If I’m an Illini’ fan…
I’m getting increasingly nervous every time I hear someone drop the 2003-4 St. Joseph’s label on my team. Nervous, not confident (see: “When You’re On Top”). It took an abysmal 41% free throw shooting night from the Badgers, two improbable Jack Ingram 3’s, and a sore-widdle-footsie-wootsie from Brian Butch to stay undefeated and end the Kohl Center home streak at 38. But let’s face it, that streak had much more to do with guys like Kirk Penny, Mike Kelly and Devin Harris than the lesser talented, and softer, players on the current Badger roster. Atlantic 10, Big 10, tomat-uh, tomat-ah — I’m just saying. I’m also just saying thank you ESPN for giving us more Erin Andrews and less Doris Burke.
If I’m a KU fan, I’m a little pissed that a single non-conference road loss is not only enough to drop my team to #7 in the polls, but behind a Kentucky squad that we convincingly beat on their floor without our top player (Simien). Then again since college basketball polls are relatively meaningless, I’d just go back to cursing Bill Self for not shortening his current 12-man rotation and continuing to give significant minutes to the increasingly one-dimensional J.R. Giddens at the expense of former Menudo member, Alex Galindo.
If I’m a Duke fan, and I am, I feel so blessed that even in an unexpected rebuilding year with the Blue Devils picked to finish no higher than 5th in their own conference, that they still get every call and that the television networks and NCAA conspiratorially ensured that they wouldn’t have to play North Carolina, Wake Forest or Georgia Tech until February. You’re right too, depth is a huge problem that will likely end in the first one-and-done since Earl Boykins and Eastern Michigan. That’s if they don’t lose out and settle for an NIT bid. They may be the most overrated #2 team in the nation in the history of college basketball. Seriously, they’re not good — you definitely want them on your side of the bracket. Especially you, Illinois — you match up perfectly with them. Redick sucks. Ewing sucks. Shelden sucks.
If I’m a Boston College fan, I am so happy that we don’t join the ACC until next year. Of course playing that crappy Duke team in two nationally televised games could be a nice recruiting tool. “Come to Boston College where you can embarrass those sissy-boys from Durham twice a year.”
If someone held a gun to my head they might end up pulling the trigger before I could decide between Jenna and Barbara. You go with Barbara and you get all those teeth, you go with Jenna and you have to keep her out of the Dairy Queen drive-through. Decisions, decisions.
If I am Charisma Carpenter’s parents, I’m still not sure how she didn’t end up a stripper. “And now gentlemen coming to the main stage, please put your hands together for Charisma… ”
If I am Danny from the Apprentice’s parents, I have no idea what you’re talking about —- that’s not my son.
If I am Jessica Simpson, every time I feel a little guilty that I got the rack, the nose, the hair, the voice, the talent, um, what was I feeling guilty about again? It’s just so hard to concentrate while staring at myself in the mirror above my bed. Damn, I look hot, and boy am I surprisingly flexible!
If I am Paul Giamatti I don’t say jack about Clint Eastwood stealing my Oscar nomination, because I don’t desire to have my ass publicly kicked by a 70-year old. Besides, even though my own barber couldn’t tell you my last name, I did get to host Saturday Night Live last week. People still watch that show, right? Right???
If I’m Marissa, I think long and hard before screwing over Seth Cohen this week by seducing his hot little bartender girlfriend. Even though it will be tremendous for ratings as well as my popularity within the lesbian community. If I play my cards right, the next heart I’d break would be Ellen Degeneres. Mmmm, come to momma Portia! And don’t even get me started on Portia vs. Alex (Olivia Wilde).
If I am Doug Mienxkeyswitcz, the Red Sox can have their ball as soon as they pry it from my cold, dead fingers. Luckily, I’d be hiding the ball in the one place I knew they wouldn’t be looking for it. That is assuming Jim Edmonds’ is not on the search committee.
If I am Terrell Owens, I take the needle and call up Mr. Miyagi.
If I’m You, I am extremely thankful I have a guy like me in your life to steer you towards life’s little treasures. Today’s treasure: annarawson.net. Looks like Ben Roethlisberger’s bad decisions aren’t limited to the football field. I mean if you’re going to date an LPGA pro, and not an adult film star or one of the Bush twins, Anna is clearly the one and only choice, right? Miss Rawson seemingly comes fully loaded with all the options — including the ability to tell you the temperature without opening her mouth.
If I am a Disney Cruise bartender I am practicing my mojito mixing, because if there’s one thing Mr. Potter hates, it’s a slow mojito.
See you cold, land-locked suckers in a week and a half! Fortunately you’ll have Anna R. to keep you warm.
Mike Kelly wasn’t there for any part of the streak, which started in 2002.
Just post the pictures and don’t make us scroll through your inane musings.
Don’t forget your cabana wear and the medication that fuels your paranoia.
It’s a big hit on the poop deck when you accost someone out of the blue with: “You’re right too, depth is a huge problem for Duke.”
A Brian Butch owie?
I could fold that soft-ass white boy in two.
“It took an abysmal 41% free throw shooting night from the Badgers, two improbable Jack Ingram 3’s, and a sore-widdle-footsie-wootsie from Brian Butch to stay undefeated and end the Kohl Center home streak at 38.”
Wow, this actually steams on a day as cold as this.
Andy, “steams”? Really?
If Wisconsin shoots their season average from the line (66%), they pick up 4 additional points, Butch averages 4+ per game, and the fact that Ingram had only made one 3 on the season made him an unlikely hero from long-range.
