Greg Maddux, the Puppet Master

[Kerm]

Fuck Maddux.

How in God's name can you not like Greg Maddux?

[Internet Apex]

Fuck Maddux.

How in God's name can you not like Greg Maddux?

Not a big Braves fan. I always enjoyed watching him work but these days I'm increasingly bitter that he spent all his best years elsewhere. Nothing personal.

[Mike Douche]

Fuck Maddux.

How in God's name can you not like Greg Maddux?

Not a big Braves fan. I always enjoyed watching him work but these days I'm increasingly bitter that he spent all his best years elsewhere. Nothing personal.

Maddux' 131 wins in a Cubs uniform puts him 4 behind Rick Reuschel for most wins in a Cubs uniform in your lifetime.

It's not his fault that the team was being run by a clown college in '92.  Fact is, he took less to pitch in Atlanta than he could have gotten pitching for the Yankees.

Fuck Maddux?  Fuck Stanton Cook and Larry Himes.

[Internet Apex]

Fuck Maddux.

How in God's name can you not like Greg Maddux?

Not a big Braves fan. I always enjoyed watching him work but these days I'm increasingly bitter that he spent all his best years elsewhere. Nothing personal.

Maddux' 131 wins in a Cubs uniform puts him 4 behind Rick Reuschel for most wins in a Cubs uniform in your lifetime.

It's not his fault that the team was being run by a clown college in '92.  Fact is, he took less to pitch in Atlanta than he could have gotten pitching for the Yankees.

Fuck Maddux?  Fuck Stanton Cook and Larry Himes.

Yes. Fuck those guys, of course. I hate Himes as much as any sports exec who ever lived. Believe me, I do. If you want me to have a mature, adult reaction to this, fine. Here goes:

I don't care about Maddux. I don't really feel anything one way or another about him. But there was a time I did. My dad has a good friend who grew up next door to Greg and Mike Maddux's grandparents. Greg and Mike used to spend big chunks of their summers hanging out with that dude and they got pretty close. So that friend of my dad's could get Cubs tickets anytime he wanted. And every year he'd get some for my dad and I. Those were the best memories of my early adolescence, sitting in Greg Maddux seats behind home plate at Wrigley. Some of you who grew up in this area might take for granted how huge that is for a youngster but it was never lost on me. In those days, I pitched in little league and I worshipped Maddux. He and Sutcliffe were everything to me. When Maddux left for Atlanta it was like a kick to the sack that never fully healed. Especially not when Maddux went to the playoffs every year, the Series a few times and won it once while the Cubs sucked donkey dick for damn near the entire decade.

Like the hot chick who was your friend when you were in grade school but her parents moved to another school and she forgot all about you, it hurt to think of what might have been had she stuck around. Now she never even says, hello until she's already been worn out by every jock at that other school and her parents suddenly move back. She wants to be friends again. She might even let you hit. Oh, by the way, she's got a kid with some other asshole and she's put on about 20 pounds. Yay?

Ok, it's not Maddux's fault that we got stiffed so bad. But fuck if I'm going to get all misty-eyed about that guy and his 131 (!) wins in a Cub uniform. Fuck all that shit. I'm a Cubs fan. Retire Fergie's 31 and see if Maddux even gives a flying shit. I certainly doubt he would.

[Kerm]

Maddux says, "Please don't hate me, Apex."

[butthead]

Ok, it's not Maddux's fault that we got stiffed so bad. But fuck if I'm going to get all misty-eyed about that guy and his 131 (!) wins in a Cub uniform. Fuck all that shit. I'm a Cubs fan.

I'm with you. I'd probably like Maddux more if he never was a Cub. Instead I mostly think about what could have been if he never left. It was nice that he came back and I loved watching him pitch, but overall his career was a disappointment to me as a Cubs fan.

[BBM]

Fuck Maddux.

How in God's name can you not like Greg Maddux?

Apex is really Roger Clemens??

[5laky]

Fuck Maddux.

How in God's name can you not like Greg Maddux?

Apex is really Roger Clemens??

Everyone knows Apex is black.

[Simmer]

I always liked Maddux because of his style of pitching, regardless of who he pitched for.  The same reason why I never liked Clemens, regardless of who he pitched for. 

Where Maddux used chess pieces to outmatch hitters, Fat Roger Clettitte used a needle in his ass to overpower them. 

