Fine. I get it, Commissioner Gordon. You’re going to write 18 Cubs articles a day, and not a one of them is going to be about Derrek Lee. In fact, no one is writing about Derrek Lee. Why not?

Alfonso, Shmalfonso. Lee is still “the man” on this team, right? For all the rolling and polling and hoopla and what-not made over all of the Cubs’ offseason acquisitions, where is the big stink about the guy who made a run at the Triple Crown in 2005 and who’s back after missing most of the 2006 season? If you’re angling for the human interest story, Gordon, how about plugging Lee’s Project 3000, which he helped found after his daughter was diagnosed with a genetic eye disorder?

While some of the media is busy labeling Aramis Ramirez as an offseason acquisition, where is the excitement to have Lee back? After all, Ramirez was around all of last season, playing hacky sack with the baseball and only slugging home runs long after the Mathematical Elimination Party had come and gone.

Lee, on the other hand, was limited to 50 games last year, and his big bat was clearly missed. Not even the 2005 version of Lee could have made a difference in the Cubs’ season in only 50 games.

The Cubs were bad last year, if you’re the type of person who zips major portions of your gonads into the zipper of your jeans, looks down, and says, “Golly. That’s bad.” For the rest of us, the Cubs were putrid, awful, wretched, and horrid. If someone were able to condense the 2006 Cubs’ season to liquid form, you could use it to strip off your wallpaper.

The additions of Alfonso Soriano, Ted Lilly, Jason Marquis, Cliff Floyd, Neil Cotts, and Mark DeRosa certainly can’t turn a 66-win team into a contender, right?

But what about the addition of all those guys as well as the guy who should have won the MVP in 2005, what with him being better than Albert Pujols at everything except watching his hairline recede and his balls shrink?

Isn’t Derrek Lee really the Cubs’ any team’s biggest acquisition of the offseason? Maybe it’s because it’s spring, and maybe it’s because I’m drunk, but I think I just talked myself into liking the Cubs’ chances.

Now, about that pitching…

• The Commish reminds us that the Cubs weren’t counting on Prior and Wood, so we shouldn’t panic that they’re ineffective and injured, respectively. Yep. Prior and Wood go through DL stints like The Commish goes through typewriter ribbons.
• As if the starting pitching wasn’t giving us ulcers, The Commish foresees that there are going to be more balls dropping in the Cubs’ outfield than there were on the third season of Boy Meets World.
• The Commish suggests that maybe $10M was a bit too much for a guy who throws too many balls. Seriously, can someone ask this guy to dial it down a notch? Here’s his e-mail address: gwittenmyer@suntimes.com.
• The Cubs want to get Wood four more outings and seven innings of work before he sees Major League action. Dream on, Rothschild. It’s not 1998.
• Good news, Merkin-lovers. Piniella is going to go easy on Floyd at least until his Achilles heel, well…heals. It helps that Floyd is playing the outfield like he just finished the 12-part “Your Outfield and You” series produced by Moises Alou. That means Murton is the starting left fielder, at least at the beginning of the season. Nice way of disguising the old “white guys play in the cold, black guys play in the heat” method of lineup-making. I’m on to you, Dusty Lou.
• In other baseball news, Red Sawx fans ah still the biggest fahkin’ idjits awn the planet. Yes, that includes White Sox fans. Last I heard, the bidding was up over $20,000.

12 more days until Opening Day. Let the Derrek Lee love flow.