You know them, you love them, you can’t start a season without them. We reassembled our flock of crack NBA scouts so that you, the home reader can enjoy insight and antecdotes about your favorite NBA players.

These guys know everything. They can give you the 411 on everything from Toni Kukoc’s chronic soap allergies to what the secret ingredient in Chris Andersen’s mother’s banana nut muffins is. (Hint, it rhymes with manbama).

The NBA is now broken into six five team divisions, which, according to our math means there are 30 teams. Not only are the Hornets not in Charlotte anymore (you knew that) but they aren’t even in the Eastern Conference anymore (you probably forgot that). And, the Bulls can’t finish eighth anymore. So that’s progress.

Eastern Conference
Atlantic Division

Philadelphia 76ers— The Sixers have replaced a guy who can only make jump shots (Glenn Robinson) with a guy who can do everything but make jump shots (rookie Andre Iguodala). This, apparently, is progress…Allen Iverson says his Olympic experience has humbled him and he now knows the true value of practice. He knows that the US Olympic team practiced a lot, and didn’t win. He’s still committed to showing up early for games though…like 15 minutes before they start…Jim O’Brien is their new head coach. He reminds me a lot of former Sixer boss Jim Lynam, only O’Brien doesn’t have a daughter with a face like a burnt pizza…Hey, remember that time that Dr. J went behind the basket and swooped around to make that layup against the Lakers? That was cool…I remember when Kevin Ollie was so bad he couldn’t play for the Bulls, now he’s in the mix for the starting point guard spot? That says a lot about the Sixers…The roster says Kenny Thomas was born in ’77. I’m guessing that was 1877…Kyle Korver amazes me. How can a guy shoot like that with bangs that would make Mary McCormack’s West Wing character blush?…Samuel Dalembert is the Haitian Brad Sellers.

New York Knicks— Isiah Thomas says he wants this team to feel the pulse of New York. He wants them to eat in the restaurants, drink at the bars, take the subway to games and get New York venereal diseases from New York hookers…I’d just as soon they learn what New York’s all about by bitch slapping Stacy Rotner…The rumor is that James Dolan forced Marv Albert out because Marv kept saying nice things about the Knicks opponents and refused to take Dolan’s phone calls during games. But I’m pretty sure this has to be Dusty Baker’s fault…By the way, Isiah might want to leave the “drink at the bars” part of his speech out when Vin Baker and his AA sponsor are in the room…Jamal Crawford could score 25 points a night for the Knicks—provided they let him shoot 72 times a game…Stephon Marbury says he wants to help Isiah win a title. Come on, Steph, your trade value’s not that high…They have a shooting guard named Jamison Brewer…I thought Jamison Brewer was a Scotch…Just how much of a blow was it to Moochie Norris’ ego to have John Paxson say (at least 4,000 times) during the Crawford trade talks that “under no circumstance will we take Moochie Norris,”? When the Bulls won’t even take you, what does that say?…They have Trevor Ariza listed as a rookie out of UCLA. Who? What? Did Trevor Wilson and Hank Azaria have a baby?

New Jersey Nets— Their point guard has one knee (Jason Kidd) their center has one kidney (‘Zo Mourning) and their rookie big man has a history of skipping out early on his team’s seasons. This just smells like a title contender, doesn’t it?…Their head coach, Lawrence Frank, is 11 years old, and he’s impressed with the inspired play of Ron Mercer. I’ll pause while you try and imagine inspired play from Ron Mercer and then stop laughing…Who’s freakier looking Brian Scalabrine or Aaron Williams? They look like a love child created by Carrottop and Ken “The Animal” Bannister…If I was Richard Jefferson I’d have a big “countdown the free agency” clock installed in my house…If Jason Collins is the “good twin” it doesn’t say much for his brother, does it?

