Pitching matchup:
Padres: Jake Peavy, 13-7, 2.88 ERA
Satan’s Minions: Karen Carpenter, 21-5, 2.83 ERA
Lineups
Padres (82-80)
Dave “People in Boston have tossed off to a photo of me stealing second base” Roberts, cf
Ryan “I miss my stanizol” Klesko, lf
Mark “Jim Hendry tried to trade for me and got E-ramis instead” Loretta, 2b
Brian “Sure, I’d listen if the Cubs called” Giles, rf
Mark Sweeney, 1b (Not to be confused with Mike, the only rich Royal)
Ramon Hernandez, c (I’m good, but my hair is awful)
Khalil Green, ss (See Ramon.)
Joe “Somebody wipe this weird smirk off my face” Randa, 3b
Jake Peavy, p
Satanic Fowl (100-62)
The Dwarf, ss
Lassie, cf (Why is he batting second? Is this right?)
Generalissimo Albertito Pujols, 1b
Larry “No corpses on my property in over 300 days” Walker, rf
Reggie “Did you hear that snap? Probably my leg.” Sanders, lf
Mark Grklddsdaliojsdanek, ss
Abe Nunez, 3b
Yadier Molina, c (The ugliest Molina, and that’s saying something.)
Karen Carpenter, p
Jeesh, where is everybody? You’d think somebody forgot to turn the comments on or something.
Oops.
Lassie is batting second because I want to bat the decrepit Larry Walker cleanup. When we win with this lineup, everyone will appreiciate my genius at last!
Anyone wanna play some golf?
Sure Greggie.
Is it just me or is the color of the Padres road uniforms the same color the cat litter turns when pee hits it?
I remember one sunny day pitching in the NLDS for the Cardinals. I think there are still dents in the backstop from my performance.
Carpenter’s throwing a lot of pitches in the first.
We’re booing a pitch that was two feet inside.
My favorite moment of the weekend?
Tony LaRussa’s mock indignation when he was asked if he thought the fans were going to boo McGwire on Friday night. He even hit the wall with a bat.
And of course, the Cardinals’ fans didn’t boo. They all looked at the 180 pound McGwire and pretended the obvious wasn’t true. Much like they do when they hold a toothbrush up to what’s left of their gums.
The Padres have never won a playoff series in a season that the Cubs did not also make the playoffs.
“Carpenter needs his curveball to be able to feel comfortable on the mound.”
And to, you know, get people out.
Full counts are fun!
Hi guys, I’m here urinating off the dugout and I talked to…
I’m in the dugout, looking very much like I may have just pooped my pants.
Brian Giles has a .423 on base average? We don’t need that, dude.
Karen’s luck is about to run out
I just said that good hitters walk trying to hit not walk trying to walk. I need an ESL class.
I love the Cardinals!
What you meant to say was we love the Cardinals
That was a scrappy flyout!
My boyfriend is in the crowd, I gotta impress him!
I’m a genius. Edmonds homers in front of Pujols instead of doing after Albert’s on.
UUhngg!!
That felt wicked bettah!!
We love you, Dave Roberts!
(um, this is really the Sloth, in case you didn’t know)
For a guy with a sore shoulder Edmond sure pack a mean donkey punch!
Nice job of Karen covering first there. The Chip Caray Gold Glove winner couldn’t beat the speedy Mark Sweeney to the bag.
Actually, on the replay it looked like Carpenter would have easily beaten Sweeney if Albert had thrown him the ball. Instead, Albert took it and a bad call cost the Cardinals a hit.
E-dwarf. First and second, nobody out.
There’s plenty of room in the old ball yard if some of you Cardinal fans want to make the trip.
Abe Nunez reminds me of a very tan me.
Hey cards fans, you better get ready, we show no quarter at our house.
You know who never drops by the booth any more? Mel Carnahan. I wonder what that old bastard is up to?
I live for this.
Well, this and the feeling of throbbing foreskin on the roof of my mouth. But pretty much this.
