The NFL season starts tonight and you didn’t think we’d forget, did you? We’ve reassembled our crack staff of scouts and they’ll give you a rundown of all 32 teams. We start in the American Football Conference (you know, the one that CBS televises–beware Jim Nantz and his hairpiece are headed to a stadium near you this year, while Greg Gumbel and his hairpiece are nailed down in New York).

It’s simple, we placed a few calls, got a few of the tastiest tidbits from our NFL insiders and we share them with you. All for the low-low price, of whatever you pay for your Internet connection…and whatever the brain cells we kill are worth.

Scouting Reports

AFC East
Buffalo Bills
They had two quarterbacks get injured in the preseason, so they signed Joe Ferguson and Jim Kelly to back up Drew Bledsoe. Actually, they’ll wish they did, they really signed Shane Matthews. Nothing says “complete despiration” like Shane Matthews…Willis McGahee threatened to demand a trade if he wasn’t named the starter. What ‘chu talking about Willis? How about you play in a regular season game before you actually start one? … Mike Mularkey is their head coach. What, Jay Saldi wasn’t available? … They only scored 243 points in 16 games last year. If you do the math that means their offense sucked…They drafted Lee Evans from Wisconsin because he was the “best broken legged athlete available”…Coy Wire will get plenty of face-time on the highlights this year—or actually, it’ll be “back-time” because you’ll see him futilely chasing guys on their way to the end zone.

Miami Dolphins
What’s a bigger disaster? Three consecutive hurricanes slamming into your city or having Dave Wannstedt run your team? I’d say Hurricane Wanny did more damage than Charley, Frances and Ivan…Ricky Williams decided he’d rather stay home and smoke weed than play for Wannstedt. There’s a vote of confidence…They traded for Marty Booker and Lamar Gordon to upgrade their offense. That kind of tells you how bad their offense was before…They wouldn’t re-sign Adawale Ogunleye because if they’d given him a raise they’d have to give a similar raise to Jason Taylor. To that I say, “So?”…Trying to decide between Jay Fiedler and AJ Feeley is like trying to decide between syphillis and gonorrhea. There’s going to be a lot of painful puss in either one…Wasn’t Olindo Mare a Dean Martin song?…Booker’s a good receiver, assuming you never want to gain more than nine yards at a time…I liked Gordon better when he was a guard on those great Louisville Cardinals hoops teams. Oh, wait, that was Lancaster Gordon…Junior Seau’s still a great leader. Remember this speech he gave when he got a team humanitarian award this June? “This is a great group of guys we have on this team. … I would say love and everybody would say you’re a faggot, but I’m not. We care in that locker room. My feminine side might come out once in a while, but I’m telling you, there is a lot of love in that locker room.”

New England Patriots
I wasn’t sold on their ability to win another Super Bowl until they signed Jim Miller. Nobody can hold a clipboard like he can…The only thing they lacked last year was a stud running back, so this year they added Corey Dillon. He brings a lot of things to the table. He’s fast, he’s a proven productive runner and if he thinks he’s not getting enough carries he’ll bitch and moan with world class annoyance ability…David Givens is proof that Bob Davie can’t completely screw up a talented player…Tom Brady’s impressive on the field, but how about off it? He’s banged Tara Reid and Bridget Moynahan in the last 12 months? That’s worth a Disney commercial right there…


…Bill Belichick wears hoodies on the sidelines. Can you be a tough football coach in a hoodie?…They dumped Ted Washington and signed Keith Traylor. Is there some kind of rule that you have to replace Ted with Keith?…That Adam Viniateri guy, he’s kind of clutch.

New York Jets
Herm Edwards might be my favorite coach–not because he’s any damn good, but because he’s funny…Chad Pennington’s lack of arm strength is always a concern, but not as much this year because he doesn’t have anybody to throw it to anyway…How old is Curtis Martin—1,000?…They brought Quincy Carter in because they were thin at “clipboard holding pot smoker”…They tried to sign Ricky Williams for that job, but he didn’t want to be weighted down with the clipboard…LaMont Jordan hasn’t been the same since his mother, Elisabeth, passed on and left him and his dad to run the junk yard…My wife just planted some Santana Moss along the side of the garage, it’s pretty lush…I thought Jonathan Vilma was the best defensive player in last year’s draft, but what do I know, I trusted Roger Ebert when he recommended Garfield: The Movie…Their punter is Toby Gowin, if you have a guy named Toby, you cannot win the Super Bowl.

