Pitching matchup:
A couple of former Cardinals douchebags.
M’s: Jeff Weaver 0-6, 12.46 ERA
Cubs: Jason Marquis 5-3, 3.01 ERA
Lineups
Mariners
Ichiro, cf
Raul “Not Mendy” Lopez, 2b
Jose “Not Ozzie” Guillen, rf
Raul Ibanez, lf
Richie Sexson, 1b
Yuniesky “Not Rafael” Betancourt, ss
Willie Bloomquist, 3b
Jamie “Not Chris–Corky” Burke, c
Jeff Weaver, p (Or whoever pinch hits for his spot in the lineup in the third inning.)
Cubs
Alfons0-21 Soriano, lf
Felix, cf
MVLee, 1b
Cornelius Clifford Floyd, rf
Mark DeRosa, 3b (Guh, he’s batting fifth? Nice lineup.)
Mike “Not Ray” Fontenot, 2b
Koyie “Not Bobby” Hill, c (But would it make any difference at the plate if it was?)
Cesar Izturis, ss
Jason Marquis, p
Brave! Oh wait that was Tuesday. This popocorn is good.
My name is JOSE Lopez, idiota!
Raul, Jose, whatever.
My favorite part of the Kellie Pickler interview on Comcast Tuesday night was when she said the difference between American Idol and a baseball game was that on American Idol “you don’t have balls in your face.”
to put my balls in Kellie’s face.
Christ, Larry the Cable Guy on Monday, some chick from “American Idol” on Tuesday.
Who’s today? The “I Didn’t Do It Kid”?
BREEEAAAVVVEEE!!!
The “Celebrity” 7th inning stretch jumped me about 8 years ago.
You can listen to me butcher the 7th inning stretch here. Mmm balls
http://chicagosports.chicagotribune.com/sports/baseball/cubs/cs-7thinning-htmlstory,1,6421919.htmlstory?coll=cs-cubs-navigation
I heard that Devon Hester guy really screwed it up too.
I have pitch speed and break information for pitches today. Sweet!
Alfons1-22 Soriano?
I like the hustle.
On Weaver’s first pitch I looked up just as Soriano finished his swing. The ump gave a new ball to Burke so fast I couldn’t figure out why Soriano was standing there still holding his bat in the air until the camera switched to show the foul ball falling into the stands.
Very disorienting.
Who jumped me?
BTW, I got totally shafted by being sent to the ‘pen.
I mean, I’ve got a wonderful new opportunity pitching in relief!
Anyone notice I resemble a young Chris Tucker?
I changed the spelling of my name to fit in with those two white dudes everyones so crazy about. So far I think it’s working, mang!
I’ve got my good stuff today. Soriano- double
Felix- triple
Get ready to trot, Derrek!
Unlike most of the crybaby Cubs, I love day games.
Three words…Wake. And. Bake.
I’m not ready for the big leagues. I’m just overwhelmed.
What with my .375 on base average since I returned and all.
Do you SEE the BALLS coming off of my BAT?
How much you want to bet I get stranded on 3rd?
You know, I’m going out on a limb here. But Jeff Weaver isn’t really very good.
Based on his first 40 big league at-bats, Felix Pie is clearly overmatched.
Who the f*** is Matt Murton?
Is that the outfield? In NASCAR they park trailers and stuff on the infield!
And then I go into those trailers and I get stuffed! Two and three at a time, y’all!
How in the hell did I pitch for a World Champ?
Felix, steal home, buddy.
Nice start. weaver is just lobbing them up there.
DeRosa just missed a total meat slider too..
In #21.
Weaver will never have a no-hitter around us.
I also like big sweaty cocks in my ass, y’all. How ’bout some more of that there popcorn?
Andy, that’s the kind of analysis that keeps us coming back here.
They don’t have AppleJacks in prison. They do have milk. And popcorn. And doctors to sew your anus back together after “dinner and a movie” night in the shower.
Has anyone seen my glass bowl?
It’s got a demon’s face on it. Or Jose Macias’…I can’t tell.
