This series is a nightmare for Cubs fans. The two division rivals we hate the most, playing for a trip to the World Series. The only thing that can save us now is for the New Madrid Fault to finally give way and swallow up both teams and the Big Urinal Cake. Those odds aren’t great.

So, instead of ignoring it, we have assembled our crack staff of scouts and we’ll give you an in-depth preview of our version of the Iran-Iraq war, it’s Houston-St. Louis.

Scouting Reports

First Base

Astros: Jeff Bagwell — By midseason, Bagwell’s career seemed to be over. His chronically bad shoulder had sapped him of his power, and the whispers about his abilities being robbed by the fear of random steroid tests were getting louder. Then, apparently, Bagwell got a hold of Gary Sheffield’s “scar cream” and suddenly he’s hitting the ball again. Hmm?…He never was a good high ball hitter and he’s hopeless now, but get it down around his knees and he’ll crush it. You have to pitch him opposite of the way you pitch most righthanded hitters…He has good hands at first, but he can not throw at all. He used to be a threat to throw out any runner on a bunt play, now if you bunt it at him with a guy at second, you know that guy will be on third…He’s not as fast as he used to be, and doesn’t steal anymore, but he’s smart on the bases and can still go first to third…Remember the year he grew the really long chinbeard? Yeah, that was awesome.

Satanic Fowl: Albert Pujols — Fine, he’s the best righthanded hitter in the National League. Now that that’s out of the way, let’s rip him!…A certain monobrowed announcer and his dwarfish former sidekick might think that Albert’s in line for a Gold Glove, but they’re the only ones. He’s got average range at first and decent hands, but nothing exceptional. He tries to “steal” outs by lunging off the bag a-la Eric Karros on any close play, but he’s starting to do it on almost every play. It’ll be interesting to see if he steals an “out” for the Astros by accident…He has a good arm, but is not comfortable throwing over the runner on plays where he is trying to start a double play…He does like to try and cut down lead runners on bunts, though…He’s a non factor on the bases, as he has below average speed…We did an investigation and found out that not only was he born in the early 1950’s, but as a young boy he had some unspecified involvement in the Bay of Pigs.

Second Base

Astros: Jeff Pornstache — He’s a free agent after the season and it will be interesting to see if anybody wants to put up with him in the twilight of his career. He’s not the easiest guy to get along with. In San Francisco, where Barry Bonds is a jerk to everybody, Kent was the least liked player on the team…He doesn’t catch up to good fastballs anymore, but likes breaking balls inside. It’s why he sets up so far away from the plate, he’s less likely to get jammed with a fastball and if you leave a curve or slider too far inside he’ll whack it to right field…He’s the worst defensive second baseball in the game right now. He has no range and shows no desire to turn the tough double plays. He chases pop ups like the object is to stay as far away from the ball as possible…He’s slow, and couldn’t get from first to third if you let him run straight across the infield…His mustache is home to three different breeds of hummingbirds.

Satanic Fowl: Tony Womack — He has not improved his approach at the plate and either he made a deal with the devil or there’s no way to explain his 2004 season. I pity whoever decides to spend money on him in the offseason…He’s still extremely fast, but takes bad routes on grounders to either side and doesn’t get to as many as he should…His elbow problems make it almost impossible for him to throw from the bag at second to first without a bounce, and he’s a non-factor on relay throws from right and right-center…Watch how they’ll cheat and send Edgar out to cut off the vast majority of relays…He’s a good basestealer, but is careless at first. Raul Chavez will pick him off first at least once in the series…He’s a sucker for any thrown ball. There’s no reason to throw him a strike once you get ahead in the count. If you throw strike one, you could throw the next two over the screen and get him out.

Shortstop

Astros: Jose Vizcaino — If Adam Everett is healthy enough to be on the playoff roster why isn’t he playing short? Vizcaino is dependable, but he’s got no range, a bad arm and isn’t much of a threat at the plate. Other than that, he’s great…As a switch hitter he’s got no power from either side. He doesn’t run well anymore and can’t steal…In the field he can make the routine plays and that’s about it…It’s absurd that a team with a middle infield of him and Kent can advance in the playoffs…You get the feeling that if all the Cardinals do is ground balls back up the middle they’ll win every game.

