Enervated by an attack of unrelived nostalgia (which, as Abbie Hoffman so acutely noted, is a mild form of depression); life can be a daunting thing.

When all you’ve ever asked from life has already happened, struck and sparked and burped and faded, some 27 years ago. Meandering from day to day, listening to nothing but dead people and Out-Moded Notions, looking for something, anything, that could flame the fan (or something like that) of a transistor that burned itself out before you were even born.

In walks the sage.

“I have come for your daughters.”

Brett Meisner. Bretty Bloody Meisner. Comin’ at you like a mudslide.

Recognize.

Acclaimed journalist. International superstar. Star of page and (eventually) screen, lover of rock, Baptist of roll, bastion of Truth and Integrity and looking for a lover in the Heart of the City.

Daddy, come home.

For two decades, Brett has been “submitting” articles to Rolling Stone, Spin, and the other hallowed documentors of Our Time. From upstate New York, to down low Holly-wood in a scant 38 years of good livin’, the Meisner story begins as such:

(From the mouth of le Man, himself)

“Like Pete Townsend strumming an open G chord, Brett Meisner arrived on earth in the Fall of 1965 with a thunderous roar. The only son of two school teachers, Brett was raised with a strict education of reading, writing and rock and roll. Well, his parents weren’t so keen about the last part, but they couldn’t stop the inevitable.”

And neither can you.

Like Bill Shatner about to belt out another verse of “Mr. Tambourine Man,” or Mick Jagger strapping on his guitar to lead his group through another chorus of “Fly Like An Eagle,” Meisner owns the rockcrit Medium.

But don’t take my word for it!

Brett?

“MUSIC DOES NOT SOUND BETTER ON POT: What is marijuana’s contribution to the world of rock and roll music? Absolutely nothing. What is the finally destination for musicians who smoke pot? Just ask Kurt Cobain, Elvis Presely and Buddy Holly. Oh, I forgot – they’re all dead! Nuff said.”

Oh boy!

“RAP MUSIC IS A PASSING FAD: Started by a white guy named Rick Rubin in 1985, rap music had its brief moment in the sun. This form of ilitaracy, often described as poetry hiding behind sampled music, had one positive effect: It allowed young rich white kids the ability to hold onto their lunch money a few days longer as the communication between them and their local thugs improved. This is not a racist statement, it happens to be the truth.”

Word.

“HANK WILLIAMS AND JOHNNY CASH WERE NOT COOL: Wake up people! How long are we going to let this kinda stuff exist? Ask any kid in a record store today who their favorite recording artist is and nine times out of ten these mindless idiots will respond with the names of either Hank Williams or Johnny Cash. The man in black my ass. You know who wears black? Fat ladies. Johnny Cash is a fat lady.”

About damn time.

“STEELY DAN IS THE BEST RECORDED BAND IN MUSIC HISTORY: Hey just ’cause someone is good looking and intelligent, does that make them an asshole?”

Hotties.

“TECHNICALLY, PETER FRAMPTON WAS NEVER FAMOUS: His “friend” – and my enemy – journalist and marginal filmmaker Cameron Crowe continued to write favorable articles about Peter! What was in it for him? Who knows. What we do know is that Cameron Crowe LIED about being a high school student to so he could get material to write his straight-to-video “Fast Times At Ridgemont High.” So ask your self two questions: 1) Who do you trust, Brett Meisner or Cameron Crowe? And, 2) What was Peter Frampton’s last hit song? Nuff said.”

I have another question: “why can’t the KDizzle rock like Brett?”

Fun fact: Brett’s “Top Ten Most Influential Bands Of All Time” list only has nine bands!

Watch as Badazz Brett makes his case for the post-DLR Van Halen:

“Alright, you can start writing your letters! Think what you will… Sure, Dave was fun, Dave was a showman, Dave was a world within himself – but Dave wasn’t a singer! Sammy Hagar, a founding member of Montrose, was not only a better singer, but he had stage presence to boot. The post Roth Halen rocked the world twice as hard and twice as loud. That’s double what Roth did. The video for “Right Here, Right Now” should be all the evidence that I would need to prove my case, but to Roth fans this evidence is about as relevant as the DNA evidence was to the colored people on the Simpson jury! Van Halen will continue on stronger without Dave, and sadly, without Sammy. Meanwhile, neither Sam nor Dave will ever see a concert stage again!”

Hey, like Brett sez, “the truth is a hard message to hear!”

And your ears must be bleeding by now!

Lord knows us trivial folk love us some trivia, and Mr. Meisner comes through:

“Did you know… Def Leppard drummer Rick Allen is right-handed.”

“Did you know… Hands down, “Lover Boy” is the favorite group of pedophiles.”

“Did you know… The members of “The Strokes” met while working as telemarketers in Brooklyn, New York.”

“Did you know… Singer-songwriter-actor and “music critic darling” Tom Waitts is actually very impatient?”

“Did you know… Collectively, the band members of “Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers” have never, ever once broken a single girls heart?”

“Did you know… Creedence Clearwater Revival founder John Fogerty also founded “Hooked On Phonics”?”

“Did you know… 70’s Singer and popular TV host Helen Reddy is also a renowned studio session drummer – She played the drum parts on Foghat’s master anthem ‘Slow Ride.'”

“Did you know… Bruce Springsteen is secretly not Jewish.”

“Did you know… Before earning millions as the guitarist for the Yardbirds, engineering student Jeff Beck made a pretty penny as inventor of the Frisbee!”

“Did you know… 60’s folk duo Simon and Garfunkle met while studying at a school for professional wrestlers.”

“Did you know… Before making it big as guitarist in Guns and Roses, Saul “Slash” Hudson performed as a street mime.”

“Did you know… 60’s English vocal-harmony group “The Hollies” were the first band to have a “gay sounding” name.”

“Did you know… “John Cougar Melloncamp” does not run an agricultural summer camp for inner-city kids.”

And for those of you who are dubious as to where Brett picks up his knowledge, the man insists his “sources make ‘Deep Throat’ look like a fag!”

But, man, this is the cat who swiped Jim Morrison’s bust from his gravesite in Paris, only to bring it back to his Hollywood apartment. But, take it from Brett, “it was not a good time with Jim’s head in my house.”

It will be a good time with Brett’s rock, in your face. His rock in your face.

In your face.