How old is Cliff? After scoring on Soriano’s triple they just showed him in the dugout getting fanned with a towel by Big Z and with another player putting his sunglasses on him. He’s going to put a lot of miles on his Rascal driving out to right nine times today.
I’m still a major improvement over Matt Mur-TON.
Attica!
Attica!
Attica!
Grandpa Cliff scored on MY single, shitbird!
You know you don’t have good stuff if Koyeieye hits one into the outfield against you.
Soriano, Fontenot whatever.
Single, triple, whatever.
Clearly, I need to stop drinking so much cough syrup.
And so do you.
Streetwise!
Streetwise!
Streetwise!
Get busy hittin’ or get busy dyin’, Jock.
Make that a triple.
I heart Cliff. I really do. He’s the only thing between us and Jock. That and a thin layer of gaberdine.
Don’t forget me! I can keep Jock on the bench too!
I dictate that you bat Marquis 7th today instead of 9th.
Who had Cesar Izturis for the first weakly hit grounder by the Cubs? Everyone? Oh…nevermind.
Speaking of hearting Cliff, the ad at the bottom of this keeps hearting cartoon characters!
We’ll take Jock. He’d love to play for all the crackas in the NW ‘burbs.
Plus we could fire up our promotions…”Get grounded with Jones!”
I suck more balls than Kellie Pickler!
I look like a 15 year old playing Whiffle ball in the backyard and trying to imitate a different pitcher every pitch. I just broke out a little Kent Tekulve submarine pitch. Mostly though, I’m doing a pretty fair Wade Miller circa 2007 imitation.
What does “PFX” mean on the MLB.com gameday?
You think that’s bad. I’m going full-out Al Yellon on this Web site. By tomorrow there will so many ads it’ll look like Ricky Bobby’s NASCAR.
#50 – From the GameDay Blog:
Q: What is the PFX value?
A: The “Pitch-f/x” value is currently defined as the measurement of the distance between the location of the actual pitch thrown over the plate, and the calculated location of a ball thrown by the pitcher in the same way, with no spin; this is the value we provided in Enhanced Gameday last season as “Break”. The new Break value, which we feel is more appropriate for the common understanding of the term, is defined as the measurement of the greatest distance between the trajectory of the pitch at any point between the release point and the front of home plate, and the straight line path from the release point and the front of home plate. By this definition, a Barry Zito curveball will have a much greater Break value than a Brad Penny fastball.
Pretty F’n eXact
I’m…not…good
I have a blog?
Alrgiht, we’ll take Jock. But we don’t want the IRISH!
PFX, wow you are exact. It would be cool if I could turn you off/on, like hits and outs in the field.
my contract just got extended. Guess I won’t need these chicago real estate listings.
Pie WOOOOO! Pie WOOOOO!
Jock might be more comfortable playing for us.
Actually, I’m getting boned by the Nashville Predators’ Jordin Teetoo.
Jock is going to have pry that job from my dead lifeless fingers, #58.
But I’m willing to settle for $20.
…but only because he’s the first in line.
Fuck all’a ya’. We’ve won titles as recently as 2005.
http://www.sports-library.com/index.php/Gary_SouthShore_RailCats
3 runs, may as well shut it down for teh day…….
How do I strike out on Weaver? Lou, I need some time off.
Man even I didn’t get as much shit in here for my fucked-up rendition of Take Me Out To The Ballgame.
Gamecast would make it appear I’m calling balls and strikes today
The Cub version of Eckstein. There, I said it.
I challenge Fontenot to a scrap off
I hear they make that stuff in Hobart.
………crickets……
We might be a little hungover today
umm…so how bout Pickler’s boobs? Huh? Boobs!
Why don’t we have a thread naming some of me?
Hey, I’m a boob!
Hung over, #72.
Here, take a hit of this.
Did someone say “obscure players beloved by Desipio”?
BTW Jeff Waver is filthy today.
And by “filthy†I mean stoned.
On days when Weaver pitches, the Mariners replace the Gatorade bucket with a bong.
If the Cubs could score more than 3 runs in a freakin’ game.
Hey DeRosa,
Tough break there. But I know exactly what you could use…
So here we are again. Pothead gets hit, DeRosa makes error.