Satanic Fowl: Edgar Renteria — He didn’t just have an “off” year, he had a bad year. His batting average dropped 43 points, his on base average dropped 67 points and his slugging dropped 79 points to a horrific .401. Even his stolen bases went from 34 to 17…You wonder if he’s really 29. The Marlins said he was 21 when he broke in, but that didn’t seem likely…He’s still got good range at short and a good arm, but back problems have robbed him of the ability to make some throws in the hole he used to…Compared to Vizcaino though, he’s Miguel Tejada…He had a good LDS against the Dodgers, but the Dodgers didn’t really get anybody out, so who knows?…The Cardinals say they want to lock him up long term, but they haven’t tried very hard. It’s either because they know the market isn’t likely to give big bucks to anybody but Carlos Beltran, or because they know better than to give him a long term deal.

Third Base

Astros: Morgan Ensberg and Mike Lamb — Ensberg is the better defender of the two, but that’s more a product of Lamb being a complete closet case in the field than Ensberg’s excellence…Ensberg’s power dropped off almost unbelievably this year, especially when you consider that joke of a left field line in Houston…Lamb’s a better hitter, but needs the platoon because good lefties eat him alive. Both Yosemite Phil and Jimy did a good job of only letting Lamb bat against the Mike Remlingers of the world this year…He only hit .235 on the road, but he was a terror at home, hitting .352…Ensberg has good speed and looks just like OU head coach Bob Stoops.

Satanic Fowl: Scott Rolen — He has been terrible since injuring his calf in September. He didn’t get a hit (0-12) in the LDS and only reached base once…When healthy (which has been rare) he’s a great player…At the plate he handles just about anything, but especially likes to pull the ball. Since his injury he’s reminded me of the late era Mark McGwire, the one who could only swing with his arms and couldn’t adjust to a change of speeds…He’s not running well because of the leg injury but is a very good baserunner. When healthy he’s a stolen base threat…He’s the best defensive third baseman in the game and has an unbelievably strong and accurate arm…He’s freakin’ huge. He’s listed as 6’4, 240, but he’s probably closer to 265 and agile. It’s ironic that a guy that big and strong always seems to get hurt just in time for the playoffs.

Left Field

Astros: Craig Biggio — He’s bad. He’s a terrible defensive outfielder, and has actually been exposed since his move to left field. At least in center he could catch the few balls he could get to because center’s the easiest spot to play. The ball is almost always hit straight to center. In left you get all kinds of hooks and slices and he’s not comfortable. His arm is likely the worst of any left fielder in the big leagues right now…He can still run a little, and has occasional power, but he doesn’t get on base (.337) enough to be a real threat as a leadoff guy anymore…If I were managing the team (and it ought to be my turn pretty soon) I’d have Jason Lane in left and have Beltran leading off…There’s so much pine tar on his helmet that if he gets hit there with a pitch, the ball will just stick.

Satanic Fowl: Reggie Sanders — He should never hit a home run. He can’t hit anything above his hands and he loves to swing at those pitches anyway…He hasn’t been able to hit a good fastball for six years now, and yet teams still throw him sliders down in the zone. He can hit those, and does…He doesn’t run very well anymore and plays too deep in left field, to try and minimize the number of balls hit over his head. He could get away with it in right because Womack had such good range on short flyballs, but Rolen’s not running well and Renteria’s been cheating towards the bag this year…He has a very good arm and it’s still very accurate. The only chance you have of scoring on well hit singles to left is if he’s playing too deep.

Center Field

Astros: Carlos Beltran — He’s just a tremendous player. He’s got plus power from both sides of the plate and only struck out 101 times in 599 at bats…He’s a very good defensive centerfielder and that was the biggest motivation for the Astros trade. They had to find a guy who could actually cover all that room out there, and he can…He’s got a very good arm and takes the mound out of play on throws to home as well as anybody in either league…He only hit .258 in the NL, but was 28-28 in stolen base attempts…He’s going to get a freakishly huge contract in the offseason and deserves every penny…He’s a better fastball hitter righthanded than lefthanded and is harder to strike out righthanded. In a series full of some really good players, he’s the best one. And it’s not really that close.

Satanic Fowl: Lassie Edmonds — Still a good hitter, though his defensive prowess is as much reputation at this point as anything else. He plays shallow and dares you to hit it over his head, and will slow down and dive at routine flyballs…He’s got an average arm, but it’s accurate…At the plate he can’t handle the ball up and will try and pull offspeed stuff away…Do you think Marquis Grissom is a great defensive outfielder? Because Edmonds and he have the same range and both play at about the same depth…He never met a pitch he couldn’t bitch about…The last time the Giants were in the LCS he threw a tantrum at first base in the deciding game because he thought Fernando Vina should have scored from second on a single he hit. Yeah, he’s a great team leader.