I had no idea ‘scrolling’ was such a burden for you. Had I known people were actually clicking my posts expecting to read something I would have shot just higher than inane. Next time I’ll include my thoughts on Skip Caray’s sexual preference and count the ways I love Head… Luther, mostly…
Skip?
Or Chip?
I thought we pretty well had Chip covered, Mike….
I told you guys Duke was overrated…. Not so inane after all…
I don’t open the newspaper this morning.
If I am Dukebag Jake, I stop using last year’s St. Joe’s team as an example of my expertise. I said those overrated hacks would never make it out of round 2, but they were one bucket away from the Final Four.
Gopher, newspapers don’t scare me — unless there’s a front page article on midget mimes or something.
And despite your advice, I think I’ll keep using the St. Joe’s metaphor. Regardless of my prediction, I think Phil Martelli and Jameer Nelson had their sights set a little higher than a nice Elite 8 showing. One bucket away might as well be twenty in the minds of most college basketball fans that can rattle off each year’s Final Four participants, but couldn’t tell you who each of those teams beat to get there, let alone how narrow their margin of victory was.
Besides, it sounds like you’d be satisfied with an Elite 8 appearance, so I think you’re really gonna like my tourney predictions for this season…
By the way, I just go to the Personals section of the newspaper. How many responses have you had to your ad?:
Can you take it to the hole? Lonely Illini’ fan seeks 2 trannies to watch the Michigan State game with — and possibly more.
Never said the Illini (no apostrophe) will or should be satisfied with Elite Eight. Simply saying that the nervousness you’re attempting to inspire only has as much credibility as the comparison to St. Joe’s, who you were wrong about.
Understood you’re too busy trying to get your lip to stop quivering this morning to make any sense talking basketball, so you turn to some sort of nonsensical and retardo sexuality insult that has nothing to do with me or my comment. Grow up, man.
Whatever.
Gopher, first those that use the word ‘retardo’ are not allowed to tell others to ‘Grow Up’ and still be taken seriously. Besides, awfully defensive all of a sudden, aren’t we? It’s not like anyone was making judgements. Besides you that is — are trannies not allowed to enjoy a college basketball game? Or are they just not allowed in your presence? Very interesting that just the appearance of the word ‘tranny’ had you immediately visiting your sexuality.
Secondly, here’s what I did say about St. Joseph’s before Selection Sunday — “They’re going down sometime.” Not exactly going out on a limb, but they and Stanford were the two #1 seeds I consistently dismissed. After Selection Sunday I predicted St. Joe’s would fall to Wake Forest in the Sweet 16. By your rationale Wake was only two buckets away from proving me right (84-80), so am I to consider that a draw? Or at least an asterisk???
They went one game further than I had them going — so yeah, I suppose I was wrong. Just as wrong as all those that had the Hawks in their Final Four or Championship game. Please be sure to email me your bracket this year and your permission to pass your picks off as my own so I can avoid future public embarrassment.
Which obviously pales in your mind to the embarrassment you’d endure by spending an evening watching college basketball with two transsexuals and risk your friends and family finding out about it. How about gays, would you be comfortable sharing a couch with a gay if he was rooting for your team? The home team, so to speak.
And why is it that you’re so concerned regarding the status of another man’s lips, anyway?
Is this the first back-and-forth we’ve had on the newly designed Desipio?
Me likey.
This is the most interested I’ve been about college Hoops since David Rivers took the Irish to the Sweet 16 in ’88.
And I’m not even an Illini fan.
Take 5 minutes to skim through what you really wrote last Feb/March about St. Joe and Stanford.
“St. Joseph’s is at the top of my list of early exits.”
“Saint Joseph’s is going to need a helluva lot of help from the selection committee to get past their 8/9. They don’t want any part of a Michigan State, Missouri, or Arizona.”
“We’re talking Stanford, Duke, Pittsburgh, Mississippi State, Gonzaga, Oklahoma State, N.C. State, and Texas. Mark it down now, your 2004 NCAA Champion will come from this list.”
I would get my office email fixed.
You’re losing me, G.
What exactly is the point here — besides the fact that you obviously hang on my every word, poised to shout from the mountaintops when time arguably proves me wrong? I had no idea I was such an important part of your life.
Regardless of what I was saying in February, I think we can all agree that I did not have a high opinion of the 2003-4 St. Joseph’s Hawks. (You are waaaaayyyyyyy too hung up on this). Luckily for them, they did not draw any of the teams I warned against in the second round, and instead got the winner of Texas Tech/Charlotte (i.e. Perfect draw). Still, they did not play to seed — which you’re conveniently overlooking.
You’re also overlooking the fact that on February 18, I nailed two Final Four teams before the tournament field was even set — one of which was not a #1 seed. Before the brackets were released, I also said that Stanford would be “the first big dog to fall.” Of course we all know that without outside intervention either Oklahoma State or Duke would have been crowned 2004 NCAA Champion as I predicted. Had I ever believed Jim Calhoun would actually sell his soul to Myles Brand for a second title, and that Brand would so openly and cavalierly have his lackey officials foul every Blue Devil out of the building in the National Semifinals including Mickie Krzyzewski and David Silver’s dad, I certainly would have allowed myself the additional wiggle-room and re-evaluated my list of contenders published ONE MONTH BEFORE THE START OF THE F-ING TOURNEY!
So seriously, Gopher. What’s your problem? More importantly, what are your other hobbies besides memorizing the Desipio Archives and getting your panties in a bunch over trivial statements?
How dare you compare us to anything other than 1975-76 Indiana or John Wooden’s UCLA teams.
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