The fact that Maddux was a Cub at one point of course helps me like him.  The fact that he left sucked.  But, being a fan of good, solid, smarts-based pitching, I always liked the guy, and always will.  Clemens can go suck the dried crusted ass-blood off a rusted syringe tip.

[Tank]

I always liked Maddux because of his style of pitching, regardless of who he pitched for.  The same reason why I never liked Clemens, regardless of who he pitched for. 

Where Maddux used chess pieces to outmatch hitters, Fat Roger Clettitte used a needle in his ass to overpower them. 

The fact that Maddux was a Cub at one point of course helps me like him.  The fact that he left sucked.  But, being a fan of good, solid, smarts-based pitching, I always liked the guy, and always will.  Clemens can go suck the dried crusted ass-blood off a rusted syringe tip drink some Miller Lite.

Ewww'd

[Kerm]

This development, of course, forces us to ask ourselves, "Who is willing to murder Larry Rothschild in his sleep so that Greg can be the pitching coach next year?"

Huey?

[butthead]

This development, of course, forces us to ask ourselves, "Who is willing to murder Larry Rothschild in his sleep so that Greg can be the pitching coach next year?"

Huey?

Why does he need to be asleep? Pussy.

[Mike Douche]

This development, of course, forces us to ask ourselves, "Who is willing to murder Larry Rothschild in his sleep so that Greg can be the pitching coach next year?"Huey?

Huh.  I hadn't even thought of that.  I'm really getting old.

However, Maddux himself claims to have not considered a vocation, if he and Bob Verdi are to be believed.

Most gifted athletes cannot transfer their knowledge, but Maddux's teammates will say he already has imparted an almost supernatural grasp of the game. He cannot teach how to snag a record 18 Gold Gloves, or win at least 15 games in a record 17 consecutive seasons, but he is nicknamed "The Professor" for a reason. When Maddux retires, baseball cannot let that mind go to waste."Pitching coach?" he said. "Haven't really thought about it. Senior golf tour? I'm 42. If I get really good by the time I'm 50, and can actually make it, I'll be up against guys like Lee Janzen, who won two U.S. Opens. Don't like my chances, do you?

His thoughts on golf are hilarious.  He's definitely thought about the Seniors Tour.  Still, "Haven't really thought about (pitching coach)"?  Even though he sees how his less talented brother gets to do it for a living?

If it doesn't work out for the tour, I don't think there'd be any doubt that Maddux would command a pretty penny for his services as a coach. 

[Kerm]

This development, of course, forces us to ask ourselves, "Who is willing to murder Larry Rothschild in his sleep so that Greg can be the pitching coach next year?"Huey?

Huh.  I hadn't even thought of that.  I'm really getting old.

However, Maddux himself claims to have not considered a vocation, if he and Bob Verdi are to be believed.

Most gifted athletes cannot transfer their knowledge, but Maddux's teammates will say he already has imparted an almost supernatural grasp of the game. He cannot teach how to snag a record 18 Gold Gloves, or win at least 15 games in a record 17 consecutive seasons, but he is nicknamed "The Professor" for a reason. When Maddux retires, baseball cannot let that mind go to waste."Pitching coach?" he said. "Haven't really thought about it. Senior golf tour? I'm 42. If I get really good by the time I'm 50, and can actually make it, I'll be up against guys like Lee Janzen, who won two U.S. Opens. Don't like my chances, do you?

His thoughts on golf are hilarious.  He's definitely thought about the Seniors Tour.  Still, "Haven't really thought about (pitching coach)"?  Even though he sees how his less talented brother gets to do it for a living?

If it doesn't work out for the tour, I don't think there'd be any doubt that Maddux would command a pretty penny for his services as a coach. 

I'll pass the hat at Kitty O'Shea's.

[RV]

I always liked Maddux because of his style of pitching, regardless of who he pitched for.  The same reason why I never liked Clemens, regardless of who he pitched for. 

Where Maddux used chess pieces to outmatch hitters, Fat Roger Clettitte used a needle in his ass to overpower them. 

The fact that Maddux was a Cub at one point of course helps me like him.  The fact that he left sucked.  But, being a fan of good, solid, smarts-based pitching, I always liked the guy, and always will.  Clemens can go suck the dried crusted ass-blood off a rusted syringe tip.

Well said Simmer, couldn't agree more. But who could blame Cubs management for spending $5 million on Greg Hibbard and Jose Guzman instead of spending a ridiculous $6 million on Maddux?

(chugs bottle of Drano)