Right Field

Astros: Fat Lance Berkman — Fat Lance can really hit. Most of his power comes lefthanded, but he’s a good righthanded hitter. He walked (127) more times than he struck out (101) and he posted a .450 on base average. There’s no good way to pitch him, though righthanded he can be a little tardy on high fastballs…He’s not a good outfielder. He was better in left, especially in Houston where there’s not much ground to cover. His arm is average. He’s slow, but not a bad athlete and if he can get to the wall in time, he’s a factor in hauling back homers…When Bagwell retires, Berkman will likely move to first base. He plays there on occasion and has very good hands…His beard is not a good look. He looks like he spent 30 days on Survivor…without the benefits of starvation weight loss.

Satanic Fowl: Larry Walker — He’s an upgrade because his arrival sent the decaying corpse of Ray Lankford to the bench, and he hit the Dodgers pretty well. But, as you would expect his numbers dropped pretty dramatically after the trade away from Coors. With the Cardinals he struck out more than he walked, he hit 44 points lower, his on base average dropped 71 points, and his slugging percentage dropped 70 points…He still has a good arm, but no range…The good news is that he hasn’t found a dead body on his property in three months…He gives them a strong lefty bat though and very good balance in their order…The Astros don’t have particularly good lefties so that’s an edge for the Cardinals.

Catcher

Astros: Brad Ausmus and Raul Chavez — Hey, did you know Ausmus went to Dartmouth? Has there ever been a national broadcast of a game he’s catching where somebody didn’t bring that up? I didn’t think so…Ausmus is still solid defensively, but doesn’t throw as well as he used to…He’s got good speed for a catcher but rarely hits the ball safely to show it off…At the plate he’s the righthanded version of Gabor Bako…Chavez isn’t much of a hitter either, but he’s got a better arm than Ausmus and is very aggressive…Ausmus calls a better game, though Oswalt in particular seems to be comfortable with Chavez…Garner has long had an affinity for crappy catchers (Matheny in Milwaukee, Ausmus and Inge in Detroit) so these two stiffs fit right in.

Satanic Fowl: Mike Matheny — There is no more overrated catcher in baseball than Matheny. He’s got a good (not great) arm and is solid behind the plate. He’s more a product of the Tony LaRussa hype machine than anything else. At least he hasn’t cut himself with a hunting knife yet this year…He’s a .230 career hitter with an on base average of less than .300. He’s actually less of a threat than Ausmus or Chavez…You’ll hear all about what a “brick wall” he is behind home plate, and it’s true. He’s got the range of one.

Starting Pitchers

Astros: Brandon Backe — Was a pleasant surprise down the stretch for them. He pitched well in big games against the Cubs, Giants and Cardinals…Is a good hitter for a pitcher…Average fastball, decent breaking stuff, has not fared well in second go around against teams…Could very well get lit up early by the Cardinals in game one.

Pete Munro — He’s bad. Lefties hit .337 against him, righties hit .272 and he will get torched in game two. There’s just no reason to say anything else.

Roger Clettitte — He had a great season for a man his age…Do you even need a scouting report on him? Still has a plus fastball, good split and slider…Pitches inside at will, is a good hitter and pretty good fielder…Did not look good in the LDS, but had the runs in game one and pitched game four on three days rest at 42 years of age…Has weird homoerotic manlove relationship with former Yankee teammate and current Astros teammate Andy Clettitte…Could very well be mildy retarded, as is his oldest son who can only say, “Go Yankees!”

Roy Oswalt — Best pitcher on the staff. He’s got a deceptive delivery, a sneaky fastball and good curveball…His groin is prone to falling off at just the wrong moments…Handles the bat well, though not exceptional…Good competitor, it’s still unbelievable that he was allowed to hit Michael Barrett on purpose and escape suspension just two weeks after Carlos Zambrano got five days for smoking Lassie…Looked good on three day’s rest against Atlanta, though he threw too many pitches early. He’ll have to do well on three days in the LCS if Houston has any shot.

Satanic Fowl: Woody Williams — Got absolutely lit up by the Astros in three starts this year, including a 9.00 ERA and 24 hits allowed in only 15 innings…Last faced them on September 27 and gave up ten hits and eight runs in three innings…Doesn’t throw hard anymore and cut fastball has lost most of its bite…His deal with the devil has expired and he’s back to being the guy in San Diego who got lit up…Still has good control, though only managed 131 strikeouts in 158 innings…Posted a respectable 4.18 ERA even though hitters batted .268 against him…Can hit, and is not a bad fielder…Has creepy red goatee that makes him look like Tim Busfield…Has to outpitch Backe tonight to keep pressure off the Cardinals, though it’s likely both will get hit hard.

