Nothing makes me madder these days than seeing Cubs fans joyfully compare pint sized shortstop Ryan Theriot to a certain kidney hoarding dwarf.
Ryan Theriot is not David Eckstein. He’s not one cold day away from being a Smurf. He’s tall enough to ride on most of the rides at Great America. He doesn’t need a cutoff man to throw the ball from second base to first. Most of all, he wouldn’t put up with the national media acting like he’s a friggin’ teddy bear in a baseball uniform.
Theriot is listed at 5’11, which would make him almost a foot taller then Eckstein. Though it’s likely he’s really 5’9. Unlike Eckstein he wears a normal, man sized uniform, not a 3T. He doesn’t look like he’s going to topple over by the weight of his own bat. His hat doesn’t have one of those propellers on it like Dave’s.
He’s from Louisiana. He makes his own booze in his own bathtub. He once killed a man with a crocodile. He’s on the man side of puberty. He’s not married to one of the cast members of Little People, Big World like Eckstein is.
Theriot’s a shortstop. He was one in high school. He was one in college. He was one for almost all of his Cubs’ minor league career. They only moved him to second because the genius farm director thought that Ronny Cedeno was the shortstop of the future. (He is, for the Joliet Jackhammers.) Plus, the general manager can’t get enough second basemen.
Don’t act like it’s a friggin’ miracle that he threw the ball from short to first. It’s his job and he’s been doing it for years.
The media, most of whom are dwarves themselves (see Mitch Albom, Mike Lupica, Paul Sullivan, Joe Buck, Bob Costas, any of the Alberts–who are much taller with their toupees on, etc.) can’t get enough of the spunky little Eckstein.
They act like his height was something it took courage to overcome. So he’s little. He probably was smoking in fifth grade.
We also know that ADHD drugs can stunt growth. It’s obvious. Eckstein was a smoking amphetamine freak in his youth. No wonder he likes it in St. Louis so much.
St. Louis and their civic pastime of making meth is the reason you and I have to sign our freakin’ life away to get 48 Sudafed tablets. No wonder they love the little bastard.
So the next time you feel the urge to compare normal adult-sized Ryan Theriot to the garden gnome in St. Louis, try to fight that urge.
YES
I heart this dose.
I’d do Ashley Drane.
Ha ha! Awesome entry, Andy. Just as I typed that, Theriot bobbled a ball at short. God damn you, Andy.
Stop being a dick to Andy, Kermit. Jealous much?
we’re not in last place anymore!
oh wait, we’re still in last place, but so is someone else. so we got that going for us.
I didn’t fucking write that either.
The media are all cocksmokers. Except for bloggers. They rock.
aligators dont kill people, people kill people
You call it meth we call it cash crop.
TAPES TAPES TAPSE
If this was directed towards me, I sure did make the comparison, but it sure ain’t a good thing that they’re so similar. I was wondering if I’d ever warrant a Dose reply to one of my hair-brained board comments again. I seemed to be on a good streak for awhile on getting my comments bashed in the Dose.
I will point out a couple things, though.
“He doesn’t need a cutoff man to throw the ball from second base to first. ”
^ False
“Don’t act like it’s a friggin’ miracle that he threw the ball from short to first. It’s his job and he’s been doing it for years.”
^ False As Shit!
Good Dose, but on Theriot, I’d stop just short (GET IT???) of giving him too much SS-related praise at this point. Me thinks defensive overexposure may be right ’round the corner (for me, it was yesterday).
Oh, and there’s the fact that Ryan Theriot “has a batting average above .300” and “has a slugging percentage higher than his on-base percentage,” which last time I checked neither applied to the Eck.
You’ve all heard stories of sad acts inflicted upon youngsters by a trusted priest… I too must confess that I have been wronged by the Catholic Church. …if not for Fr. Fisher, I may have become a Yankees fan. …but no, I was baptized in to life as a Cubs fan. May God have mercy on my tormented soul.
This team is painful to watch. I can’t wait for football season to roll around. Screw the Cubs!
I heard Eck beats off in a sock sniffs it between innings. He’s a grape smuggling a-hole. …just like your mom.
Where’s the dose holmes???