You want me to talk about Edmonds’ homer last inning? I just want to look forward. I’m really just trying to be positive about the future.
I am Mr. October, bitches.
A Mr. Edmonds left me a message telling me he was interested in my services as an analrapist.
After explaining that leg injuries have slowed Roberts to the point where he can’t steal.
I think if you’re Dave Roberts you have to steal bases, even if it means you tear your legs and all their muscles to shreds and die in a puddle of blood between first and second base.
It’s on this weekend bitches!
My name and Tobias’ combining analyst and therapist that way are two of the funniest all-time moments in an all-time funny show.
Tobias: Here Buster, take my card.
Buster: Ewww!
Tobias: It’s not as bad as it sounds.
While everyone is in here, I need help from you guys. I am planning on going to be a White Sox fan for Halloween and I need suggestions on how to go about it. I am already buying a mullet wig, growing out my facial hair and wearing a wife beater. Any other suggestions?
The Padres keep clogging those bases, dude. Not a smart way to play. Strikeouts and one run homers is the way to go. Just like the Cardinals. See, they’re winning.
Manny Alexander is on the Padres’ 40-man roster. No, really, he is. And he pinch ran in a game last week. It’s the only thing he did all day. He’s on first and the batter bunts. Manny jogs to second, gets thrown out by 10 feet because he didn’t expect there to be a throw and argues and nearly gets thrown out of the game. It was a FORCE PLAY and he argued he never got tagged.
Good to see the dumbest man in baseball history is still that way.
Dustbag, we welcome you with open arms.
I would make any White Sox costume complete.
I need a job. How about I become Dusty’s bench coach. I’m nearly as smart as Dick Pole.
Just dress like a winner, since that’s what we are.
Chris “karen” Carpenter is really “dealing” today.
I’ve been told I cannot drink my Jack Daniels during practice. I’m just saying that it worked for Brett Favre all those years, why wouldnt it work for me?
I thought I was still stuck in Oklahoma City?
I LOVE VICODIN!!!!
We hate scoring runs…hate it.
I love Oxycodone!
Even I would look better playing that ball
We’re in trouble.
Try not clogging the bases. Wait til we get our hands on Brian Giles. .260/30/75/.345 OBP is in the realm of possibility
Does anybody think that if you gave the Padres 17 innings that they could score three runs?
Hey 54, that’s an upgrade over me!
“Jake, did you poop your pants?, Bochy wanted me to check.”
Kerry Wood is my idol.
34 pitches through 2.1 IP, thanks for the advice Mark!
I’m listening to the game in my office and Luis Gonzalez is doing the color commentary. Ugh.
Now that I got my 3 yr contract, I can begin to take it easy just like everyone else in the clubhouse! Its going to be fun!
“The greatest fans in baseball, meet the baddest fans in baseball”
That was a good 0-2 pitch there.
Anyone seen my wheels? I think they fell off.
No, that would be “most sychophantic fans in baseball meet the dumbest fans in baseball.”
We clearly, have arrived. We know we belong here.
Come see us at the concert in the park in San Diego. No use showing up for the Padres game – – ugh! Give us all your lovin’, all your hugs and kisses too!
Today is crowbar day at the old park. The first 10,000 fans along right first baseline get a free crowbar and a 6 pack!
October is now called me. They won’t even lose a game.
Wouldn’t a Cards-Sox World Series mean increased production out of us?
Hey Jake, I’ll show you how to really poop your pants.
I am the preferred style of cumcatcher for cardinal players.
I hope we get into the World Series along with the Angels so I can pick a fight with my brothers.. Remember when I did that with Manny Ramirez? That was cool..
I also catch the dribbles on Desipio’s own KD (a Cards fan, no lessâ€â€coincidence? I think not).
What’s worse, Khalil Green’s wild uppercut swing or the fact that when he does it the ESPN camera guy pulls back like it’s a home run only to watch a Cardinals’ outfielder catch it 100 feet in front of the wall? Discuss.
