When your self proclaimed Cy Young ace can’t get through the first inning without allowing four runs and your left fielder plays freeze tag between third and home with nobody out, and you suck like the Cubs do, chances are you’re not going to win that game.
So while the final score shows that the somnambulist Cubs lost 8-6 in Atlanta last night, what it doesn’t show is that they’d have won 6-5 if their dwarf shortstop didn’t play patty cake with a routine grounder with two outs in the seventh.
Sure, you can’t blame this all on Little Cesar Izturis. Chances are that given a lead rather than a deficit to continue to protect in innings eight and nine that the Cubs bullpen could have found a way to implode. But what we do know is that just a couple pitches after Scott Eyre got squeezed on a third strike call that would have ended the inning (against the mighty Scott Thorman–huh, the old shooting guard from Arkansas?–oh, that was Scotty Thurman), the next batter, pinch hitter Matt Diaz (who is trying to honkey-up his name by pronouncing it Die-az) hit a two hopper to Cesar who fielded it, patted it in his glove a couple of times, then threw just late to first.
Eyre’s explosive diarrhea returned, the mound and his pitching filled with crap and a couple of rockets later a 6-5 lead was an 8-6 deficit.
Len and Bob would blame the loss in part to the fact that the Cubs’ bullpen had to clean up Wade Miller’s mess yesterday and that they all pitched in the 14 inning game that Will Ohman decorated like a birthday cake before serving it to the Padres.
I blame the loss in part to that, in part to the fact that Cesar sucks and in part to the fact that Carlos pitched the first inning with his head crammed up his arse.
And for the second straight night we got to see Jason Marquis act like a real baseball player. On Wednesday he pinch ran for Daryle Ward (just how freakin’ slow in Daryle Ward anyway? We’ll get to this.) Last night he pinch hit.
Wednesday he didn’t score. Last night he didn’t get a hit. Just like the rest of the Cubs bench players.
I’m not going to completely rip Cesar. Earlier in the game he and Mark DeRosa pulled off a ridiculous double play when Cesar dove behind the bag, snagged the grounder and flipped to DeRosa while still flat on his stomach, DeRosa barehanded the throw, spun and got Chipper Jones at first.
That was nice.
Dogging a routine grounder was not so nice. Derrek Lee even tried the old Eric Karros “If I just sprint towards the dugout now, maybe the ump will have to call him out” move. To no avail.
This is what’s so frustrating about the Cubs. They’re just close enough to good that you think “Hey, a couple breaks go our way and we’re in business!” When in reality the only things likely to break are Cliff Floyd’s hips.
The NL Central is an apocalyptic cesspool of shitty baseball teams, and the Cubs…well, according to the standings… are the shittiest. Great.
What is with Daryle Ward anyway? Has anyone ever seen him run? So far this year when he pinch hits, if he gets on base Ryan Theriot immediately ends up on that base to run for him. It’s like Ward is a mother kangaroo and when he hops 90 feet he pulls Theriot out of his pouch and sets him on the bag. Then the zoo-keeper drives by in a jeep and puts Daryle back in his habitat (which is full of ice cream sandwiches.)
Wednesday, Theriot was already in the game, so Ward put Marquis in his pouch. This meant that if the game had gone to the 15th inning that Jason Marquis was going to play first base. Think about that. Lou Piniella would rather have a starting pitcher play first base than Daryle Ward. Now there’s a ringing endorsement. Lou quizzed Cliff Floyd about it on the bench, and newspaper reports said Cliff didn’t have an answer.
What really was said was this.
Lou: Hey, Cliff. If I punch run for the fat kangaroo, who’s gonna play first?
Cliff: Not me. I already played, and anyway, I took my pants off like an hour ago.
The Cubs are now 5-9 and last in the NL Central. There’s only one question to ask.
How’d they ever win five?
It’s a miracle.
mr dolan needs some of me
At least you didn’t shit the bed as much as we did last night!
The kangaroo analogy made me happen.
unghhh burp!
Three hundred million dollars just doesn’t go as far as it used to.
You’ve got to give us three more wins and 5 more losses before talking about miracles.
I’m your next starting shortstop.
We’d die of old age before we see 8-16 with this bunch.
And “punch run”? Guh. With comedy this week AND typos, I should just mail them to Rozner with Kaseberg’s name on them.
Alex Kaseburg? That guy’s hilarious. He used to inspire all my jokes before I died.
“It’s like Ward is a mother kangaroo and when he hops 90 feet he pulls Theriot out of his pouch and sets him on the bag.”
WOOOO!!!!!
Hey, look! Andy Dolan!
First salad shooter of the season, ol boy. Keep ’em comin’.
Easy on the negative there, fella. In 2004, the Houston Astros…
I’m an outstanding nickname.
Say it right bitches!!!
I’m not Number 9, but I agree.
Things could be worse. You could be me.
EG, you know damn well who number 9 was.
I thought #9 was EG. Are you saying that it’s not, Slaky? Was it AC?
is it just my television or all the braves fat and i mean fatty fat fat fat?
#17 Nope, #9 is not me. I’m me.
Will there be a livecast today?
Apparently I’m still flying under the radar. Where’s the sweaty, shirtless manlove for me? How many more shutouts do I have to pitch before you fuckwads notice who the real ace around here is?
Where the hell am I?
Cubs Live Here? Now? Anyone?
BREEEEEEEVE!
DP to get out of the inning.