No points for creativity today.
Nice to see the Cubs once again jump out to a lead and then pack it in.
Replace Gatorade with a bong? I wish they did that in my day…
Did someone say collapse?
why was i still in? seriously?
How did that guy score from first on a double with one out?
Mariners: 4 runs, 2 hits, 0 errors
Cubs: 3 runs, 9 hits, 1 error
Beautiful.
My wheels just came off
“Pinch-hiting for the pithcer…Jacques Jones!
5 million Cub fans across then planet: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Who is this no-talent hack they’re interviewing on the radio?
How bad does Jones look?
On the MLB Gamecast, every single pitch is not only outside, but not even in the strike zone.
Pat and Ron are talking to the lead singer of The Fray, who stunned them by talking of a friend who “about pissed himself”.
Hard to believe Jock couldn’t get the guy in from third.
yeah, go home f**kers
are we makin fun of the song?
Well the Clay Rapada Era started well enough.
Christ do ALL Seattle relievers have sub-2.00 ERA’s?
Well, not me no longer #96
I just want to hug Little Cesar and let him know my evil thoughts about him were not serious.
For today, at least.
Fear me, wenches!
I love that we’re still using Seattke. I really do. Stupid Trib editors.
What happened? It looked like Cesar got a hit off that Seattke reliever? That can’t be right.
Dempster’s going to have to pitch for a fifth straight day? It would behoove Felix to drive in an extra run or three here.
Damnit. Stupid ground out. Well, Hail Cesar! I didn’t know he had it in him.
Is Howry pitching the ninth? WGN just followed him in the dugout before the commercial and it looked like he was girding up his loins to take the field of battle.
We’re fearing Howry instead. Dempster’s in the dugout chillin’ and laughing like the doofus he is.
I don’t know about you, Morans. But I’m more than ready for Seattke to leave town.
Am I big or brown today? Or both?
Nothing gives the Cubs’ fits like the ass end of a Seattke.
K!
My ass still smarts from the last time Seattke was in town.
K!
I get paid like a closer, I ought to be able to do the job on occasion. Right?
Oops, almost forgot to type Seattke.
Howry’s home era is me. Not too shabby.
I’m 5-1! And 2-0 against Seattke!
Get outta town, Seattke!
(and he means it)
Those Seattke Supersonics never had a chance against us in ’96
So THIS is what it feels like to come back on OTHER teams when trailing after 6 innings.
Damn right yay.
Awesome. A come-from-behind one-run win, the bullpen sacking up, Pie and Soriano hitting and scoring, Seattke leaving town all ass hurt… Murton nowhere to be seen!
Good times, female doges.
At least we didn’t lose after outhitting a team 12-3 and giving up 4 runs on 2 hits.
Guh. Nice comeback.
A win’s a win. I’ll take it.
And Soriano got things started in the first, but could have done more to put the game away, frankly.
Baby steps.
Yeah, this was a good game but not really a character builder if you ask me. Now, Tuesday, that was a character builder.
I’m missing the joke.
Stay tuned for one hell of a basketball wrap up
You’re missing one hell of a joke, Seattke. At least it was at the time. I had to bust it out for the Gamecast today and I wasn’t sure if anybody would remember it. But Slaky remembered. And then something special started to happen. Yep, you guessed it. The joke got run into the ground deeper than a Jock Jones throw from right with the game on the line.
Do a search for Seattke on the messageboard and see what turns up. You’ll be disappointed probably.
Wow, who’s that nifty lil infielder with the gamebreaker? Man, we could have raked 30 to 40 percent better if he was around when I was in town. Oh, what? He was? This guy could help soften the blow that was losing Neifi…and me. If I were still around he’d be batting leadoff this year, ideal guy for keeping the bases unclogged.
Can I toss a name in the “obscure players” game?
No, not my own
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Scott Bullett
Ozzie, we already have a thread dedicated to douchenozzles like you. It’s called The Single Greatest Thread Ever. You’re in it, probably on page 20 or so out of 60+.
Less Turdvey, less Dolan, MORE COWBELL!