Jason Marquis — Has a brother named Biz…Won 15 games despite having hitters bat .275 against him…Has good fastball, but not a big strikeout pitcher…Only lasted three and a third in his lone LDS appearance…Control is still an issue, and he struggles when pitching out of the stretch…Is a good athlete with decent speed and is a good fielder…Bobby Cox grew so impatient with him that he very likely drove him to the airport to facilitate the trade with St. Louis…

Matt Morris — Onetime stud pitcher who is now a home run machine for opponents…How can the Cardinals start him at Minute Maid Park? To save money on replacement windows, Houston better leave the roof open…His fastball is still hard at 94-96 but it’s straight now…He will often times start games throwing exclusively fastballs, and will later on mix in his curve. Nobody’s sure why he does that because it’s dumb and hasn’t been working…Throws both two and four seam fastballs, though his four seamer does not move as much as the two-seamer does. If he leaves the four seamer up, you’ll know it because you’ll see fans fighting over it in the bleachers…Gave up 35 homers in 32 starts. That tied him with Greg Maddux. That’s not good for either guy…Made $12.5 million last year…and got outpitched by Jason Marquis…He’s a decent hitter for a hunchback.

Jeff Suppan — There’s no good reason why Jeff Suppan should be in anybody’s postseason rotation…He has no chance against Houston, especially at Minute Maid…He started five times against the Astros this year and lost four of them. Houston hit .306 against him and he allowed 38 hits and 19 runs in 30 innings against the ‘Stros…He’s a control pitcher who needs to spot his changeup to have any chance…He did pitch well against the Dodgers in game four, allowing only two hits in seven innings, but the Dodgers had that big fork sticking out of them.

Bullpens

Astros: Brad Qualls, Russ Springer, Dan Miceli, Mike Gallo, Chad Harville, Dan Wheeler, Brad Lidge

This is not a very good bullpen. Qualls, Harville and Wheeler are almost completely useless. Miceli has his moments and Lidge is unstoppable. Expect Lidge to post at least one appearance in the NLCS where he has to go three innings for a save…Springer nearly cost them the NLDS by not knowing how to unintentionally, intentionally walk JD Drew…Houston’s bullpen will be tested in the first two games, especially in game two, in which it seems unlikely that Munro will make it through the third inning without having to stop, drop and roll.

Satanic Fowl: Ray King, Steve Kline, Kiko Calero, Julian Tavarez, Dan Haren, Cal Eldred, Jason Isringhausen

The Cardinals bullpen has been good all year, though all of them have high milage thanks to The Genius…King and Kline give them a pair of power lefties, though Kline’s postseason career includes throwing the series-losing pitch the last two times the Cardinals have gotten into the playoffs…King is obese…Calero has good arm and a stripper’s name…Tavarez is nuts, wears a dirty hat and cannot be trusted with a lead…Haren pitched well against the Astros in a September start, and is one of the ugliest guys you’ll ever see. His haircut is so bad, even Sergio Mitre can laugh at him…Eldred is completely toast…Isringhausen is far from automatic and not in Lidge’s class.

Manager

Astros: Phil Garner — How much confidence can you have in a guy who looks like Yosemite Sam? Even Josh Lewin was able to openly mock his mustache. Garner did some puzzling things in the NLDS and has a long track record of suspect moves at his previous stops in Milwaukee and Detroit…The Astros did go 36-10 under him to finish the season, so that’s something…He does not give away outs like Jimy Williams did, and unlike his opponent in this series, does not have to pretend he’s reinventing the game…However, he is simply not a very good in-game manager.

Satanic Fowl: The Genius — Obnoxious, smug and a general pain in the ass, LaRussa’s teams tend to underachieve badly in the postseason…He’s got it all set up this year. He has a 105 win team, they’re playing a weak pitching opponent who had to use its two best guys on short rest just to get to the series and he’s got a tremendous offense…But LaRussa won’t let his guys breathe…The postseason is when The Genius thinks he needs to be proving how smart he is. Expect at least one inning where the Cardinals use four pitchers to get three outs…Expect him double switching just to prove he knows how…Expect him to piss and moan about every call that goes against the Cardinals…He could make this easy…but he won’t.

Ex-Cubs Factor

Astros: Jose Vizcaino — That’s it. Just one. We feel like The Beege is a former Cub because our former announcer loved him so openly, but it’s just Jose. Of course, he’s playing shortstop, so he’ll have lots of chances to screw this up.

Satanic Fowl: Tony Womack, Ray King, Julian Tavarez Two important parts of their bullpen are ex-Cubs and that can’t be good, and their leadoff guy wore the Cubs colors last year and when he goes into the tank, bad things will happen.