You’re doing great, Gene. Keep filling these boys up with your wisdom.
Screw this game, I’m gonna watch Walker Texas Ranger
We’re still shitty.
We’re busy pulling a Cub. 6-6 tie in the top of the 8th.
WAIT?!?! I’M NOT REHABBING WITH THE SINGLE A TEAM RIGHT NOW?!?!? HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THIS THEN??
The best thing for Mark is to pitch into late August and then have the Tommy John.
It’s like I told you crackers in the Trib this morning. THIS is what happens when D-Lee is in MY lineup. We kick ass.
Oh not yet, but wait until Juan hits his daily home run and Hank hits his daily triple. Then you’ll see what a kick ass manager I am. Doges.
So I hit a 2-run pinch HR to tie it instead of suffering the injury Mike D wished on me. Bad times.
I love how you multi-task Len. Sucking me off while giving a half assed play by play
A half assed team deserves half assed play by play.
WTF, Bob? Would you rather sit here and watch this shit by yourself? Man, if Drew Rosenhaus was my agent, I’d refuse to show up next and demand a new contract.
Like, with a new team.
I blame the Twins.. if they would have not been such cheap asses, I’d have two Cy Youngs by now. Has anyone seen my fastball? I think I’ve lost it.
Can I get a walk-off HR in the 5th?
While already up 3?
It’s because Headhunter Torres was not in the game. Thome homered off of Generalissimo Robert Hernandez. Damn.
I think the HR I hit yesterday was a walk-off to seal up this game… I think this is getting out of hand
They could schedule a 2nd game with me pitching and the Cubs wouldn’t score in that one either.
Shit, at this point I don’t think they could hit me.
I was going to suggest that the Cubs try to get beaten by a talentless former Cubs pitcher every day, but then I realized they’re getting beaten by the talentless current Cubs pitching every day already.
Derrek, what the hell are you doing taking walks? You’re clogging up the bases fool!
Am I a talentless former Cubs pitcher yet?
Aramis, you too? Damn!
Forget the 7th inning stretch gimmick. The Cubs should bring in celebrities to try to shutout the Cubs everyday
MLB Gameday is so shocked at what just happened that it has chosen to pretend it never happened. 3-0 Brewers, Nevin at-bat according to Gameday.
I’m rockin’ the J-Lo shades at the plate. I’ve got her ass, too.
OK guys, if a road construction worker hits your car with a stop sign deliberately and gives me a flat tire, can I get money for it, how much, how do I get it, and how do I fix the tire?
OK guys, if a road construction worker hits my car with a stop sign deliberately and gives me a flat tire, can I get money for it, how much, how do I get it, and how do I fix the tire?
Double Posting Moran. Guh.
I heart Freddy Sanchez.
Now the Pirates can go back to losing, as they play the Big Kitties of Detroit next.
Remember when I used to load the bases with no outs and weasel my way out of it unscathed all the time? Yeah? Well, I can’t do that anymore. Neither can Prior. It’s Grand Slam time, jerkoffs.
#130, I’ve got the ass, big time.
Don’t worry guys I’ll give those two runs right back and mostly likely more.
Prior got hosed on that 2-2 pitch.
Brady Clark just got hosed on the 3-2 pitch. Ha ha!
Mike D, I’m heading to the Cubs/Sox game tomorrow. Who the hell do I root for?
It’s not like I’ve ever been a cutoff man. Why would I know how to hit one?
So this is what it sounds like… when doves cry.
Roots for us, mang. We’s the only team worth rooting for. The Cubs and the Cubs fans are fucking faggots, mang. I hate Wriggerly Fields, too, mang. They makes me park at the MacDunnalds. Fucking faggots!
Wait, I don’t mean that. In my country all that means “Go Cubs!”
I’m so mad about dat Dominican fuck Freddy Sanchez that I can’t even spell my own name! Damn.
Root for me. For both teams.
Even my big ass calves couldn’t get me out of that jam. Man I suck.
Alright……..for anyone watching the game, would a LF not named “Phil Nevin” have caught that flyball? I just want to know so that my anger with DFB is at an appropriate level.