AFC North
Cincinnati Bengals
Bonnie Bernstein must love covering the Bengals sidelines, they have more Johnsons than any other team in the world. Rudy (running back), Chad (wide receiver), Jeremi (full back), Landon Johnson (linebacker.) Bonnie’s still trying to live down her “Wow, two Dicks!” comment from the 2001 Bears-Jaguars game…Marvin Lewis is a good coach, and he proved it by taking this perennial losing wad of feces and turning into a near playoff team. If he gets them into the playoffs this year, they ought to bronze him and send him to Canton…I like that he made the move to Carson Palmer this year. You could tell Jon Kitna was having one of those “Holy crap, who is this guy” years last year. Most coaches stick with a career-year guy, too long. Just ask Dick Jauron he had six of them on the 2001 Bears, he stuck with them, he’s not around for the 2004 Bears…Chad Johnson’s a dominant player and he’s just as annoying as his assbag of a cousin, Keyshawn…They only have two guys on that defense anybody’s ever heard of, Kevin Hardy (washed up) and Deltha O’Neal (fly the friendly skies…throw at Deltha) and those two aren’t even in the top tier of their players…Dumping Neil Rackers might be worth two wins all by itself.

Cleveland Browns
Speaking of assbags, we give you the biggest this side of TO–Kellen Winslow, Jr…He’s almost freakishly talented, but he just might get shanked in his own locker room–never a good sign…I’ve been a big fan of Jeff Garcia for a while now—I have a soft spot in my heart for guys who have that natural, “I look like a big skin graft” look. He’s not a bad quarterback, but he’s not Bernie Kosar, either. And yes, that’s a slam…William Green needs his own wing in the crazy hall of fame. Word is that his “stabbing” incident from last year came when his girlfriend found out he’d been messing around with former teammate Kevin Johnson’s wife. The Browns cut Johnson, and she cut William…I’m not making that up…Ebenezer Ekuban can’t figure out why his teammates don’t invite him to their Christmas parties…Whatever happened to Courtney Brown?…Did you notice that Butch Davis cut down on that creepy “when I get nervous I stick my index fingernail between my front teeth” pose last year. It’s because it’s impossible to do that and stick your thumb up your ass at the same time…Decisions, decisions…Isn’t linebacker Ben Taylor the lovechild of James Taylor and Carly Simon? Oh wait, wrong Ben Taylor. Surprisingly, JT and Carly’s kid can sing. OK, that’s not so surprising. I’m now singing “Island” to myself. I’ll get over it…Just when you thought you’d seen every possible way to spell Sean (Sean, Shawn, Shaun, Shawon, Chone, etc.) there’s Chaun. Whatever.

Pissburgh Steelers
They’re going with two quarterbacks, Tommy Maddox and Ben Roethlisberger because they’ve got Antwan Randle-El as their emergency guy. If you’re stuck using that dwarf at quarterback it’s not an emergency, it’s a football apocalypse…Maddox is bad. He’s just not good at playing football…Roethlisberger is unstoppable on ESPN NFL 2K5. I’m just saying…Who came up with the name Plaxico? It sounds like a gas station. (singing)We are the men of Plaxico, we work from Maine to Mexico, there is no other…(/singing)…Hines Ward’s a tough guy and I like their receivers, but Chris Doering still has a job? What, Tom Waddle’s not available? I thought Ricky Proehl was the old, token, white wide reciever in the NFL…I like to say Kimo von Oehlhoffen. I’m saying it right now…I also like to say Chukky Okobi and Chidi Iwuoma. If they still had Chris Fuamatu-Ma’alafala, I’d be set…Can this team make the playoffs? In the strictest sense, yes. In reality, no freakin’ way.

Baltimore Ravens
Do I remember right or is this Ray Lewis not the guy who got charged in a murder at the Super Bowl in Atlanta and then ratted out his buddies to save his ass? No, that is him? Huh, it’s amazing that suddenly he’s the media’s darling. I guess Kobe’s got a shot…Don’t get me wrong, Lewis is a stud, and he makes a funny commercial, but OJ used to fly through airports and nobody’s forgiving him for turning Nicole and Ron into Pez dispensers…Deion’s back? What’s the over under on the cheap shot that puts him back into the TV booth–week three? I’ll take that action…The image you’ll take from Deion’s return will either be a season ending muscle pull or countless shots of him running away from potential tackles…Kyle Boller? Really. And they think they’re going to a Super Bowl? Kyle Boller makes Trent Dilfer look like Johnny Unitas…Remember the time Willie McGee won the NL batting title after getting traded out of the league to the A’s? It’s possible that Jamal Lewis could win the rushing title this year from a maximum security prison cell…Their wide receiver corps makes the Bears’ look like the mid-80’s San Diego Chargers by comparison. In fact, I’ll bet Charlie Joiner could start for the Ravens–right now…If a coach ever deserved to get impaled on a falling goal post during a post game celebration it’s Brian Billick…Can you imagine what it was like on the Vikings when Dennis Green was the coach and Billick was the offensive coordinator? On the overbearing scale that’s somewhere between Mariotti and Bayless. In other words, it’s up there.