Toronto Raptors— Is it a bad sign that Vince Carter is already giving career impact longevity lectures to Chris Bosh?…They spent big bucks on Rafer Alston, which was foolish considering they already have the league’s best point guard in Milt Palacio…Has anybody ever seen Jerome Moiso and Samuel Dalembert in the same place at the same time?…Robert Archibald is on the roster. He’ll look good on their injured list all season…If Donyell Marshall, Jalen Rose and Roger Mason were good for 25 wins with the Bulls, what’s the exchange rate on that, 17 wins?…They have a forward named Pape Sow, which translates to paper pig in English…Remember what a huge draft day steal Loren Woods was going to be for the T’wolves? Yeah that was two years and two teams ago…Sam Mitchell is their new coach, aren’t Sidney Lowe and him the same guy?

Boston Celtics–Let’s play a game, I’ll name some old stiffs and you tell me if they are actually on the Celtics roster this year. Tom Gugliotta – Fred Roberts – Dana Barros – Connor Henry – Michael Stewart…That’s yes, no, yes, no, yes. Yeah, Dana Barros. No kidding…Danny Ainge traded Marcus Banks to the Lakers and then got him back. I’m sure that Marcus feels pretty wanted…Doc Rivers is the third string point guard on this team, and the coach…It’s obvious that few people in the NBA can speak French (other than Mikael Pietrus of course), because if they could nobody would want Raef LaFrentz, which translates to “Ray The Stiff.”…LaFrentz is like Brad Lohaus without the eerie resemblance to Rick Neuheisel…Gary Payton was so excited about the trade to Boston that he threatened to retire. That always fires up your new teammates…Red Auerbach is optimistic about the club this year, he’s had his trachea tube opening enlarged so he can smoke victory cigars through it.

Central Division

Cleveland Cavaliers— A lot of people are still angry that Carlos Boozer would skip out on them when he promised to re-sign, but have you ever been to Cleveland? I’d set myself on fire to get out of that town. Things really went downhill when they inducted Gene Pitney into the Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame…Drew Gooden couldn’t get his first NBA number 0, or his second one, 9, so he said he combined them and got his new number, 90. I’m pretty sure 9+0 is 9…Here’s a fun game, ring a bell and watch Alexander Pavlovic drool!…Cavs officials are very encouraged with DeSagana Diop. He did a sit up yesterday. He’s going to try and do two of them on Friday…LeBron James was actually better than advertised last year, and in the NBA Eastern Conference this year, LeBron and four guys form the 43rd Street Y could make the playoffs. And, that’s exactly what the Cavs are trying…Luke Jackson has the best hair of any Cavs player since Bingo Smith…I had breakfast with Zydrunas Ilgauskas one day and thought he had ordered Rice Krispies, but the ‘snap, crackle, and pop’ was actually coming from his feet…Jeff McInnis is a great guy to have on somebody else’s team…They have Robert Traylor listed at 284 pounds. Then, he put his right foot on the scale…

Indiana Pacers— They had the best team in the Eastern Conference and were one Ron Artest freak out away from beating the Pistons in the conference finals…I talked to a psychologist who claims that Artest isn’t crazy. He also testifies on behalf of Charles Manson in his yearly parole hearing…Reggie Miller broke a bone in his left hand and will miss six weeks. Why would that knock him out for that long, he hasn’t dribbled a basketball with it in five years…I’m always impressed with Austin Croshere’s combover…They traded Al Harrington for Stephen Jackson because they were thin at “disgruntled, selfish guy who can’t shoot”…Just what does Jeff Foster do, exactly, that keeps him employed? Does he was Donnie Walsh’s car?…Speaking of guys who can’t play, aren’t they done with the Jamal Tinsley experiment, yet?…It’s nice to see that Rick Carlisle kept his job after a 50 win season this time.

Chicago Bulls— They won six titles in the 90s, right? Did that even happen?…Scottie Pippen retired which means their last link to the glory days is Benny the Bull…John Paxson’s a good GM, and he’s spent two years now cleaning up Jerry Krause’s ample mess. You have to like his moves of drafting Kirk Hinrich, Luol Deng, Ben Gordon and getting Andres Nocioni…You have to figure that Othella Harrington’s mom was a big Shakespeare fan—and a lousy speller…Frank Williams told me that he loves being in Chicago because there’s no finer place to take a nap than the Berto Center…Tommy Smith is on the team? This Tommy Smith?

