What, you don’t get ESPN? Watch the Red Sox and Yankees, already.
Anyway, today’s beat down is brought to you by the mother of all TV beatdowns.
Pitching matchup:
Satanic Fowl: Jason “Not So Grand” Marquis, 12-11, 5.71
Cubs: The Marmot, 5-5, 5.50
Lineups
Satan’s Folly
Kidney Hoarding Garden Gnome, ss
Mongoloid Duncan, lf
Grandpujols, 1b
One arm Scotty, 3b
Juan Incarceration, cf
Mookie’s semi-legitmiate son, rf (You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. Preston Wilson? Muahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.)
Fat Ronnie, 2b
Edgar Bennett, c
12 ER allowed today or bust, p
Cubs
Lucky, cf
Little Cesar, ss
Slugger, c
E-ramis, 3b
Jock, rf
Pags, lf
John Mayberry, 1b
Ron Ce, 2b
The Marmot, p
What the hell was that fight all about?
It’s a birthday dinner for Denis Leary’s character’s dad. Denis Leary looks under the table and sees his ex-wife holding his brother’s hand. His ex-wife is his ex-wife because a drunk driver hit their son and supposedly Denis Leary wasn’t “watching closely enough.” So, he asks his brother to take care of the wife and 2 remaining kids… and the brother and ex-wife fall in love. When he finds out at the dinner (accidentally, by looking under the table) he delivers the mother of all beatdowns, despite ten guys trying to separate them. Good times.
Great show, by the way. You should consider taking up watching it.
Thanks Morpheus.
Once again, I’m reminded why this is the only side I’ll ever need.
(if only they had porn on desipio….wait what am I talking about? between Mike C’s avitar and Forkserker’s Lohan clip, there’s plenty of porn here. Yes, only site I’ll ever need.)
Hey Dan,
I haven’t been around much over the past week… Did Fork post a new clip or are you referring to the original Forklift avatar?
1. Lucky Pete
2. Little Cesarian
3. Bear It
4. Aramirez
5. Jock
6. An-Hell Pagan
7. John Mayberry
8. Ron Ce
9. The Marmot
Morph,
I’m referring to the classic clip of Lindsey Lohan and her magical clapping breasts.
Lineups:
Evil Satanic Fowl
Midget Garden Gnome, 2B
Somedoby Duncan, LF
Gramps, 1B
Rolen, 3B
Encarnacion the Elder, CF
Mookie Jr., RF
Fat with Dreadlocks, 2B
Somebody else Bennett, C
Marquissssse, P
Cubs:
Lucky, CF
Izzy, SS
Berut, C
Pancakes, 3B
Jock, RF
The guy who’s stealing Murt’s PT, LF
Worthless ex-Satanic Fowl, 1B
Cesar Cedeno, 2B
The Marmot, P
Ah yes, Dan. They do clap… and they are magical…
I did a quadruple take when I was writing down the lineup from Cubs.com. Preston Wilson?
Oh, that’s rich.
He’s like a gift from God for the Cardinals.
You know, an angry God who seeks to smite the little inbred turdburglars.
Damn, who’d have thought I was that much of a badass?
It’s OK, Dave. I don’t need to ever urinate again, you keep both of them. That’s fine. You need them to ball your way around the bases or whatever it is you do in your little game.
1. Cute Little White Guy (SS)
2. Duncan Donuts (LF)
3. Poo Holes (1B)
4. Rolen Rolen Rolen (3B)
5. Juan Uncle Nation (CF)
6. Preston Wilson, (what? when did that happen) (RF)
7. Ronny Belly-Yard (2B)
8. Gary Bennett (C)
9. Marquis Grissom (P)
Now that I’m down about 100 lbs, Denis, I can kick your ass again if you get too uppity!
Tony LaRussa: Joe, what is the worst team in the Central?
Joe Buck: Well that would be hard to say, sir. The Cubs and Pirates are each miserable in their own way.
Tony LaRussa: Cut the horseshit, son. I’ve got their offensive statistics right here. Who spent 2/3 of the 2005 season with Neifi Perez in the #1 or #2 hole? Who wasted valuable playing time for prospects by force-feeding Fred McGriff enough home runs for him to reach a stupid personal record? Every Halloween, they’re at home watching the playoffs. Every spring, they play their way out of the race.
Joe Buck: You’re talking about the Cubs, sir.
Tony LaRussa: Of course I’m talking about the Cubs, you TWERP!
Wait, let me post a line up with clever nicknames too!
Jim Edmonds is having double-vision and dizziness caused from years of having his head rammed into headboards…I mean, running into outfield fences.
Mike Matheny’s career is likely over with the same malady. I knew I shouldn’t have let them room together all those years.
Maybe so, Andy (#10), but we’ll always have Tom Gordon and me, September, 2001. Muuhahahahahahah.
The other night on the ESPN coverage of the Tigers and Red Sox they were talking about the Tigers loss of Placido Polanco likely for the season. They mentioned two guys as potential waiver pick ups to replace him, Mark Grudz;kjkljkjfkjdsek (who unbeknownst to them had just signed a contract extension that day), and…
…wait for it…
…if only it were true…
…Neifi!
Nothing says “guy who guarantees you the pennant” like Neifi.
It would guarantee the pennant.
For the White Sox.
Prest-O Change-O Team-Os!
He he he!
Now that I’m up another 100 lbs, Denis…
Preston,
That never happened. I don’t know what you’re talking about. Never, I say.
Denial. It’s all we have left.
Sob.
Meh.
I was having a lousy year anyway.
I just said that “Marmol looks completely in control, in the bullpen.”
Of his bowels.
Yes, I’m still sucking Sinatra’s cock.
Nancy’s.