AFC Central
Tennessee Titans
Jeff Fisher is daring the gods by trimming up his mullet. Let’s hope the Samson thing doesn’t come back to get him. It’s not completely gone, though. His hairdo is like herpes, you’re never quite sure when it’ll come back…Here’s how good Steve McNair is, he once played in a playoff game with 114 different broken bones. Now that’s tough…I think we all know how good his backup, Billy Volek is—right? Do we?…Chris Brown is very versatile. He’s a hard running half back and he used to play third base for the Giants and Padres—where he was most famous for once missing a game with a strained eyelid. You’ve come a long way, Chris…That Tyrone Calico—he’s quick as a cat. Man, that was lame enough that I’ll bet Chip Caray and Alex Kaseberg would arm wrestle over who would get to use it first…My money’s on Kaseberg, Caray’s limp wrists do not equip him well for sports of leverage…I loved Ben Troupe when he was at Florida. I used to go to him all the time in my NCAA Football 2004 dynasty. They should make him their third WR like I did. R2 then X, works every time…If you can get WR Eddie Berlin to sing his hit “Take My Breath Away” you’re a better man than I…Joe Nedney missed almost all of last year with a bad knee and now he’s hurt again, which means they’re going to sign the human bobblehead–Gary Anderson, again.

Indianapolis Colts
Peyton Manning’s a great quarterback, but that dumbassed offense where he changes every call at the line is just annoying…Edgerrin James wants to go play in Miami. If I was the Colts I’d have traded him for Ogunleye. The Edge has too many miles on him…Marvin Harrison’s amazing for two reasons, number one he catches about 800 passes a year, number two he always hits the deck to avoid actually getting tackled, and yet nobody calls him a puss…Ryan Diem went to one of the most reknowned academic institutions in the world, no wonder he’s such a heady player…I want to party with Tony Dungy–woo!…Dungy’s trying to shake his label as a defense only coach—by not having his team play any…Wait, I think the Patriots just forced another turnover…They have a tackle named Makoa Freitas. I had the Makoa Freitas at Don Pablos’ Mexican Kitchen once, they were excellent…They might have the two best kickers in football…That and 50 cents will get you a USA Today…Just why exactly does Indianapolis have an NFL team and LA doesn’t? Then again, the Irsays are trying to rectify that.

Jacksonville Jaguars
If you’ve been watching Inside Training Camp with the Jaguars on NFL Network (and judging by the ratings, you haven’t) you’ll know two things. One, Jack Del Rio’s daughter is smokin’ hot, and two they removed that weird tree stump they had in their locker room last year. You remember it, the punter, Chris Hanson put himself out for the season by whacking at it with an axe, missing and taking a hunk out of his leg…

This photo of her doesn’t do her justice. Trust us. There’s no fat on her.
…
Are the Jags the first NFL team to have three black quarterbacks on it (Byron Leftwich, David Garrard, Quin Gray)?–There’s nothing wrong with it, especially since Leftwich and Garrard are studs, we’re just wondering…Has Troy Edwards now played on every AFC team?…If Fred Taylor stays healthy, this offense could be good—yeah, I can’t even type that with a straight face…Todd Yoder, underrated tight end is he—there is no try only do or do not…It seems like the Jags were the only team in the NFL that didn’t know Ephraim Salaam never actually blocks anybody—they know it now.

Houston Texans
You’ve got to give Dom Capers credit, there aren’t a lot of people who could pull off the wispy comb over look that he’s got—then again, he’s not really pulling it off either…I’d like the Texans more if I thought their offensive line could block somebody—anybody…David Carr and his dad have gone almost a full year without a haircut—they’re waiting until the Texans win two games in a row—I hope David’s dad likes Willie Nelson because this time next year he might look just like him…The Texans have Desipio’s favorite player Moran Norris…Tony Banks is still in the league. Really? Just who does he have Polaroids of, anyway?…You have to admit, losing the Oilers to Tennessee might have been worth it in the long run, Houston has much cooler uniforms and a better stadium than they used to…They finally gave up on James Allen. Allen’s best remembered in Chicago for having his own coach mock his ability AFTER HE RAN FOR 200 YARDS against the RAVENS, and for that tumbling deflected catch against the Browns—he’ll be best remembered in Houston as “that guy who stunk.”…Doesn’t Corey Bradford sound like one of the sorority girls from Animal House? Babs Jansen, Mandy Pepperidge and Corey Bradford? OK, maybe not…

“Have a brew…don’t cost nuthin’!”
…I like their wide receivers better than most of the established teams in the NFL. Then again, that’s not saying much.