I have a really cool upper cut swing too..
I think my upper cut swing is by far the best.
If the camera work is as bad as you say, I hope that guy doesn’t do NFL games… He has to be a sucker for the play-action pass too. Besides, if you pan deep on lazy fly balls, at least you have time to recover… when you bite on the play-action, you almost certainly miss the play.
So my answer – Korey’s uppercut swing. By far the worst.
Happy New Year, everyone! I can’t believe it’s 5766.
I’ll be writing 5765 on my checks for weeks.
Chuk, you Chinese, too?
Yeah Chuck that’s nice, do I have to write that number on my child support checks?
Speaking of meth and Illinois, the Land of Lincoln is the last state in the Midwest without a law severely restricting/limiting the sale of pills containing pseudoephedrine, a key ingredient in the manufacturing of meth. As a result, crackers from surrounding states are flocking to Illinois to buy up the tablets.
I am dominant.
Chuck, in 10 days you can repent for stealing my material (although I think Moses was telling that joke)
Next time I escape from jail, I’m heading to Pekin! Thanks, Dave B for the tip!
Actually Dave, PA doesn’t have a very good law on that either… One is in the works though.
My song about the Cardinals fan base didn’t make my album because it would have needed a parental advisory label for explicit material.
I don’t know about a law, but if you buy Sudafed at a Walgreen’s in Illinois you have to sign your life away, and at Target they have it locked up in a case with the gun ammo and condoms. Which is pretty handy for me since I stock up on all three every weekend.
Hang on, Matt. The Little Girl’s birthday is in 2 weeks. She didn’t fall to far from your tree either.
Dave: I stole that joke from you in about 1992.
Who wrote Any’s last post? Sloth’s brother?
Blowing the Padres out at home in game one of a five game series is a sure fire way to win the series. No…wait…
It doesn’t matter, Andy and Dave: Most of the meth in the U.S. is manufactured in me, under Presidente Fox’s approving eyes.
What kind of a hack gives up a grand slam in his first postseason start? Really.
We prefer Menthamphetamine. Has a cool flavor.
Can we stop pretending we belong here?
Don’t forget those refills for the triple bladed razors, they’re locked up too.
Hey, Chuck, you’re URL is wrong for Ivy chat.
TY Bri.
I think Illinois has a law on the way, too. The thing about meth (and believe me, I see the wrath of the white man’s crack cocaine walking through the halls every day) is that making it more difficult to manufacture will stop a lot of use. Some of these clowns don’t have the ambition to go find somebody to buy it from. Nevertheless, there will still be biker gangs, etc. running it.
Hello Detroit!
I’m so glad Comissioner Selig mandated that there must be one of us in every inning
Who knew cramps were contagious?
Did the Soul Patch’s elbow blow?
What the hell mang. I’ll keel Carpenter, he steal my dehydration injury
It’s 8-0 and The Genius is going to use at least three pitchers in the seventh inning?
Jon Miller just called me EY didn’t he?
I would have burned out Sutcliffe, I mean, Carpenter this first game. That way, when we need him for the crucial series win, he’d be running on fumes.
Hi St. Louis. Just dropping in here to see who made up all your DK57 patches. I think we’ll need an “EC2” patch by January.
Worlds Greatest Gans stealing an idea.
World’s Greatest Gans, Chuck?
Why there’s only one:
Entertainer of the Century.
I think Bruce B. forgot he dosen’t have a expanded roster for this game. You guys remember Fick, maybe he will chop at Poo-holes like he did Karros.
Anybody have Nipsey Russell in the Dead Pool?
How was I circumsized?
My daddy kicked my sister in the jaw.
Gotta love using your closer with 2 outs to go in a game with a 6 run lead.
And more love to watch your closer shrink the lead.
Hey LaTroy, do you have any leftover depends?
Hey, great at bat, Ramon!
Not a real impressive performance by the Deadbird bullpen.