Jared Reiner made the club. He’s like Mark Madsen without the athleticsim…If Jannero Pargo was 6’4 he’d be a star. He’s not 6’4…Gordon’s going to be a great pro, but he didn’t shoot well in the preseason and played defense like he was chasing a puppy not a guy with the ball…Tyson Chandler could average 15 rebounds a night if he stays healthy. Of course, that’s like saying that Vladimir Lenin would be in charge of Russia if he’d stayed healthy…Chris Duhon beat out three guys with guaranteed contracts to make this team. That’s impressive on any level…Luol Deng has a cool accent…It’s true that their head coach looks just like Phil Collins, but I’ve talked to both Collins and Scott Skiles, and nobody can swear like Scott Skiles.

Milwaukee Bucks— They won 41 games last year and I’m not sure, but I think this was their starting lineup: Jack Sikma, Craig Hodges, Toni Kukoc, Paul Pressey and Ricky Pierce…TJ Ford proved a lot of guys wrong. Oh, he can’t shoot, but he is fast enough to be productive in the league…Michael Redd pretty much rendered Ray Allen redundant…I had a friend who smoked a lot of pot and his house always smelled like Zaza Pachulia…Daniel Santiago just might be the ugliest player in the league, and that’s saying something with Jerome Williams out there…Don’t you think Kevin McHale looks at Joe Smith and thinks, “Holy crap, I really almost lost my job because I wanted HIM so bad?”…If the NBA settled ties with a dunk contest, the Bucks would actually have a use for Desmond Mason…Dan Gadzuric runs like an ostrich…In Milwaukee, Keith Van Horn is just another gangly white dork.

Detroit Pistons— Sure they won the NBA title, but they didn’t have any cool stuff like a rape trial, a coach who wrote a tell-all-book or a Hall of Fame center to trade, so nobody paid any attention to them about 20 minutes after the Finals ended…Their coach did manage to find a way to lose an Olympic basketball game to a commonwealth of our own country, though…Chauncey Billups is Rick Pitino’s best draft choice and he lasted what, 50 games under the Ricktator?…Ben Wallace is Dennis Rodman without the psychosis…Rasheed Wallace acted like a grown up for most of his time with the Pistons last year, you just know he’s going to go goofy early and often this year…Just how bad can Darko be? Very bad, apparently…I’m a big Carlos Delfino fan, but then again, I’m the same guy who thought having a maroon Taurus with a moonroof was going to get me laid…Smush Parker made the team. How can you not love a guy named Smush?…Ronald DuPree was given a roster spot, but he had to promise Larry Brown that he would “never, ever, under no circumstances, shoot the ball, ever.”…Elden Campbell is so old he played with Magic Johnson before Magic had to monitor his t-cells…Horace Jenkins sounds like somebody in the witness protection program. I’ll be he went to Baylor…They added Derrick Coleman because some of the younger guys need rides home from practice…There’s an Eldridge Recasner joke there someplace…I thought Lindsey Hunter was a girl, and man was he mad about that on our date.

Southeast Division
I like Auburn’s chances in this one.

Miami Heat— They need a center. It’s too bad the Lakers aren’t dumb enough to…hey, wait…I know that the Heat gave up a really good player in Lamar Odom, but I think that Dwyane Wade and Shaq could win the East by themselves. Two on five, those aren’t bad odds…I saw Christian Laetter playing for them in a preseason game and he looked like they were going to need a skateboard and a rope to get him up and down the court…I went to China on a scouting trip one time and got the Wang Zhi-Zhi. It burns like you wouldn’t believe…I know we compare every white guy over 6’10 who is afraid of contact to Brad Lohaus, but I’m telling you, Matt Freije reminds me more of Matt Bullard…I once saw Michael Doleac jump over a phone book. It was the Monroe, Wisconsin phonebook. He’d have had a hard time if it was a big one like the Fox River Grove edition…Stan Van Gundy likes having Keyon Dooling on his team because he thinks it’s funny to yell, “What is Keyon Dooling!” Stan’s easily amused…The Heat have had two porn star look-a-likes as head coaches. Pat Riley looks like Peter North and Van Gundy looks like Ron Jeremy. I’m hoping for a Jenna Jameson look-a-like next time…Eddie Jones has just never been that good, has he? Is it just me?