At least I’m not the worst left fielder in the league anymore. Attaboy, Phil!
Aw fuck……….why couldn’t the Cubs have served up salads in the visitor’s clubhouse today?
Ouch!
And that was my make quacky face jestures at the bullpen hand!
I unclogged the bases! Can I be a starter again?
Remember when Murton was thought to be clutch? Those were good days. He’s now hitting .180 with RISP.
I remember SD’s avatar singing the praises of clutch Murton. Seems like years ago.
is just about empty…
Today may be the greatest day of my life. Some moran tapped into my little Stop sign and I could hear the hiss of his bald-ass tire going flat before he drove off. That’s got to be humiliating.
Seems like no one climbing on me, though.
SD is me.
That’s because they’re all jumping on me fool! Wait till I get back on the field, I’ll show you all I can play everyday!
Plenty of good seats available! Operators are standing by!
There is a lot of me going on today.
At least I know how to take a pitch unlike that chick batting leadoff
Sorry, Freddie. We may have to amputate that arm to keep it from clotting up too much.
This is me stealing…this is me stealing
Will I be back in time for spring training, doc?
“Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack
Get this stalker bitch off my ass crack! So it’s…”
I am really the only one worth jumping on. Oh, how humiliating!
I am steak sauce.
Aren’t we worth jumping on?
Everyone can climb aboard me. D-Lee is about to carry this team all the way to 4th place!
is it OUT recorded or OUTS recorded??? quit fucking with me, Gameday!
You’re with me…oh never mind!
Of course I mean 4th from the bottom of the League, which would be a signifcant improvement in its own right.
The slogan of your 2006 Cubs.
My bandwagon is the lap of luxury bitches. We got flat screen tvs in the headrests, big boobie blond hoes in the back and all the Henny a mufuka can drink. We party late into the night up in the piece and if you’re there on some nights after midnight, Kyle Orton will drink JD and take shots off your shirt.
Did you forget about us Jock?
You’re with me, black hoes!
GIDP time, female doges.
You’re with me, backhoes!
You’re me with me, black garden hoes!
Hey, I got hit! Does that make me Lucky again?
Any chance that they don’t walk Lee?
Sexiest. Man. Alive.
It’s hero time biatches!
Am I the biggest douche-looking mofo here or what?
Fear me!
I may rip my torso in half swinging for the Budweiser building
My own rules for rooting for the Cubs to steamroll downhill faster than Gary Hart’s ’84 presidential bid have two exceptions:
1) When they’re playing the Cardinals and 2) when they’re playing the White Sox.
I’ll be out there Saturday with my POS 6 year old Kerry Wood faux blue pajama top. I’m bringing a brown paper bag just in case. At the first moment of embarassing play, that paper bag will be on my head, with the blue top making it clear that I’m a totally fucking embarassed Cub fan.
Ow!!
Who wants to go to the old mill for some cider?
Cedeno ought to be bunting here.
The big Marmot walks late.
Hank is ready to win it, if Ronny gets on.
I’m the most exciting thing Len Kasper has seen all day
Did I wait until Nevin got to 2nd before I pinch-ran for him?
Guh. Blown away. Two 96 MPHers.
How did the Marmot wind up on second? Did he steal?
If you had to kiss one, would it be Gary Majewski or Derrick Turnbow?
And by kiss, of course, I mean fellate.
So much confusion. Did we win?
I’m going out on a limb here, I know. I’m not sure the Cubs are playoff caliber.
Whatever caliber they are, I’d like to shoot them.
Nevin got to 2nd on a wild pitch. Dusty then figured it was time for a pinch runner and put the Marmot in.
Thanks, DPap.
Welp. Time to get hot for 3 days. Then the “Andy MacFail Train Headed Toward The Center Of The Sun” tour can resume on Monday.
Where am I supposed to go now?
Hello?
Anyone?
I think you’re with us now, Leather.
I’m a funny word, well done #183
There will be no Cubs there, and, they will lose anyway…
I really think Dolan has too much pride to admit that he misjudged me. .300, 13 hrs, 37 rbi’s. Get off me.
Hey man, we’re making all this money, contract extentions for everybody.