For the first time since…well, the last time the Cardinals were in town…I am suspending my blinding hatred of Dusty. Just win, baby!
I’ll be back to crank up the Defcon on Monday (or today if they lose).
BONJORNO!
My on base average is lower than both Jock’s and Corey’s.
Great move, Genius.
I am the only pitcher in beisbol who doesn’t need good defense up the middle behind me. You can’t hit a ball that way without me knocking it down with one of my ears.
If it’s windy today, I’m likely to end up in the left field bleachers.
I may not get on base, but I make up for it by getting a boat load of strikeouts.
I dare done seen about everything
When I see Carlos Marmol fly
(Long way to go for a Dumbo joke.)
I love Prestone, dudes. He don’t clog the bases.
Hey #31, did I hear you say Gumbo?
Oh, nevermind.
Comcast has a promo for Dan Kelly, the new Blackhawks TV play-by-play guy. He says he’s excited about calling ‘Hawks games this year. Wouldn’t it be easier, instead of spending all of the money to broadcast the games, if they just had Dan call all six Blackhawks fans and announce the game into his cell phone?
Am I wrong?
The official hand moisturizer of Dusty Baker.
I look an awful lot like Glen Beckert, don’t I?
Yes Andy, you are wrong.
There are only 5 of us.
Brave!
I look an awful lot like a dead guy, don’t I?
(too soon?)
How’s the visibility?
By the way, fuck you Robert Altman. Suicide ain’t so damned painless.
Honesty compels me to say, gang, that…
Ah screw it. Some running gags just need to die.
Much like me.
I have to object to the labeling of this as “Pointless Exercise”. There is absolutely nothing pointless about trying to kick the S#|+ out of the Satanic Fowl.
Marmol has walked 55 and struck out 52. Is that good?
Uh, Tony, since I’m not starting today, mind if I, um, “watch” some of your dogs in the clubhouse?
I can no explain the Cub mastery of us this year. I seen nothing like it since my rookie year with the Brooklyn Supperbas back in ’99.
1899.
Looks like Tony bathed in me today.
Jim Edmonds bathed in me today.
Apparently, no one tests my urine.
Dad drinks it, though.
You’re slow, Albie.
Are we still crying over Ryan O’Malley’s win?
Boo hoo. We need to sack it up.
I love the Cardinals.
suck it bitches.
No shit on the Duncan thing. I saw him play in the Midwest League a couple of years ago and this guy has gained 40 pounds and added three inches in height (and not that kind of height, you dirty minds). HGH anyone?
Fucking Barrett. I’m 80 miles away and I could hear Marmol calling for that pop-up. Just because he’s a pitcher doesn’t mean he can’t catch.
Hell, he was a catcher in the minors…probably a better one than you are.
Trade me to the A’s.
Cubs seep Satanic Fowl this weekend, get to nine games back. Go 3-1 against Philly in Wrigley while Fowl go to Shea and lose 3 of 4, cone into Busch next Thursday 7 back. Take 2 of 3 from Fowl, leave STL down 6. Then it gets nutty….
I happen to know everything there is to know about Ducan’s urine! I love Duncan’s urine. I love Duncan’s urine on pancakes. I love it on pizza. And I take Duncan’s urine and put a little bit in my hair when I’ve had a rough week. What do you think holds it up, slick?
#48 is priceless. Good job, Man In a Can.
Fear me.
Honestly, I haven’t done anything in like six years. He eats and drinks like a fucking bird. I just let Lefty do all the work. I’m kind of bored. You guys have anything to read? Is the SI college football magazine out yet? Could you try to shove it through David’s pelvis to me?
This inning is apparently, “Hit the ball to Ronny.” The Cardinals might never make an out.
What the hell is that warning about? Marmol is wild.
To hell with the intentional walk, drill that muthafucka.
The Cubs pitching staff should start throwning at batters when their pitch count gets too high. If Dusty won’t pul them, maybe they can just get tossed.
I think they should eject Marmol for throwing at the runner on first.
This is some real pretty looking baseball we’ve got on our hands here. No wonder MLB.TV tried lying to me for the 80th time this year by telling me the game was on WGN.
Gay Leave!
Hey, where’s the Garden Gnome/Kidney Hoarder?
When you need someone to come in and eat some innings… I guess you think of … Roberto Novoa? Brown Spot Bob?
Pulled a muscle in his side,
He’s being “checked out” by Edmonds.
Peace out playaz.
This is what a team 16 games under .500 looks like.
In Dusty, we trusty…
wow that really sounds gay when said out loud
will be played by the St. Louis Cardinals
If we’re playing the part of Johnny Gavin, this must be about the time when our heads get rammed through a car window.
I happen and everyone on this board disappears. POOF!
POOF is what Edmonds says when he sneaks up behind you in the shower…
I leave the TV for an hour and look what happens. Woof.
I did catch a glimpse of the wonderful Angel Pagan rolling throw to home that Marmol then threw into centerfield and Jock spiked into the turf. Now that’s some good baseball.
I’ve got to get on the new Poof.
I turned it off after the second inning to do “work.” That was some little league stuff there. Guys, your manager sucks.
Nice of the Redbirds to get to three below .500 in their own division. Awesome.
Is that a Twilight Singers song in the Leary clip?
It’s Saturday, and I’ll have to say is “Fuck you Bob Howry.”
Yeah, you kicked my A$$, but I’m going home to do your ex-wife with your kids in the next room, sucka.
The Twilight Singers song in the clip is Bonnie Brae from the Powder Burns album.
Me gone.
Not making any sort of entry about Neifi Perez departing is disgraceful and a huge slap in the face to your ex-readers (the ones that you had when you, you know, wrote more then twice a month)