Orlando Magic— I know Tracy McGrady was a pain in the ass, but at least he was a 6’8 pain in the ass, Steve Francis is a 5’9 pain the ass…They think Dwight Howard is going to be a great player for them. I think Topher Grace will win an Oscar someday. I’m not sure which one of us is more delusional…Mario Kasun just keeps rolling along…Tony Battie, Michael Bradley, Andrew DeClerq—it’s like a stiff convention over there…Pat Garrity amazes me. He hasn’t had a rebound since 1999 and he’s never in any danger of losing his job. Nice work if you can get it…Fila finally came out with a new Grant Hill model shoe, it comes with x-ray film so you can save yourself a little money at the orthopedist…Maybe they’re going to play with Steve Francis on Jameer Nelson’s shoulders?…Stacey Augmon has the NBA convinced he has embarrassing photos in a hot tub—but the photos aren’t of Russ Granik and David Stern, they are of Moses Scurry…DeShawn Stevenson will like it in Orlando, because the cops will always go after R. Kelly first.

Washington Wizards— Honestly, try and look at their roster and not laugh. You can’t do it…Their big offseason pickups were Antwan Jamison and Anthony Peeler. Jamison is fitting a valuable role at “undersized power forward” and Peeler is a key addition at “cranky old guy who shoots a lot”…Steve Blake looks like Bob Sura with an even bigger overbite—that has to hurt…I hear that Eddy Curry is just NUTS over Brendan Haywood…Kwame Brown just realized he has a left hand…Gilbert Arenas cashed out his big contract in $10s and he rolls around in it after practice. Never before has two-thirds of one season ever cashed in so big…Jarvis Hayes is this generation’s Harvey Grant…Laron Profit has never, ever been good…If they’re just going to bring back all the old Maryland Terrapins why not start with Gene Shue?…Larry Hughes is still “learning” the point. It didn’t take Helen Keller this long to “learn” to read.

Charlotte Bobcats— They named the team after their owner, Bob Johnson. I guess it’s a good thing his name wasn’t Dick…I’m not saying this team is bad, but they traded for Keith Bogans yesterday and their talent level went up…Steve Smith is going to be allowed to ride a 10-speed up and down the court during games…Emeka Okafor is already planning on throwing out his back on Thursday just to avoid playing with this mess…The average age of the team is 25 years. I had no idea s@#$ could get that old…Melvin Ely didn’t want to get traded from the Clippers, but hey, Charlotte’s still not as bad as Harvey…I don’t think we need to tell you how good Theron Smith is, do we? I didn’t think so…Cab Calloway loved Jahidi White…Jason Kapono and his headband are the only white things on this club…Wait, I forgot Primoz Brezec. Whatever that is…Bernie Bickerstaff says this team can’t be that bad. I said the same thing before I went to see “Just Married.” I was wrong, too.

Atlanta Hawks— Mike Woodson’s got some big shoes to fill. It’s not just any guy who can walk in and replace Lon Kruger and Terry Stotts…They reunited the old Georgia Tech backcourt of Kenny Anderson and Jon Barry. They might even make the NIT…Why not try and reunite Mark Price and John Salley?…I love it that an NBA player is named Boris…Al Harrington has taken Josh Smith under his wing. He’s showing him how to make a three foot jumper…Kevin Willis made the team. What, Greg Kelser wasn’t available?…Willis is in his 20th year in the NBA—Josh Smith isn’t in his 20th year of life…Pig Miller is back in the league. It’s worth having an NBA team in Atlanta just so Pig has a job…They made the seats in Philips Arena black so that when they were empty it wouldn’t be so noticable. Yeah, that’ll be put to the test this season.