AFC West
Kansas City Chiefs
Dick Vermeil’s so excited about this season, he’s crying—again…If Guenther Cunningham is the answer what was the question—“How can we make a bad defense worse?”…Trent Green looks a lot like Tim Matheson
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Remember when Dante Hall complained to John Madden that he wasn’t fast enough in Madden 2004?…This just in, Tony Gonzalez is pretty good…Priest Holmes played part of last year before his broken hip fully healed—he only scored 26 touchdowns—yikes…Eddie Kennsion—are you s@#$ting me?…On the plus side, Kennison hasn’t retired for like two years now…The most recognizable face on their defense is Vonnie Holliday—that’s a bad sign…Arrowhead Stadium is cool, too bad it’s surrounded by Missouri…The last two times the Chiefs went 13-3 they lost in the first round of the playoffs—my suggestion is to not go 13-3 again.

Denver Broncos
Jake Plummer is back to lead the Broncos! To where—9-7?…Matt Mauck is the third string quarterback, though he almost got cut in the final cutdown to 53. He’s a 47 year old rookie out of LSU…Mike Anderson got hurt in August, on a punt, with less than two minutes left in a preseason game–he should be able to sue Mike Shanahan for that…Does anybody know what is up with Shanahan’s wandering eye? You half expect Orcs to march out from under it. It’s creepy…I loved Tatum Bell in “The Bad News Bears”, nobody else could have played Amanda Wurlitzer. Why did she ever marry John McEnroe? Ick…Ruben Droughns sounds like a Star Wars character…I don’t disagree with them trading Champ Bailey for Clinton Portis, the Broncs churn out halfbacks like Vivid Video churns out dumb hotties who like to take it in the face…Was that last part out loud?

Oakland Raiders
Norv Turner? Huh? Wasn’t it Tom Flores’ turn again?…Jerry Rice is still productive at 41? You don’t suppose Balco is on his drive home, do you? Shhhh…The Raiders have made picking up washed up players an art form, the newest exhibit–whatever’s left of Warren Sapp and Ted Washington. That’s a lot of fat non-production there. I stood next to Ted after a wind sprint one day and he sounded like John Goodman halfway up a flight of stairs. He sucked the air out of the entire county…Ronald Curry? The washout UNC hoopster/quarterback? They’d be better off with Dante Calabria…Whatever happened to Rusty LaRue, anyway…Chris Cooper plays tackle for them? I loved him in “October Sky” and “Lone Star.” Speaking of Lone Star, how strange was it that at the end they find out they’re really brother and sister, but since she can’t have kids, they don’t care and just keep having sex? Am I the only one disturbed by that? Sure she was hot, but come on. Ewww…Their best running backs are Famous Amos Zeroue and Huggy Bear’s kid–Justin Fargas–woof…This team was in the Super Bowl two years ago? Really? You don’t say?

San Diego Chargers
Wait, San Diego still has a team? They have uniforms and everything?…Just like every other year, why don’t the Chargers change their uniforms to the white helmets with the numbers and bolts and the powder blue uniforms? Those things are sweet…LaDanian Tomlinson is great, but man, there’s nothing else, is there?…I have questions about Drew Brees’ intellect. He has a hairy mole on his cheek, and he shaves around it every day? Why not shave the hair off the mole, too, Drew? Is it that much to ask? You don’t need to look like Lemmy Kilmeister—for chrissakes, Lemmy doesn’t want to look like Lemmy…The Chargers kept four quarterbacks (Brees, Philip Rivers, Doug Flutie, Cleo Lemon)—why? Unless they’re going to trade Flutie to the Bills, what the hell do you need Cleo Lemon for? Is he Chet’s kid? Do the Padres need him in center?—They have a wide receiver named Wesley Welker—you just know Marty Schottenheimer thinks it’s the old one-eyed Jet…You know your franchise has hit hard times when you pine for the days of Stan Humphries…They have a guy named Igor Olshansky—why do I think his real name is Gary Oliver and he’s hiding from the law?