Here’s the worst thing about taking a hiatus from writing pithy columns, there are days when you read something that somebody else wrote and you just ‘have’ to make fun of it. But you can’t, because you’re on hiatus.I don’t even know what hiatus means. Isn’t it basically a fancy word that means you’re too lazy to do something? In my case I took a break for a reason. I was going to finally get started on that book on the Cubs that I’ve been meaning to write. You know, so instead of reading this crap for free, you could pay to read it. It’s gone like every other book I’ve ever tried to write. I get started, I write a few chapters and then I start playing video games or watching movies when I should be writing. You know when I hit rock bottom? When I found myself watching “Music and Lyrics” with Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore from beginning to end.

And yes, if you’re wondering, she even lisps when she sings.

Anyway, consider the hiatus over. Hey, it’s not like it’s going to cut into my book writing.

Honestly, guys were getting a free pass way too often. Consider the back to back steamers that Phil Rogers dropped within the last ten days.

First, he showed off his math skills with this insane premise:

For the purpose of identifying the most on-the-surface improvement around the major leagues, consider the core players—hitters projected to be regulars and pitchers who either start or work the last two innings of games—who have come and gone.

What? Why? Why would anyone do this? Are we Amish now and there’s nothing around but a Sporting News, a pencil and a horse feed bag? Seriously, how could anyone even come up with something this dumb?

In this simple accounting, the Sox rate a plus-two, having added Swisher, Orlando Cabrera and Scott Linebrink while losing only Jon Garland. That puts them alongside Detroit (plus-three), Tampa Bay (plus-two), Toronto (plus-one) and Houston (plus-one) as the most improved teams in the majors.

Well, then in this accounting you’re a dumbass? They traded a good starting pitcher for an old shortstop with a bad back and three good prospects for a guy with a mullet, oh and they are paying Scott Linebrink insane amounts of money to watch his era approach a touchdown. Methinks your accounting is of the Enron variety, Phil.

The Cubs excited their fans with the signing of Kosuke Fukudome, but that addition is offset by the departures of Jacque Jones, Cliff Floyd and Jason Kendall. That leaves the Cubs at minus-two at present. The only teams that have lost more are Oakland (minus-four) and St. Louis (minus-five).

Now this is rich. The Cubs traded a weenie armed, wild swinging mama’s boy, let the last living Tuskeegee Airman go to Tampa and helped Milwaukee meet the serial killer quota they have fallen short of since somebody smashed Dahmer’s head into a urinal. They got back Kosuke Fukkake! How can you go wrong with that? How is that minus three in anything?

Milwaukee, which handed the division to the Cubs last season, is minus-one after losing Geoff Jenkins, Cordero, Linebrink and Estrada and adding Kendall, Salomon Torres and David Riske. Unlike the Brewers, we’re holding his Boston experience against Eric Gagne.

So Eric Gagne doesn’t count? He’s going to close for the Brewers, but Phil chooses to discount him because he was terrible in Boston. But, Kendall counts? Billy Joel’s accountant didn’t…ah, forget it.

Just when you thought Phil couldn’t prove to be more simplistic. He tops himself.

He answered the immortal question “What’s dumber than voting for Harold Baines for the Hall of Fame?”

How about meaning to vote for Harold and forgetting to?

No, seriously.

In early January, shortly after the deadline for voting, I realized that I had meant to vote for seven players but had voted for six. I omitted Baines through an oversight, not any change in believing him worthy of the honor.

So is that a minus one or a plus one for Harold? Wait, where’s that chart you made for the offseason?

Baines received 28 votes this time around, one less than a year ago, and the exact number needed to stay on the ballot. One fewer vote, and he would have been the new Lou Whitaker—a great player erased from the Hall ballot alongside the slightly better-than-average players who get one courtesy trip through the process.

No, he’d have been the new Chili Davis, an overrated guy who played a long time–erased from the Hall ballot alongside the slightly better-than-him players who get one courtesy trip through the process.

Baines doesn’t even have the cool nickname. Chili’s a cool nickname. Turd Sammich Baines is not nearly as cool.

That audible sigh of relief Tuesday came from me, and I’m going to do what (little) I can to build support for Baines before the 2009 election. He’s widely dismissed because he was one-dimensional as a designated hitter for the second half of his career, but he has enough hits to be on the radar. He endured endless knee surgeries and brutal workouts to stay on the field.

I don’t think it’s fair to say Baines was one-dimensional as a designated hitter for the second half of his career. For the first half he was one-dimensional as a sleepy outfielder. He’s multi-versatile! (TM — Rick Pitino).

He deserves the benefit of the doubt, in my opinion, because of a .324 batting average and .888 OPS (on-base plus slugging) in 31 postseason games for four teams, including White Sox appearances in 1983 and 2000 on both ends of his career. Even when he didn’t have a lot left, he was a hitter whom competitive teams wanted.

Yeah, that and 14 Dewar’s and soda will get you Jim Leyritz. Keep on talking, Philbert.

As a member of the Baseball Writers Association of America, I’m proud that the Hall of Fame entrusts us with the first level of voting on inductees.

Just not proud enough to actually look at your ballot before you mail it.

Guh. Screw this. I’ve got a book to not write.