As if the shame of rooting for a team who hasn’t won a World Series since the invention of radio wasn’t enough, thanks to the good people at Steiner Sports, you can spend vast amounts of cash and re-live the glory days of the Chicago Cubs with expensive crap that will take up space in your house. You know, just like your kids.
For instance, the Cubs on-deck circle from Shea Stadium can be yours for only $500! Ooh, great, you can now have a reminder every day of that cute little black cat who ran past it in 1969, and most likely peed on it or had a litter of kittens on it. Honey, get the credit card out of the safe! You know, the good one, the one with the cash still available on it!
But wait, there’s more!
How about $119.95 for a Moises Alou autographed picture of him and Steve Bartman pairing up to kick Cubs’ fans all over the world right in the groin back in 2003. I know I can’t get enough of this moment. The only thing better would be if Steve autographed it, too. But his manager at the Stuckey’s in Coon Lick, Georgia where he’s working as part of his witness protection program won’t give Steve his mail. Oh, darn it.
Don’t you just love the fact that Moises seems to really enjoy autographing this picture? I know I do. But hey, what else does he have to do on the DL but sign autographs and piss on Carlos Beltran’s hands?
Here’s one that I’d actually like to have, so don’t you dare buy it before I get a chance to. I mean, this isn’t just an autographed collectible, no, this is a little part of history.
How about spending $89.99 for a Don Zimmer autographed black baseball? Did you know they used to use black baseballs? I had no idea, but let’s just say that the reasons that Don got beaned twice back in the ’50s are much clearer now. Holy crap, how’d you like to try to get out of the way of this thing coming at you at 92 MPH during a night game?
The best part of this is that if you buy now, Steiner Sports will put you on a list that will enable you to bid on the plate in Don’s head, guaranteed to removed in an autopsy no later than 48 hours after his death. Now that’s what they call “added value!”
(And yes, I know that they didn’t probably really use this black baseball in a game. Everybody knows that in the olden days the balls were whatever color the cow they skinned was. Jeesh.)
And finally, I saved the best for last. Who wouldn’t pay the asking price (or even twice that) of $199.00 for not only the official lineup card from that famous May 31, 2005 clash between the Dodgers and Cubs, and oh, did I mention that it’s autographed by then Dodgers’ manager and former Cubs superstar Jim Tracy? I know, try to contain yourself. Breathe slowly.
I mean, this is a collectible that any Cubs’ fan will long treasure. Check out the illustrious Cubs’ legends who played in this game:
Thanks to Jim’s handy habit of completely blotting out guys who left the game, some of the legends are obscured. But I don’t have to tell you how exciting it is to see the names that are left. It’s a who’s who of greatness.
Leading off, Neifi Perez! Right there you’ve already gotten your money’s worth.
Jose Macias came in to play third base, can you beat that?
Enrique Wilson was ready to bat from either side if only Dusty had needed him.
He got Todd Hollandsworth an AB, but sensibly kept Jerry Hairston Jr. around just in case. You never know when you might need several foul balls sent up behind the third base dugout late in a game.
And look at those available pitchers. Greats like Cliff Bartosh, Will Ohman, John the Ice Man Leicester, Roberto Novoa, Todd Wellemeyer and Sweaty Joe.
And that Dodgers lineup was not full of slouches (not full, just heavily stocked with them) including one-time Cubs great Hee Seop Choi.
Since you are a Cubs fan I don’t have to tell you that the Cubs won this game 2-1, the fifth of seven straight wins in that remarkable 2005 season which ended with them narrowly missing the playoffs (by 10 games).
Operators are standing by. To take your money and ridicule you behind the safety of the mute button on their headset.
Wow, I put together a really shitty team in 2005.
Yeah, you did put together a shitty team, you derelict.
I have to admit that I have the autographed Moises picture hanging on my office wall. My colleague and now-boss, who is a White Sox fan, actually purchased it for the sole purpose of hanging in on my wall when I was on vacation. I’ve let it there, because, in the end, I do think it is kind of funny.
I still work where I worked in 2003 – Hewitt Associates in Lincolnshire. I never went to London or “underground”. However, during orientation at Hewitt, all new hires are informed that if they call or email me for any reason other than work, they will be immediately terminated. So, I have that going for me. Which is nice.
I’m still ill prepared to put a team together. Why else did Lou begin every press conference last year with “Well, with the team we have…”
I haven’t found a leadoff hitter yet, my starting rotation has only 2 quality pitchers, and I overpaid tremendously for an oft injured left fielder who’s on base % is a joke.
How can I get that clause in all employee contracts, #4. Honestly, that would be worth worldwide ridicule.
But Stuckey’s is funnier.
Damn
Weee!
Has anyone read this dryheave hairball catturd of an article?
http://mlb.mlb.com/news/article.jsp?ymd=20080415&content_id=2531393&vkey=news_mlb&fext=.jsp&c_id=mlb
Comedic Content: 8.25 of 10
That article is me. Leave the Muskrat alone.
After reading this post, I went ahead and purchased the 5/31/08 lineup card. It will go next to my 1969 and 2003 World Series pennants. As a Cubs diehard, this was a pivotal road win (by a Neifi Perez 10th-inning single) that propelled the Cubs to a 79-83 record that only left them 21 games back in the division. A banner year for the Cubs and Cub nation.
“I went ahead and purchased the 5/31/08 lineup card”
You got ahold of a lineup card from next month? And Neifi Perez is on it as a Cub? Gaaah!
I’ll be having a few quid on that, then.
I read that Muskrat article. I really liked how it was going to be odd for Dusty to put on traveling gray’s at Wrigley. Huh? I’m pretty sure Dusty has put on the traveling grays a time or two before. He was with the Cubs for 4 years, but he played or managed for other teams the entire rest of his career. This is not like Ernie Banks or Ron Santo sitting in the visitors clubhouse.